Among the indicators my parents displayed about how little they loved me was jumping at the opportunity to send me to boarding school from the age of 10.
Unpeturbed, I still tried to convey my love for them through the medium of letter-writing and telephone calls.

Meanwhile, my father was developing a new tactic of disuasion; that of acquiring my stepmother.

Fans will remember that my stepmother is one of those awful righteous new-agers - she's a vegetarian, and goes on about not inheriting the earth but borrowing it from our children - and that's before she even gets onto the colour of your aura or the tuning into the harmonics of celestial song. If she were just a hippy that would just be mildly irritating, but she was also an evil bitch who beat up my sister and dragged her 'round the kitchen by her hair, blacked my father's eyes for reasons unknown, told me my dad had never loved my real mum, left my half-brother in a cot at the 'bus station to prove a point, and regularly stripped down to her bra and knickers and ran through neighbouring villages in order to win an argument with my father.

Soon she decided that she'd apply her best assets to her social career, and announced herself as a Life Councillor, and as such would often regale us with teachings of respectful behaviour and appropriate tone of voice. She also decided that my father's choice of listening to Radio 4 in the morning was "intellectualist".

One evening at school I 'phoned home to speak to my dad, and she answered.

"Oh hiyeeee Vagabond!" she cried, clearly on the upturn of whatever fucked hormone was currently surging most strongly through her system, "How's it goin'?!"

"Fine" I said dismissively, "Can I speak to dad please?"

"Yeah sure but let's you an' me have a chat first, hey?"

"No" I said firmly, "I'd like to speak to dad - could you put him on, please?"

"YOU WILL RESPECT ME VAGABOND AND YOU WILL TALK TO ME!" she screamed, "YOU MUST RESPECT ME I AM YOUR FATHER'S WIFE AND YOU WILL RESPECT ME!"

"Listen" I said calmly, "Respect is earned, not given on demand - now - please can I speak to dad?"

"VAAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOONNNNNNNDDDDDDDD!" she cried, "YOU WILL RESPEEEEECTTTTT MEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And so, thinking to continue would be more of a waste of my 50p than putting the 'phone down, I hung up.

My dad managed to leave her five years later, when she vetoed his attending my eldest sister's wedding, having told him that his priority must be to his wife first and made him sleep in the shed for a week, and recently I was overjoyed to see on my half-brother's Farcebook account pictures from her wedding some poor old sap who's eyes clearly betray a happy innocence to her character. A happy innocence which is, I imagine, being raped irrepairably as I type.

Poor, poor sod. But at least my dad's out of it now.

It's the little victories.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 10:41, 6 replies)

I'm sorry that your parents don't love you.

( WormuIus, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 10:55, closed)

To be fair to them
I'm pretty minging.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 10:56, closed)

That's not true Vagabond!
You are a beautiful and unique snowflake!
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:11, closed)

Racist.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:13, closed)

Oh all right then.
You are a beautiful and unique racist!
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:14, closed)

lolz

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:18, closed)

^What she said^

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 11:28, closed)

you're a bit fucked really
I'm glad we don't have a b3ta office. You'd be the first to start shooting the co workers.
(waxdart hello., Fri 11 Feb 2011, 13:07, closed)

Not at all - if anything it's taught me the massive value of true relationships.
I am perfectly able to differentiate between her and your average, run-of-the-mill arsehole that just needs a good, honest-to-goodness shooting for their own sake.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 14:36, closed)

you hold her down
i'll kick her in the organic hemp-woven cunt.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 14:24, closed)

I reckon you should go (with a printout of the above) and ask her for your 50p back.

(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 15:51, closed)

that would indeed be
a small victory
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 23:35, closed)