My Family and Other Animals
A cousin of mine on the chavvier side of my family was getting hitched to a guy who, spookily enough, I used to score acid from until it went Class A and he decided it wasn't worth the cash. Turns out the reception was a shared 'do' in a local watering hole with another happy couple. The bride of this other couple was the daughter of a guy who, spookier still, I used to score hash from - as far as I know he's still dealing lol. This gives you a idea of the full-on chavviness of the entire affair.

So, here I am with my then (comparitively plummy) GF, watching the following events unfold:

-Groom of my cousin refuses to get up for the first dance, leaving my cousin not-too-impressed while the other couple were on the floor, and when this girl's not impressed she makes you know it, o yes.

-Groom played a blinder with the above as the music for the first dance was a drunken karaoke-esque turn by one of DealerDaughter's mates, singing 'How can I live without you' very badly indeed and closing the rendition with a slurred scream of 'Joanne, I luv yer!'

-Said mate later requested a song that had been the theme at my brother's funeral some months before - she couldn't have known, granted, but she's still a dim bitch as it visibly upset my GF and my mother. Me too, even though I was a bit more stoic about it.

-Another cousin (who once did a little too much of the Groom's acid and has never really been the same since) was overheard speculating about my uncle's part in my auntie's recent passing. Another uncle told him to 'keep that shit to yer fuckin' self or i'll send yer to join her right now' - he got the message, thankfully, especially since the uncle he was basically accusing of murder was in attendance on the night.

-Inevitable large-scale kick-off as members of either wedding party were mortal enemies 'on t'estate' (but I was pleased to note that they'd left the tyre-irons and stanley knives at home just this once)

There were other erm, high points to the evening, but I'm getting bored with length gags. GF and I made it a little more bearable thanks to another cousin, who like me, had left town years before. She brought some fine weed with her and we spent most of the latter part of the evening getting quietly toked on the benches outside with her and her BF - had to stash it for a little while when the police van arrived to cart off a handful of bloodied kick-off merchants, but still was a pleasant evening in the end.

EDIT: Oh, and I've not married the GF, as it turned out years later that I'd been totally ignorant of the fact that I'm happier whilst batting for the other team. She's my best mate now though, so still a result :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:09, Reply)