B3ta Nativity play, Act 1
Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthonic, is discussing the forthcoming nativity play.

Mr chthonic: (soothingly) Okay. Now, let's see... Pooflake, you've been very good this year. Consistent performance, just as expected. Right, you can be Joseph.

Pooflake: Woo!

SpankyHanky: But sir! Sir! That's not fair! I got loads of Best Ofs.

Mr chthonic: Sorry Spanky, but Joseph is a very responsible post. We need a reliable type like Pooflake in that role. You can be the Innkeeper.

(Pooflake belms beams.)

SpankyHanky: (huffily) I don't want to be the Innkeeper. I want to do Mary

Mr chthonic: What was that Spanky?

SpankyHanky: I said, who is going to be Mary?

CHCB: Oh, can I be Mary, sir, can I?

Mr chthonic: No, CHCB. Mary was a Virgin. The Bible is quite clear on that.

Enzyme: Actually, sir, that's a mistranslation-

Mr chthonic: (abruptly) yes, thank you Enzyme. At the risk of typecasting, you can be a Wise Man. BGB will play Mary.

(BGB pokes her tongue out at CHCB.)

Mr chthonic: The other two Wise Men are Sexmonkey and althegeordie. We need to keep them away from the goats so they can't be shepherds. Don't let them stand next to each other. Apeloverage is a shepherd. It's a non-speaking role so we should be safe from punnage. Rakky, chickenlady and rachelswipe are angels. I've got you down as the Archangel Gabriel, PJM, but if you utter a word about unmarried mothers on benefits, I'll have your life. Everyone else is a sheep or a donkey. CHCB, you can be the narrator.

CHCB: (bitterly) I'm always the narrator.

Mr chthonic: your Norn Irish accent puts the fear of god into the others. That seems fitting.
(Claps hands) Right! Rehersals start tomorrow. Spanky, stop pulling BGB's hair or I'll send you to the Headmaster. Remember what happened last time you went to see Mr Rob? Yes, well, not another word out of you.


(Act 2 is here)

( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:49, closed)

*sigh*
Forgotten again.

*wanders off to www.sensibleerection.com*
(The Resident Loon is currently a starving artist, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:52, closed)

Aww, Loon
YOu can be the star. The Star. The one that guides Enzyme, al and Bert to some poxy stable. The Star is a very important role. If it wasn't for The Star, the wise men would still be wandering around the desert, molesting camels.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:53, closed)

I'm not terribly good at twinkling.
Besides, I somehow doubt that Enzyme would have much of anything to do with this, as it's bible related.

'Sokay, I have stage fright anyway.
(The Resident Loon is currently a starving artist, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:02, closed)

And me...
...can I be a shepherd?
( Undercovercarrot realises the true evil of manflu, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:15, closed)

Yes.
Okay. That was a good pun you just did, so you are rewarded with a non-speaking tea-towel based role.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:17, closed)

That's...
..probably best for all. My language can sometimes be described as profane.
( Undercovercarrot realises the true evil of manflu, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 20:56, closed)

I'll do my best
to run a tight sheep.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:54, closed)

arf
and arf again :)
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:55, closed)

Obviously this is fucking magnificent
...I am an attention whore...

Innkeeper will do fine. Joseph was a cunt anyway. And I'd do the Innkeeper in the style of Scarface.
(SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:55, closed)

Joseph was a cunt?...

Well then it's the best bit of casting since they gave the voice of Garfield to Bill Murray.

Woo again!

Spanks, we can privately act out the little known scene from the nativity, where the innkeeper says:

"Well, we might have some room at the inn...but you'll have to let me touch your cock first"
( Pooflake , for imsomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:07, closed)

Or the scene
where the innkeeper produces the photos of Mary sucking off the donkey and threatens to blackmail her unless she does unspeakable inkeeper-related-sex-acts.

Virgin my arse...
(SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:21, closed)

lol
"Say hello to my little inn"
(Leoninus "Never lick a fresh turd on a hot day.", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:17, closed)

That'd be fantastic.
Innkeeper opens door to reveal a huge pile of coke and an assault rifle. Then sends his dwarf mate out back to check on the animals.
Dwarf mate hits his head on the roof of the stable, and the innkeeper quips

"Stable low to my leetle friend!"

no laughs? It's all in how I tell 'em...
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:56, closed)

Can I be in charge of
handing out orange squash and bourbon buiscits at the interval?
(Fredz should learn to walk before he crawls, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:56, closed)

hell yes
make sure it's extra watery squash
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:56, closed)

Okay.
I might eat some (most) of the tasty buiscits though.
(Fredz should learn to walk before he crawls, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 15:58, closed)

*sulks*
I'm a trained ac-tor, you know. :(

*settles in* But I shall watch this performance, nonetheless!
( Devil_In_Tights my ring is tight on my finger, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:20, closed)

The world always needs theatre critics.
Impart your wisdom!
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Sat 28 Mar 2009, 10:51, closed)

I'm going to be Archangel Gabriel...
in the style of Alan Rickman.

Woo yay!
(PJM Does not love Liberace, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:21, closed)

Can I be the back end of the donkey?


I'm *ahem* fully-equipped!
(Captain Placid High, wide and handsome, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:26, closed)

Tell people that you're the Metatron and they look at you blankly.
Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a biblical scholar!

Do you drench everyone who enters your bedroom in fire retardant chemicals? It's no wonder you're single!

(One of my favorite movies, as it happens.)
(The Resident Loon is currently a starving artist, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:31, closed)

...
Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
( Agnostic Antichrist why isn't fingering a girl known as digital sex?, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 8:33, closed)

I'd actually
pay actual money to actually see this actually happen!
(pootermunky unlurked on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:37, closed)

How much?

( Monkeysex You can't box zombies, you fool, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:39, closed)

YAY!
I'm a wise man!
( Monkeysex You can't box zombies, you fool, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 16:38, closed)

You mean 'cunt'

( Davros' Granddad what's the deal with Paul McCartney's mouth?, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:33, closed)

FUCKIN ACE!!
I'm Mary. Woo!

*looks virginal*
( big-girl's-blouse has the kind of breasts that will get her banned, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:26, closed)

I've noticed a major role that's going begging
and pout in first dibs on Jesus. I'll even bring my own nappy :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:30, closed)

if you are content to be breastfed by BGB,
so be it.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:32, closed)

It won't be the first time ; )
.
( big-girl's-blouse has the kind of breasts that will get her banned, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:39, closed)

Perks of the job!
I love dairylea anyway :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 0:40, closed)

But usually
the part of Jesus is played by a 40 watt bulb.
(The Resident Loon is currently a starving artist, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:03, closed)

An angel!
Woo!

I never, ever got to be an angel - being dark haired and far too mouthy for my own good. I was always the narrator apart from one excellent time when I was HEROD! Oh yes, no typecasting going on there.

I shall make my own angel costume - something a little Jade inspired perhaps...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:38, closed)

I can soooo see you as an angel.
With the light behind you shining through your curly hair and making you look all ethereal : )
( big-girl's-blouse has the kind of breasts that will get her banned, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:45, closed)

...
and shining through her skirt and the gauzy blouse...

Yeah, I'm all for this.
(The Resident Loon is currently a starving artist, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:03, closed)

An interesting thought
*begins scribbling lighting designs*
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:12, closed)

Can I be Herod?
I have an inherent unease around small children, and a fetchingly sinister beard. Well, sinisterish, but I stroke it meaningfully a lot and glower when I'm doing it.
( Davros' Granddad what's the deal with Paul McCartney's mouth?, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 19:48, closed)

You're on.
Camp up the paedo routine.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:05, closed)

Yay
I shall be Herod in the style of Kenneth Williams mixed with Ray Winstone. I think it's a goer.
( Davros' Granddad what's the deal with Paul McCartney's mouth?, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:35, closed)

classic
cliky
(roadkillontoast, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:15, closed)

Might not be about much at the mo
but it seems I've been forgotten!
( Mrs Liveinabin is the only person left who uses indicators, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 20:28, closed)

*soothing voice*
We always need sheep, you know. The Baby Jesus loved sheep.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 21:29, closed)

Yes
And Mary Magdalene, apparently. Although the church doesn't talk about that bit much.
( Davros' Granddad what's the deal with Paul McCartney's mouth?, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 21:43, closed)

Did you know
that churches used to have pictures of her looking all sad and that in and this is where the word maudlin comes from?
( Mrs Liveinabin is the only person left who uses indicators, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 17:54, closed)

I like the idea of being Mr Chthonic
*gets out red pen and marks homework*
( chthonic, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 22:22, closed)

Not meant to
use red pen any more.

Too upsetting.
( Mrs Liveinabin is the only person left who uses indicators, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 17:52, closed)

Dear CHCB, can I please have a part?
I'll play with it until white stuff comes out. I think it's about time we had a nativity play with a bukkake scene.
( mistaspakkaman - think of it as an extended vacation!, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 22:41, closed)

YOu're a sheep.
Don't take it personally, it's an Off Topic thing.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Sat 28 Mar 2009, 9:34, closed)

.
And there was me thinking a sheep's white stuff was wool.
( mistaspakkaman - think of it as an extended vacation!, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 19:10, closed)

This is truly wonderful!
Please may I be the bored looking worker?
( Batshitmentalist being not quite so batshit since, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 23:56, closed)

It's typecasting again,
but sure.
( crackhouseceilidhband - "refreshing and logical", Sat 28 Mar 2009, 10:52, closed)

Excellent!
If this doesn't make the top, something is amiss.
(louveciennes can kill a bat with an egg whisk on, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 1:24, closed)

I don't care what everyone else says
I'll be a lamb.
albeit a lamb who kicks the shite out of any molesting wise men.
(Poppet Nothing like an almighty urgency-fuck!, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 5:47, closed)

this
is the first time anyone has ever described a lawyer as angelic.
( rachelswipe why am i still at work? it's fucking friday night!, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 11:15, closed)

Must get my eyes tested...
I initially read the end of the first line as "...discussing the coming nativity foreplay."
(The Supreme Crow is a complete and utter badgerflap, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:30, closed)