Strangechap has got me thinking
I'm not exactly short, and when I wear the right clothes or can be bothered to walk with anything like a decent posture, I could be taken as being pretty well-built.

The result of this is that I have never been in a fight - people assume that, being big, I can handle myself. The truth, of course, is that, never having been in a fight, I have no idea at all what to do. Notwithstanding that I'm actually (on close inspection) puny as hell, even if I wasn't, there're techniques that one learns in playground scuffles that are utterly absent from my savoir vivre.

So, I suppose I fake being able to defend myself. In practice, I could get beaten up by a baby.

While we're at it, I've noticed that the same applies to a number of big guys I've known over the years. So, if you're considering a career as a mugger, it might pay to be counterintuitive in your choice of victim. Pick on a big guy. He'll curl up and hand over his wallet in a flash.

Full of public information, me.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:21, 30 replies)

I'm trying not to laugh
at the image of you trying to look hard.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:26, closed)

^
*smirks*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:28, closed)

Awh!
You're faking it, you lovely little man!

I could carry you around on my pocket *grins*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:30, closed)

MM
Yeah. I know. But from a distance, and in the dark, I can just about get away with it...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:30, closed)

So;
In the distance, in the dark, wearing all black and with a balaclava on.

Possibly.

EDIT: You look like kittenz and you know it.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:32, closed)

Hmmm...
*considers extorting Enzyme for his lunch money*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:33, closed)

Your advice is very true Dr Enzyme
We had a student here once, a huge great bear of a man. Must have been 6'5" and 18 stone, in old money. But he was actually a big canny bloke, and one night was set upon by a pair of neds in Edinburgh as he waited for a bus after a night out. They beat him up badly and stole his wallet etc.

Evidently the neds had taken your advice, as at first glance he looked like he could knock seven shades of shit out of Mike Tyson.

(Ninja-edited)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:39, closed)

Same here Enzyme.
I'm tall and well built and have never been in a fight. I hate confrontation and I'm as soft as shit. People always assume I'm a hard nosed cow and it could not be further from the truth.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:41, closed)

@k2k6
Mile Tyson is even bigger than Mike Tyson. By a mile.


Damn. This makes no sense now.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:43, closed)

@Enzyme
Your best approach with muggers would be to immediately start lecturing them, thus metaphorically disarming them and rendering them passive through intellectual attrition. (You could also try making them wait for a verrrrrrrrrry long time so that they threaten to give up through sheer frustration.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:47, closed)

I'm the same
people have almost started on me several times in the past, and fortunately I've got away unscathed.

being 6'2 and 15st with a beard and a relaxed expression that thanks to genetics is a semi-scowl I swing between thinking I should scare people off, or that I am a target for those wiry nut-cases who like to pick fights for the hell of it.

I know how to punch, and am reasonably strong, but I have no idea if this will save me from a pounding, and I'm not in a hurry to find out!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 11:53, closed)

Lessons from prison
Go for the nose so they can't see, then go for the bollocks so they can't walk. If that fails kick and punch like a madman until there is no sign of movement and all you can hear is a soft groan (as well as the clumpety clump of guards boots).

Works like a charm!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 12:33, closed)

I'd go with
Groin every time.

They've crossed the line by starting a fight with you (I'd not start one with someone), so pretty much anything is fair game.

I know I go on about knives, but I'd never stab someone in a pub/street fight, it's horrible.

If they pull a knife on my, slightly different story, they best know how to use it.
Still, your best defence is going to be a good hard kick to the balls, as it keeps you a leg-length away from them.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 12:51, closed)

Cheers
Seriously cheers for that, my one natural defence against getting beat up was being 6'1 and 15 stone, and now you've ruined it for me, I'll have to start playing rugby or something now.

Pissflaps...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:00, closed)

...
I ought to set up the b3ta "Tall cowards" club...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:01, closed)

That's me all over!
You've hit the nail on the head there.

I'm not big, but I've got short hair and look a bit mean. Consequently no one has ever really picked on me.

I've not had a proper fight since I was about 8! (and I think I lost that one).

Gotta stay looking hard to keep out of trouble. Now where did I put that bomber jacket...
(Strangechap I look normal on the outside..., Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:03, closed)

if this theory holds true
then it's the small people who cause all the trouble, so let's hunt down all the small people and beat them up.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:07, closed)

No faking here...
I'm short and scrawny. I look soft as shite (even if I have a weeks beardy growth) and that's because I am.

Even a kitten would see no point in wasting its energy beating me up.

And that's just fine for me.

EDIT: contrary to what CHCB theorises above...
( Moey, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:10, closed)

One more
for the tall cowards club. 6 foot one and a bit, 15 stone, never been beaten up, soft as kittens.
( I_Was_Mordred, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:11, closed)

I'm all for the tall cowards club
someone needs to make a badge

so we can not wear it in public for fear of being beaten up
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:16, closed)

I'm quite the opposite....
Short and skinny (well, I was at the time) and yet everyone would try to avoid fighting me at the start of High School.

I only worked out why when I finally got into a fight and my first move was to welly the other lad in the nuts.

It wasn't the first time I'd done it.....

I've had very few fights since that day.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 13:55, closed)

Big Blokes Coward club
Might I suggest a meeting in a pub somewhere sufficiently unrough?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:03, closed)

If any of you
Come to get us shorties, I'll cut you with my bread knife duct-taped to a pole with a hook on the end.


(pole with hook on end is used in everyday life to help me got things off high shelves and open the loft without resorting to a stepladder)
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:07, closed)

CHCB
The hardest fucker I know is 5'6", and is a black belt in karate.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:27, closed)

Well
I'm 6'4 a good 15 stone and rather violent
oh
also ginger
:)
(Freddles, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:30, closed)

I find...

that the best repellant against getting into scrapes is to form a band consisting of yourself and a large, potentially psychopathic homicidal maniac who happens to be a crack shot gun expert and a black belt in several martial arts.

As a result of doing this. I have been largely unscathed the whole time.

...now, where did I put Captain Placid?

'Here Cap.' *whistles* 'good boy' *nuzzles* 'who's a goooood boy' *pats head* etc
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:51, closed)

Badge...

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:58, closed)

Hmmmmmm
@Pooflake, my general demeanour is that of a very friendly guy!
In my 48 years on this particular planet I have found that the smaller members of the human race are the most likely to try it on, but that's only my experience, I may be wrong!

As an aside, the only person who's ever successfully tried to stick a knife in me was well under 5'6".

On a serious note, I believe in a concept that the Japanese call "Zanshin". They believe everyone radiates zanshin and that most people are "tuned in" to it, some more than others. It's probably a body language thing. I've always told my girls "Look like a victim and you'll be a victim". If you walk confidently and assuredly, head up, hands free and unencumbered, looking all round you all the time, you're less likely to be accosted by the criminal classes.

Mind you, it doesn't hurt to be a bit wider than average, coupled with a face like a displeased Grizzly it's kept me out of (quite a lot of, but not all) trouble for quite a while!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:54, closed)

Perhaps
I'm not typical of the more vertically challenged then, being that I'm about as violent & aggressive as a stoned sloth.

Mind you, any attempts I made at aggression would render the recipient so incapacitated with laughter I could merrily stroll away entirely unscathed.
( Moey, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 17:25, closed)

Ah, sweet captain...

we both know that beneath the cuddly-wuddly exterior could beat the heart of a fully qualified mentalist with honours.

But I apologise - I must've misheard you when you told me your favourite song ever...

Did you say 'Zanshin Queen'?

*puts on spandex*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 16 Jul 2008, 19:24, closed)