Nigella Lawson...
...Get every bloke in the country to watch your programme religiously, by simply spending half an hour washing a cucumber.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:22, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Smash through toast-based body armor with your nerf gun bullets by sticking them to the front of 12-bore shotbun shells.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Toast
Makes ideal body Armour, if your enemies are only using 'Nerf' guns.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 11:11, Reply)

Make people think that you can do the Telegraph crossword...
...by simply filling in the spaces with any old bollocks.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 23 Sep 2012, 15:05, Reply)

Bald men! Make people think you have a head of luxuriant hair by having a naked lady straddle your head whenever you go out.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Sep 2012, 13:47, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Celebrate Monday by getting drunk.
Also applies to other days of the week.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 17 Sep 2012, 20:32, Reply)

amuse yourself AND small children
by hiding behind trees in the park, and jumping out shouting 'boo'
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 17 Sep 2012, 16:26, Reply)

Prevent premature ejaculation
by only dating fat, ugly birds. The opposite is posted below...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 17 Sep 2012, 13:36, Reply)

Prevent erectile dysfunction
by only dating proper fit birds that get you spanner hard just by eating an ice cream.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 17 Sep 2012, 13:34, Reply)

When you find old double glazed windows in a skip
quickly spray them black and nail them to your roof, so people think you actually give a shit about global warning. And think of the savings as you didn't spend 3 grand having proper solar panels attached to your roof.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 17 Sep 2012, 13:31, Reply)

Cleanse people of evil spirits by holding their head and then wiggling yours about while shouting out biblical-sounding things.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 14 Sep 2012, 11:37, Reply)

Improve your Sylvester Stallone impersonation...
...by suffering from a stroke.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 15:59, Reply)

When in an Arabic country
try not to do a double take or crack up when you first encounter a woman wearing one of these:



(I managed to keep a poker face, but it was a challenge. Why didn't someone warn me?)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 12 Sep 2012, 18:45, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Convince your friends and family that you are a hedgehog...
...by drinking milk, then pooing yourself to death.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 17:08, Reply)

Never eat corn on the cob
whilst sitting at the computer or a laptop.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 13:58, Reply)

Confuse your two dogs
by calling one 'come' and the other 'stay'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 13:57, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Confuse your cat by calling it Rover.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 9:09, Reply)

When playing in the garden...
...try not to get your ball stuck in a tree. It is painful beyond belief!!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 21:57, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Timesaving Tip
Leave a bag of Revels in the car until they melt, then put them in the fridge for a couple of hours. Hey presto! You'll have one super-Revel containing all the centres, and will be able to eat it in a few quick bites rather than fucking about eating one at a time.
(costas, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 21:35, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Make a delicious lasagne and share it with your lasagne-loving friend.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:02, Reply)

Individual boil in the bag cod in 'parsley' sauce
Just get a used condom and insert a fish finger!
(Jaffa Da Hutt cant be arsed to think of anything funny, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:41, Reply)

Become revered as a raconteur and wit
by mixing in populist circles and passing well observed, caustic and abrasive comment on prominent figures and circumstances of the day.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 7 Sep 2012, 10:57, Reply)

Clench a pen between your buttocks, and repeatedly bum shuffle over a bit of paper...
... Call your creation,
"Fifty Shades of Grey", and you'll have your very own bestseller! It worked for that E.L James woman!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 6 Sep 2012, 14:13, Reply)

Prince Charming, try to remember what the girl that you fell for actually looks like...
...That way you won't have to wander around your kingdom, forcing a shoe onto the foot of every woman that you meet.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 14:47, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Pretend that you have a telescope, by looking through a toilet roll tube...
...and standing closer to the object that you are viewing.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 23:35, Reply)

Fool your friends into thinking that you've met Alan Sugar...
...By taking a photograph of yourself holding a walnut.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 22:38, Reply)

Persuade people to give you free stuff
By getting married.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 28 Aug 2012, 17:00, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your sunglasses look like new
Make your sunglasses look like new by putting them in the top of the dishwasher on a low setting. It really works.

This is a recycled tip from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Sunday Times column in the late 90s.
( cupboardy, Fri 24 Aug 2012, 20:54, 5 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

If you don't know how much tomato purée to use in your kebab marinade
Don't put in the whole can just cos it "doesn't look that much", it will taste far too tomatoey and no one will like it and you will feel like a culinary failure
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 2:00, Reply)

A joint of roast beef
tastes a lot nicer, and is easier to eat, if you remove the string garnish before eating it. If anything, that just gets in the way...
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 22 Aug 2012, 18:06, 1 reply, 12 years ago)