when gaydar goes wrong
I went through a phase of fancying gay guys, before I worked out that I did, in fact, have gaydar and more importantly, could use it. One of these was a lad we shall call Mark, who I met during RAG week in my second year of uni and subsequently decided I fancied. We swapped numbers and occasionally saw each other around, stopped to chat and so forth. One morning while waiting outside a lecture I texted him asking if he fancied meeting up that evening for a beer. His reply: "Sorry, but I'm going out with Pride this evening, can we make it another day?" 'Pride,' said my brain. 'As in Gay Pride. Bugger and wank...'
I texted my friend Jo to tell her of my misfortune. "It's happened again... 'My' fresher has turned out to be gay!" Except I didn't send it to Jo, did I? Oh no.
(surreal barmaid, Sun 29 May 2005, 3:22, Reply)

Quickie
I made a buncha new distribution lists at work. Some for managers, some for non-managers. Got sent a confidential document to go to managers - guess who I sent it to by mistake? Confidential no more, to say the least.
( Jalu, Sun 29 May 2005, 2:20, Reply)

long one this one
So I once contacted a PR company (being a journo type) and accidentally told the boss something one of his subordinate PR bods told me in confidence. I then panic and send a text to the PR bod in question to give her the heads up before her boss roasts her. Only problem is that the number she gave me to text is his phone too...gutted. Never heard from the PR company again - maybe I shouldn't have made fun of the boss in my text.
( Jalu, Sun 29 May 2005, 2:15, Reply)

Late night drunkeness
A friend of mine is still hopelessly and totally in love with his ex, who he dumped 4 years ago during a period of mental instability. Whenever he gets drunk he texts her trying to apologise and attempting to tell her how much he loves her. These are always followed the following day by him apologising and telling her it was his drunken mates sending random messages to people in his phone. Don't know if she belives him or not, but when he gets to the point of wanting to text her he makes sure one of us confiscates his phone and makes sure he doesn't text her. hasn't stopped us texting sauciness to his mother from his phone tho! He He!

btw I know this isn't funny, but unfortinatly there's situations in life that aren't, and this example is one of them!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 29 May 2005, 0:09, Reply)

Silly me
I once sent an email, text and photo to the wrong people ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Fuck me that was a bad day.
( Fictional Emma, Sat 28 May 2005, 22:26, Reply)

Oooh, mildly amusing
coupla months ago, I was out at a student union bar for the first time in YEARS, at my GF's birthday parté. Discovered the joy of snakebite and black. Sent my mate matthew a text along the lines of: "Arite, I'm in the uni bar at brum. I've found a new drink, and I'm fucking cunted! HA HA HA! Been promised dirty bum sex tonight too. Whaaey!"

Send: Maffhew?
Send: Mum & dad (home)

You guess.,..
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:51, Reply)

wrong person
i think, and im hoping, like most people, if im bitching about someone in a text i always manage to send it to the person im talking about, so far, with a few white lies, ive managed to avoid any nastiness between me and whoever but im thinking one of these days im not gonna be so lucky
(hey sunshiney day, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:37, Reply)

So lonely...
The day after I'd left the (now ex)wife (her fault - slag. Anyway...) I sent one of my mate's a text thusly: "Of course I'm leaving her. Fuck me, I've been waiting for an oppotunity like this for months. It's fantastic. I'm off to the football this avo, then down south to see one of my exes after. ;) Fucking winner!"

I'll leave you to guess who I sent it to accidentally...
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:36, Reply)

Once I switched on the jingle on my ice-cream van
when I didn't have any ice cream. My onosecond came when I realised the terrible act I had commited. Even though I switched it off as soon as possible, people are still talking about it to this day!








I am a comedy genius*


*0% of fact
( giant_squid, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:35, Reply)

How ever far away, I will always love you...
Bout a year ago, being incredcibly busy at work, and not able to browse b3ta (before I found a way round the firewall), I wrote some amuing song-lyrics to pass the day, and sent them to my mate Maffew. Alas, I sent them erroneously to the wife. (now ex).

The first one started with the inspiring couplets:

"I'd rather smoke, than shag my lass,
It's quicker, more exciting and it don't make me cut the grass"

She failed to appreciate the genius. Obviously, it wasn't about her, it was a hypothetical song-writing imaginary lass. Honest.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:26, Reply)

Double-Dumped
My sister once had a boyfriend, who was madly in love with her. She didn't feel it was working out, so she finished it. The guy was a shadow of his former self.
Unfortunately, a few days later, my sister's phone malfunctioned and started re-sending text messages from a few weeks previously. It sent a few to him, explaining that she loved him, etc.
Hours later, he was round the house with chocolates and flowers. (Obviously a bit desperate, but still)
She made me go out to the poor guy and explain the situation, he burst into tears. I never felt so uncomfortable as at that moment. But I managed to persuade him to let me have the chocolates. So, every cloud..
(UW`, Sat 28 May 2005, 18:20, Reply)

OMFG rolf etc etc
I'm forever doing this sort of thing when I'm pissed, have a nasty habit of sending pictures of my penis to people I really shouldn't. Posted one on my b3ta profile lastweek, remembered about it a few days later, and managed to delete it without any funny comments coming my way, tell you what, howabout I put one on here!
Nah!
( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Sat 28 May 2005, 17:47, Reply)

Ha ha its all girl related
Once after knowing a girl for about two years i asked her out, bad mistake "I only see us as friends" she said, naturally as a man i was unable to deal with this remark and took it upon myself to hate her.

Cue me finding an awesome description on Urban Dictionary of the phrase "lets just be friends" and when i come to send it to my friend who would appreciate the joke i click the only person i didnt want to send it to ever, her.

She sent me one back with the definition for 'loser', gotta admit, it was pretty accurate too

Edit: Just got permission off my freind to use this one,

At Uni my friend who i shall name 'Alan Davis' was trying hard as he could to get with this girl i shall call 'Vicky.'

He was successfull and after a night of groping, fellating and mutual masterbation (apparantly) he feels the need to text me the details of his escapades stating "Why does she need to wank me off, i can do that and with better results, all in all she was shit" of course he didnt send this to me, why would he? Captain spaz manages to send it to the girl that just left his room not more than ten minutes ago.

She hates him still
(Jenovaschild, Sat 28 May 2005, 16:08, Reply)

I was in work one afternoon
when I got hit with a bout of cystitis. Not a pleasant thing for us girlies, and I was in crippling pain.

My boss agreed to send me hom, and I sent a text message to my then boyfriend telling him 'I'm on my way home, got cystitis, everyone in work now thinks you are some kind of superstud and that we were at it like bunnies on viagra last night. Can you nip out and get me some cranberry juice?'

When I got home, there was no cranberry juice and the boyf was quite surprised to see me. Apparently he hadn't got my message. 'No problem' I thought, 'it'll probably get delivered later or something'.

About an hour later I got a phone call off a strange bloke, asking me how I was feeling. I'd got a digit wrong in my boyfriends number and the message had gone to this poor man. Apparently his girlfriend was not amused, but his mates thought he was some kind of wench magnet.

He thanked me for improving his reputation, and hoped I got better soon. I blushed purple, stammered a sorry down the phone, and tried to hide under a cushion.

Needless to say everyone else found this hilarious.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Sat 28 May 2005, 16:00, Reply)

Oops.
My supervisor asked me to put together an e-mail distribution list for some minutes to be sent out to all the commanding officers, union officials and various other big wigs and team members at my organisation.

I'd completed putting the list together and was waiting for the super to return from her fag break before hitting send. So for a laugh I decided to put "this system is a load of bollocks" in the subject title a few times and then copy and paste it using Ctrl C and Ctrl V into the body of the message a few hundred times so the super could have a good laugh at how big and clever I was.

As I had no intention of sending the e-mail I decided to save the message and in a moment of clarity went and pushed what I thought was the save shortcut. I was plesently surprised when greeted with several "read" notifications. Everything started to black out behind my eyes and my stomach started its spin cycle as my boss, his boss, his boss and pretty much ever head of section in the business started opening there e-mails.

fight or flights great when it kicks in and you just sit there shitting yourself...no bonus for me that year then.
(Wadey, Sat 28 May 2005, 15:57, Reply)

Citrix Fun
Place I used to work in Sydney had four Citrix servers. The sysadmin was showing me through some admin tasks, and we had Server Manager open on my Citrix session, showing who was logged in to that server. I right clicked a session to see what options I had, one of them was to send a pop up message to the user. That'll be fun, I thought, so typed in "You're a dickhead!" and sent it to the sysadmin.

Imagine my pleasure when the message also popped up in my session on that server. And in the session of the bloke sitting next to me. And in the session of everyone who was logged in to that server.

Quick scan of who's logged into that server reveals the State Manager, and a couple of other big wigs. The sysadmin and I kept schtum about it when people asked about it. Could have got in a bit of trouble over that.
(Pleiades, Sat 28 May 2005, 15:49, Reply)

GF trouble!
I had just been dumped! It was nasty; I was gutted, cut up, crying like the new-age sensitive man I am! However I dealt with it in the only way that any man can, I got drunk! For a month!

It was starting to get better and I took the decision to get my feeling off my chest to my ex, so I meet up with her and let rip! A tirade of abuse came from my mouth, HOW CAN YOU HAVE DONE THIS? WEREN'T WE HAPPY? WTF? I miss you, blah blah! I don't know where it came from, but she started to cry! This gave me some satisfaction. So I felt I deserved yet another pint!

I went to the pub, got drunk and hooked up with my now girlfriend, and got dragged willingly back to her flat. We started getting down to it and finally she pulled me onto her bed and clothes got thrown everywhere!

The next morning, I wake up, go outside for a cigarette and decide to phone a mate and brag about the fact I had just nailed our fantasy woman, but when I press the redial button (as he was the last call I made) his number doesn't come up. In fact my ex's does! I frantically check the details of the call. SHIT! Turns out she was still on speed dial and it must have got pressed in the throws of passion the night before! To make matters worse, either she listened to it for 15mins or it must have gone to answer phone for her to listen to it over and over again!
(enig-mat-ic!, Sat 28 May 2005, 13:13, Reply)

Ah the delights of mobile phones...
About a year ago I came down with this weird problem whereby my hands would swell up and I'd get weird blemishes all over me. Stupid cunting doctors never figured it out but had a good laugh trying.

So anyway, after visiting said doctor one evening I awaited the bus home. On the bus I decided to text (now ex) girlfriend to let her know that it was probably nothing serious. I of course assumed that she already knew what I was on about so my hasty message read something like:

'Hi just been to docs, apparently the swelling's viral, got some pills talk later xx'

Message sent.

Wait... did I just send that to... ROB?! Why the fuck did the stupid phone send my message about some viral swelling to my mate?! (My fault, but its great blaming technology)

Cue reply of:

'wtf?'

Ah... we did laugh about it when I fully explained to him what had happened.

Apologies for (lack of) length, its hereditary.
(Timmah, Sat 28 May 2005, 12:54, Reply)

stupid network printers
saturday overtime, someone asked me to print off the pic of a woman pleasuring a horse i've been sent (why did i get sent that? i didn't ask for these things, lord save me from these things). press print. print icon comes up, nothing comes out of the printer. oh no, where's it gone? it's gone *somewhere*, searched the office floor, but we've got offices all over the place. someone got a pleasant surprise monday morning.

i do have a killer onosecond story, but i need a new username to tell it.
(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Sat 28 May 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Ha yes....
A few days ago my high-brow toffee nosed granny was up. I got left in my kitchen with her and my yorkshire terrier. She was sitting there yapping at some vase or something (my dog that is, not the grandmother) while I was getting the tea so I shouted over to my gran "Will you cunt that dog in the fuck!"
Oh shit. Oh shitty shitting shit.
I turned to her and she was sitting there completely gobsmaked. So to make it all better I said "Er.......please?" Hmmm there's one will I'm being taken off...
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Sat 28 May 2005, 11:50, Reply)

Girl Scouts
I was in Girl Scouts for 9 years. Though quite enjoyable, I didn't really care about it (I only knew the names of about 7 girls out of about nearly 40, and 3 of them were named "Lauren").

I finished up my Scouting carrer by getting the Gold Award, which is the equivalent of the Boy Scout's Eagle Scout Award, although any Eagle scout will tell you that what the Girls do is nothing compared to what they have to go through (the Girls don't have to sit through a test/interrogation, among other trials, to prove they're worthy of the Award).

Anyway, during freshman year of college I continue to get emails from the scout troop, which I ignored. One day, someone sent a rather scathing email telling them to "stop sending me these goddamn fecking emails!" - in pastel pink letters, no less.

I used the oppertunity to "piggyback" this girl's email to send a mean-spirited letter of my own, telling the troop that I "paid my dues so stop bothering me!" amongst other angry rant-y things - in hindsight I think think it sounded like I wrote it during a drunken/high rage - and send a note of appriciation to who I thought was another anti-social ex-girl scout. I was so high on getting this off my chest that I didn't even care about the consequences of pressing the send button.

Imagine my surprise when the girl wrote back saying "I'm not in girl scouts." Apparently she just kept getting the troop's emails by mistake.

I spent a good deal of time deeply fearing that I had offended one of the leaders enough for them to take away my Award (which had been a great boost in getting me into college in the first place). Fortunately, the only thing that happened was I got taken off the Troop's mailing list, so result! as the elder and wiser b3tans say....
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sat 28 May 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Well, this semi-counts
Around the time the last World Cup was on, I was talking to my girlfriend on MSN and we both happened to be in a certain mood (not because of the football, though. That would be a bit odd.) So I fire up my webcam and have been happily fwapping away for several minutes when I suddenly remember that I'd also had my webcam open for a 22 year old Belgian bloke, and forgotten to close it. Fucksocks.
(The Worminator I have discovered that Quavers are nice, Sat 28 May 2005, 10:03, Reply)

more fun with goatse!
As mentioned in....some other QoTW a couple weeks ago, my goatse incident:

Deciding to take revenge on my mate for stealing my bird, I hopped over to his school computer when he wandered off somewhere, and sent the link to goatse in a global email. Roughly 600 pupils, and about 50 teachers.

The second I clicked send I thought 'shitshitshit' realising that he'd know it was me, he would TELL everyone it was me, and I was royally fucked.

In the end I only got suspended for a day and despised by most the teaching staff until the day I left.

And she dumped him.

Ha.
(sporky, Sat 28 May 2005, 9:37, Reply)

So i was talking to my other half's dad in a threeway conversation on messanger
at the same time was talking to said other half in a seperate matter, looking at things on anne summer's website and asking his opinion. The onosecond happened when i accidentally pasted a link to a rubber nurse's outfit..in the wrong window....luckily he laughed about it and continues to remind me of it to this day :(

also i once sent my bf's mom a dirty text by mistake..she doesnt have my number so she just thought it was a random freak.

i'm not too good on the parents front as you can see :(
(Sparkypinkguitar, Sat 28 May 2005, 8:12, Reply)

Promise of pain :(
Not a text/email but an onosecond moment...

Had been frying supreme fatty foodstuffs in pan that was now filling with oil (due to value nature of supreme foodstuffs).

Thought "better wash this" so whisk pan to sink. Hilariously due to glutton-based brain imperative whisk FAR too quickly and simmering oil slops across whole top of thumb.

Instant onosecond as I realise what's absolutely and very definitely just happened but *before* nerve signals reach brain to deliver mind-shattering blast of searing pain.

Hand under cold tap for 20 mins...

Dull throbbing for days? Oui. HUGE leathery blister? Aye. Worried chunk of skin would fall off revealing bare bone? Yes.

I had to clean the bastard wall too as the reflex response sent all the oil flying.

And my dinner was cold.
(BouncingAyatollah, Sat 28 May 2005, 6:55, Reply)

teh blokes surely know that...

when a girl is sucks your lovebone and just the second you are going to squirt your man juice into her throat they look up to you and ask you summing like: "do you like that?" and she get's it on the chin.

the feeling of stopping stimulation while ejaculating is definitely a onosecond.

or am i the only one?
( bierbelly, Sat 28 May 2005, 0:23, Reply)

Theatrical No-show...
Whilst working at a certain theatre here in MK, my boss was a bit of a twat. Self obsessed coke-head who was as gay as a window. He was a he-bitch.

Anyway, i decided to do a b3ta-style photoshop of his uber-tanned head on top of a bloke fucking a goat, all formatted to look like an 'offical' theatre program with the title of "Animal Farm: The Musical".

I emailed it to my mate on the stage door... or what i thought was the stage-door email inbox. Turns out it was the general enquires inbox, and thus ended up in the hands of the management.

Exit stage left....
(Colostomy Bag Explosion Lubing the gears of commercialism, Fri 27 May 2005, 22:59, Reply)

Well, not actually me
but an unfortunate friend called Mo - and it sorta fits the exact onosecond definition...

Mo used to work on a helpdesk shift rota, as he came towards the end of one of his late shifts he got an email from someone who required some assistance. Being tired and bleary (and a lazy shit to boot) Mo decided to forward the request to the poor sap who was about to start the next shift. Not wishing to appear totally uninterested, Mo added a few unhelpful lines of text and commented that this customer signed off his email with the word "Peace". "Maybe", mused Mo, "This twat thinks he's a nigger".

Oh Mo. Poor Mo, he could have died, if only he forwarded, instead of replied.

Bye Mo.
( Touching_Cloth, Fri 27 May 2005, 22:38, Reply)

new email account
When I set up my yahoo account a few years back, it asked me what name I would like it to use to welcome me to each session. As a joke to myself, I chose 'You Bugger'. Anyway, I wanted to let all my contacts know I'd changed from hotmail. It was then that I realised that You Bugger would appear in their inboxes as the name of the sender. Big deal, my mates wouldn't care. But would my solicitor mind?
(OnionTerror is a bag full of sick, Fri 27 May 2005, 22:20, Reply)

Ah, the onosecond - I thought it was just making yourself look a twat...
Done the winpopup thing at school years back - to the entire network: "You're all gay".
I'm sure the uber-conservative headmistress wasn't chuffed about that.

There'll be the time I was working down south as an engineer for a rather large pharmaceutical company, when after a particularly torrid day in the manufacturing plant, started to mouth off to my boss about 'how all the jobsworths down that f**king excuse for a production line need to get themselves a brain transplant'. Not clever in an open-plan office, and especially not clever when you've just remember the plant manager has just moved into the office cubicle behind you?

I left soon afterwards.

No apologies for length, girth, or otherwise. I'm almost proud.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 27 May 2005, 22:16, Reply)