Okay, I was never onstage...
...but I did participate in high school plays.

I was the guy who built the sets.

Now most fifteen year old kids don't know shit about construction, but I was hardly a normal fifteen year old. Starting in 1970 my parents had built a house in the mountains, and to save money Dad and I did much of the wiring and insulating. So I got to look closely at how the thing was put together.

The play was "The Miracle Worker". There was to be a low platform for the downstairs of the house, and a higher platform for the upstairs, with a small staircase connecting them and a door frame. The platforms themselves were already built, more or less- someone had constructed box shapes of 2x6, and put plywood over the top. So what was left were the stairs, the door frame and raising the thing up.

I gave one platform six foot tall legs for the upstairs, and put diagonal braces on it to stabilize it. I made some stairs to lead down from it, and put the lower platform on two foot legs. I connected the two pretty solidly, then painted everything.

When they rehearsed on it, several people commented that it was the most solid set they'd ever had. I noted with pride that it didn't deflect at all as they walked on it, but stayed square and plumb.

The play went well. For the dress rehearsal they brought in real food for the dining room scene, which was kept backstage in a refrigerator for use during the performances. By the third night it was getting a bit stale, of course...

So after the last show, predictably, there was a food fight.

Mashed potatoes get heavy and dense. A handful of them hits like soft lead and leaves a welt. Biscuits get to be the consistency of masonry and will bounce intact off of brick walls. And the less said about the peas, the better.

Then the hormone and adrenaline crazed cast went after the set to tear it down. The door frame was just a rectangle that I had tacked in place, so it came off easily and was torn into three chunks by three rabid teenagers. The stairs pulled off with a groan, and the platforms were separated with great effort. The taller one was laid upside down on the floor with its legs standing up, and the guys screamed like Vikings and launched themselves at the legs to tear them off and add them to the scrap pile.

Ever seen Wile E. Coyote run face first into a telephone pole and just kinda stop?

After incurring some pretty impressive bruises they gave up. The janitors were sent in the next day with crowbars to take apart my handiwork...

Being onstage wouldn't have been anywhere near as fun as watching that.

EDIT: Hey! I'm at both the top and bottom of Page 1!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Mar 2009, 18:25, 4 replies)

I think you and The Great Architect should switch names.
I can only hope that all future builds of yours will continue the fine tradition of hurting teenagers.
(Brigadier Arthur Charles, Mrs, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 18:30, closed)

The best part
was that the guys who were so determined to macho the thing apart were a couple of cocky little fuckers who I didn't really like anyway.

Seeing them injure themselves in their stubbornness was worth all the effort of building the goddam thing.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Mar 2009, 18:40, closed)

hahaha, sounds fantastic :)

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 18:33, closed)

Brilliant!!!
This is great, this is!!! Cheers!!!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 13:33, closed)