And again for the cheap seats...
There was a comedian and a bloke.
Bloke says something.
Comedian says:

I DON'T COME ROUND TO YOUR JOB AND blah blah cocks blah blah


Enough already.
(323232, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:05, Reply)

D list celeb compere at Butlins Minehead
wish I could remember his name...I was about 9, on holiday with my parents and out for the evening at the Saturday night's entertainment at Butlins in Minehead.

The compere starts reading out the lottery results bingo-style

Him: "One and Four..."
Me: "FIVE!"

he he - I kept this up for all 6 numbers, and the bonus ball.
(barrythief, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:02, Reply)

Not really a heckle, but damn fun
At the Brit Awards Launch Party this year, my friend and I were walking around the free bar when who should we see but Richard Archer out of Hard Fi*! Naturally, I walk up to him and say "You're shit!". He gives me a funny look, I point and laugh and walk off.

*Who weren't even nominated for anything, surprise surprise.
(jade, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:00, Reply)

Stephen Lynch
a while ago I went and saw Stephen Lynch, who plays guitar and sings offensive songs, very funny.

anyway some drunk kept heckling from the back until finally stephen stopped and said, "i don't go down to your job and slap the cock out of your mouth, so why don't you shut the fuck up and let me play?"

it was pretty amazing. the rest of the night went on quite well.
(azulvandal, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:55, Reply)

Blind Man
I was in a comdey club in Edinburgh and there was a blind man at the end of the bar, obviously a regular.

Well there was this comedian on stage, absloutely crap and the blind guy had finally had enough

"Get off!!! - You're crap" says blind guy..

Pause for a few sconds then:

"Has he gone?"

Genius....

But, if the comedian was any good he should have come back with:

"You're only saying that 'cos I'm black...."


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:35, Reply)

Done some in my time
My finest I think was at a Culture Club do a few years back. My missus made me go and I was bored shitless.One of the acts (cant remember his name) said "this song is so beautiful. I would like it played at my funeral"Then I shouted YOU DIED TEN MINUTES AGO MATE. Made the Albert Hall laugh, I think.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:33, Reply)

Gingers is....
Current and soon to be ex rangers manager Alex McLeish is a ginger, for those who don't know.

When he was in charge of Hibs in the scottish first division, after they were relegated, they arrived to play Clydebank, my local team. I duly went along to see my team getting a going over by the then league leaders.

There were about 200 home fans and not a lot more away fans.

Out run both teams, followed by the managers, to be greeted by not a lot of cheering at all, until that is someone in the stand shouts to Alex McLeish, "Ginger is not acceptable".

cue all the croud bursting out laughing as well as both teams. Mcleish gave the guy a dirty look before he too accepted he was a ginger tosser and laughed before giving the guy a thumbs up.
(hudster, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:30, Reply)

I konw it's nothing to do with celebraties, but Insulting celebraties rocks!
That Jeaneane from Eastenders, ages ago when her charcter was selling her body. I bumped into her a gig I did, my mate, being a show off says.

'Alright love, how much for a blowjob'
Her comeback was
'So you're too stupid to realise that my chacater on TV isn't real?'
not to be undone he says.
'You're on TV? I thought you just looked like a whore!'
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Not really a heckle
But at the last comedy night I went to some guy in the audience stripped naked.
(nN, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:18, Reply)

Not so much a heckle, but....
I was in Amsterdam on a work trip and we got dragged to this god awful 'comedy' dinner theatre full of god awful Americans, to watch an improvised sketch show by other god awful Americans. One of them was doing this skit that involved asking people in the audience for a job they did in the past and making a sketch out of it. All these god awful Americans came back with 'lawyer', 'car salesman', 'clerk' etc etc

They came and asked me and I thought for a few seconds and said 'yeast siever'.

The bloke looked stumped, laughed, then said 'no really, what did you do?'.

I said I was a yeast siever.

He then asked me what a yeast siever was, and I gave a quick explanation.

He looked even more stumped.

He then asked me to elaborate, which I did, at length.

He looked even more stumped, looked round deploringly at his somewhat aghast colleagues, climbed back on the stage and sat down. And one of his colleagues jumped up to continue onto the next pointless unfunny skit.

Not sure what happened there. Did he think I was taking the piss? Did he not understand my quaint English accent? Did he have some morbid flashback to a dreadful accident involving some yeast that resulted in his entire family being decapitated?

Or was he just a third rate comic appearing in some third rate venue who realised that he was so third rate he couldn't even make up something funny about what is most probably one of the most bizarre and funny sounding jobs in the world?

I nonchalantly carried on drinking my overpriced Sea Breeze cocktail, paid for by my boss.
(martianrobot, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:11, Reply)

Obvious
There's the obvious "* celebrity" saying "Do you know who I am" with the person's response of "Does anyone here know who this person is? *"

* Insert Celebrity here

/Unfunny - You get the idea

PS, I'd love to hear the Pete Doherty story as he's a cunt
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 16:03, Reply)

not a heckle per-se
but I managed to twat kelly osbourne square in the face with a bottle of my piss at Game On.

(hey, at least its not about daphne and celeste!)

although, i have had the pleasure of calling pete doherty a cunt to his (crack-addled) face, but thats a story for another QOTW
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 15:48, Reply)

Old Enough to Know Better (2)
A caravan holiday park in Weymouth. The Saturday night entertainment. A well-known ventriloquist and children's act. 'Make sure you get a table down the front' says Mrs Rabbits. So off set I, with junior Rabbit at 6 o'clock to the ballroom. Right at the front in the middle - perfect.

Now I'm not a bingo man so the next couple of hours were fairly boring apart from the fact that the bar was open. When Mrs Rabbit and very junior but very excited Miss Rabbit turn up at 8, I am wankered on Stella and the 11 year old son is whizzing his tits off on Red Bull. Never mind, we have the cabaret to look forward to.

As the artiste and his puppet launch on to the stage he does the immortal cry of 'Good Evening, Weymouth!!'. There was of course total apathy to this. So to compound matters he does it again. 'I said Good Evening Weymouth - what do you say?'. Apparently I shouted 'GET OFF YOU FAT TALENTLESS CUNT'.

There was just a slight pause as the heckle registered. And then, with true professionalism, he launched into his act.

Mind you, the duck looked really upset.
(tell me about the rabbits, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 15:32, Reply)

Caught Short
At a local comedy night, me and a friend taking a piss before the show. Bloke walks in "have you been here before"
mate: "no i bet they're shit though"

come out of the toilet and sit down and who should walk straight onto the stage but the bloke form the toilet, first line "bet your shitting it now" the enevitable ensued and we were ripped apart all night.
(remegels, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 15:14, Reply)

At the Horn of Plenty
So there were two mates and I at the Horn of Plenty in St. Albans a few* years ago. They had evenings where there'd be a couple of decent bands on, so we'd go for the beer and the music.

On the night in question, there was one decent band, and... well, another band. The first band played, we clapped and cheered, and so forth. They played lots of songs about sex (don't ask for details, I wasn't driving that night). They duly finished their set, and Left The Building(tm). As did most of the audience. Well, all but me, Mate 1, Mate 2, and four girls.

The other band make their way to the stage, accompanied by their instruments. The girls cheer. We... didn't. It dawns on us that all those here present are: the band, the band's girlfriends, and us three. Oh.

They play a song. At this point the only thing stopping us leave is that it'd be pretty obvious. Oh, and the queue out of the car park. The lead singer then starts on a rambly intro to the second song. It's along the lines of this:

"This song is one we wrote. It's not about sex, it's about doing what you want to do, about how to stop feeling yourself, how to feel like you want to feel..."

My mate shouts (louder than necessary, you could almost hear crickets outside) "So it *is* about sex then!"

We laugh. One girlfriend cries. For a moment it looks like the band's going to beat up my mate. Oddly, even though there were four of them up against three skinny CS geeks, they decide to leave it. They play the song, we giggle hysterically. I seem to remember that they left it there...

It took *hours* for me to stop giggling like a loon.

Later, my mate scalded his ankles trying to make coffee when very drunk, but that's a whole 'nother story.

* - I was young then. So, more like *many* years ago, sadly.

(Did I mention at sports day once, I won the race after the one I'd started in? Good, because I was actually third.)

Length, girth, feh. I've never had a chance to show what this thing can *really* do.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 15:09, Reply)

Yes, Yes, Yes
Yes, Yes , Yes was the catch phrase of a South Africa Motivational speaker Mike Lipkin. Iwas having an aside with a collegue during a training session with him. He steps over and asks tensely, "How many conversations are we having here?"
Quick as a flash , I replied "Three!"
Stopped him dead in his tracks.
(Chromodynamix Chromodynamix, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Comedy club just outside Richmond
The funny Tim Vine was headlining, sadly some arse who made crap innuendos using football terminology (always goes down well with a mixed gender crowd) hops on stage. Half way through a joke, a female member of the audience simply shouted "TAXI?".

he walked off - job doen.
( Dr Drink, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:47, Reply)

Another football one
...pathetic really but of all the football comments by that one cuntish bloke who sits behind you, this one was mirthsome.

Norwich v someone or other and the then Norwich player Ian Crook's having a bit of a mare - cue the bloke behind my mate

'Oi Crook.........err, YOU'RE A CROOK'

at least be prepared
(saltydogstar, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:43, Reply)

Daphne and Celeste
They were better than Limp Bizkit, drugs or no drugs.
(DrTugnut, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:23, Reply)

Manchester City v Charlton Athletic
About ten years ago when City were worse than they are now!! I was at this game which we needed to win to give ourselves a chance of staying up.

True to form we were fucking awful but still managed to scrape a draw. (still got relegated though)

Anyway the point to this is that there were two brilliant shouts from the crowd that afternoon.

The first being the Charlton fans with the imaginative "going down, going down, going down" to which City responded with "so are we, so are we, so are we"

The second when genius German striker Uwe Rosler missed a sitter a bloke sat near me in the North stand screamed "you'd have hit the fucking target if the keeper was Polish"

(actually now i've written this it seemed funnier at the time, sorry!)
(El Cabron, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:17, Reply)

The Seahorses
I went to see John Squires post Stone Roses band The Seahorses in Boston and they were awful. As a big Roses fan I was quite upset about it but not as upset as the group of drunk Irish lads who were shouting at the stage. In between songs the singer asked the shouters what they were saying as he thought they were asking for a request and one of them responded with what sounded like 'yyyarghhsaaaalaaajehbeeeeeeanarfgggnsssd'. Obvioulsy bemused he held the microphone to the guy and asked him to repeat himself to which the bloke said in slow deliberate words 'fuck...off...you...manc...cunts...you...sound...like...a...fucking...shite...version...of...Jeff...Beck'.
Cue audience laughter and sullen silence from the band.
(DrTugnut, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:13, Reply)

none of these are very funny
***heckles***
(Lordy, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:13, Reply)

This QOTW
Is a bit shit really. But then i can't say that out loud cos all the mods will no back have a brilliant comeback...


See the irony? no - didn' think so.

Cheers, Ogwen (currently visiting Humpty in Sweden)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:10, Reply)

Re: Daphne and Celeste
I happened to have heard most of Daphne and Celeste's fine artistic work before I actually saw them (mainly because I have a little sister). The reason I joined in the bottling them off stage is down to this - I did not pay to see them - they were not on the line up, and when some completely untalented little rich girls decide that they're going to appear on stage and sing songs like "Because we want to" and "Oh stick you", I don't like to have my time wasted. Don't get me wrong, I like my pop music, I also like rock, jazz - fuck it, anything that is GOOD. THEY WERE NOT GOOD. THEY WERE SHIT. IF YOU'RE OPINION IS DIFFERENT THEN YOU ARE WRONG WRONG WRONG. So shove that up yer tradesmens entrance 'Last Night A DJ Battered My Christ'. Teh geyest name eva.
(Biromunch, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:10, Reply)

I also
I also threw a bottle of piss (actually it was a pint of very cheap cider in a pint glass) at Daphne and Celeste.
Then when they stormed off stage we all chanted (about 300) Your not singing any more.
This was at Cardiff uni about 7 years ago, and I didn't even know who they were, still dont.

We went to watch Independence Day (shit film!) Any way dureing one cheesy bit, my friend shouts out ''Smoke me a kipper I'll be back for breakfast!''
(ruud316, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:06, Reply)

frank skinner
picked on me randomly at a tiny gig.

frank: have you ever had sex?
me: yep
frank: are you sure?
me: yep
frank: so do you like to have the lights on or off
me: i like to use a strobe
frank: (nothing)

that shut him up, and it wasn't even a great heckle. not so good live, i tell you.
(bossypops, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:04, Reply)

I used to sell my jokes to comedians...
So if you hear someone tell the following jokes, yell out "Tom sold you that one!":

People think I'm worried about getting a haircut. "Get a haircut, what are you, scared?" They say to me.
"Fucking hell I'm scared, last time I went there I asked for a number one all over and she pissed on me!" (Zak McFlimby and DTH had already done the joke before I posted it on the board - original thought is dead)

"I drunk a cup of brazilian coffee the other day - all my pubes fell out!"

"People say I'd look good as a skinhead, but they're scared enough of a scrawny long-haired hippy, why take it any further?"(it's a visual gag, I guess).

I went along the night after I'd sold the jokes to this guy (I might divulge his name in the future, but he seems to have given up on his hacky ways, so I'll give him a break until he proves otherwise), and I heckled the fuck out of him. I'd shown him bash.org the night before, and the only jokes that weren't mine were from there.

Unfortunately, he made it look like part of the show, which drove me to be more offensive, which drove him to make it look like part of the show etc. By the end of the night I was trying to get him to start new stories to see where he'd go. "Tell them about the time you drank shampoo and got a third arse as a result" et al.

He made it to the Melbourne comedy festival, and I never want to do comedy again. I keep telling myself that I made over a grand off the night (an absolutely astronomical amount of money to make as an unknown comedian in Australia), but the other voice in my head keeps reminding me of how much he's probably earned by now.

God I wish I could be genuinely unpleasant rather than what I call 'football coach unpleasant' - the angry cunt that makes you want to prove them wrong. Either that or I wish I could do it to myself.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 14:01, Reply)

Before some film
Trailer for the rubbish looking-spinal tap-esq Metallica film.

At the end of the trailor the voice over says 'catch it at cinema's near you soon'.

Suitably unimpressed by the thought of this some cheeky wag shouts 'Nah thanks! I'll download it'

Suspect you had to be there.
(Shifty weeeee, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:59, Reply)

heckles, eh?
I was watching The Return of the King with a couple of friends at the cinema once, and ended up with some pikey kids sitting next to me. Quite annoying, as you can imagine. At the part when Shelob (thats the big fuckoff spider) was looming behind poor little Frodo, the prepubescent twunt next to me says
"Then the spider says, 'WHAAAAAAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!11'"

The thing that made it funny was after the film, when we saw them outside and proceeded to yell it back at them.. Ah, I miss being 13..

Another one would be when I was watching the third Harry Potter. And yelled 'LoooooopppEEEEEEEIIINNNNNN' at the screen when David Thewlis'es name came up in the credits. Pretty crap, but it was obnoxious enough to make my companion laugh for the next ten minuites. And the stares are always worth it.
(reisu has a man on a ladder fetish, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:49, Reply)