I've done the thing of writing something to someone on msn and pretending it was to the wrong person
EG,

Me: "God, hasn't so and so got the loveliest norks?"
So and so: "What!?"
Me: "Shit, wrong conversation" *lie lie lie*
So and so: "Thankyou for the nork related comment"

Not quite like that, but you get the picture.. i think it was more of a "i still fancy so and so" knowing she did too, but not wanting to directly say it.

Meh.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:57, Reply)

shit
I've just send my wife an email with a boring story about texting an ex-girlfriend by mistake.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:56, Reply)

.
Yeah sweetie, I'm just going to have a quick look on this shite website full of people who have nothing better to do but make shite pictures and think they're all so clever 'cause they know how to use photoshop. Christ what a lot of back slapping, self-important, arse licking wankers. ooohh a picture of a kitten with someone elses face how fucking funny. ohh stephen gerrard is a" scouser so the policeman thought he stole the cup, how funny. Oh some foreign name sounds like something rude in english, you know shit we used to laugh at in primary school. And there's some guy who always tries to make up surreal stories as an answer for something called QOTW, and they really are completely fucking boring, not to mention some cunt called Rob Manuel, who seems to spend all his time looking at porn then making crap games with it, MY GOD can't these sad tosser loosers get a life, oooh my Girlfriends parents saw me naked, doesn't interesting stuff happen to me. CHrist talk about computer geeks.
Anyway, I'll pick up a pizza on the way home, can we play that you game tonight, you dress up as darth vader and I'll piss myself like a naughty boy, now I've got bonner, how I love your fat arse.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:54, Reply)

texting
there is a scrawny weirdo where i work whom we shall call anorexic twatfeatures ("AT"). that is not her name but it ought to be. she spends her life talking about herself to anyone who will listen and the most common theme is how much she mings, how fat she is and how she hasn't had sex for eight years [how is that possible?]. she would perhaps have a chance of getting it if she didn't pin innocent men to the wall and scream the above facts in their faces within the first 2 minutes of meeting them. seriously.

anyway. the other night we were all out and we were all gobsmacked to watch AT sticking her tongue down the throat of some reasonably conscious man. in shock, i picked up my mobile to text a colleague: OH MY GOD YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE, AT JUST GOT HER FIRST SNOG. HE IS SUCKING OUT THE COBWEBS.

three guesses who i sent it to...

serves me right for being a total cow i suppose!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:49, Reply)

On purpose, but bad.
Back in the day when e-mail was a new thing, and idiotproofing was young, some frog (Yankish: French person or Yuurope-eean) decided to e-mail his (multinational) company with a joke.

Apparently the 'send' list generated by the server was 2.5MBish... Needless to say, more than enough to crash a server (or install a game on at the time).
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Thu 26 May 2005, 14:34, Reply)

The problem with surfing the net at work
is when you accidentally copy/paste a customers name, address and telephone number on a message board.


Which I've done a couple of times...
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:29, Reply)

cocking up good and proper.
With a mum who's an elder in the local Church, but hasn't quite mastered technology it falls to yours truly to do her email by proxy on the occaisions she needs it.

Was all going swimmingly well till the other day when a message that was supposed to go to the girlfriend instead went to the Minister. Although it could have been much worse seeing as it was not as dodgy as it could have been.
(randy the gnome, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:23, Reply)

Not really my faux pas ...
I had been exchanging emails that definitely found their way into the "flirty" territory with a girl at work for a month or two. She was engaged to someone that wasn't me.

I happen to be moving to a new job, and on my last day I had arranged with a few colleagues to go out for beers post-work. During the course of our daily email exchange I asked her if she was going to be wearing her party frock for the evenings celebrations.

She then asked me what I'd like her to wear(!). So I sent quite a detailed message back with a breakdown of what I think she'd she attire herself in that evening. First line of the next email she sent back reads "I didn't mean underwear cheeky!".

Next thing I know, I get an email from one of the managers who I shall simply call Dan, because that's his name. This message reads "Class!". Below this follows our whole days conversation, including various musing about staff members smelling of wee and all sorts. Lest we forget a good six hours worth of innuendo and general inappropriateness. I open up the offending message and find out the dopey bint has also copied it to one of the directors also named "Dan". Who's a christian.

Apparently, someone called her while she was composing this email and asked her for Director Dan's email - she typed this into the CC bar and first entry is manager Dan. She then types in Dan again and gets the correct entry, relays this to the guy on the phone and doesn't bother deleting them from the CC field.

Kind of glad that was my last day really.

PS. I certainly did engage (er, wrong word) in some extra-curricular activities with her that evening too. Bonus.
( christopher, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:21, Reply)

MMORPG's
on several occassions, a comment regarding the lackluster performance of a particular member of the team have been directed to the teamchat frequency rather than the personal message to a friend one. or in other words :

"here, whats up with eejit in question? is he some sort of fucktard or what?"

therefore, the onosecond comes when i see my message appear in the wrong colour.

dont care if he's no longer speaking to me, as you might have guessed, he's a fucktard.
( MBar And now back to your regularily scheduled lurking., Thu 26 May 2005, 14:19, Reply)

nightmare
I was 3 months into my new job and like everyone else was getting fed up of the office know it all. One day an email arrived in my inbox from another colleague slagging him off to which I replied 'Yeah Ben is a c!*t' and for some unknown reason I added him to the recipient list. Then another colleague pointed this out. Fortunately Ben was late for work so a mad dash to see the IT chap was in order to delete the offending email. As I got into the lift, Ben was getting out. I had little time. The IT chap thought it was hilarious and proceeded to remove the email quite quickly. As I got back to my desk I didn't know whether Ben had read his emails, fortunately he hadn't. I needed have bothered though, cause I called him a c*!t to his face a week later.
(Celtican is 10! Old school or what?, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:19, Reply)

troubles with other girls dads
i had a great friend and she was leaving my uni and going back to america. she sent me and email saying how she'd miss me. and all.

i sent her another email saying about all the "great" fun we'd had. all that sorta stuff.

after i sent the email i noticed a second name in the recipiants of her email. i thought nothin of it. a day later i got an abusive email from her DAD and she hasnt sent me another email since.
( faultykyle, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:10, Reply)

upper class spam
One time an engineer was in testing a new exchange implementation & the decided to send a test email to the usual test mailbox. unfortunately he decided to send a one word mail consisting of the word "tosser" & rather than hitting the test mailbox instead spammed a list of charitable donors (many of who were titled or minor royals).

needless to say a quick retraction was sent & the offending engineer ushered out of the door quick smart.
(funkenstein Be pure! Be vigilant! Behave!, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Poor Mum ....
I changed my mum's auto-correct options on Microsoft Word from the name of the school she worked at to 'The Weird School.' (It was a weird school though - all the rejects from the good school next door went there.) So anywho, Mum emails this document to the headmistress of 'The Weird School' and got bollocked the next day.

Naturally, she wasn't the only one who got yelled at that day ...
(Ginger Hobbit, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:03, Reply)

My old uni friend
My old Uni mate works is contracted on a web learning project for the Met police based at their HQ in Hendon. He's always been on the ball when it comes to "finding" and downloading things on the Internet so when I needed some new software he was the first person i thought of. Now when we were at work we'd talk a lot via email so rather than add his address to my contacts I’d just hit reply to the latest message.
This seemed floorless except that the new software idea didn't come to me at work, it came to me at home. Not knowing his address, i thought I’d take a stab at it... I mean I know his name and i know the contract companies name, so I know it ends in "contractcompany".com. Perfect. Only i forgot the dot after his first initial and (as was the way) my email asking if he could copy the software and stick some porn on the CD to fill the space up was filtered through the met police mail system to the director in charge of the contractors... Who happened to be a proper chief copper and not a civilian!!!

Fortunately he had a sense of humour and combined with my mates hails of ignorance to who i was meant he got off with it. Needless to say i'm encouraged to email only his yahoo account now. Still the advent of Gmail should prevent any similar mistakes... or will it?
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:01, Reply)

Does IRC count?
One of the IRC channels I frequent has a quote bot - someone says something funny, it gets added, and the bot will quote you at random times. Including when you first join the channel - it picks a random quote containing your nick. One of our regulars is known as a drama queen. One night, we were messing about, and I said something along the lines of "Oh no! I'm turning into *drama queen*". Some bright spark adds it to the quote bot - complete with my nick at the front. We laugh and forget it.

Until six months later when that's the quote picked by the quote bot to use when she joined. That one took some explaining!

I'd apologise for length, but I'm a girl, so that would be odd.
(krytenk, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:55, Reply)

September 17th, 2001
A friend of mine had sent a huge group email, just after the September 11th awfulness, just a general hi-how-are-you-all message.

I knew about 8 people on the email list, so thought I would share a reasonably funny September 11 joke.

I knew none of them would be offended. Wasn't trying to make light of anything, it's the way people cope sometimes...

So I typed my stuff.

Did I remember to edit the list of recipients?

Did I arse.

Sent it to 30 people.

20 of whom lived in New York.

Oh fucking hell.

As soon as I hit send I had that horrible, horrible feeling like I had just - well, hit send, with no hope of undoing the damage...



Still feel terrible.

Joke +was+ funny, though.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:55, Reply)

Dear Grouphug
I'm more excited about the upcoming release of World of Warcraft than.. anything else in my life.

And I like that.

I hate people who smoke. I want to punch them in the face so they will swallow their burning cigarette.

every time i drink i end up having sex with an ugly fat girl. i'm going to a party tomorrow. i'm drinking. hopefully she's not as fat this time. ugly you can block out. fat stays. god i need a smoke.


every time my mother calls i get depressed.
its like i don't even want to talk to her.
i can't think of anything to say to her.
she worries about me way too much, and this bothers me.

but i love my mommy

Everyone thinks I'm strong but I'm really not. The only people who realize how weak I am are my parents, my best friend, and my ex-boyfriends. Everytime someone gives me the silent treatment or cuts off their support, I totally flip out to the point of suicidal thoughts, just because I can't fathom how anyone would willingly throw someone like myself back into the deep-end that is my internal monologue.

today after I sold stolen office supplies from the the job..... i took a shit and didnt flush then let my second cousin (that I have sex with) eat my ass


I feel bad cause he kissed my mom right after

I have cheated on my wife three times. Once with an 18 year old and once with a 40 year old and once with someone my age. I have uncontrollable urges sometimes and love to be desired by other women. I guess it is more of just liking the attention I get. The 40yr old was the best of the 3. I feel bad sometimes but still want more. Am I just a normal man or someone who cannot control my sexual urges? I am sorry...

I like to make fun of the people who confess on this site....they are funny.:) hehehe...oh wait...i am confessing myself. lol. I guess i am funny too!!!

I killed a police officer When he pulled me over for a trafic stop, I was in a stolen car and made a clean get away. But latley I have been feeling a lot of guilt over it but then I laugh and laugh and laugh at that god damn pig

When I was 13, me and one of my good friends jerked eachother off for days on end. We wernt gay, nor are we today. But we never spoke about it agian.

EDIT: FUCK !!
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Interview
not me but a friend had an interview at Sony (we're in the games industry) as the company we were working for was going down like a hooker with a member of parliament.

He has a habit of going off on one and he told himself that he wasn't going to do it this time. So in the interview all is going well until they ask what games he liked on the PS2, he rattles off a list and then gets to a game called the Getaway (which was a POS), he goes off on one, telling the interviewers that it was rubbish and that the people that made it should be hunted down by dogs with blunt teeth etc.

The interview ends, he's obviously mucked up.

Week later gets a second interview with different people.

Does the same thing that he did with the Getaway, cept a different game.

The lesson is praise the company that you want to work for, you can see no fault in anything that they do and you love them even if they do kill fluffy creatures and main small children for fun.

(Appol for length but not the girth)
(ntmb, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:44, Reply)

a lad i know
sent one of those pop up network messages to his mate saying he had an 'arsehole like the back of batmans car' after a curry/beer eveing they'd had the previous night. as his mate was doing a big powerpoint presentation to the head honchos of the company.
(hazey, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:43, Reply)

Yet another one...
My friend and i are always sending each other stupid emails typically insulting one another. And one day he sent me an email with an insult so i replied,
"Shut the fuck up you cock-knocker!" (or something like it)
but it was only till after i had hit [send] did i realise that he had sent this email from his group mailing list address. So now, all 20odd people in his department recieved this email. He thought it was hilarious and thankfully so did his boss. *phew*
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:41, Reply)

Preventative measures
I've also been more wary as a result of the problems we've seen on this thread!

I work for a football club, so I have saved all the players under "Player - Players Name" so that ones called Joe dont get messages for girls called Jo, etc.

Saved much embarrassment!

EDIT: And another one - although this was a real life one during my Oxford entrance interviews.

Had a tough interview and panned the fella off when we had evening drinks. Moaning about him and calling him all sorts, then found out he was on the table behind us in the pub. I didnt get in!
(reefus-, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:40, Reply)

Was on a call to tech support...
trying to get a spectrophotometer fixed, and the guy on the other end of the phone was being a bit of a fucktard, slow, sounding like he'd just got out of bed.

Fellow lab member says "what's the hold up?"

I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and reply "this guy's really slow, he sounds like a complete fucking bozo!"

Cue response from the other end of the phone... "no sir, I think you'll find I am not a bozo, and you'd better look somewhere else for technical support". Clink... Brrrr... If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again...
( BamaSS, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:38, Reply)

That reminds me
ScaryDucks story reminds me - I once worked for a large US bank and was briefly (very briefly) involved in coding something or other using the Netware APIs (can't for the life of me think what now).

Anyway, I ended up sending an (innocuous) message to the entire 3000 strong site. It popped up on my PC, thought nothing of it until I heard the 'ping' message noise spreading around the floor, followed by a cry from one of the more senior members of staff "Spidge? who the bloody hell's spidge?"

Took some explaining that one, fortunately my boss of the moment got me out of it, and the project was swiftly canned until a proper development environment was established (never, as far as I know).

There's probably someone here who remembers that. It was a B3ta sort of department.
(Spidge New sig needed, donations gratefully accepted., Thu 26 May 2005, 13:36, Reply)

Not one of mine but....
....from this office several months ago. A girl and a bloke were involved in a heavy email debate about what female clothing he should be wearing on Red Nose Day. All very amusing we thought until this email hit our screens:
It would be really helpful if I was taken off the round robin emails.Thanks

From the Chairman. Red faces let alone red noses.
(tell me about the rabbits, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Repressed.....
...Fucksocks, the recesses of my pickled brain just dredged this one up...

5 years ago I was working for the IT department of a large bank, that rhymes with WatNest. I had handed my notice in, and the day before my actual last day was my leaving do. It had started steady, but eventually descended into drunken revelry of epic proportions, most of which I still don't remember to this day.

Last day rolls around, and I stagger in, late. First person I see is Ed, a good mate of mine who runs over (also hungover) but giggling. "come and listen to this!!!" and he replays the Office customer answerphone. The message is very, very distorted, and the music in the background obscures the callers voice, which just sounds like random yelling.

Thank Fcuk.

Only then, did I get a flashback of me, roaringly pissed, ringing the office to tell them all that they are a bunch of twunts, and I'm glad to be out of the fcuking place.

I knew it was me. Ed did too, as he was there. Thankfully the Assistant Manager who first heard it didn't have a clue.
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Thu 26 May 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Onosecond
Not strictly relevant but still funny...
An old friend, who we'll call "John", used to work in telephone sales, drawing the evening/night shift. He likes his porn so when his cousin phoned him asking if he'd like a selection of Amsterdam's finest, he replied "Bring it on!". Now this company didn't have e-mail at the time but did have colour faxes so John supplied his cousin the fax number and the pages came rolling in. Unbeknownst to him the fax lines were networked to three devices: his, sales... and the managing director's desk.
John had the following conversation first thing in the morning:
"John"
"Yes?"
"The fax..."
"Err... yes...?"
"You're fired".
Here we have time travel: one Onosecond lasting until the morning
(DustyD, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

A couple really...
Sent a text that was supposed to go to a "conquest" telling I'd had a wonderful time last night to a friend. Was embarrassing, but the legend of my wonderful night had soon spread.

The best one was where I was sat on the loo and could hear a distant voice saying "hello, hello?"

Turns out that, whilst I was taking a dump, I'd accidentally phoned an ex who I'd just... well, dumped!

To say she wasnt impressed was a bit of an understatement, but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!
(reefus-, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:32, Reply)

Computer operator
We suffered a major system crash, and spent several hours running round swearing until the monster was fixed.

Boss sticks his head round the door and says "Scary - do us a favour - send an on-screen message to all users to let 'em know the computer's no longer fucked."

So I did.

"ALL USERS: COMPUTER NO LONGER FUCKED"

We laughed.

Then, I dropped my coffee mug. It landed on the Enter key.

Our network had several hundred users in many varied locations round the world.

I was no longer one of them.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:29, Reply)

Email Near-Miss
A while ago at work I was managing a rather high-profile project. One of our number - usually a really sound girl and rather a good mate - suddenly started sending narky, demanding emails to our IT department.

My IT person forwarded me one of the emails with the comment "Why is she being such a fucking useless bitch?"

I replied in a similar vein, but god-knows-bloody-well-how, copied her in.

Fuck.

As soon as I hit send, I knew. I knew.

I had to run upstairs, tell her that one of her staff was in the toilet, lying on the floor unconscious (lie!)

Before I got anywhere near her desk, she emerges, seeing nobody was in the Ladies.

Had to then crawl commando-style across the floor to unplug her PC and hide under her desk for 15 minutes while they were discussing why I had fibbed about the unconscious person in the loo.
( Strangey is present at, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:26, Reply)