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Attending a wedding is like being handed a licence to act like a twat. Oh how I laughed when I sobered up and realised I'd nicked most of the plates and cutlery from the posh hotel lunch and those vague memories of stealthily exiting like a cat-burglar had in-fact involved falling out of the hotel, knives and forks clattering onto the steps.

Tell us your wedding stories.

(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:19)
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Wedding Drunk
This is a condition I discovered some years ago and have perfected since, as I seem to get invited to quite a lot of weddings. Wedding drunkeness is a very special and specific type of drunkeness. Here's how to achieve it:

1. Go to wedding.
2. Start drinking as early as possible, and be sure to mix your drinks whenever possible.
3. Spend the afternoon/evening reception swaying about and sweating in your nice suit whilst doing your best to be charming to the Bride or Groom's Aunt/Uncle/Grandparents/Parents.
4. Realise that by the time your wife makes you go home you've said a few "inappropriate" things to above relatives.
5. Spend Sunday regretting it and promising yourself you'll take it easy at the next wedding.
6. Register genuine surprise at being invited to another wedding.
7. Go to next wedding.
8. Repeat steps 2-5.

Been to five of the buggers already this year. Three to go. Marvellous.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:29, Reply)
Ex gf's brother's wedding.
I shouldn't have gone, especially with my new gf. Ex gf had a huge hissy fit and her drunken dad woke up, looked at me, said "Leave my daughsher alllllooooonnne...." and fell back to sleep.

If you're reading this, by the way, I enjoyed every minute.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:29, Reply)
We turned up late to my cousin's wedding
mostly because we were giving her brother a lift up to it. He managed to remember the 6 bags of camera equipment he'd need for a photoshoot later that day, but not his suit.

Anyways, we get to this country hotel and there's loads of people milling about in their best clothes waiting to go into the reception.

How late are we? Much embarrassed, we slip into the queue to shake hands with the family and start talking to those around us, telling how Sara is my cousin and how I'd not met Steve her new husband yet and why we were late.

Was having a great time till I realised that I really didn't recognise _any_ of the people in the queue, or, as we got closer to the door, any of the people welcoming us to the reception.

Turns out that it was a Sara marrying a Steve alright, just not the correct Sara and Steve.

To a huge round of applause, we bow out of the queue and sprint to the other end of the hotel, where the correct wedding is just starting.

If we'd kept quiet, I reckon we could have wangled two meals though.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:29, Reply)
Quite an odd Wedding Function afterwards
At my own Wedding do, my Best man literally shite himself with nerves and couldn't do the speach. So I took the speach off him and did it myself, much to everyone's amusement.
Dunno why he panicked, only a couple of hundred there.

Also, because I was busy talking to everyone all the way through the party, I remained busy and sober. This was annoying me a bit, as I'd been informed by the bar staff that I was waiting on 12 drinks behind the bar. So being a bit of a sneaky twunt, I decided to pick up every drink at the same time, about 20 minutes before the bar closed. A perfect plan you might think. So did I, until half an hour later one of the guests knocked the table over spilling every bloody drink.

Stone sober till the end. Bastard. Still, was pissed at the Wedding :)
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:26, Reply)
No invite...
...my younger sister was getting married to a guy who was, and remains, an utter wanker.
I didn't get an invite to the wedding as he "wanted to economise".
My sister was allowed to invite just two family members (mum and dad - big mistake as they had just had a very ugly divorce) whilst all of his nearest and dearest were cordially invited.

I never believed she would actually marry this bald short person syndrome ridden dictator, but she did and bowed to all his demands regarding the wedding.

She divorced him a couple of years ago.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:23, Reply)
Same-sex Catholic wedding
At my wedding to Setimrette, just one month ago. Her grandfather is a retired Methodist minister, and although I'm Catholic, he was allowed to co-celebrate the wedding and bless the rings during the ceremony.

We got to the part of "repeat after me." "Setimrette, take this ring as a token of my love and a bond of our marriage, etc..." which I was supposed to say to her.

Only he said it all at once, and used my name when he handed me the ring.

So I guess I'm now in a same-sex Catholic marriage to a 73 year old man. Tell all your friends.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:19, Reply)
Thailand...
Went to my sisters wedding. At the reception the groom pulled me to one side...

Both very drunk proceded to say something along the lines of "Your being a cunt to your family and yourself..."

Oooops.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:18, Reply)
Went to a wedding....
where the groom forgot his new mother in laws name during his speach, he covered up nicely by clicking his fingers at her and going "err err jj eerr j j jean!" don't think anybody noticed!!!!!
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:10, Reply)
Weddings?
I was at a mates wedding and his wife, right in the middle of the reception started SCREAMING (I believe she was a bit drunk) at her brand new Sister-in-law. Apparently, my Mates sister, being a bit on the posh side, gave her some kind of 'look' that she didnt like.

On the wedding video, shortly after the event, I was being interviewed and asked to offer my wishes to my Mate and his new Bride. All I could do was smirk, because my Mates sister was standing behind the camera glaring at me to make sure I didnt say anything about her outburst.

I just stood there, half pissed, and laughed.

Shortly thereafter, I managed to snog his Sister for the better part of an hour.

I was edited out of the wedding film by the new Bride. Cunt.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:09, Reply)
2 spring immediately to mind
1. I've mentioned this one before. I was a waiter at a very large wedding function, and was serving the top table. Due to excessive heat, and resulting arm burnage, I managed to drop an entire flat of buttered new potatoes into the bride's lap. Enough said.

2. Worst best man's speech ever, recently at a friend's wedding. The best man stood up and made his speech. He decided to go for the 'risque' approach, and started cracking some of the most filthy jokes ever. He then proceeded to poke fun at the (recently dead) Pope. The bride's family were devout Catholics, and it didn't go down well at all. People laughed politely & uneasily for the first few jokes, and then it just got quieter and quieter. On and on he went, seemingly oblivious in his semi-drunken state to the fact that the whole room (200 people) was, in the end, just sat there in stunned silence staring at him. I was sinking gradually under the table. It was truly terrible.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:08, Reply)
Bongos
I attended the wedding of an uncle and the band had a set of bongos. I got a bit lashed on the lager and decided to have a go. They didn't seem to mind too much at first but eventually asked to leave them alone. Would they let me play their trombone though? Would they fuck.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:07, Reply)
Wet fucking Wet fucking Wet.
Got married to a lunatic (in a nice way) Polish girl a few years back, who turned into a bit of a Psycho.
Got married in the little registrars office in York, all very exiting, few friends and family etc.
Now, with a registry wedding, you don't get a rehearsal, so we turned up about 20 mins before the sevice and they talked us through what we should do, when to enter the room etc.
The lovely lady asked us if we'd like a bit of music in the background as we walked up the isle, and me, thinking it would be nice not to walk up in silence, said aye.
The registrar instructed us to stand outside the door, and wait for everyone to be seated, and then walk in when we heard the music.
So, me and the looney are standing outside, when all we hear is:

"I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes..."

I very was fucking apopletic with rage, but there was nothing I could do about it.
I got married to the strains of Wet fucking Wet fucking Wet, singing the theme from Fucking Four Weddings and a Cunting Funeral.

Should've know that the marriage was doomed from then on.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:01, Reply)
Well, my wedding..
Firstly, when the bride got out of the car, her dress caught in the door, ripping it away. Then there was a sudden gust of wind which blew everyone's hats off.

In the church the vicar sneezed and wiped it on his robe, before blessing me and having to wipe the gel off on it as well. Just after that the best man passed out knocking the candles over setting fire to the altar, and when he asked "Does anyone have any just cause.." a small kid dancing up the aisle shouted "I NEED A POO!"

When we had the photographs taken, I fell over carrying my wife, whilst the photographers wig blew off and he fell in the river.

During the reception, the father of the bride sat back and missed the chair the waiter had moved away from him, causing the maid of honour to drop the shatterable present she was carrying. As we went to cut the cake, the guy bringing it over tripped and fell face first in it and so I picked a bit up and wiped it in my wife's face.

Finally during the disco, two of the young kids dancing kissed eachother before being unceremoniously kicked down by an over-zealous uncle and right during the best part of 'Come on Eileen' granny accidentally tripped over a bit when her knickers fell down.

I ought to send the video into You've Been Framed.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)
wedding day
Several years ago, an old college friend of mine finally tied the knot. It was a lovely day... aparently.
I on the other hand was happily getting pissed with mates in the pub. I got my dates wrong. It was the 4th, not the 14th.... ooops!
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 16:00, Reply)
Well...
Not the most entertaining of stories, but here goes.

I was bridesmaid at my uncle's wedding. I can't stand the medically obese woman he married, so I refuse to call her my aunt.

I was sat next to my Dad, and he was boredly flicking through the hymnbook, muttering "Help me Jebus!", pausing the pages whenever a hymn including Jesus in the title cropped up. In the end we were both in tears of laughter. I think it kinda pissed off the old ladies in front of us.

My mum thought we were repenting our sins because of the beauty of the wedding. Ha!

Yeah. Help me Jebus indeed. Ah well, free food afterwards.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:57, Reply)
Best Man at my brother's wedding.
All went swimmingly until a Grandma we don't speak to turned up, the limo to the reception literally blew up in the hottest day of a very hot summer and the hotel had double-booked the bridal sweet with both brides getting mercenary over who booked it first.

To make matters worse a friend tried to pull my Aunty in front of her son, I was overheard saying how much I hate 'Kiss From a Rose' by Seal during the happy couple's first dance, and the father-in-law was caught placing a gypsy hex on the hotel.

The cherry on top of the cake was me mistaking an irish guest as Bryan McFadden (then out of Westlife) and bombarding him with questions about groupie sex... right in front of his girlfriend.

Myself and the brides' brothers girlfriend went missing for an hour or so. Despite nothing naughty going on, I had to hide in my room until said double-hard bastard brother got too wasted to stay conscious.

Quite a day.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:57, Reply)
More best-man's speeches
The absolute worst I've ever heard consisted only of, "I hope the groom is as happy with his new wife as I was when I used to go out with her. She's a bit of a goer."
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:52, Reply)
The best man had been sat between the bride's uncle,
who was a high-ranking church person and had conducted the marriage service, and the bride's mother.

For some reason he decided that it would be a good idea to stand up and give a speech that included extensive graphic references to the porn collection he and the groom had once shared. He finally concluded with the joke about wiping your knob on the curtains.

His table companions spent the whole thing staring straight ahead, looking neither to the left, neither to the right.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:50, Reply)
Weddings
I got married four months ago.

Wish I had some funny stories to tell about it. Unfortunately I spent the whole day absolutely wankered and have very little memory of the entire day.

A married friend did cop off with my sister though while his wife & kids slept soundly upstairs in the hotel room.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:50, Reply)
My Dad
My mum died when i was 2. 3 years later my dad remarried to the bitch queen from hell who just happened to be his secretary*.

Anyway at their wedding reception, where I was a page boy (and it was the day before my 6th birthday), I ended up in the toilet's having a huge waterfight with another lad of similar age. Dont think anyone was too happy that we managed to get ourselves completely soaked as well as most of the walls, floor, towels etc

*Hated the bitch before my dad married her, hated all the time i was kid, ended up punching her when i was 17 and being kicked out, and still hate the bitch even though i havent seen her in 16 years
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:50, Reply)
damn kilts
I went to my half brother's wedding about 4 years ago and i had to wear a full kilt suit thing. The kilt was fine but i had to wear some stupid poncey shoes that i could barely walk in.
Me and some other kids that were there decided to go across the road from where the reception was to go on a little park thing. On the way back across the road going back to the reception party i tripped over the sodding shoes and nearly got ran over by a car.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:46, Reply)
After being involved in a rear-end-shunt on the M1 on the way
we arrived at the church a little shaken.

Sit down amongst lots of religious types who were running through a few pre-wedding prayers (it was that sort of wedding).

Everything is fine until I catch my brother-in-law's eye. He's shaking with laughter. Tears are starting to run as he passes over the order of service, pointing at the words "I give you this ring".

I've not cried all the way through a wedding before.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:45, Reply)
I...
Don't drink (much), smoke or gamble but by the end of my mates' wedding I was pissed as a rat, smoking a massive cigar after I'd lost all my money playing poker.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:44, Reply)
I was in Vegas, I was drunk...
And to be fair, the potted plant looked like a real sexy mistress at the time.

Damn plant took over 16k and all the furniture...
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:37, Reply)
Food poisoning
I was 6 years old, at my Aunt's wedding. She had a big Buffet beforehand at my Grandad's house, and I ate something that didn't agree.

I continued to disagree in church ("Do you take this man to be your..." *BLEEEAAARGH*), outside between photos, and at the reception. The photos are ace, I look like the Phantom Pageboy.

I do have a Funny memory of my mum's cousin carrying me to the toilet under his arm and me being Exorcist sick Superman Stylee...

Class.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:36, Reply)
Second...... Curse
Didn't get married

Caught her in bed with my best mate 5 weeks before the big day.

Better of without the b1tch

And I kept the cat and house...
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:36, Reply)
Married 3 times
I like wedding cake
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:35, Reply)

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