Odd God HMK
Bless you,

when you enter the world of the professional beer drinker you'll realize this is an occupational hazard.

Myself, I come from a scientific background. The mercury you get in thermometers is toxic, but in small (and I mean small) amounts is a muscle relaxant. The teeniest tiniest drop placed in a pint of ale will have your white chino clad workmate walking home with a fake tan Posh Spice would be proud of.

Don't (and I mean this) try this at home kids.

Edit - For Flipper: See above - don't do this. It's nawty and can do someone permanent damage. Use laxatives instead - much cheaper and easier to come by. OK?
( no longer a user, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 0:15, Reply)

Booby trapping a chair
The chairs that we use in work have an un/fortunate habit of storing farts.
So after discovering this fun fact we would purposely "impregnate" the chair of a co-worker so that when they returned from break/lunch they would get the full force of a stale fart fresh from the chair :D
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 23:54, Reply)

Stomach pains
One day at college I started suffereing from stomach pains. Thankfully it was during my last lesson, so I finished the lesson, headed for the bus and waited for it, stomach pains getting worse the entire time. I then got on the bus for a 40 minute journey, where the stomach pains seemed to increase exponentially halfway through. Finally getting into my home town, I got off the bus and legged it home, feeling as though my side were about to burst, pushed open the door, threw my stuff down and sat down on the bog without even shutting the door (home alone thankfully). As my cheeks touched the seat, a semi-liquid shit proceeded to evacuate my rectum as I sighed in relief.

'How's this related?' you might think. Well, the semi-liquid shit had a fart embedded in it.

Had you been home that day, you'd've heard my voice from the toilet, going "Ahhhh-ARRRGGGHHH!" as the fart made itself known loudly and violently.

Shit sprayed out of my arse like a volcano and sprayed the entire bowl. It was so disgustingly impressive I took a photo.

The one thing I can't figure out, though, is how part of my shit was fired almost exactly sideways out of my arse, coming to rest on the porcelain just below the seat.
(ratthingbazzterd, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 23:40, Reply)

ROFL
LOOOOL FARTS ahahahahahah
( Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Kite Jr knows us well
If (when) she farts she immediately looks innocent, looks at myself or mrs. Kite and declares "Mummy" or "Daddy" - we are not fooled.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:46, Reply)

farting at an auction...
a real auction where you have to stand around and get the auctioneers attention...anyway this old bloke pretty much shat himself there and fuck that it stank so much, people were practically running. I had to stay and bid on a box of stuff tho. Glad i did, cos i then sold it to a collector for neary 300% profit. The auctioneer caught a wiff of the shite, said who will give me £1 for this lot and walked swiftly on not trying to puke his burger up he ate moments before coming outside. Breathing rank air for a few secs was worth it in this case. I steer clear from the old fucker now....rancid looking cunt he is....

rant over....
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:43, Reply)

School farts
No kid wants to fart in a classroom. The ridicule, the teasing, blah, blah.

The most fun you can do is stand behind the kid that deserves ridicule that day, let one rip, walk away, then watch their friends blame it on each other.

I once invidulated an exam, and I'd had a skinful the night before. I let a silent but deadly out, the kind of one that feels moist as it escapes. I walked away to the other end of the room with a small grin on my face.

I didn't notice the hand go up, but 3 kids asked to move seats away from the lad I picked to fart near, and his nickname through 6th form was "Rancid".
(gjb006, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:26, Reply)

One from Mrs. Kite
Working many years ago on an Old folks dementia ward. One of her colleagues finished her shift and had to get her bag out the office. Seeing the office door was closed she knocked, gently opened the door and leant in to get her bag...in the process letting off a huge fart. Worst part ? The Sister was in their telling some relatives their mother had just died.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:21, Reply)

Its not just botties that Burp!
After a particularly unpleasant abdominal operation I was confined to bed for a week. As I was unable to move under my own steam, getting to the toilet was impossible, so they inserted a catheter so that I could wee in a controllable, hygenic fashion.

What they don't tell you is that when you have the catheter out, it often leaves your bladder full of air.

I didn't find this out until I had an urgent need to pee. Off I trot to the loo to dispense a teaspoon full of urine followed by a five second fart.

Not from my guts.

Disturbing but curiously arousing

Length? a bit shrunken, but better now
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 22:21, Reply)

Farting in bed
I had the most awful gutrot one evening and as me and Mrs. lordy lordy were getting ready for bed she went off to do her ablutions. I, meanwhile had climbed to her side of the bed, let rip, rolled over to my side and held the duvet down. She came back threw back the cover, and gagged. My how we chuckled
(lordy lordy, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 21:11, Reply)

Worst alarm clock ever
Back in the mid-90s I was unemployed and by all accounts living the life of Reilly. I might not have had much cash, but otherwise I was in clover -- long lazy days, getting up when I wanted (often just in time to see the struggling actress who lived next door sunbathing topless in her garden...ace!) going to bed when I felt like it and generally doing very little.

It would have been heaven, had I not been sharing a house with THE ARSE OF DAVE.

He was called 'Big Dave' not in an ironic way, but because he was mahoosive and his name was Dave. Now Big Dave had a proper 9 to 5 so had to get up at some godforsaken hour to commute into the centre of town (we lived at the far end of a particularly unreliable bus route). I on the other hand, being a gentleman of leisure, could lie abed as long as I wanted.

So what was the problem? The problem was that the head of my bed was on the other side of the wall from the bathroom -- specifically, directly adjacent to the toilet. And every morning, regular (ho ho) as clockwork, Big Dave would have his Big Dump. Accompanied by the most extraordinary, ground-shaking, ear-drum threatening flatulence it's ever been my misfortune to witness. And let me tell you, there are plenty more pleasant ways to be awoken in the morning than to have your brain rattled by the sounds of some lolloping great oaf's anus flapping.

Looking on the bright side, at least when he was in the bathroom having a shite, he wasn't noisily porking his miniscule (and equally vocal) girlfriend. I'll never understand how she avoided being suffocated, to be honest.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 21:09, Reply)

I farted once.

( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 21:02, Reply)

Drunkeness
Got drunk on Guiness last week. No one wanted to go near me all weekend.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 20:35, Reply)

Ew, ha, ew, ha, ew, ha
We were staying over at Mr Goddess' Moms. We hadnt been together long and although I had met the family before, this was the first stop over. I am an EXTREMELY windy person (both ends) and as I was on my best behaviour I was virtually fit to burst from holding my gas in for so long so as not to horrify my future (mighty posh) Ma in law. I lost my clench when said Ma in law let the most thunderous guff escape her posh passage, luckily she didnt hear me rip as we were in the living room, she was in the kitchen, both doors were closed, and there was a hallway in between. We got belly ache from laughing so much.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 20:17, Reply)

Not me...
...but somehwere I read about this girl. She was mortified because her father would open up the freezers in the frozen section in grocery stores and FART in them! Then he would wait until someone opened it. :/
I sort of feel her pain, because my dad has a habit of farting in stores as well. Only he will hurry off somewhere making ME look like the dealer. I don't know HOW many times people have given me angry looks over that. :(
Oh and he is the smelliest creature alive! Once in the hot summer time, he farted in the truck. The windows were down, but there was no breeze. I stuck my head out the window to get some relief...and here comes a red light. I had to sit there in that stink while waiting for the light.
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 20:13, Reply)

Ew. ow, ew, ow
Mr Goddess' farts stink so bad that I herniated a disc heaving my guts up once.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 20:03, Reply)

I can never think of a bloody title.
Best story about farts I heard was from one of the bosses at work. He was a bit of sod for smoking in bed and his wife used to complain bitterly that he'd set fire to the place one night. He was laid there one night, arse resting on his wifes leg when, after brewing a good hot one, he lets rip silently. His wife jumps out the bed screaming, saying that he'd burnt her leg with a fag. "No I haven't." says Kenny, "Yes you bloody have," says wifey "look, there's even a bloody burn mark" she says as she points to a small brown mark on her leg.

My old dog was a bastard for farting and looking round at you disgustedly as if it was you that had let rip. Smelly bugger he was too. He was the one who while sleeping with his nose tucked into his arse let one rip and somersaulted off the bed in shock.

Oh yes, and my wife once farted while I was munching away down there. Funny how a mouthful of swamp gas can shrivel your dick so quickly.
(Tyrion, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 19:19, Reply)

What really kills you in your own home..
I graduated from Uni on 2005 and spend the summer madly earning money to go out to America to visit my girlfriend, who dumped me 2 days after i'd arrived, though I still had to spend a month living with her family as I couldn't afford the charge to get an earlier flight. One night, while she was feeling the strain of having to be civil with someone she'd just horribly broken up with, she brought out a big box of assorted sweets. Cola bottles, chewy things I don't know the names of, red tape, the works. So we munched away on these until feeling ill, then decided to call it a night. I went to my room, lay down and instantly had the "whoop! time to get back up!" feeling, ran to the toilet and promptly shat out the entire contents of my large intestine. But it wasn't done yet, oh no. With nothing left to come out, I started farting noisily, until I shat out the contents of my stomach in a stinky liquid stream. But the farting wouldn't stop. With nothing left to come out, I felt safe enough to return to my bed and try to sleep. After continuing to have tremendous farts for another hour I eventually nodded off at about 1am, only to be woken up 2 hours later by a loud, blaring alarm. I looked around frantically thinking "House fire?!" but there was no longer an alarm and no smoke, I turned the lights on and checked the smoke alarm but it seemed ok. So I went back to bed, letting out yet another colossal fart as I did so. 15 minutes later the alarm went off again, and again I looked about, checked the alarm, wondered why noone else had been woken up etc, then sat in bed thinking "what the hell is causing this, both the farts and the alarms?". I turned the lights off and looked around again, noticing this time that there was a flashing light coming from under the wardrobe. I turned the light back on, pulled the wardrobe away and found the culprit. The air content detector, with a big flashing light next to the "WARNING: GAS LEVELS APPROACHING TOXIC - INCREASE VENTILATION" warning.

I was farting myself to death.

I popped it outside my room and opened all the windows so as not to be woken up again, then farted my way back into a slumber.

Makes me think - someone, somewhere, has in fact farted themself to death.
(Andari, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 19:11, Reply)

Back in primary and secondary school................
There was this one time for me back when i was just finishing primary school, I suddenly and without warning let the most monstrous fart go ever. To give you an idea of how big it was, it lasted around 30 seconds, shook the floor and steamed up the windows!

There was another time a couple of years later in secondary school, where one random lunchtime i came down with what i initially thought was a really bad stomachache, so not long after, I was sent home. First thing i did was go to bed in an effort to sleep it off. Then, about 10 minutes after i got into bed, BOOM! the fart my mother claimed could be heard anywhere in the house! So I quickly came to the conclusion that it wasn't a stomachache, just one of the worse cases of trapped wind ever!
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 18:27, Reply)

I work in a school....
as people who've read my stories before may know. At work in our office we have developed the Hymlic Headlock manouver - this generally conisists of somone brewing a vicious fart for several hours. When its ready to burst you find an unsuspecting member of staff, through you're right leg around their face getting them in a leg-headlock with your arse right on their face - then let rip.
Unluck Dave who used to work there swears he felt buckshot once!
( SiX and his hat, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 18:11, Reply)

so so wrong
i was waiting for an interview for something at a college a couple of years ago, as i sat waiting two deaf people came walking past signing to each other.

one of them let out the loudest fart i have ever heard - it seriously lasted a good 5 or 6 seconds at full power, i honest to god thought the guy had done himself a mischief.

i wonder what his mate thought when everyone in the room started wetting themselves with mirth and looking at them, i wonder if this happens a lot...
(Fake Spaniard, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 18:09, Reply)

When in Venice....
Many years ago I went for romantic weekend in Venice with my then-girlfriend who, it has to be said had a regular and acute sense of humour failure when it came to the art of the fart. Which only served to encourage me, especially when she claimed this wasn't "showing her any respect".

So we're strolling through the beautiful city and we come to a bridge (the name of which I can't remember but it's famous). I leaned on the parapet amidst a crowd of people to take a photo.
And lo! I could feel a fetid miasma building inside my bowels, and believing the person pressed up behind me was my girlfriend, decided it would be funny to push back against her and let rip.

Yep. It wasn't her.

When I recall this incident my fevered imagination takes over and I tell myself that I stood there grinning and speaking loud and fluent German at the recipient of my largesse, thereby amusing myself and nurturing some European stereotypes.
The reality is that the smile froze on my face, I blushed crimson and shuffled awkwardly away. I don't even speak German.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 18:00, Reply)

thanks mother
when i was a teenager and never wanted to be noticed in public with my mother, she would always fart really loudly (especially in the grocery store). every time mother farts she says "Ahhh, good one."


I knew my daughter was spending too much time with grandma when one day, at age 5, she was walking along, farted loudly, and said "Ahhh, good one."


Thanks mother.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 17:50, Reply)

Small fungi
An ex-manager assured me he "knew someone" who was getting down to business with a new girlfriend, farted and produced an intact button mushroom.

The sheets were black, which apparently heightened the effect.
(rogerzilla, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 17:50, Reply)

Ah farts ARE funny...
Let me see...

1, Ex girlfriend who only ever ate Kormas for some unknown reason and was quite ladylike otherwise, would trump her arse off in bed. I remember cuddling up to her one night and having the unmistakable aroma of arse wafting up from under the duvet. She swallowed the ball off her tongue bar one day and I suggested if she had to guff she pointed herself away from people... instant new nicname... "The Musket".

2, Friend of mine at work once turned up for his shift and told us this little story... "I woke up and to my utter horror found my girlfriend's ring about 2 inches from my nose, cheeks held apart by her as she let fly with a massive postern blast which sent her into fits of giggles. And she looked such a nice girl normally.!

3, Sitting eating breakfast with my bro one morning he dropped a fart that sounded EXACTLY like a motorbike passing outside. I even looked out the window.!

3, My workplace is mostly populated by women, but upstairs it is us men that dominate (shopfloor versus stockroom) and this leads to a massive amount of chuffing, guffing and breaking of wind. The worst are post curry or chinese with my bum giving resounding smells but sod all noise. The slightly chubbier staff have the extra bummage to create noises usually only found eminating from the back of badly maintained buses.

And 4, The fine art of nipping into your brothers room while he is brushing his teeth at night, farting mightily into the pillow then running away. Brilliant fun.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 17:45, Reply)

I like to think of myself as a gentleman
Or maybe I'm very keen to impress, but whenever I spend the night with a lady (not often) I try to hold in my farts. It's only the next day when I leave, and can finally release, that I realise how much gas I must expel in a night, as I find myself in serious pain where I have expanded some of my intestine by over inflating it.
(gingerchris I'm trying..., Sat 14 Jul 2007, 17:40, Reply)

Ah...
When I first met my girlfriend, I was particularly shy about farting in her presence. I was keen to impress, and I didn't think that letting rip would be the key to her heart. Two and a half years on, I'm more than making up for lost farts, and I now go out of my way to make sure she takes the full force of my offers.

For example, I called round her parent's house, only to see her in the garden crouched in front of one of the dogs. Her back was facing me so I thought this would be an excellent opportuniy to release a fart I'd been saving for her all day. So with all my stealth, I crept up, turned around and sat on her shoulders, pinning her to her knees. I flatuated with such force there were tremours in my legs, and the volume was enough to drown out the screams of anguish. I then brought my legs in front of her, locking her head in my thighs, and produced another stormer.

No sooner had I finished, my girlfriend calmly asked, "What on earth are you doing?" Imagine my surprise to find my her standing in front of me, and her mother's head between my legs.

This was two months ago, and I've been too scared to visit her parents since.
(God_of_the_mind, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 17:20, Reply)