Doctors - never believe what they say
I have been unfortunate to have a fair few medical issues in my time resulting in having a camera shoved up just about every orifice on my body. Only my ears have been left unadulterated so far and I'm sure that is just a matter of time. During this time, I have discovered that the medical profession is very adept at lying. Most of you will have had an injection or a blood test at some point. The nurse always says something like 'you will feel a small scratch'. No you won't. What you will actually feel is a sharp stab.

Last year, I had a few issues with my waterworks which required a trip to see a specialist willy doctor. After all sorts of tests he decided that he wanted to 'take a look inside'. This meant shoving a camera down my little fella. Now, any blokes reading will shudder at the mention of this (you are right to).

When the day came, I turned up at the hospital and was ushered into a room containg the doctor in question and 2 hot nurses (why did they have to be hot?). This is where my utter humiliation began. I was asked to get undressed but leave my t-shirt on (to make me look like a plonka I suspect) and to sit on this kind of dentists chair. Suffice to say, despite the presence of 2 hot nurses my knob was so small it was as if it was trying to escape up inside my body due to the horror that was about to come.

Now this is where the lying started. The doc proceeded to tell me how small the camera was. Lies! He pulled out this scary looking contraption that was at least the thickness of a ball-point pen. Now, giving the technology its dues, that is pretty small for a camera, but not when some bloke is about to shove it into your Jap's eye.

The evil doc then proceeded to squeeze some kind of lube into my poor little shriveled fella and begin to feed the camera into into it. Now this was pretty nasty, but not quite as bad as I had feared. Phew I thought, I am going to get through this. It was also quite interesting to see the picture from the camera on this little TV. Then came his next lie. He had reachd the little valve between my bladder and my willy tube. He proceeded to say 'This is going to sting a little'. Lies! As he gave the camera an almighty shove, the most intense burning pain I have ever experienced shot through my body. My eyes began to weep, I felt faint and I thought I was going to be sick. Don't forget the hot nurses. They were still just standing there watching (not entirely sure what they were there for apart from to make me feel even more stupid).

After that he had a quick look around my bladder, told me I might have cancer (I didn't in the end - phew) and pulled it out. The relief of the toture instrument being pulled from my, now beaten, willy was one of the most relieving feelings I can remember.

After all of this, he played his most evil card of all. He told me to drink plenty of water over the next few days. I did as was asked and by the time I got home I felt like I needed a wee. As per usual, I stood there ready to go and relaxed. The moment the first drop hit that valve he had buggered my knees buckled and my head spun. It was even more bloody painful than the camera abuse. The bastard. I imagined him sitting in his doctors canteen chuckling to himself.

However, there has been one doctor that I can remember who did tell me the brutal truth. A few years ago, I had a really bad chest infection that got so bad I had to go to A&E (ER to you Merkins). Whilst I was there this nice African doc told me that they need to check the level of oxygen in the blood in my arteries. They best way for them to do this was to draw some blood from the artery in my wrist, the one that people cut when they are doing themselves in. I told him that it didn't sound very pleasent and he agreed. In fact his exact words were 'This is really going to hurt'. He wasn't lying.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 13:36, 5 replies)

Oh
dear.god.

I feel for you, and hope that I never, ever have to do anything even remotely similar.
(dchurch bah, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:09, closed)

Eight Words I Thought I'd Never Say.....
A few years ago, I was treated in Hospital for Acute Pancreatitis.

While I was smacked out on Morphine, I had a Catheter inserted.
I can't remember this, but remember being surprised to find a bag in a box by the side of my bed which would automagically fill up with urine without me even having to think about expelling it.

Eventually, [after almost 2 weeks since admission], it came to be time to remove the Catheter. So - the Nurse gets started, and it's clear, that because she'd never owned a penis of her own, that she's incapable of knowing how much this was hurting me.

I said the words, twice...

"Nurse, please take your hands off my penis."

Carefully and slowly, I began to remove the Catheter tube myself, without any further pain whatsoever. On final removal of the tube, the nurse inspects the business end of the Catheter and seems surprised at the congealed blood around the end of it....
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:38, closed)

One of the reasons they lie
is that telling someone it'll hurt a lot makes it (wait for it) hurt more than if you tell someone it'll be just a scratch. It's an expectation effect, and works a bit like placebos.
( Fronds are waving gently on, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:43, closed)

Ouch
Just ouch.
( snee held his breath since, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:56, closed)

You've just had me squirming around in my chair.
Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!!
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:07, closed)