Dry-suits...
I have a dry-suit when I dive, it's a big rubber air-tight thing and it keeps air in and water out.

It also keeps methane in, so if you've spent a night with a beer or two and a curry, you can merrily toot away in your suit all day long.

Then you find an unsuspecting victim, stand next to them, open the conveniently shoulder-height dump-valve and release a full days fartiness in one lethal, nostril-height dose.

Alternatively, get some poor bugger to unzip the zip across your shoulders for a similar effect.

I'm sure Tiggy knows what I mean.
(Squash, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:08, Reply)

when I was freshly in love with my then gf...
... my mates picked me up for a night out.

finally i could let rip. i farted quasi non-stop from her door to the car (a 2 min walk)...

EVERYTHING makes me flatulent. even fennel.
( bierbelly, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 22:05, Reply)

Actually, there's nothing better
Than a girl who's comfortable enough with herself (and you) to let rip when she feels like it.

Girls who fart are cool.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 21:51, Reply)

My ex
Was quite determined not to fart in front of me.

She made the standard lady excuses of 'I never fart', 'it's disgusting', 'I'd sooner consume a live kitten', etc.

Then, one night while we were in bed, she let rip a truly thigh rippling, bed shaking bum burp.

While the fart itself didn't wake her up, my laughter did.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 21:40, Reply)

Now that the smoking ban is in...
...when some drunken idiot farts in the bar (i work on a bar) it absolutely stinks because their is nothing to mask the smell.

It's disgusting.
( Mister B is eating an icanhazcheezburger with lmaonaise, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 21:37, Reply)

Remember
Children are like farts. You love your own* but not other people's.

*not necessarily true for b3ta-ans.

btw, Fart-related, heres some fun:

www.farts.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000009;p=0

Paul
--
www.paullee.com
(Wrecked Tums, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 21:09, Reply)

When I was a student...
... After a week long diet of lager and Nottingham's finest kebabs, I had chronic stomach pains and did runny shits all day. That evening, all my friends were heading out into town again - and despite my protests at not being up to it, I was dragged along for the ride. All along the long walk to the bar I kept doubling up with cramps, but we made it and started drinking merrily away.

Stood in the middle of the absolutely packed room, chatting; about 45 mins in, I get the urge to release some gases.. I think "it's only a little one... I'll just do it here!". Genius. What followed was a long wet fart of apocalyptic proportions. The sound was pretty impressive to me, but it was drowned out by the music and talking, so it went unnoticed at first. But the smell... Christ the smell. Like a sack of dead bodies, who'd all crapped themselves. While eating nuts of some kind. It must've spread quite far across the room, as a rather large, and growing circle was beginning to clear around me as people tried to escape this stench. Girls screamed, lads groaned loudly and covered their faces with coats. I panicked, moved to the edge of the room, and pointed at Phil (who had tried harder than anyone else to get me to come drinking - sorry mate), all the while trying (and failing) not to piss myself laughing. I know, i'm an awful, smelly person, and my sincere apologies to all who witnessed this godzilla style event.
(jnewco81, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 20:38, Reply)

Ladies...
don't fart or make poo. Our bodies are so advanced that we actually recycle most of our bodily waste instead of excreting it. I told my boyfriend this and he honestly believes it, even though we've been living together two years.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 20:21, Reply)

NEVER
I have never farted in front of a man. I think I would die of shame. At the very least I would have to leave the country.

I hate farts.
(Just a girl., Sun 15 Jul 2007, 20:10, Reply)

My bowels are likened to the Hindenberg on awakening
and I usually keep my methane pockets for walking down the stairs,one for each step.There's 13 steps,so I ensure I crack open another one to avoid the bad luck.
(shitstirrer, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 19:54, Reply)

Not me but my mates
On holiday last week my mate Neil walks past little Timmy sat on the floor, he then announces hes 'picking some flowers' and farts pretty much in Timmys mouth. He does this daily to anybody whos near him, bare arse or through boxers. He also smacks you in the face with his sweaty arse when you're sleeping.
I swear i've felt the wetness of his arsebiscuits on the end of my tongue more than once.

My other mate Mark lays on his stomach and rips out 3-5 second dry farts followed by a little squeaky wet one.
In manchester airport he did one (but stood up of course) and a little kid started crying 'daddy make it stop'.

Also *pop* for a long time lurker, you guys have got me through college and uni and actually got me chucked out of the library for chortling.

Length? You aint seen nothin yet!
(CraigB, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 19:09, Reply)

My fiance says
that my farts smell like "dead men".

True story.

I think they smell more like cabbage sometimes, and a bit beefy at other times.

It might just be me, but does anyone else ever get that feeling when they can feel one brewing but you're scared to let rip just incase it's actually a shit?
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 17:10, Reply)

Not me, but my Dad.
We're on holiday in France. We're at a camping site, but we're in camper vans so it's not as bad as a tent. My Mum and Dad are in the same room, and me and my sister are sharing a room at the other end. During the middle of the night, my Dad farts SO loudly that he wakes:

a) Himself
b) My Mum
c) Me & my sister
d) The occupants of the camper van next door, who proceed to shout "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT!?!?"

Just think of my poor mum.
( Lightguy hail satan, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 16:47, Reply)

Food/alcohol poisoning
I got in one night after a particular heavy night of bbq food, strongbow, alocpops and neat spirits. Having then devoured my takeaway i was ready for bed

Little did i kno that an hour later id still be awake, writhing in agony from the paralysing bloatedness in my gut.

The next 6 hours i spewed every half hour or so a wonderful array of colours...

Then came the diahorrea and some of the worst smells of my life.

The next three days were a russian roulette of "was i gunna puke? burp? fart? or shit myself?" at every slight gurgle in my stomach. Turns out each time i felt gassy i was going to puke. Only after two days did things settle through my stomach and start coming out the other side. Sounds like an A bomb. there was nothing coming out but each time i had to give it legs to the bathroom just to make sure.

I wonder what my timid housemates thought at the time. then i realised they are bellends and i dont care.
(Staffs Giraffe, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 15:22, Reply)

STFU balmonkey
u never contribute anything to the QOTW so fuck of!!!
( The Coast Of Yemen, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Guinness + Fried Tomatoes = Bath of death
My first ever part time job was as a Betterware salesman door to stinking door in Sunny Hull. I was 16, and probably the youngest person in the western world to have sold a carpet sweeper. I was also in the midst of bowel problems. Catastrophic bowel problems that meant i had been bunged up for at least a week.
I am usually a regular poo-er twice a day clockwork, you can set your watch by my arse, and the pain from this sudden and unexplained bout of botty famine was considerable.
As i was delivering another load of Catalogues to the bored (and sexually frustrated - but thats for another QOTW) housewives of my estate, I was accosted by a rather elderly lady and the conversation went like this...

Old Lady :-" Why are walking like that son, shit yerself?"
Airliebird :-"No, quite the opposite in fact, i'm appallingly constipated"
OL "You know what you need, son? Fried Tomatoes and Guinness! and nothing but that. Drink nowt but Guinness and eat nowt but fried tommys, and you'll be as right as rain in a day!"

So rather than visit a doctor or even the chemist or even buy some bran (I am a bloke after all), I followed this lovely wizened bowel fairy's advice, and after persuading my dad to purchase me some guinness, i fried my first batch of tomatoes.
Now, let me assure everyone, this is not a diet to be toyed with and in fact, Dr Atkins would probably even call it irresponsible - if he hadn't died of bowel cancer.
So after 4 meals and in fact 24hrs to the minute since the advice had been handed down, airliebird found himself in the bath, soothing his distended and aching belly.
Was it my fevered imagination or was there a stirring of sorts in my tummy? I shifted my position a little...There it was again! Definite movement!
I decide I should try to make it to the toilet only a few feet away and i lift an arse cheek from the floor of the bath.

TTTThhhhhhhhwwwwwwwwrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrpppp!

Pity poor airliebird..... he is now sat in a bath that appears to be totally constituted of watered down Guinness and tomato skins. I swear it even had a head on it.
Can you imagine pulling the plug on a bath and it not going down because of the tomato skins blocking the hole? Having to reach down and unblock it by hand?
I have never fried a tomato since, but Guinness is my favourite drink to this day.

Glad I got this off my chest I think, but strangely I have never totally subscribed to the "better out than in" theory since.
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:55, Reply)

More people should have conversations in QOTW.
It's always great to read a fragmented dialogue between some mongtards.
What do you think?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:43, Reply)

farted as my gf was rimming me
but only once.
(baz, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:34, Reply)

more reasons to shop at morrisons
i was working in morrisons car park at Scarborough depot..me and my mate were renewing the white lines etc,on nights.was a tough old night,plenty to do..anyway we finished about 5am..i took the meter wheel to measure everything we'd done up..i left my mate sat in wagon by the main entrance..by the time i had got to the garage area,my guts were bubbling like a geezer..all of a sudden ,i was stood buttocks clenched..rooted to the spot..i spent 5 mins waving frantically..eventually screaming across the car park for my mate to bring wagon..i could see him sat in wagon ramming pork pies in his mouth..he didnt flinch..by this time ,tears were streaming down my face..with the immense pain i was in..i managed to shuffle to where they fill the fuel tanks..
then it came..noooooooooooo...my pants came down in about 0.35 seconds..so here i am ..squatting on top of a fuel grate..about midthrust it hit home..i had no toilet roll..out of the corner of my eye,i noticed some large headlights coming into the car park...hells teeth..it was a morrisons petrol tanker..in a millisecond i whipped my calvins off..cream variety..having to use them to mop my rear end clean..they were slung under a nearby bush..i sprinted back to wagon to bollock my mate..who happened to be listening to thrash metal at full volume...i wheelspun our wagon out the carpark..passing the garage..the petrol guy was just stepping out of his wagon..poor fella..little did he know what delight was waiting for him..a chefs special
(tavish Strongbow is my life, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Infected farts
A few years ago I had appendicitis. I had it removed and I was sent home, but a few days later was admitted again with hallucinations and sickness. Turns out something had gone wrong with my bowels and I ended up with an infection. Rather than poo, I was passing a lot of thick, stinking blood. It absolutely stank. I was given the appropriate medicine and started to recover, but when a few of my mates came to visit me, with the curtains drawn round me, I sneaked out one of the most horrendous farts I have ever had. The smell of a fart from my bleeding bowels was clearly the worst thing my friends had ever smelt and they left at great speed.
(Bitchesdontknowaboutmydiabeetus Do you have diabeetus?, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Chocolate milk.
Supermarket own brand chocolate milk gives me the worst case of wind, ever.

Oddly though, it's only supermarket own brand. Any other brand I'm fine with. Strange, I know.


I once did one of these farts into an empty Pringles tube & opened it in my brothers face.
(Xstopher, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 12:26, Reply)

School assembly
Ahh farting in school assembly - them were the days. It had the perfect combination:

1) 500 kids sitting on a fucking hard wooden floor = numb bum and a the wooden floor making natural amplifier.

2) Timing; as assembly was always around 10am, just in time for people's breakfasts to have digested and the farting process beginning to take effect.

Now as most of you know, farting at school has a hierachy. If you are a popular kid/bully you can proudly fart and your friends will laugh. If the unpopular kid farts then they will be ridiculed and singled out with everyone screaming and baking away, making makeshift crosses with their fingers.

Back to the Assembly scenario. Now at middle school we had a psychotic railway enthusiast deputy headmaster who would always do the Thursday assembly. These were always a gruelling affair with his tales of morality and stern "no chewing gum, thou must wear your
blazer at all times etc" even the teachers grumbled and moaned.

Farting in his assembly was the ultimate sin = he would click his fingers and point out the culprit for maximum humiliation. He did however occasionally make a "miss-smelling" and would point out a totally innocent bystander. He did this once to his downfall, after the person he blamed for a particullary noisy rip-snorter started to cry. He was booed by some of the more daring pupils and rather than apologise he stormed out, leaving a rather flustered teacher to take over.

The true culprit was never caught - and no it wasn't me! I developed a way of "levitating" off the floor so that if I needed to let one go I'd do it relitavely quietly - a skill I have taken into adulthood!
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Sun 15 Jul 2007, 10:38, Reply)

Dutch oven
I'm a fan of the "dutch oven"

This involves dropping one under the duvet, letting it bake for the righ amount of time then pulling the duvet up over the partners head so that they may enjoy the fruits of my labour.

Only did it once. Apparantly its not a nice thing to do.

Everyone likes their own brand.
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 9:20, Reply)

Cranberry
The first time I ever drank vodka & cranberry I wasn't prepared for my pish AND my poo to smell of it the next morning.
So, feeing a little worse for wear, I was sat on the toilet waiting to poo when I let out a huge cranberry fart.
The effect of this was so overwhelming I threw up over myself.

I've had better mornings...
(cigarhudson, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 7:25, Reply)

a prostitute was squatting over my chest

about to dump a 'Cleveland Steamer', when she farted! OMG I was *so* grossed out.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 6:52, Reply)

to Wrecked Tums
Because the fart is protected from the atmosphere until it surfaces. It does not disperse into the air until moment of surface which is wherever the water level in the bath is, and that much closer to your waiting nose.
(starial, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 5:43, Reply)

'silent, but violent'...
God bless my oldest boy, just turned one at the end of last month.

He's learnt to produce some truely potent gaseous anomalies in recent weeks, so much so that he can cunningly convince us he has 'used' his nappy, only for a nappy change to reveal he has used his new super-power. Seriously - the lad can fart pure sulphur-like evilness.

Which made me grin standing in line in Mothercare yesterday, with the worlds most chav-scum-like family behind us in the queue. He unleashed one of his un-holy stenches, only for the chav-father behind to comment;

"Awww, Jesus Chels - Courtney's Sh*t 'erself again."

I was so proud, I nearly drove home there and then to sign him up on b3ta. Just one and already using the 'silent, but violent' method to blame others...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 1:46, Reply)

Farts!
Our family loves them. We even have guinea pigs who let out trouser chugs.

A few funny stories. Our pet dog had obviously been taught a few tricks by my brother. The dog would let rip with a silent, gassy extrusion of tripe and would turn around and look at others. Or he would just walk off. Both tricks my brother did.

Once my dad farted and blamed it on the dog, who was miles away. Another time, the dog was asleep on the rug. My dad emitted a collosal stinker (with accompanying sound), and the dog bolted awake, running to the front door, barking.

My best fart story was during a bath I had. God knows what I had been eating, but the smelliest trumps are gained from steak, covered with strong mustard, with onions, and double strength lager. My partner was in the bathroom, sat on the floor, her head on the side of the bath, as she massaged Mr.John Thomas. All of a sudden, a few bubbles rose to the surface of the bath.

A few seconds later, she recoiled in horror, clutching her nose, yelling "OH MY GOD!" We still chuckle about it to this day!

PS Why are wet botty burps so vile?!

Cheers

Paul
--
www.paullee.com
(Wrecked Tums, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 1:20, Reply)

i was once lifting my kitty cat
and he farted in my face.
It smelt bad.
(I've got the clap has some cool sentence here, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 1:11, Reply)

fly boy
working away in this really quiet house when the lady of the house when icaught her little bollockchops of a kid staring a me in the windows reflection oho did i let rip with an olympic gold effort i never saw anyone levitate with shock before he did a full tumble arse over tit and ran into his mothers skirts leavinme crippeledwith laughter om the floor:)))) The lenght?Youll take what your given!
(swampi thought of this, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 0:39, Reply)