Machete
Sadly not the film...

In Jamaica they say that you don't really know how to use a machete till you've hurt yourself with one.

I thought this was just one of those things people said, but my mate reckoned it was true. He'd cut the tip of his thumb off with one whilst trying to open a jelly coconut, whilst stoned, at night and in a dark garden.
His thumb was gone from halfway up the nail, which turned out to be lucky. The nail grew back to its normal length and made it look like his thumb was ok (unless you looked closely).
He said after that happened, he never once fucked about with a machete and was very very careful with it.

Anyway, one day I was helping out on one of the farms, chopping dead wood off tree's etc.
I had my own machete that I'd sharpened myself (when you buy a machete in Jamaica it is as blunt as a ruler).
I'd been pissing about with it for weeks, cutting down tree's or just generally chopping stuff up and posing with it. There is nothing to bring out the boy in you quite like having your own machete.

Back to the qotw - this day I was trimming some branches off the trees. A good hard whack with the blade was enough for most of them, no matter how thick.
I got ready to start on a thick, low branch and (as it was so thick) hit the fucker as hard as I could.
Unlucky for me, it was a dead branch and the machete cut through it like butter. The blade swung down and chopped straight into my ankle.

The pain wasnt as bad as the shock, then the panic. I was about two miles from the house, which itself was about 10 miles from the nearest town.
I gently pulled the blade out expecting to see blood everywhere. The wound was oddly dry and only about an inch long, but the skin on both sides was kinda forced down into the wound itself (I presume from the impact).

I took off my tshirt, cut off one of the sleeves and used this as a tight makeshift bandage. Then I limped off home trying not to blubber.

One of the things I'd chucked into my first aid kit when I went over there was some tea tree oil, so I used that to clean it.
Over the next couple of weeks it healed well, but I needed a tight bandage around it as I was worried it might open up and get infected.
I cleaned it with the tea tree oil everyday and now swear by the stuff.

So, every time I look at the scar I remember how I got my new found respect for the machete and that I will never, ever again hit anything with it 'as hard as I fucking like' cos really, that's kinda stupid when u think of it.
(EvilMeister, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 23:33, 2 replies)

ROUGH
Jesus - that sounds rough as.

I'm guessing their machete's (machete? macheti?) are like the African panga - you were lucky not to lose your foot in that case.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 21:29, closed)

There is nothing to bring out the boy in you quite like having your own machete
soooo fucking true. I used to have a Kukri I brought back from JWC in Borneo; sharpened it up nicely and used it as an awesome kitchen knife.

One evening, cutting potatoes or something, I took it out of its sheath, noticed it was slightly dirty, so washed it carefully and laid it on the drainer.

A few moments later, a little distracted, I picked it up by the handle, put my left hand around the blade, and pulled it out of its sheath again...

I didn't notice a thing, until the claret came oozing out; fortunately only about a 2mm deep cut; completely painless for about two minutes: the amazing thing was that each cut was through the fleshy pad at the bottom of the finger; could so easily have severed the tendons to each finger... *shudders*.

Machetes: not toys.
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 22:08, closed)