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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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I am in Swindon. It is worse than I remember.
How are you spending your evening?

I will have a couple of pints, eat and read. Thank fuck for iPads, at least I won't be completely bored.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 19:47, Reply)
I nearly got a job in Swindon once
but I wasn't good enough. I stayed at a B&B where the guy asked me what I wanted out of a list of cereals. I selected Shreddies. Despite listing them, he hadn't got any. I said that was fine but he went out and got some anyway, but got mixed up between Shreddies and mini Shredded Wheat which is entirely different. I had to eat mini shredded wheat with COLD milk. Sacrilege.

Don't fall into the same trap I did
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 19:53, Reply)
Lounging around in my longjohns.
This weather ruins absolutely everything.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:00, Reply)
I am suffering.
My throat is so sore I have to keep drinking constantly just to stop it from screaming at me. And it's not even good drinking, either.

There is fuck all chance of me sleeping tonight. *cries*
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:00, Reply)
My plans for world domination are almost complete!

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:08, Reply)
Just lost an auction on eBay despite my phone saying I'd won.
FUCK YOU APPLE, I'M GLAD STEVE JOBS IS BROWN BREAD.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:18, Reply)
More speakers for annoying your neighbours or some overpriced clothing?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:23, Reply)
I won some jeans only to find they were far too big
And I can't carry off the wigga look
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:44, Reply)
i am working
Work is shit
Why am I so fucking lazy
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:24, Reply)
Not the greatest haiku I've ever read K, but not a bad effort either.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:38, Reply)
most poems are shit
Fact
Work is also shit
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:50, Reply)
Oh Kristine you're our resident Yank
something, something, something.
WANK.

That poem more or less wrote itself.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:53, Reply)

Our resident Yank, we call her K
She loves to mock Darth for being gay
She takes no shit, no way, no no
Her crazy dog, she calls echo
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:55, Reply)
Sporty is a North East Bleurk
And frankly we think he's a joke


(what can you do with that eh?)
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:59, Reply)
Not much!
Good spelling for bloke though
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:00, Reply)
Just trying to get the accent right.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:04, Reply)
he likes his sport
and he is a cow
and that's enough
facts for now
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:00, Reply)
I am drinking gin and not sorting out my Dads present

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:45, Reply)
What are you getting him?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:46, Reply)
I have some Jethro Tull CDs and a photo frame
I just need to print out some pics of the grand kids to put in it and wrap them
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:48, Reply)
I'm not sure if the makers of the Jethro Tull CDs will want the cover art defaced with snaps of your kids.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:51, Reply)
Meh

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:53, Reply)
What are you having with your gin?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:54, Reply)
Bitter lemon unfortunately
No tonic. No beer. No wine

Bad planning
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 20:56, Reply)
No tonic, no wine....
Bob Marleys......
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:00, Reply)
No doughnuts either

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:00, Reply)
WITH A SPOON!

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:23, Reply)
Genital warts

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:13, Reply)
Watching the lightest comedy I can find
a beer or two possibly. Stay away from Swindon, root of all evil.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:09, Reply)
Evening Amberl.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:12, Reply)
FFS.
Some colleagues from another department turned up earlier when I was on pint number 4. I had to be pleasant. I hate being pleasant at the best of times. Good thing about an iPad is they think I am working now so they are leaving me alone.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:15, Reply)
emailing all the different agents I emailed when I first looked for a flat
Seeing if they've got anything available now. If anyone knows a good bunch to try, let me know. Just thanking fuck that I extended my stay here and got a Weeks season ticket to London.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:18, Reply)
funny story
As I was buying the ticket I said it was to start Monday and she said, "Oh, you're only supposed to buy them 24 hours before because they only have an expiry date, not a start date. I'll let you off because you didn't know. Not planning on travelling to London before Monday, are you?"
"No!" I replied firmly. Got home, found out about flat disaster, fucking am planning it now.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:21, Reply)
You've had a really shitty week haven't you.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:23, Reply)
It has slightly dented my "everything always works out fine" armour
I was possibly due a run like this having had no drama whatsoever for 30-odd years.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:24, Reply)
You ought to see what out of pocket expenses the agency are prepared to give you for
this cock up.

If they have a flat on their books, you'd imagine they were have it exclusively, and if not, they should have made it clear to you.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:31, Reply)
it does seem like their business model favours landlords over tenants
Given all the checks I went through and then he just tells them to do one
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:47, Reply)
I described myself at work as 'a bitter and cynical man'.
People agreed.

Also, this morning, I said that I think pandas look like people wearing panda suits.

It was met with lolz.

But they do look like people wearing panda suits. This is why it isn't a funny thing to say.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:26, Reply)
How is this relevant to the question?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:28, Reply)
It isn't.
Does it have to be? Surely the 'question' in any OT thread is merely a thinly veiled, desperate firing of an internet fatty starting pistol?

That's how I always view it.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:29, Reply)
When I am Prime Minister it will be mandatory to be accurate.
I will excuse your actions for now. Consider yourself lucky.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:35, Reply)
Has anybody ever told you how hilariously pompous you are?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:38, Reply)
Yes. I like being pompous.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:40, Reply)
For the love of god, why?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:42, Reply)
Don't know, but I enjoy it nonetheless.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:44, Reply)
being pompous is its own reward
Like being smug. You know you shouldn't but it feels so good.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:49, Reply)
I don't see what is wrong with being bitter and cynical.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:34, Reply)
Nor me.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:55, Reply)
Evening all
My plans for the remainder of the night are to drink some beer, talk some shite on here and then possibly fall asleep right here or motivate myself to go to bed. Exciting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:31, Reply)
For a BENDER that is quite an exciting plan.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:32, Reply)
Well I'm glad to have excited one offtopicer then
'ow biss, Jeff?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:33, Reply)
Good thanks.
I've had an enjoyable enough day.

I have a glass of squash and I'm flicking between the darts on Sky and An American Werewolf in London on the tellybox.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:34, Reply)
Squash? You gayer.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:37, Reply)
Nowt wrong with that.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:37, Reply)
There is plenty wrong with it, unless it is diluted with alcohol instead of water. You've let me down. I want you to think about this before you' do so again.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:40, Reply)
Ah the old chef's trick.
There's always one guy in the kitchen who drinks "squash" all night.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:42, Reply)
What type? Courgette? Pumpkin?
IM MISUNDERSTANDING SQUASH FOR COMEDIC EFFECT!!!!LOL!!!
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:40, Reply)
hahaha
It made me laugh.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:40, Reply)

Not really
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:40, Reply)
orange

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:41, Reply)
Ribena

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:41, Reply)
i tried that earlier.
It went down like quentin's girlfriend with a puncture.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:41, Reply)
Your humour is far too sophisticated for the heathens of offtopic, b3th

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:43, Reply)
updated news:
I have decided to fuck the diet, and have hit the vodka. My throat is now marginally less painful.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:38, Reply)
I think alcohol is an important part of any recovery*
*Apart from recovering from alcoholism
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:41, Reply)
My 'bit of a cold' is quickly turning into a full on bout of man-flu.
I may die.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:42, Reply)
some of us manned the fuck up
got the hell over it and drank a shit load of cider and butcum
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:43, Reply)
I may never talk to you again.
On the other hand, stepson and granddaughter no.2 have both had colds in the last few weeks. Could have been them.

So, when do I get to take you shopping?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:44, Reply)
you're still convinced this is a good idea?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:45, Reply)
I'm a shopping expert.
What are you in the market for?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:47, Reply)
don't you trust me?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:47, Reply)
Human League lolz
Don't you trust me Cavy?
Don't you trust me oooh-oooh-oooh.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:49, Reply)
Yet again. LTI.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:51, Reply)
You tell 'im, batty.
You can also tell me why I've had nearly 130 views of my blog today, and nobody's following it yet. Does that mean it's shit?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:53, Reply)
it means no one's realised you can follow it
or they are waiting to see how it goes. I don't think anyone follows by coll3ctive posts and they are GOLD
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:05, Reply)
: /

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:17, Reply)
it's more that I am a terrible
whiny shopper
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:55, Reply)
Don't worry
I'll get someone to back me up and we can bully you into submission.

And I'll let you spend a few hours in Waterstones.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:57, Reply)
You'd be better off going shopping with me then
We probably wouldn't go near any shops mind.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:57, Reply)
^ Cavy - you appear to have pulled.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:01, Reply)
best offer in some time

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:03, Reply)
Lucky old Cavy
I'm quite a catch.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:04, Reply)
It's a match made in heaven.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:10, Reply)
She can look after my wife and kids
While I browse a record shop then nip for a pint.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:17, Reply)
there's no middle ground on OT is there?
You either want sex with everyone or you'd prefer a quiet night in with hobbies.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:28, Reply)

hobbies Darth
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:29, Reply)
My hobby is sex with everyone

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:31, Reply)

everyone men
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:33, Reply)
Go to the offy then.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:00, Reply)
I made a smoothie earlier
I briefly felt what people must mean when they say 'healthy'
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:04, Reply)
You made a smoothie.
Was it more of a James Bond sort of smooth, or more a Tangles sort of smooth.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:12, Reply)
is there a difference?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:15, Reply)
One is from coventry.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:17, Reply)
Ugh.
That's nearly as bad as Stoke.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:19, Reply)
Oh come on
I'm at least Milk Tray man sort of smooth
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:16, Reply)

Tray
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:16, Reply)
All because the Cavy loves milk tray....

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:17, Reply)
in that you break into
women's houses at night to stalk them, but leave chocolate as an excuse?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:18, Reply)
Doesn't matter.
Had chocolate.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:19, Reply)
I once ditched someone on Valentine's Day
for being a wholesale nutcase. I still ate the chocolates he gave me.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:19, Reply)
I'm not sure why you wouldn't

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:21, Reply)
Fruit and nutcase!

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:23, Reply)
She's had chocolate, I've had a wank in her underwear drawer - everyone is happy.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:20, Reply)
That's quite an edit.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:32, Reply)
or kidney dialysis

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:42, Reply)
That takes the piss

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:52, Reply)

the diet. Gonz.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:42, Reply)
Well, I might need another man soon,

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:43, Reply)
Is Mr b3th still alive then?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:44, Reply)
barely.
If you ask him, he'll tell you he's hovering on the brink. I shall make sure I have a freshly laundered black dress in the wardrobe at all times.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:46, Reply)

laundered black dress scrubbed filipino boy
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:10, Reply)
I'll shave my head and we can recreate the time mortisha and uncle fester danced the last tango in Paris.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:15, Reply)

An individual is a four-dimensional object of greatly elongated form; in ordinary language we say that he has considerable extension in time and insignificant extension in space.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 21:55, Reply)
Some of us extend more insignificantly than others
upwards, in your case.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:11, Reply)
Better average height than homeless.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:12, Reply)
aspire to average

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:22, Reply)
Oh CQ, I thought we had an entente going.
You're getting as obsessive as Darth. Though hopefully you don't want to penetrate me.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:25, Reply)
I have nothing against you
other than your willful misenterpretation of statistics.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:29, Reply)
Then why don't you stop following me around then?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:31, Reply)
below the belt
Which to be honest is where I thought you'd riposte.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:44, Reply)
Is that another height gag?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:45, Reply)
Nope!
I just expected an "insignificant extension in space" gag about penis length.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:55, Reply)
Oh I see.
Srsly, the flat thing suxxorz.

You training it from Brum to London then? How expensive will that be?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:00, Reply)
£250 a week
beats living in a cardboard box, though. Hopefully a week at most.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:06, Reply)
A grand a month.
Fucking hell.

But yeah, a week at most.

Fingers crossed dude. Did nobody from here offer you crash space?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:08, Reply)
Monty
Totally had it all worked out before I extended here, too. I'd just rather be in my own place and move in one step than put stuff in storage and Kip on his sofa bed.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:25, Reply)
Well you need to make sure that Stunned doesn't sit on it any point.
He has previous for breaking sofas.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:27, Reply)
+h

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:30, Reply)
!

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:32, Reply)
Urrugh.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:36, Reply)
I had half a bomberdeat and some nandos and a mcflurry.
I haven't drunk that much in ages, but I felt I deserved it.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:14, Reply)
You're going to have to help me out on that first word

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:15, Reply)
Bombardier.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:15, Reply)
Ah, the beer.
I was thinking it was a fancy kind of Nando's food.

I;ve never been to Nando's, you see.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:16, Reply)
Pretty sure there is no fancy food at Nando's
It is a small step up from KFC
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:19, Reply)
I've heard it's KFC with cutlery.
Can't be bad.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:21, Reply)
That brief moment when you suddenly realise you don't like piri piri chicken...
It's a nando-second.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:27, Reply)
hahaha

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:27, Reply)
I heard they like it when you demand "MAN ! GO, and lime".
thats so shit.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:43, Reply)
It's alright, I only ate half 'cus my stomach was caining cus I didn't eat all day or take an opiates, I got a doggy bag with it though.
But then my opiates kicked in as we were leaving so I wasn't in pain so we had a McFlurry and I got my doggy bag now.

I like nandos, it's pretty good, they owe me 3/4 of a chicken at the moment, I'm going to fill it out all the way and give it to a homeless man, it'll be a waste to give it to them now as they'll never be able to complete the card and get those 10 chicken wings. Only one more left for that I think. I also got a free meal at Abukado that I'm gonna give the farringdon station homeless guy; he has a dog now.

Nandos is shit if you don't like chicken or hot stuff, but amazing if you do. I had chicken livers with two roles and 3 wings instead of sides. Oh, and some chili jam which rocks.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:22, Reply)
Bomberdear with an autocomplete of some word I donno.
That bitter beer without the bubbles.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:16, Reply)
What do you call an arrogant Roman clown? Supercilious.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:37, Reply)
Would you believe on of the agents I emailed was still up at 9:45?
Emailed back and forth, she sent me some properties, I picked a couple, going to see them tomorrow. I like that "I have nothing better to do than help you find somewhere to live" attitude in a letting agent.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:47, Reply)
Sounds good mate.
Are they in the right location?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:48, Reply)
One is
the other works out to about 35 minutes of walking and public transport.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:54, Reply)
Well when you're on the ground, you might be able to find something else, especially if you've got to hear back from other agencies.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:57, Reply)
True dat
I figure I'll hear from other places on the way down and try and arrange something for after. But if one of these places is acceptable I'm going to try my best to stick a pin in them. Metaphorically, Jeff.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:11, Reply)
that's just about do-able, is it?

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:57, Reply)
^ Says the person who won't get a 25 minute train journey to Bristol for work.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:58, Reply)
that's just to get me into Bristol!
It would be another half hour once I get there

Though mr b3th agrees with you that I should have a trial run one day.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:59, Reply)
Progress at last.
Get a rush hour train in, and another home again and spend the day with the agencies.

Make sure you've got printed copies of your C.V as well as having them on a USB stick - also, make sure it's easily accessable to e-mail it from your phone, just in case that is the only way they can accept it.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:01, Reply)
That would imply having appointments with agencies
and I can't get any of them to answer my emails or talk to me on the phone.

It's a buyters market out there, alright.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:06, Reply)
Well send me a list of the agencies you want to contact and I'll either add to it, or if I know anyone there
I'll drop them a line.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:11, Reply)
Pretty much
My worst commute was about 100 minutes by car to get to a place in Nottingham. Anything more than that I've always stayed over in the week.

At the job I've just left it was 20-25 minutes. I allow more if on public transport because you can read, but it's still "shorter the better".
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:09, Reply)
That's what puts me off working in Bristol.
I know it would add three hours a day to my working time, and I'd end up burning out before xmas. I've been there before, and I really don't want to spend another xmas vacillating between catatonic and hysterical.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:16, Reply)
I used to work with a lad who commuted up to Barnsley from Nottingham.
Given that he was on about 6 an hour, I thought he was mad. What with the price of car maintenance, insurance and petrol he probably couldn't have broken even.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:24, Reply)
Mate, you ever lived in London?
You shouldn't ever have to walk more than 10 minutes to a tube station if you don't want to, 90% one of them will have (inside your price range) somewhere good tempoary to live 'till you can get what you want. I've never been on the tube for long than an hour and a half, two max, and thats going from the two furthest points (cockfosters to Heathrow).

To give you an idea, it takes 40 mins to go from cockfosters to holbern, which is around half way across london.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 0:01, Reply)
And once you're in the tube, you're on it, get an ipod or a book out, and it doesn't matter how long it takes.
It takes me just over an hour to get into work and I don't think anything of it.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 0:01, Reply)
Thats 15 minutes of textin/interneting, then being on the underground and its one TV Show that i've downloaded.
No big deal at all.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 0:02, Reply)
that sounds more like it.
if they get you sorted, send them a nice bottle of something.
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:50, Reply)
Or, just pay them their massive fee for doing their job and get on with it.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:52, Reply)
alright thatcher

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:56, Reply)
Shurrit you.
Made more progress on your Wordpress site?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:57, Reply)
hang on, I'll send you a gaz.

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 22:58, Reply)
Okay

(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:02, Reply)
If you want any plugins and shit, wordpress is one of my key skills.
Get it hosted away from wordpress.org, pay the few quid a month, it means you can do litterally anything you want with the site. If you want someone to get that up'n'running for you, I can do that.
(, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 0:03, Reply)

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