Psycho Ex Story #8430753948
As some might know, I spent some time being blackmailed into a relationship by the spawn of satan in female form. Amongst her long, long list of negative attributes (which will not only fuel my qotw answers for weeks to come, but also keep most of Britain's psychiatrists, and maybe exorcists, in business as well) was her spectaular mean-spirited tightness.

Back at Uni, I was in a rather successful ska-punk band, which fizzled out a bit after graduation. Come the 2005 Indian Ocean Tsunami, I picked up a copy of a tabloid only to see the face of our trumpet player staring back at me from the front cover. Yes, he was missing, presumed dead somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

I had a word with our singer and we agreed to get the band back together as a tribute to him. More than that, our singer organised a whole load of bands to play in a largeish venue in Brixton that we had hired out. Entry was £4, plus £2 if you wanted a CD with the song we had recorded (as an irreverent ska-punk tribute) to him.

When we arrived at the venue it was an absolute wreck. A wild party had been thrown the night before and the floor was covered with rubbish, and the odd patch of vomit. The staff were nowhere to be seen so we spent three hours on our hands and knees getting it into acceptable condition. A few hours later, the audience and bands started to arrive, and we busied ourselves sorting out the sound and lighting for them, as we were due on stage last.

I'd just sorted out a glitch with the PA when someone came up to me and said there was a bit of a disturbance at the door and would I be so good as to sort it out as...

...oh no...

...it was my girlfriend causing it.

Yes, psycho bitch was refusing to pay and demanding to be let in on the grounds that she was only there to see one band (mine) and that as my girlfriend she should be let in free.

To a charity gig.
That I had put my back out to help organise.
That was a tribute to someone she knew quite well.

Add to that the fact that she was unemployed and I was subbing her money, so she was refusing to pay my charitable concern with my own cash, and swearing at the bouncers I had helped recruit (they were working for free) in the process.

To avoid a scene, I paid her admission myself. I'd never been so ashamed of her, and that's saying something, seeing as she'd once thrown a bowl of chili con carne at me at a friend's party because she thought I'd got myself more cheese on top than her (getting her own fucking chili, was, of course, out of the question).

And to cap it all, I took a look in her bag while she was distracted. She'd stolen one of the CDs.

p.s. the trumpet player turned up alive and well in India, lacking any memory of the past two weeks, because he'd spent the time boozing it up in every bar in Calcutta while the British Consulate tried to sort him out a passport and a trip home - all unknown to us or his family. He's now one of the very few people who own a copy of their own posthumous tribute single.
(Axeman Jim, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 23:20, 8 replies)

Psycho Bitch.....
Should have asked the bouncers to give her a swift kick in the overies and dumped her on the kerb.

Glad your friend turned up ok.
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 23:49, closed)

^^
Totally
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 7:30, closed)

Probably easier said than done
But I agree. Would have taught the bitch a lesson just to nod at the bouncers and say, "do what you will with her" and walk away.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 8:21, closed)

You can have a click from me.
I chuckled heartily at the chili con carne story. Really cool thing to do to put on the gig, too.
(Angry Beaver, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 12:02, closed)

^ ^ All of this
That's quite some self insight she had ...
(cherrynicola, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 12:53, closed)

But she had a wazzo pair of jugs, right?
And us silly boys fall for it.

I feel for you dude.

Well done on the gig, Brixton's a hell of a venue to scrub the floor of. Have some clicks :0)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 13:05, closed)

I can't make myself care about your crazy ex,
but this gets a click purely for very last sentence. Now that's a good story!
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 14:12, closed)

I want your friends email
so I can paypal him a pint
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 19:34, closed)