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This is a question God

Tell us your stories of churches and religion (or lack thereof). Let the smiting begin!

Question suggested by Supersonic Electronic

(, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 15:00)
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Sex & Religion
I used to enjoy chucking children off cliffs.

Granted, they were attached to a rope, and it was on outward-bounds courses in the Lake District.

But that's all changed now, I lost this job after a rather nasty misunderstanding.

Shame, really. I'd been involved in running outward-bounds courses since I was in my early twenties, it was nice to get away into the fresh air and treat a bunch of kids like your the mental fucker out of the Saw movies. Makes you feel all warm inside.

One time I found myself going away for a weekend with a bunch of teenagers and a few adults from some weird Jesus bashing brigade. It was a little bit like being away for a weekend with the cast of Children of the Corn, they came out with some bizzare God-related bollocks. On the first morning I was asked by several of them if I'd "let Jesus into my life." I changed the subject quickly. I hadn't let Jesus into my life - he's a shifty looking cunt. If I let him into my life he'd probably end up squatting and turn it into a hippy commune.

It was going to be a long weekend.

But I had something else on my mind, I had an alterior motive. One of the other *ahem* professionals was a girl named Mary, she was fucking beautiful in a rough and ready kind of way. I'd been away with her a few times before and had done a bit of low-level boob fondling, but nothing more. I was desperate to bang her kidneys from the inside with my womb raider.

Fast forward to the end of the first day.

The God-botherers are having a lovely sing song round the camp fire, singing to Jesus and God and all his little helpers. I've had enough of this. And so's my mate Rich, who's helping out on the course. We decide to venture off into the night and go and find a pub. I ask Mary if she'd like to tag along and she seems relieved to get away.

The three of us know the Lakes pretty well, so it doesn't take us long to stroll down to the local village, find a pub, and sit down to start the important business of getting a bit pissed.

And after a bit of alcohol lubrication things start going well between Mary and I. Very well. Rich is suddenly as useful as a wheel on a hovercraft. When Mary gets up for a piss I suggest to Rich that he might be getting in the way: "Rich, piss off mate - I think I'm in here." Rich grumbles but after a while agrees to go back to the campsite.

And I'm alone with Mary.

After a few more drinks she's so pissed she probably thinks I'm James Bond. Horay! Time to go...

And on the way back we find a nice quiet, peaceful place to lie down... and we very slowly, very gently move through the gears...

She stops me as I peel off her panties.

"Spanky... I've never... done... it... before..."

Now, this is a bit of a revelation. Shit. I don't like breaking um in. Its just fucking horrible.

Didn't stop me though. After thirty seconds of the most intense love-making Mary had ever experienced, I shot my load. Mission accomplised.

We dressed and went back to the campsite. Mary was acting a bit weird and went off to her tent quickly.

And I found Rich sitting by the dying fire, poking it with a stick, surrounded by weirdos from the God Squad.

Now, I was pissed, remember. And I am also a fucking monumental cunt.

I spread my arms and raised them above my head as if I was celebrating scoring a goal at Wembley, and I shout:

"RICH!" and eveyone round the campfire looks up at me. "I'VE JUST FUCKED THE VIRGIN MARY!!!"

And that's how I lost my job working as an outward-bounds instructor.
(, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 13:02, closed)
"I like this"
Does not even cover it.....
(, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 16:16, closed)
Good God that's FUNNY!!!
Unlike so many posts this week - if I want a philosphical debate about relegion I'll get a copy of Readers Digest. *clicks*
(, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 16:28, closed)
another great read, mate. had me laughing like an idiot.
(, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 16:29, closed)
think it was the "womb raider"
comment that did it for me ... :)
(, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 17:48, closed)
*Giggles with enthusiasm*
(, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 21:20, closed)
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 18:37, closed)

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