Top 5 favourite funeral songs
Well I thought I was a bit of a morbid freak for occaisionally contemplating my top 5 tracks to be played when my time comes.
However, having broached the subject during a few coked-up nights of unwarranted sincerity, I find I'm not alone in self-indulgent navel gazing - my mate Dave often has this conversation with his dad when the whisky's out.
I reckon this should be the subject of a new QOTW, so to get the ball rolling, here are my top 5 with reasons:

1: The Jam - Going Underground

I picture the look of sudden realisation on the faces of the congregation when they realise what they're tapping their feet to, but the opening line "some people might say my life is in a rut" is a killer

2: The Smiths - Asleep/ Radiohead - No Surprises

A shameless attempt at inducing mass wailing and gnashing of teeth- two heart-rendingly sad songs guaranteed to induce lacrimosity among the gathered mourners, if not outright guilt, shame and regret. Not sure about this one- I wanted it to be a joyous event, but sometimes the urge to shout "it's your fault I'm dead" is overwhelming.

3: The Jam - Town Called Malice

Such a great track- can't not have it. Even the most wizened old gimmers will be kicking away their zimmers to dance on my grave. Oh yeah, and it features the line "I'm almost stone-cold dead"

4: Roy Harper- When an Old Cricketer Leaves the Crease

I was pleasantly surprised that John Peel made a pact with John Walters that whoever went first, the other would play this at their funeral. A beautiful song conjuring up the rose-tinted vision of an England which never really existed, but you really wish it had. Haaven't played cricket since school, but that hardly matters does it?

5: I'm going to leave this one blank for now- I invite you to post suggestions.....

length and breadth- ask the undertaker why he couldn't get the lid on
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Wed 17 May 2006, 14:45, Reply)