Teenage Kicks
Young dry sex with clothes on. Amazingly, all the right sensations were there. I spluffed into my boxers/jeans and had to pretend I hadn't (that's fucking hard work). I then had to take her for a 20 minute walk back to her parents house, where they sat me down for a cup of tea and a chit-chat.

By Christ, that was damp, sticky and uncomfortable.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 8:51, Reply)

And again...
Pulled a lass from work. She was a churchgoer but that's not a problem. Before we did the deed though she went down on her knees and prayed for the sin she was about to commit. Still did her but didn't go back for seconds.
(hypostomus, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 8:06, Reply)

Arf
Woof thats nasty
(Staffs Giraffe, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 2:03, Reply)

afterwards...
i found an undisgested piece of sweet corn under my foreskin. put me off anal until further notice.
( bierbelly, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 0:28, Reply)

Back in Glasgow when I was a piercing nut...
When I was say, 14, there was a girl I'll refer to as Elle...This poor creature had some terrible eczema all over and a gaping hole where self-esteem should have been.

I had in the week previous to my 14th birthday, got drunk and made out with her in a place near Argyle street where all us "gothics" as the neds loved to shout, would hang out.

I "dumped" her within hours as I sobered up and realised she thought this meant we were an item and had been jubilantly telling girls I knew about my awesome cock(Thanks Elle, you got me mucho laid later)...

Now with my B'day approaching fast and being horny and stupid, I answer a call from Elle whereupon she proceeds to entice me into doing it with her...and honestly, for such a not very attractive girl...she had a GREAT way with words. Some things were suggested and I said she should come over on my birthday and do them as a "gift".

I decided in the next few days to give myself a new piercing...a septum piercing(bullring for all you tard-mericans who don't know what it is)...my method involved heating a sharpened kilt pin to "burn off germs", then cooling it and wapping it through my septum...hurt like a bitch but transcendent feeling afterwards...anyway...on my birthday...8am no less, comes a tapping on my window...

"Happy Birthday" she says as she climbs in the window(I still lived with ma and pa) and proceeds to strip...now although covered in eczema. her body was pretty svelte and she was making inroads to touching my tadger so we proceed to the bed where passionate, closed-eye smooching and fervent, grinding and wanking could begin...I all of a sudden feel real wet and thought to myself "wow, she's got me really sweaty already?"

Open my eyes to find my nose PISHING blood on her tits, face...everything...

she's laying on her back, eczema sores glistening with my fresh blood, her eyes closed and still writhing on my fingers.

Killed my boner as quick as Simon Weston's face.

Never saw her again after I kicked her out of my house. funny that...

/take that length inside youse.
(Sunny Govan Mr McCuntywankybollocks, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 22:54, Reply)

I once had a wank on a bus.
Does that count?
( Wormulus Handsome, gay, pædo, King of France, AIDS, Hitler, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 21:29, Reply)

Schizophrenic sheep-
that reads like some of the better free form poetry I've heard recited by art school girls at open mike night.

Forgive me, but it made me laugh like hell.
(The Resident Loon drives women crazy, but not in the good way, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 20:03, Reply)

red
she was bleeding and didn't know

we discovered it mid act.

we just carried on.

Of course the sheets had to be thrown out. There was even a nice bloody hand print on my bed board afterwards.

At least i know blood doesn't turn me on, but it doesn't turn me off either.

hmm that isn't my worse sex story.

well i don't have a worse one, but i bet i gave one to someone else. I'm just not into guys
(schizophrenic_sheep is a big pink faery!, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:22, Reply)

more crap sex
The time I didn't douche properly with my ex, sat on his cock to ride around a little, then came off it to reveal what can only be described as oxtail soup all over his dick. Nice.

The Thai student who would only do it to Celine Dion's "My heart will go on". Still hate that bitch.

The guy with the miniscule dick who wanted me to cry while he spanked me.

The guy who fucked me for two seconds then whispered in my ear, "you don't have to do this to yourself, you know." Cunt.
(badfox1, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:22, Reply)

Thora Hird
Picture the scene. It's Sunday evening and the autumn sunset is shining outside. A younger and less wise 6300 miles away is making mad passionate love to his then wife (now ex). Now to say this lady is religious would be an understatement. Anyway, things seem to be going well and everything's good in the world when she looks straight into my eye, opens her mouth and sensously speaks......


"Hurry up, Songs of Praise is only in five minutes."

The thought of Thora Hird does nothing to enhance the wonderful experience that is sex and I regret to say that events didn't reach a conclusiion.

Still, as my girlfriend said, at least she complained that it was taking too long, most men have the opposite problem.

:)
(6300 miles away from happiness, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:19, Reply)

My first time
My first time was with a fat ginger bird. Not only was it crap, but she told me she was pregnant afterwards. She was lying. It screwed my head up for a good while. Still hate her.
(badfox1, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:14, Reply)