The B3ta UK ManifestoWith the General Election nearly upon us, here's your chance to lay out your own manifesto for the UK. What would you do if you were in charge? Here's your chance to think big! (Or you can call for free hugs and chocolate biscuits. They're important too.)
(, Thu 23 Apr 2015, 17:23)
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THE SKAGRAN MANIFESTOI am Dr Skagra and these are my policies - a 20-point plan to make this world I happen to be trapped on a better place. Most apply only to the United Kingdom but some (e.g. 1, 5 and 15) can be rolled out worldwide. And WILL be, if you VOTE SKAGRA!
1. I, Dr Skagra, to be made Supreme Commander of the planet Earth, its territories and satellites. All my commands to be obeyed immediately on pain of painful death. An enormous castle to be built somewhere nice by the sea for me to live within and rule from.
2. The televisual representation of that time-travelling tosspot ‘Doctor Who’ to be cancelled without hope of renewal. (I realise with some distaste that I share common ground with Ukip on this matter, however, I stand by this policy.)
3. The band Razorlight, their fans, friends, families and pets to be dropped into an active volcano.
4. The Fall to compose a new National Anthem for the UK.
5. The problem of immigration / migration / overpopulation and therefore hunger, poverty, inequality etc to be solved by the simple expedient of opening up the planet to alien invasion every five years. This would reduce the population of Earth as its inhabitants are either exterminated, converted, or carted offworld to alien slave camps. The following have registered expressions of interest in this scheme: the Daleks, Cybermen, Sontarans, Ice Warriors, Slitheen, Kraals, Terileptils, Nestenes, Drahvins, Sycorax, Zygons, Krotons, Axons, Dominators, Monoids, Krillitanes, Voords, and the Taran Wood Beasts.
6. The financial crisis, the credit crunch, the recession, the national debt. I would solve this simply by abolishing money. What you use in its place is up to you to sort out, but at least you wouldn’t have to worry about mortgages, loans, credit cards, pensions, and all that shite.
7. Royal Scot biscuits to be brought back.
8. Health. As a Time Lord, I am more or less immortal. I cannot die – not even in a fire – because we Time Lords have this thing called 'regeneration', a tumultuous biological upheaval that rearranges the cells in our body, renewing and rejuvenating, giving us a body and a new personality, often wildly different to the preceding ones. And at the end of our regeneration cycle we can get given a new one if we moan enough to the High Council. You, my poor sweeties, do not have this luxury, and live astonishingly brief mayfly lives, subject to the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. I would therefore enter into an agreement with the Sisterhood of Karn to make the Elixir of Life available on the NHS, to cure all your ills and ailments, even cancer, Ebola and AIDS.
9. Education. All teachers to be allowed to discipline their pupils in any way they see fit without fear of accusation of being a peadoe. ('Nonce alert! Nonce alert!' - there, I've saved you valuable time).
10. People who lick their fingers noisily during or after eating to be dropped into oubliettes.
11. Transport. All private motor vehicles to be banned unless required by need (e.g. disability). Cycling to be made compulsory (except for those unable due to disability, old age or infirmity). I will not touch the trains because I believe you stupid pudding-brained apes deserve some suffering in your lives, however, I will make it legal for you to brutally slaughter anyone who makes undue noise in a quiet carriage.
12. Defence. See Policy no. 5.
13.
14. Slavery to be reintroduced on a lottery basis. The National Lottery is to be retooled and rebranded for this purpose. Instead of financial prizes, there will be two sets of 1000 ‘winning’ numbers each week. The losing thousand will be forced to work for the winning thousand for a period of 18 months. There will also be a ‘bonus ball’ option where ten lucky winners will be allowed to track down and murder ten unlucky losers without fear of prosecution.
15. All religion to be abolished. There’s no such thing as God, and it is extremely embarrassing for you lot that belief still persists well into the 21st century. Anyone who still clings to their religion will be executed so that they can enjoy the glory of the ‘afterlife’ they so fervently believe in.
16. A certain Antipodean gentleman who I shall not very obliquely refer to as ‘Thief Pleasantresidence’ to be allowed back onto B3ta.
17. Nigel Blackwell to be made Poet Laureate.
18. Bullying of gingers to be made punishable by death, and all ginger-haired people
19. The environment. You stupid cunts have done such a fantastic job of fucking up your own planet that there is nothing that can be done to save Earth from certain doom. Recycle all you want, but you’ve got less than a hundred years, maybe a hundred and fifty, two hundred max. I therefore propose relocation of key individuals to another planet, probably Florana. These individuals will be chosen by myself. The rest of you can remain here to perish.
20. Free pickled onions for all.
So VOTE SKAGRA sweetiesze! Actually it doesn’t matter if you do or not, because I can always raise an army of giant cybernetic octo-badgers or something to subjugate you all. Either way I win!
LAIGH8TERSZ!
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(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 16:56, 19 replies)
All I can say to this isChristopher Neame was in Licence to Kill
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$$ ✅, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 16:59,
closed)
Damned omnivooxI don't look like him any more! For a start, I'm a girl now. Think Audrey Hepburn crossed with Jacqueline Pearce, with small (but firm) pert breasts.
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(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 17:04, closed)
These are excellent.Apart from #1 and #16, which are just insane. Also dig the word "oubliette".
(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 17:37, closed)
You want to abolish money,then give free money to ginger women with green eyes?
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The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 19:02,
closed)
Thank you.You are quite correct. That is a glaring error, though not as egregious as the Green Party's copyright fiasco. I shall therefore amend Policy No. 18 to be compatible with Policy No. 6, and also achieve gender parity.
I trust I can now count on your vote, sweeetie?
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(, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 21:59, closed)
See also No. 13.
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 22:44, closed)
Oh bollocks!Fixed.
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 23:12, closed)
And before anyone points out that Policy 20 does not workin a society without money, it would, because they would be free in respect of whatever system replaces money.
So there.
For fuck's sake, even I'M thinking 'haven't you got anything better to do?!'
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 23:21, closed)
Can we reinstate policy 18 in full again. Ta.(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 18:24,
closed)
At last, someone talking sense...(
Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Sat 25 Apr 2015, 23:29,
closed)
And the right to die in a fire will be extended to everyone,not just the few of the guilty community.
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Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 26 Apr 2015, 1:55,
closed)
You have spent a lot of time on thisA man needs a hobby, and although this is a rather regrettable hobby I will click.
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The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 19:06,
closed)
Every moment he spends on here, is a moment he spends away from his local community.I think b3ta qualifies as a public service, in this respect.
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monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Apr 2015, 7:22,
closed)
Shesweeeties!
I'm a girl. With small firm pert breasts.
(, Wed 29 Apr 2015, 19:14, closed)
I agree with 6, 11, 13 and 20Some of the others are a bit daft
(, Sun 26 Apr 2015, 19:48, closed)
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