NTL - Not so much plagiarism as providing a template
I'm sure a lot of you will have seen this already, but for those who haven't, don't read it whilst you're on a conference call.

Length? it's too big, I'll put it in the reply (but be patient).
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:32, 15 replies)

Here you go:
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:32, closed)

Can you not
manually insert
line breaks like that?

Leave it liquid so that
it doesn't break
when I use Readability or
resize the window.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:38, closed)

Sorry
It was a quick cut 'n' paste job. People had complained on an earlier post that the story wasn't in the reply as stated, so I was trying to avoid any complaints...obviously didn't work!
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:42, closed)

Hopefully
That's a little better?
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:00, closed)

Hooray!

( Bob Todd whee, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:12, closed)

think that was mine possibly
Sorry
(Kip, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:52, closed)

May I be the first to say.. (Edit....or perhaps, second. Arse gravy.)
...I like this. Largely because I too endured their piss-awful service. Unfortunately I didn't have a cat at the time though. Still don't. Maybe it should be a prerequisite?
(Tighthead, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:39, closed)

Try getting one from Coventry
I hear they're throwing them away there
(RTFM May your god go with you, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 16:44, closed)

I don't know why people waste their time writing this shit
The lols (if there are any) are lost on the admin staff as past the term of reference they're fully justified in tossing it into the nearest bin, which as the path of least resistance is certainly what happens. If you don't like a service then fuck off somewhere else and stop wasting your own time.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 18:33, closed)

You're a complete carpet aren't you?

( rjmrjm, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:25, closed)

Being a lolwaki Prick gets you nowhere, and only serves in wasting your own time
Why not write correspondence particularising your areas of dissatisfaction, ideally referring to the terms of contract whether express or implied, as this may get you somewhere if you're intent on pursuing a matter. Writing gash tl;dr pieces of 'zany' crap simply leaves you looking like a prick, which I guess is what you are.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 19:36, closed)

this^

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:42, closed)

More like an offcut.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 20:22, closed)

A friend of mine
Voiced his complaint to NTL by visiting their Rugby offices after eating a big Mac and large fries ,washed down with a strawberry milkshake, gagged down a liter of saline solution and promptly threw up all over the reception area,and then informed them to be carful when cleaning as he has hepatitis c .
( bane, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:33, closed)

hahahahahahahahahaha
fucking beautiful
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 21:42, closed)