Canterbury*
*Actually a B&B about 7 miles out of town, but I had to try and make this post relevant to the question.
Back in 1998 Mrs Spicious and I decided to spend a long weekend somewhere pleasant and touristy. Having never been there, we chose Canterbury.
Now, from what we saw of it, the city itself looked quite nice. Fairly well behaved and historically interesting. However, the B&B we stayed at, well...


Firstly we got incredibly lost trying to find it in those pre-SatNav days. Eventually came across it by chance, miles from anywhere, it was a large, single storey building rooted in a sizeable grey plot of land, disparate to the pleasant countryside that surrounded it.
We parked up and walked in, the bar/reception was on the immediate right upon entering. In the bar was a guy on his own, the standard barfly 'local'. About fifty, emaciated with brandy blackened teeth and tobacco yellowed skin. He ignored us, his rheumy eyes fixed on the grubby glass of spirits in his hand. We stood at the unnatended bar for about five minutes before a woman of about the same age appeard. We told her who we were and that we had a room booked for a couple of nights. She greeted us with staged warmth and told us our room was "Being prepared"


Fair enough, I ordered two pints of lager and two large whiskys. As much as this place hadn't impressed so far, the £7.60 charge for the drinks cheered me. After one more round, we was told our room were ready. We was lead from the bar, past the outside toilet block, down a corridor of peeling beige paint and into our bedroom. Door closed we saw that our room had cobwebs covering everything - I know, even the best kept houses have cobwebs, but INSIDE the kettle and UNDER the bed?! The window originally had two curtains, only one was left so we tried to work out where the early summer sunrise would strike first and cover that half. The door to the room bore the splintered scarring of many previous locks that had been 'forcibly' removed. The room was painted in the same peeling beige as the hallway that lead to it, only with the addition of sporadic splashes of sticky 'brown'. The sink also had a charming 'tarry' quality.

"Fuck it", I thought, a bed's a bed. We decided to have another drink, so we ambled up the grim corridor and ordered at the bar. In the short time we'd been unpacking and trying to get comfortable, the place had filled with locals. It was comparable to a scene from Deliverance, only with slightly less teeth and possibly a greater threat of anal rape. I suggested that we order our drinks and have them in our room to minimise risk. (I promise you this isn't exagerated for comic effect, the place really did have that kind of menace hanging about it)

Whilst ordering our drinks, the landlady who served us earlier explained that she was the co-owner along with her husband, the soak who had ignored us when we arrived. She told us that they took turns behind the bar. Tonight she "Was working, so he'd get pissed, tommorow he was working, so it would be her turn" classy, eh? We got our drinks and started heading back to our room, when passing the toilet block we heard the co-owning husband talking loudly, trying to placate one of the locals in one of the toilet stalls:
"Larry, I'm sorry, I tried my best"
"Fuck off, Nathan"
"Please! We're mates!" (The tone was pitiful and scared, very high pitched in that fearful way)
"Cunt!" (Back before that word was fashionable)
Larry then proceeded to start landing heavy blows about Nathan's person.

Now, I'm not a brave man, but if there's one thing that brings out the small reserves of courage I do possess, it's bullies. I rapidly escorted Mrs Spicious to our room and headed back down the corridor. Returning to the toilets, I pushed the door open and found the barfly and large local who had, minutes before, been beating him embracing and pledging forgivness to each other... Fair enough. Dumb, but sorted. I went back to our room.


All was well for about two hours. We read our books (No TV in the room, no problem... for short periods) and decided to get some sleep as it was midnight and we wanted to get out early to explore the town the next day. A few minutes after I turned off the light, the people occupying the next room turned up. The sheen of brown, mucoid-like spatterings on the walls were probably the closest thing this shit-hole had to sound insulation, so for about an hour we listened to the three tragic men who had hired the two prostitutes in the next room talking loudly about what they were into. It turns out that the guy who talked loudest had fetishes for bikinis and flip-flops. We then listened to the three fellas tell the women what to do whilst they tugged off.

Don't get me wrong, I'm probably more pervy than you, and what they were doing didn't offend me at all, it's just the fact that they were so loud. Well, I AM British, damn it!

My patience ran out and in an unusal act of bravado I banged on their door a few times and, when opened, told them to keep it down a bit.

The next morning we got up and decided to have a try and wash off the ambient grime. The one shower room had a window that had been smashed, leaving anyone having a shower exposed from the pelvis up. O.K. for me, but Mrs Spicious felt a little conspicuous with her upper charms on display. Still, they're bloody fantastic, so it probably made someone's day. There was also a lovely collection of dead spiders acting as a carpet to the floor of the shower room.

For hydration purposes we chose orange juice at the bar before leaving to get the train into Canterbury and explore the city. Whilst having our fruit juices, the landlady (it was her day off, so therefore already on the G&T's) aplogised for the disturbance the night before and explained that a few locals rented it out as a brothel. Only a few minutes later the two ladies from the night before walked past in just their see-through pants, bras and lime green fishnet stockings. It was 9:30am. Gotta say though, this sight didn't offend me.

We got back about 5pm and went straight to our room. The room next to us had music playing loudly. We wanted a nap before the evening's adventures... After a couple of hours, the music hadn't shut down, so we mentioned it to the barman/co-owner/landlord (His facial bruising wasn't too severe after the toilet beating the night before) and he ambled down with us to the room. He had the master key and just before unlocking it said to himself "I hope another one hasn't died". He wasn't joking.

That evening the local biker gang had their monthly meet in the bar (We was told that they "Are O.K., they take care of their own problems. If anyone needs dealing with, they always take them off the premises.") I walked into the bar and got a few drinks for us to have in our room. The combination of bikers and 'normal' locals created a scene comparable to a fleshy, pink version of 'From Dusk 'Til Dawn' only with more ASDA shaped bodies and JD Sports clothing.
We left early the next day only to break down on a blind corner on the busiest stretch of the A3 in a car with a one star NCAP rating.
Sorry to write such a long, uninteresting story, but if anyone made it this far, I thank you for your perseverance and, if we ever meet, I will buy you a pint. :o)
Ta.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 1:03, 6 replies)

Good one
on the night that is in it.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 4:06, closed)

Blimey..
...brave you!
(Betty Spencer did a whoopsie on the carpet on, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 10:35, closed)

I'll
Have a Grolsch please
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 19:46, closed)

Fair play for putting up with it, I suppose.
I'd have left at the first mention of footwear fetishists.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 11:23, closed)

I've lived in Canterbury all my life
I have my suspicions as to where it was you stayed...but I'd love to know which village it was for sure!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 22:22, closed)

I don't remember the exact location.
I'll ask Mrs Spicious.

The worse thing about all this, the place got a glowing review in a B&B guidebook which is why we chose it.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 14:39, closed)