I'm A Firestarter.
.
Well, actually, I'm a firebreather. It's a skill I picked up in my miss-spent youth along with juggling and knife-throwing. And this story isn’t about the stupidest thing I've done, it's the stupidest thing a random passer-by done.

I was in Alnwick, Northumberland and was doing a fire-breathing show outside a pub called The Dirty Bottles - not it's real name but it's what it's called as it has some dirty bottles on display in the window. They haven't been moved since the guy who was cleaning them dropped dead 150 years ago.

Anyway, I'm wandering. Old age will do that to you. I can remember when it was all fields 'round here. Now where was I? Oh aye - The Dirty Bottles.

So there I was with a wine bottle full of paraffin, giving it the old dragon impression. Huge balls of flames were gouting down the street and the crowd were clapping and cheering. Then out of the darkness comes a local hard man. Coming up to me he slurred:

"Wassas you're drinking?"

"Paraffin mate - you wouldn't like it" I said

"Gissa drink" he slurred

"It's paraffin mate - it's for firebreathing. You really wouldn't like it" I insisted

"It looks like powerful stuff - gissa drink" he growled

Well I tried. So I gave him the bottle and he took a couple of really big swallows.

"Glug-Glug"

Then he looked at me with a disgusted expression on his face.

"Man, that's fucking awful"

And off he weaved up the street.

Now drinking paraffin has a rather nasty side-effect. It coats the insides of the intestines with a thin film of oil. A thin film that won't let any water pass through. So for at least the next 24 hours he was going to be shitting for Britain. Anything in his system now, or put in over the next day, was going to come out again. And considerably faster than it went in.

Oh - and for the people who think I'm bull-shitting?



You Tube

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 0:14, 2 replies)

Why???
Has that little girl got her hand up your arse?
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 9:28, closed)

To
Stop blowbacks. Can be very nasty.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:48, closed)