How do i get away with it?
i usually spend most of the day surfing the net for things like "brazilian farts" and suchlike. Getting away with it? i make sure i send all decent links to my boss. he and his assistant have a soft spot for tubgirl...
(danglesmurf, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 3:26, Reply)

building site skive.
i was a clerk on three building sites for Birse Construction.

Rather obviously i just told each of the three site managers that i was busy on one of the other sites. i spent massive amounts of time sleeping in my car at various scenic spots.

also obviously i got the sack.

however the stupid cow who was my boss told me to clear my office.

i cleared it all right..i sold the desk, chair and phone. threw all the files in the skip and took the desk fan home.
(robotrobotROBOT, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 2:52, Reply)

Guilt (or lack of)
I used to work in a large team of computery type people. It was one of those places where you didn't have your own desk, you sat wherever, thus I was always at a different computer every day.

It was SO boring. The computers were old, and slow, and all I did was stare at html. But there was literally no way to skive. The boss wandered round the desks keeping an eye on us, and there were were no radios/windows/talking allowed. Hmm.

So I figured a great way to skive - kick the power cable out the back of whichever crappy computer I was on, thus enabling me to stand up, fiddle with the wires etc. Oh well, it was something to do.

Sadly the story doesn't end here. After kicking the power cable out of a computer a few times ('it must have dust in the power supply...'(what!!?)) the computer stopped working. Oops.

Three fried computers later, the office was considering getting a whole new suite of them. Hah.

And then I pointed out to my boss that none of the computers were PAT tested and I'm lucky not to have been electrocuted, I could sue, blah... Cue panic and large rectifying cost.

No apologies for size or amount of evil.
(b3tasux, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 2:04, Reply)

uni
4 years of uni almost over, dissertation due in on tuesday, 0 words written this semester. So what am I doing? Reading up on skiving of course.
(gerg, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 1:41, Reply)

smart one
a buddy of mine spent a few years working on the building sites in london and some great stories . . . a friend of his took the biscuit for creative labour avoidance techniques . . . he got the job one day of working with the surveyors , you know you see two guys some distance apart , one with a stick held vertically and the other chap with a camera type object on a tripod , this chap got the role involving holding the stick. Come end of the day he decided he'd hold onto the stick. The surveyors had done their job in the day but our lad continued to stand around at various locations around the site with his stick , whistling loudly and smoking b&hs . . . cunt got away with it for a few weeks before the foreman copped . . . he got promoted to management.
(The Cats Twat, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 1:08, Reply)

SKIVING
back when we had practical courses at uni, me and another big scruffy guy with the same forename agreed that we could get away with attending alternate weeks for a practical class on a Monday afternoon. We came a bit unstuck after a Bank Holiday when we both turned up for the first time, cos we got out of sync.
(etchi, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 0:50, Reply)

Not much slacking-off,
really, but our school has plenty of "free lessons" - no students are booked in.
This usually means we have to find something constructive to do, as it isn't considered free time.
I often find that telling the office staff that I'm going to the loo can buy me at least a 15 minute break, 20 if they're with a customer and thus distracted. Not much, but I can have a smoke, get some sun (our school doesn't have any windows!!) and relax.
I can also use the excuse that I'm buying resources. Some time later - "Oh, I couldn't find it! Sorry I took so long!" This works well with the boss.
When the boss isn't at work, we just sit around and talk shit, and save any jobs for when she's there.
Worst thing is, I can't chuck a sickie because, due to the wonders of company accommodation, I share a place with the boss ...
(Celerydemon, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 0:37, Reply)

I used to get very wound up by skivers
when working as a lifeguard, since being short on poolside meant staying put for 4 hours or more, which was fantastic if you were outside in the summer (basically being paid to flirt with sunbathing lasses) but dull as funt on the training pool and pure hell at the bottom of the slides. So I joined them in getting stoned out by the bins, and thus ceased to be wound up. Strangely, nobody ever drowned.
( same as yours, but on fire will explosively decompress on, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 0:28, Reply)

Interweb
When skiving on the 'net at work, i find wearing a frown and making the occaisional tuts and sighs makes it all the more believable! Also wiggling the mouse and clicking in random places adds to the effect.

I keep getting emails about how impressed people are with my work! HAH!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 0:13, Reply)

PG Tips
Yes, many many years ago I had a temp job at the company that makes the tea that those chimps loved so much. It was about £1.20 an hour, so you can guess how long ago it was.

My job was delivering the post in the head office and it went like this ....
On the hour, load up the trolley with all the mail, mosey round 2 or 3 floors handing out the post and chatting to the lovely ladies. At quarter past the hour, return to the postroom and sort out the collected post. The next 44 minutes were spent reading, chatting, smoking and drinking tea.

No skiving necessary, that was the job, bloody fantastic.

One bloke, an old union guy was 'let go', because they thought it would be a good idea to use a little of the free time to print up some envelopes with shareholders addresses on, about 30 mins a day - and the twunt refused to do it on the grounds it wasnt in his job description !!
(gpl, Fri 29 Apr 2005, 0:02, Reply)

Supermarket Checkouts
One way of getting out of work is to deliberately sabotage the till, usually by unpluging some random cable, and spend the next 2 hours watching the checkout manager rewire and swap over every component in the till before working out what had happened. "looks a loose connection" is the usual response. Ive been doing this for 4 months now and its only recently they have started to catch on...

Another technique is to suddenly bend down and 'clean the floor of the till' whenever a customer walks past, making it look like the till is closed. Fun days...
(bang, and the dirt is gone, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 23:03, Reply)

Manipulating men
my supervisor told me that, basically, he wants me.. but hes engaged.
so we cannot have a formal relationship, but if i offer to refill the milk (working in a small supermarket) i often find him in the fridge waiting for me everytime i need another trolley so we can have a bit of a grope :)

that and trolley jousting
(fluffytail, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 22:54, Reply)

I go to the Job Centre for 5 minutes every fortnight.

It works out at about a grand an hour, and I don't even have to wear a tie.
( B3tan Housewife, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 22:25, Reply)

Old biddies
I used to be a doctor. When I couldn't be bothered diagnosing the annoying old biddies that came to my surgery, I simply administered them excessive doses of diamorphine. I was doing this for decades until some meddling crematorium worker got suspicious.

I'm dead now. That's the biggest skive of all.
(McFlooble, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 22:17, Reply)

Whisky
I managed to drink myself into about £1500 worth of debt last year so needed money fast, so i started bottling whisky. Jackpot.

Basically my job was to watch the capsulator (which puts the foil hat on over the cork on bottles) and make sure it didnt score any of the foil capsules, or crinkle them. As were 4 others down the line, so i left them to do it. For 50 hours a week.

My day went thus: Arrive 7.30, start machine. watch for about 90 mins, 20 minute break. repeat until 5.30pm, go home. For £8.11 an hour, it was fucking sweet and all the taxman could lift off me was £30 a week NI, as i was on a student tax code. Dull, but for £330ish a week after deductions, you cant really whinge.
(Rushy, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Work Theory vs Reality
I keep a paper log of my activities in my dayplanner. However, it is largely theoritical.

Here's what it says for today:

715 arrive at work
715 - 730 look at emails
730 - 800 answer snail mail
800 - 900 take required on-line IT security awareness training
900 - 1300 go to field to set up ecology experiment
1300 - 1330 lunch
1330 - 1600 conduct pesticide residue soil analysis extractions
1600 - 1700 review and proofread paper

Sounds like I'm a great worker, huh? Well, here' what it should say:

715 wonder if coming in at 723 counts as coming in at 715
723 - 730 look at co-worker Guy's new car: a sporty mid-life crisis that will do about 200 miles an hour
730 - 745 read emails, including one from Frederick's of Hollywood's summer bra sale
745 - 800 actually reply to snail mail
800 - 830 actually take required IT security awareness training. Have to start over when the system kicks me off
830 - 900 BS with co-worker Lee about Guy's new car
900 - 905 call contractor about addition to house
905 - 910 call musician about wedding music
910 - 930 BS with Sarah and Stephanie about Guy's new car
930 - call Nathan at the lab, tell him to get his boots on and be ready to go the the feild by 1000
930 - 1000 change clothes, go to pick up Nathan, getting coffee on the way
1015 - 1100 actually work
1100 - 1115 Stand around in the woods and BS with Nathan about Guy's new car
1115 - 1200 actually finish work
1200 - 1230 stand around truck in the woods BS-ing about on-line dating (where I found Setimrette) and how there are no women to date within 100 miles (hence my 3 hour drive to see Setimrette)
1230 - 1245 BS with boss about Guy's new car
1245 - 1300 BS with Sarah and Stephanie about Guy's new car
1300 - 1345 my 30 minute lunch
1345 - 1350 quick wank thinking about getting Stephanie from behind over the hood of Guy's new car
1350 - 1400 check out new B3ta QOTW
1400 - 1420 write out list of theoretical and actually work activities
1420 - 1315 conduct the first part of pesticide residue soil extractions
1315 - 1330 B3ta too busy to come up. Go to Jay Leno's Headlines webpage
1330 - 1345 log onto B3ta and type lengthy answer to QOTW
1345 debate if going to Wal-Mart could count as work or if I should wait
1345 - 1350 revise errors in lengthy B3ta QOTW answer
1350 Decide to finish soil extractions and Wal-Mart can wait
Will probably be back to B3ta before I leave. maybe I'll proofread the paper, or not.

Do you believe they pay me to do this stuff?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 21:50, Reply)

Like Icicle thingybob below
Skiving at my school is bleeding easy.
Best thing is to get notes for PE to do IT coursework. So as well as freeing up lunches, I get to arse about on t'interweb :)
Anthony Hell is naff. Officially.
( Greenbat, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 21:42, Reply)

skivving
To be honest I dont really do it too often but I have heard "others", whilst on a back shift, by some psychic process, all come to some unspoken agreement just to sit about in other peoples offices and do bugger all except desk surf, an activity I am "aware" of, as I too, (when I worked for a well known high street bookstore chain), have found out a few handy bits of job protecting info from the bosses desk,

Or, "they" character asasinate the others and read their personell files! Oh, the stuff I am sure "they" have seen...

Needless to say when the next shift come in "they" all look like "they" have been working for ages.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 21:34, Reply)

ridiculous
Well I don't skive off at work, but I find I'm doing decreasingly less work at school. Our school is ridiculous. Today we were drinking spirits in the common room. But I still get A's!
(mrmistoffeles, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:48, Reply)

The easy way to skive
Step one: obtain desk in a corner.

Step two: point monitor away from coleagues.

Step three: and relax.

So, so easy.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:40, Reply)

Shit - that's _my_ life...
You hacked into my webcam or something???
(b3ta2, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:39, Reply)

very lazy
when i was 14 i was a bit of a tearaway, and liked nothing better than to have a nice smoke with my friends. i often had a sore throat and was so lethargic that my mother took me to the doctor and they tested me for glandular fever. the test came back negative, but i told my school that i had it. i missed every games lesson for the rest of my school career.
(kitten nest, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:18, Reply)

I got fired because of this website
My last job was working in a storage warehouse.8hr day ,but my work only took about 5 hrs to do and then it was time to find something to pass the time.joy riding on forklifts ,chatting to those who were working hard and making fun.I was about 5 months into the job and becoming more daring with my slacking off.There was a computer at the top of the warehouse beside the main office and it was used for emailing delivery reports and stuff.so, i thought id surf the web and maybe play some games for a few minutes.I remembered this website and thought 'this il be good for laughs'.I went to the games page and brought up the 'top ten cutest kittens(the boss is a cunt) video.thinking how hilarious it was, i went to show a co-worker only to return to,not to my boss(he had a good sense of humour) but rather his boss, the owner of the warehouse.he went straight to an office at the back of the building and called me in.No amount of apology or arse licking could get me out of it.Back to unemployment...
(asbad, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:10, Reply)

Being a priest.......
......means that while I'm working I can simply close my eyes and skive. If anyone asks me what I'm doing I always tell them that I'm praying :)

What's even funnier is that I don't actually believe in God!
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 20:06, Reply)

When I
was at college after my GCSE's, I did a BTEC in Business and Finance. Being a muso type, playing in bands etc, I wanted to do some sort of music/media course. But no, was forced into Business and Finance by a mother who was keen to get me into a suit and proper job(NB I'm now 30, and she's STILL trying!). It goes without saying that this course was quite possibly the dullest thing any soul has had to endure. Two fucking years!! By the start of the second year, I'd just about had enough so decided to stop going in. Now the Mother worked in London and did not get back home til 7-7.30 in the evening. I figured that they'd never call outside of college hours, and thus I was safe. Alas, after about 6 months the head of year called up late one evening. Cue call from my Mum to me at a mates house (pre mobile phones) giving me the biggest bollocking of my life. I had to into college with my Dad to explain myself and be told I'd failed and I could fuck right off! Quick thinking on my part concocted a story about how I had been suffering from anxiety, coming to college made me feel sick, psychological blah blah. This is what a mate had really had when we were at school. So I took myself off to the doctors, fed him some bull about having had a few days off as I was ill, needed a doctors note otherwise I'd be expelled. He relented and gave me a note saying I'd had 13 days off. Took said note and a remarkably similar pen and then the note said 131 days! He he he. Head of year fell for it hook, line and sinker. And to help matters, a guy in my class basically did ALL of my work for me as he was really good at it and didn't want me to fail. Bless him. I would have done if not for him. Now becuase I scraped a pass, it got me a job at a finance company. I was the genral dogsbody type, and took care of the more mundane duties. However one of these duties was to go to the bank to pay the cheques in. Nice, get out of the office for a bit. People started getting me to pick stuff up for them in town. Cleaning, food etc. The banking took 10-15 max, and bearing in mind if I wasn't there my boss would do it, for two years it took me an hour everyday. I would wander round town, or as I lived in the town centre, go home, have a cuppa and a bite to eat and a spliff, then wander back to the office for 45 mins, then go home. No-one ever said a word, ever! They must have known, but still never pulled me up on it! Result!
God, I ramble......sorry!
( D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 28 Apr 2005, 19:40, Reply)

school's out...
a friend of mine is a teacher. his school was recently fitted out with lots of new networked computers, with free broadband access given to the pupils at breaktimes. a few months afterwards, the headteacher wanted to know what sorts of websites the children were looking at so he asked the head of IT to give him a summary of the access log from the last few weeks.
turns out the most viewed website was the jobs section of the times educational supplement.
(fay, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 19:37, Reply)

well
I work in a horribly run coffee shop in a large wholesale store, as such, most of the customers we get are utter cnuts. "I run a coffee shop myself, we have better coffee than this", *in head* "then cock off back to your own coffee shop then you tit"

Anyway, i digress into incoherant ramblings of how i despise customers.

Skiving: Very easy where I work. I NEVER clock out for my breaks, these breaks usually last twice as long as they should (as the shop is really understaffed they can never afford to send people to come get me back) only bad part of this being that the store is huge and located on an industrial estate so there's nowhere to go.

Ummm... also in the evenings, there's usually 2 staff members on at the very most. When i started, i was with a guy the same age as me (18) so we just took it in turns to skive. We discovered that it's very nice to sit in the chiller for an hour or so eating anything you find in there and drinking whatever hasn't been put out for the customers. During these chiller sessions, the other person would work as normal, though on one evening, the big boss of all the chain of stores came to see the coffee shop while i was in the chiller, he was told i was out getting some packs of crisps or something for the customers, after a while when we'd switched around i told him the other guy was on the toilet, he was none the wiser.

We also spent time devising the stupidest contests / dares ever to kill the 4 hours we were stuck there. Some notable ones included: the raw egg eating challenge (caused me to throw up) the chilli powder snorting game, throwing pepper in eachother's faces untill one chickened out, freezing amusingly shaped blocks of ice, drinking the runoff from all the drinks machines combined and of course the ever classic "who can drink a huge slush puppie the fastest without collapsing into a crumpled heap"

That last one hurts.
(mrcheese989, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 18:44, Reply)

ice cream van
Im an ice cream man when i cant be bothered with serving the kiddies I play my music n the poor poor mis-guided souls think Iv run out of ice cream....... its an easy life
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 18:42, Reply)

Worked at KFC for a while.
It was my job to clean the grease from the equipment and wash all the trays in the sink. Anyone that's worked in fast food will tell you this is one of the most horrible jobs you could have. I devised a plan, based on the fact that removing the mesh stopper from the sink drain would allow the grease and chicken to clog up the grease trap in the basement, which would overflow and flood the basement. I could hide down there for hours pretending to mop the floors while eating popcorn chicken and drinking coke syrup.

Don't eat there on tuesdays. Trust me.
( cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 18:40, Reply)

Working for a boss who isn't there
has it's perks, for about a year I had a boss who was based in another part of the country and was always in meetings, it was a new role when I started so I could off load all the work I did have onto others.

It got even better when one of the team left and I was asked if I wanted their job, essentially it meant visiting three places somewhere in the midlands each day, see if they wanted a cash machine and then feck off home, the company car and lunch allowance were great perks so I'd do the week's quota in a couple of days and the visit mates the rest of the time.
(inkworm, Thu 28 Apr 2005, 18:09, Reply)