A seasonal poem
Xmas is all about ME!

Never mind the children or the home-returning folk
Bedamned with sprouts and pudding, turkey, vodka mixed with yolk
I couldnt give a toss for Christians, charity or trees
As what’s important at this time of year is me! Me! ME!!!

I’m getting lots of pressies and my belly will get fat
I’ll drink myself unconscious wearing stupid looking hats
I’ll not do any washing-up or showering I think
I’ll melt into the couch while watching Star Wars with a drink

If someone gets me something which is tacky, cheap or naff
I’ll sling it straight back at them sneering with a little laugh
I’ll profligately dispense gifts and drinks and food for free
I’ll lord it over everyone with generosity

I’ll mock and jeer at adults running after little shits
I’ll “accidentally” smash the little fuckers xmas gifts
I’ll use the type of language innocents should never hear
And when I leave I’ll tell them all that I’m not coming back next year

I’m uncle baz, the bachelor, the wild one, the black sheep,
No children, wives or weddings, no responsibility
The world’s my pearl-filled oyster, life’s a daily bacchanal
So merry fucking xmas to you bastards, one and all

Rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 13:45, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

The metre! The rhyme!
Fucking delightful, Baz.
( thealternativefact, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:03, Reply)

I don't believe it for a minute.
Now what have you bought your mammy?
( girlinthehole, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:05, Reply)

im replacing their shower unit
cos they're too mean to pay for a new one even though their's is shit.

Nothing says "I love you, Ma" like a power shower.




Once ninja'd.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:10, Reply)

I
like the third stanza particularly!
( ascorbate, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Absolutely brilliant
But when people write "xmas" instead of "christmas" it makes me want to eat my own kneecaps. It's still a two syllable word, so why not write it out in full?

That's not an attack on you specifically though. Great poem!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:54, Reply)

I do it to negate the Christ bit
not laziness.

Honest!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Understood.
No worries. As I said, it's not a personal attack on you. It annoys me when people do it so they can write 4 letters instead of 9.

Edit: having said that, Christmas is all about Christ though, so negating it seems a bit pointless to me.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:03, Reply)

I couldnt really give a fuck about the God bit
I like the greed and gluttony.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:08, Reply)