Rrrrrrrhoids
It seems that hemorrhoids haven't been mentioned here and I intend to rectify(?) that.

After visiting the bum doctor, who had absolutely no sense of humour and upon being rolled into the fetal postion with his finger up the date I tried to take the edge of the humility by telling him I was being 'alien probed', but no laughs there, just a little deeper digging in the pit. Anyway, they are painful and I could only deposit the dung by actually squatting on the toilet with my feet balancing precariously on the seat, knees clasped by my sweaty palms and hoping that package would shoot out like a brown torpedo.

The pain only came from losing my balance after flushing and falling headfirst into the hand basin, whilst my ankle twisted after sliding down the side of the china. Lumps on my forehead and lumps on the clacker are a lovely matching pair.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 23:55, 9 replies)

Anal fissures
are another extremely painful botty problem. Cracks in the lining of you rectum. Fuck knows how I got them - no not from boy boy action - but no fun trying to have a dump or when the doc does the digital thing.
(wino.NZ The Ayatollah of rock n' rolla..., Wed 4 Aug 2010, 6:50, closed)

not enough fibre
I believe
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 8:47, closed)

Thanks Smale. It was only the once and I think I had been out in the bush too long for work - else it was the magic pain fairy who decided to whoop it up and gimme something that was new and usual to my list of painy things I have had. Fibre - I will be eating bark next time in an extended stay in the bush!
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 5:54, closed)

I think that is great. Only Kiwis can have a fissure - something where you arse matches the lovely landscape! Well done!
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 5:53, closed)

Fantastic!
Well done.

*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 8:49, closed)

No ballerina here, but I did that dance a theatre would be proud.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 5:58, closed)

Doctors
should be taught to have a sense of humour for when they have been probing anuses. When my quack checked my prostate when I had a headache or something, I quipped "I hope that was as good for you as it was for me?"
Nothing. Not a hint of a smile.
So now I have double discomfort, from having my ring probed, and from having my attempt at ice-breaking humour go down like a tear in a latex glove. Miserable bastard.
It cured my headache though.
(Rsoles, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:28, closed)

Giggles!! When I didn't get a laugh, all I could think of "Well at tleast the smell is on your finger". One must always take the high ground in deeply mortifying situations. Glad your headache got fixed up and your bum is once again tip-top.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 5:57, closed)

i'm waiting for the moment
when, next time a doctor has a finger up my chuff, to tell him normally i'd expect dinner and maybe a show first...
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 15:39, closed)