1 case of reflux, a very calm doctor and an unfortunate student nurse

Years ago (before my two operations) I suffered horribly from reflux (heartburn) and indigestion, the cause was a hiatus hernia (Sciency bit - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiatus_hernia). Before I was allowed to be operated on I was told that I had to go through one final test, the medication that was finally working for me couldnt continue in teh prescribed doses but before undertaking the operation I had to go through a simple if not unpleasent experience.

The night before the test I was told not to drink or eat anything after 8pm , much like you would if you were having an operation, 500ml of water was all I could have in the period after 8pm and up to the event. Duly noted.....honest.

I arrived at the hospital (a fancy private affair thanks to my employers at the time), with my then girlfriend, now wife, with an overnight bag (24 hour test apparently) and a head full of fear.

I was sat on the bed and the very nice Doctor (Eastern European lady with a thick accent) explained the procedure to me, they would put a tube a few feet long, through my nose, down my throat and into my stomach. This would then stick to the side of my oesophogus and would measure various readings of acidity, temperature etc etc. When I have a meal, I press a button (Much like an early 1980's TV wired remote), when I fart, I press a different button, same for burping, sensation of heartburn/refulx and so on. After 24 hours all these readings would be put together and the test would be complete.....was I happy she asked....nope I replied, she shrugs her shoulders pats me on the back and tells me not to worry.

They wheel the contraption up to the side of the bed, tell me to tilt my head back and then they would begin, my girlfriend is outside the room at this moment in time, with the door shut. Said Dr gets in a student nurse, a comically camp Gok Wan lookalike and actalike, though very friendly. I take a few calming breaths and tilt my head back....the sensation of the tube going my nose was more odd than anything, I tried to concentrate on Richard and Judy on This morning which was on, but the real "fun" began when the tube hit my gag reflex, without any warning whatsoever a good few litres of brownish water gushed out spraying myself, my sick apron (that horrible plastic mac thing) my jeans, the bed and dear old Gok Wan, who proceded to sprint out of the room screaming past my bemused and concerned girlfriend. The doctor who had seen this all a hundred times no doubt, had cleverly positioned herself to the right of me and behind my head, feeding the tube in from behind me, clever girl.

In my panic at feeling like I was choking I ripped the tube out of my nose and was trying to climb off the bed. Once calmed and warned by the Dr that I should stay calm I persuaded her I wouldnt try again unless my girlfriend was allowed in....which was granted. I felt a little calmer.

The Dr now did something that confuses me a little, she arranged for me to have a cup of tea, and a biscuit, a bourbon...lovely. While I was enjoying the brew and Richard and Judy, she was telling me off for clearly drinking more than 500ml of water, I argued my innocence but was more concerned about eating that lovely biscuit, than who was right or wrong.

After about 15 minutes our hapless Nurse came back in, all refreshed, yet looking a little peeved, and we decided to try again.

I Tilt back my head and they put the tube in my nose, down it goes, hang in there son hang in there I think to myself.All was going well and eventually I felt a little wiggle inside and the doctor was happy that it was in as far as it would go. At this stage I was still looking up, the doctor was holding my head under my lip, holding my chin and was kneeling, honestly, on my right hand to stop me pulling the tube out again and damaging my soft pallet (Spelling ?). I refused to move as I had a dull ache in my stomach and insisted I had to calm down first, alas, at some point I twitched and felt the tube in my throat and my overly panicked state returned, tryng to get the tube out "sans hand" I was dry wretching and trying to break free of the "Doctors Knee"tm, then the pipe hit my gag reflex again and after 20 minutes of digestion this little brown lump of bourbon biscuit sprayed the hand of the doctor before "shotgunnning" our student nurse.....all of which I found fucking hilarious, as benny hill style his actions repeated themselves from minutes ago. The Dr mumbled something in her native tongue, wiped it clean of bourbon biscuit and agreed to take the tube out and abandon all hope of getting anywhere with the test.

Of course in my overnight bag I only had a purple pair of Phoenix suns basketball shorts, and a Transformers T-Shirt, walking down Baker Street to the tube tation dressed in that and a 3/4 length coat carrying a bin bag containing soiled jeans wasnt my finest hour, but that little bourbon biscuit being shattered into a million pieces and the look on the nurses face as he knew what was about to happen will stick with me forever.

Apologies for length.
(Smellyape liking http://www.b3ta.com/bpma/, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 13:23, Reply)