Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
(
rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
« Go Back | See The Full Thread
The Day Psychochomp Won (sub title: How T*e B******s Got Her Groove Back)Our hero, P was mulling over yet another spreadsheet, forecasting paperclip sales for the next quarter, and he let out a wistful sigh, surely there was more to life than this?
Meanwhile, a hundred miles away a girl works in a sleazy bar, she only works there to pay for her gravely ill mother's cancer treatment, and as she releases another bucket of glitter bodygel over herself on stage, twisting her ankle around a slippery silver pole, the crowd cheers and she can't help but think how empowering it all is, empowering, but somehow unfulfilling, and she daydreams that someday, somewhere she will be rescued by a knight in a shining Toyota Corolla.
"Psychochomp!" P wakes from his spreadsheet-daze to see his boss standing over him, "where are last month's final rexel reports?! O'Hallahan's gonna bust your balls if we don't have them by 2pm!"
P clenches his fist, grits his teeth and mutters, "screw this".
In one swift movement, Chomp rises to his feet, uppercutting his boss in a shower of teeth and blood, sending him flying across the office, landing neatly and unconscious on a stack of copier paper by the water cooler.
The whole office rises to its feet, dumbstruck, and they slowly begin to clap and cheer. Chomp undoes his tie and throws it to the ground, storming out of the office in a hail of tossed paper and unfettered stationery.
In the parking lot he spies his lowly Cortina, with a bin bag over one window and no two matching body panels, but then in the corner of his vision, a mighty throbbing beast of a machine just begging to be ridden.
He hops onto the waiting Aprilia RSV4, and googles how to hotwire a scooter on his iPhone 3GS. It purrs to life, with all 35 horses braying beneath him.
He rides off, not knowing where he's going or which way he's headed, he just hits the road.
Back at the bar, TB's set has finished and all the empowerment is starting to wear off as she scrubs what looks like icing sugar from her platform stilhetto.
The bar's owner stomps into her dressing room, "what the hell do you call that, TB?! You know your set is supposed to go on for 15 minutes, not 12!"
"but boss, I..." she begins to reply.
"get the hell back out there til I say you can come back in!" he grabs her by the hair and throws her back into the learing crowd as she holds back a tear.
As she gyrates rhytmically to Steps Greatest Hits, the low rumbling roar of an engine can be heard over the sound of the music, approaching from the distance.
It stops, the door to the bar opens, showing the silhoutte of a real man, and he approaches the bar.
TB notices the guy at the bar, and they fix each other an appreciative stare. Her 3 minutes are up and she goes to leave the floor, but again the bar manager grabs her, this time by the wrist, "where do you think you're going?" he spits right in her ear.
"you'll do your full 15 minutes again, and only I tell you when to leave."
The stranger at the bar approaches, "hey bub, leave the lady alone," he cracks his knuckles and his eyes sparkle as the glitterball reflects on them, the rest of him almost totaly obscured in the darkness.
"she ain't no lady!" says the barman, spinning round and lunging at the stranger.
The stranger slams the barman's head into a nearby pole and repeatedly karate chops the back of his neck until he slumps to the floor.
The music stops and every punter and member of staff in the place turns to see PC standing over the manager. Each of them withdraws a weapon and attacks, but Chompy Kung Fu's the fuck out of them all, bodies fly everywhere, bones break, teeth smash, blood sprays up every wall.
Antonio Banderas happens to be at a nearby booth, stands and withdraws pistols to take aim at P, who descends on him rapidly, punching his face clean off.
Bruce Lee turns from his stool at the corner of the bar, catches PC's eye and nods. PC nods back.
"let's get out of here, babe," Chomp says, taking TB by the hand and leading her out of the door. They hop onto his Aprilia and thunder off into the distance.
As fugitives they go on the run for months, finally escaping to Brussels, where Chomp runs for head of the EU and wins by a landslide, his first act as leader of Europe is to instate free healthcare for all, effectively saving TB's mother's life.
He lights a massive cigar, puts on his aviators and hops onto his two wheeled Italian monster, TB hops on the back and holds him tight. They head off into the distance once again, to live happily ever after.
(, Mon 22 Oct 2012, 11:37, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
i don't ever care if i get banned for writing thisi enjoyed writing it
(, Mon 22 Oct 2012, 11:41, Reply)
good man, it's all about the fun!(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 22 Oct 2012, 11:42,
Reply)
« Go Back | See The Full Thread