My Father Versus the Church of England
This tale was originally posted as a flabbergasted rant on /offtopic. I thought I'd share it with you as it involves my dad, as per this week's question. My mother reported the following a couple of months ago by email:

Mama and Papa Crow live next door to a church. The Crow family unit would be best described as "atheist," but we try to live and let live and let the god-botherers waste their Sunday mornings next door.

Unfortunately, said bible-bashers have a habit of parking their myriad cars (or, increasingly, unnecessary 4x4s) outside my folks' house. Not a problem, until they start parking in front of the driveway, which they have a habit of doing without a moment's thought - they have obviously decided that my folks will be in the same church at the same time as them, and will therefore not need to get the car in or out of the drive. Or just because they're inconsiderate cock-munchers.

On this particular Sunday morning, Mama Crow had to pop out to fetch some groceries, and returned to find that one such inconsiderate knobjockey had parked just over the side of the driveway. Just enough that when Mama Crow tried to squeeze her car around his, she realised there was not enough space, clipped the car on the wall and dented the door, at which point she had to give up, park the car at the other end of the road and carry a bootful of groceries to the house from there.

The generally more short-tempered Papa Crow was distinctly less than impressed by this turn of events. When he saw the owner of the obstruction, he stormed out of the house and demanded to know why the selfish arse couldn't park further up the road, i.e., not obstructing anybody else's driveway, and walk the remaining distance to the church. Mama Crow reports a lot of shouting. Apparently after pointing out that his wife has had to park at the other end of the road and carry the groceries back to the house from there, and that one of them will later have to go and retrieve the car from the other end of the road once these selfish gits have cleared enough space to allow access to the driveway, Papa Crow was met with the rebuttal of
"Well, at least I go to church."

At least I go to church. Jesus tittyfucking donkey-bumming christ, I shall remain eternally surprised that my father did not thump him. What kind of smug, patronising, sanctimonious, holier-than-fucking-thou logic is that? "I'm a good, godly little soul who goes to church on a Sunday and therefore it is right and proper that I should be an inconvenience to nasty sinners like yourselves"? How does going to church every week give you a divine right to behave like a selfish, inconsiderate baby-wipe-the-day-after-a-kebab-vindaloo? Is there a passage, buried somewhere in the depths of the bible, which says that all the good little believers must spread the word of the lord by seeking out the unbelievers, yea, and being unto them a nuisance? And then being as skin-crawlingly sanctimonious as possible when confronted about it?

I was tempted to ask my mother whether this pious little shit-frotter was driving a Honda Accord, but I don't think she'd have understood the reference.

/end rant
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 18:14, 14 replies)

Sadly you're not allowed to trash cars blocking your way.
Apparently you're not allowed to move anything onto or off your own property unless any random cunt who feels like spoiling your day says so.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 18:20, closed)

No but
you are more than able to stick a banana up their exhaust pipes whilst they are 'with God'. When they emerge and kick up a fuss something along the lines of 'I saw some kids mucking about near your car whilst you were praying. You think your god would have mentioned it to you...or maybe he thinks you're an inconsiderate oaf too!' should soothe even the most frayed of Christian nerves.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 30 Nov 2010, 18:37, closed)

Get them towed. Worked for me on many an occasion.
(Large Hardon Collider Bah Bloody Humbug, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 0:06, closed)

A bunch of people on bicycles come buy and run a screwdriver down my friend's car door
because he was doing the un-pious act of driving his car on the streets while they were protesting cars on streets. Apparently, all that tarmac and engineering is best reserved for bikes.

The point is, you are going to get the brain dead in all creeds, colors, religions, beliefs. I agree with the banana in the tailpipe, though: www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sRhm3SsdHM

you are going to hell you atheist crow - sorry, couldn't resist
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 18:57, closed)

"Is there a passage, buried somewhere in the depths of the bible, which says that all the good little believers must spread the word of the lord by seeking out the unbelievers, yea, and being unto them a nuisance?"
Well, yes. It's in there someplace and it what fill the Pentecostals with piss and the Baptists with vinegar. They think their god commands them to go out and convert the heathens and save them, and they merrily quote some gibberish out of their book as reason. I live in the buckle of the Bible Belt in the US, and it's ugly being agnostic/atheist.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 20:55, closed)

Bloody hell, how do you cope?
Joking aside, how bad is it? I've heard plenty of horror stories about people being shunned or actively abused for being agnostic/atheist, but what are people's general reactions like in those parts?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 12:16, closed)

Next time
Walk into the church, get a few steps up the aisle in the middle, far enough for you to get some people's attention, then announce:

"Would the owner of the red Honda Accord please move his car, it is blocking people in."

Turn, and walk out.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 22:17, closed)

She's a good Christian doing her bit in the war against Islam - sorry, terror.
Ungodly heathens like you and your family are all potential traitors, you know. If you're allowed to go round unmonitored, who knows what your type will get up to?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 0:28, closed)

Get your dad to draw a chalk pentagram on the road outside the drive,
or something like this, hismin.com/images/goat2.jpg. See if they still park on it....
( mikemystery blames the parents, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 1:55, closed)

Or paint 'Reserved for Satan' on the edge of the pavement

( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 11:35, closed)

Clicked
Top story; but mainly liked for the phrase "being unto them a nuisance".
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 7:37, closed)

clicky, clicky.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 12:46, closed)

I think my reply would have been
"At least I'm a decent human being"
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 13:11, closed)

Mine would have been
"Do you have even the most basic understanding of the Christian principles you mouth parrot-fashion every Sunday without stopping for a second to consider the meaning of what you are saying, or are you like the rest of the sheeple in your flock who go home to stuff themselves with roast pepper and rocket salad in front of their plasma-screen TVs whilst leafing through the Daily Heil and tutting about all those homeless people making a mess of their nice clean pavements?"

Or something in a similar vein.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 16:58, closed)