My brother has just received an email from a barrister based in Lome, Togo informing him of some devastating news.
It would appear that I was killed with my entire family in a terrible car accident in June 2012. The barrister, a Mr Vincent Karhuma, says that I was working as an independent contractor in Togo and decided to visit their neighbouring country (Togo borders Ghana, Benin and Burkina Faso. It is unclear which I was visiting, but I'll assume Ghana).

It has become apparent that I was hoarding some 5.5 million US dollars prior to my death, which has come as some surprise to me. One would think that I wouldn't have been renting a one bed flat in Slough if I'd had that much behind me.

Obviously my family has been rocked by this announcement and I have since been exiled from their welcoming bosom as the cuckoo I apparently am.


When was the last time you had some surprising news?

Alt: b3tan obituaries?
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:27, 154 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Oh man, I quite liked that Kroney character too :o(

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:29, Reply)

I'm quite upset that Oxo mum Lynda Bellingham is about to cop it

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:33, Reply)

I'm quite upset to a) find out I had a wife and children
and b) find out that they, and I, are all dead.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:35, Reply)

officelol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:39, Reply)

When Dozer made some spinach and ricotta canneloni

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:30, Reply)

An easy post to make, I'm sure

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:33, Reply)

Alt:
Here lies Richard McBeef

DO NOT CREMATE!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:48, Reply)

FUCKING PEDANTIC CUNTS
Richard McBeef has died aged 40, only a day before his birthday. A prominent member of the Jewish community, he campaigned for better bathing facilities for prisoners during the 2nd World War.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:04, Reply)

See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:13, Reply)

I am quite tumescent

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:25, Reply)

Here lies Albert Marshmallow

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:49, Reply)

this is very good

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:12, Reply)

When Dozer and sporto misunderstood the word 'obituaries'

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:50, Reply)

I'm a bit surprised at sportscow, to be honest.
He's not stupid.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:52, Reply)

This is the nicest thing you've ever said about me

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:01, Reply)

It's about the nicest thing I ever say about anyone, sporto.
I am not awash with compliments.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:14, Reply)

I feel even more privileged to get this one then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:16, Reply)

nah m8, no room for an obbo, dis nigga's rollin' on the snappy epitaph tip yo

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:58, Reply)

Stunned Poster with be buried 1.83m under.
The family have, for deeply personal reasons, requested a ban on imperial units.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:53, Reply)

Yeah it's not an obituary, it's a silly feet joke, get over it you loons!

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:54, Reply)

It could be included in an obituary, so I think it would be allowed.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:56, Reply)

I don't care, you've ruined the whole thread for me now.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:56, Reply)

I think it was doomed from the outset
If people aren't bothering to post short messages, such as 'lol upset', then I hardly think they're going to invest the time to write a short, humorous biography of another poster.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:58, Reply)

lol upset

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:59, Reply)

an epitaph would be far more appropriate yeah

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:59, Reply)

I think YOU'RE doomed from the outset

( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 14:59, Reply)

Alright

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:00, Reply)

meaty

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:02, Reply)

Also, instead of writing all that you could have invested the time to write a short, humorous biography of another poster.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:02, Reply)

alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:02, Reply)

Turns out I'm not very good at it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:27, Reply)

"it" being?
Beards?
Food?
Music?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:33, Reply)

Alright, enough with the beard hate
Christ, it's the one thing I can do well.
Don't take that away from me.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:34, Reply)

^upset^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:34, Reply)

All these tears are making my paedo beard look all wispy :'(~

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:37, Reply)

I de-bearded this morning
I wish I could be bothered to shave more often. I look about 60 with a beard
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:42, Reply)

Got rid of them missus and became FABULOUS
Fair play, I am sure Jay will support you in this difficult time
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:52, Reply)

with cupping

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:53, Reply)

damn straight
well not damn straight quite the opposite but hey you know
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:56, Reply)

lol upset

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:35, Reply)

I started writing a 'humorous' obit for you
But it was deeply unfunny, so I didn't bother posting it
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:38, Reply)

More people should consider this

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:39, Reply)

That's why I haven't bothered. That and the fact I'm lazy and unmotivated.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:40, Reply)

I meant to say it doesn't normally stop you ha ha

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:46, Reply)

oh ha ha I walked straight into that one!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:51, Reply)

ha ha ha ha oh no

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:51, Reply)

I'd quite like to grow a proper heavy metal beard.
The trouble being I have the equivalently strong facial hair growth of a six year old girl.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:40, Reply)

I hate shaving
As a result I look like a homeless person about twice a week
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:42, Reply)

christ
www.b3ta.com/questions/celebrations/post2378804
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:20, Reply)

I just got this through LinkedIn - never had spam through there before
From Mrs. Selina / Good day dear
Selina Aliman
September 29, 2014 12:21 PM
Dearest in Christ Jesus,

My name is Mrs.Selina a nationality of Kuwait. I was married to late Mr. Kalamu who worked with Kuwait embassy here in GHANA for nine years before he died in the year October 2012. We were married for twenty years with a child. My husband died after an illness that lasted for four days may his Soul rest in perfect peace Amen.Before his death we were both born again Christians. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (eleven million us dollars) with one of good banks here in GHANA presently, this money is still with the bank. Recently my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to my cancer problem, though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. more especially earthquake victims in Haiti and also any organization of your choice, the poor and the motherless babies. I want a person or church that will use this fund to churches, orphanages, research centers and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I have a child that will inherit this money but my son can not carryout this work only because I and my late husband decide to use some of the money to work for God and live some for our son to have a better live. our son is just 17year old now, and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my family hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers, I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus! 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I will like you to understand that my contact to you is a divine direction from God, I don't want any of my husband family relatives to receive this money but I know that With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank where my late husband deposited this fund.

kindly reply me back through this my private email address

([email protected]) for security reason

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours Sister in Christ

Mrs. Selina And Son .
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:20, Reply)

You should probably let her know that you're a son of Abraham and that this is all a rather embarrassing mistake.

( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:39, Reply)

Damn, didn't think of that.
I think it's very unchristian of her to presume that i'm a theif just because my people have a tendancy of peacedozing their terrorist houses.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:49, Reply)

lol for 'peacedozing their terrorist houses.'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:51, Reply)

If the Palestinians didn't want their houses knocked down
they shouldn't have built them in areas that might get invaded. It's their own fault, really.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:55, Reply)

Nakers Bartholomew Worthington-Chipping-Norton
Sadly passed away last week after tripping over a thirty metre shoe lace. Nakers had been an active campaigner for the rights of those pikeys that live in Barnes. He often wryly referred to the soup kitchen he volunteered at as a "farmer's market", because of the large amount of fat cows he had to deal with. He led a troubled life, often he had to wear kilts as having a sidearse made finding decent trousers difficult.

He's survived by his children Iocasta and Maximilian; his wife is too busy with fucking horses anyway, so doesn't care.
( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:22, Reply)

haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:25, Reply)

>:(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:35, Reply)

Oh, you love the attention, you little slut.

( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:37, Reply)

It makes his little pink socks hard

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:42, Reply)

*BOI-OING*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 15:44, Reply)

Surprisingly, this isn't working as well as you might think in getting me out of doing the washing up.

( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:13, Reply)

6 minutes

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:54, Reply)

this^
Except I'm doing more overtime tonight :o(
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:55, Reply)

5 mins

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:56, Reply)

4!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:56, Reply)

64 :(

( Kroney, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 16:56, Reply)

0!!!!!!
See ys looosers
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 17:00, Reply)

Sad times
If I was you I would sell that extra house, It seems silly to have 2 and only live in one and then have to do loads of overtime just so your kids can have the finest in Geordie hobnail boots and coal butties
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 17:00, Reply)

it's because of selfish people like sporty spice here owning multiple properties
That psychochomp can't afford to buy a house of his own :'(
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 29 Sep 2014, 17:18, Reply)