Ok, so I'm sure lots of these stories start with "getting married"...
The stupidest thing I've ever done is try and be something I'm not to fit in with girls I've gone out with. My last 3 girlfriends were all older than me and had kids, and over the time I was with each of them I tried to accommodate what they wanted and told myself that I was happy making compromises because that's what life's all about.

The worst of the 3 was the last one (who I actually married); in the 3 years I was with her I practically lost contact with quite a few of my friends and even some of my family because she either didn't like them, didn't want to meet them or had always got things planned for us to do so that I didn't have the time.

I play guitar (not in a band at the moment, through moving to Derby and not knowing anyone, but I will be in a band again). With my wife, although she knew I was in a band before we got married, she decided that rehearsing once a week and playing a gig every couple of months meant that I was away from her as much as could be tolerated and if I started getting more gigs then I'd have to decide where my priorities were and probably leave the band at that point... there are many more examples but I don't want this to just turn into a rant.

Now, I'm living with another b3tan, and we get on like a house on fire. We've been together since May and we haven't had one argument or fight. We love each other's company and most importantly, we respect each other's individual interests and needs. I can go and rehearse without feeling like I need to hurry back or else, and if I get gigs all over the place that will be cool (and ironically because of this I don't want to be out playing all the time). Similarly, we can both go out and see our friends and we both understand that it's not always essential that we do this together; she's off to London for a couple of days in January to see her friend and that's totally cool.

For the first time, I can be myself and it feels great to be accepted for that, without having to try and be what someone else wants me to be.

So... I'm not advising you all to go home and leave your partners if you're not happy, but make sure that it's not you who's doing all the compromising, make sure you're being allowed to live your life too.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:07, 17 replies)

if not being yourself it's just wrong.
i'm glad you've found someone you're happy with.
mwah
( ivesb Highly specialised Clinical Physiologist crapbag, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:10, closed)

Awwwwwww
This is all fluffy and lovely.

I endorse this heartily with my click.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:50, closed)

Your experience sounds entirely too familiar.
I'd wager that you're as glad to be rid of your harpy as I was to be rid of mine.

And I'd further bet that you're as happy with your new partner as I am with mine...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 12:26, closed)

Loon:
Check

and Check!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 12:44, closed)

"This above all - to thine own self be true"
as Shakespeare said.
If anyone reads the post and does realise that that is them - *do* leave your partner. Do it gracefully, especially if you have kids together, but go.
Life is too short to be unhappy. People told me I was brave when I left my ex. I told them they were braver to stay in relationships that made them unhappy and which weren't going to get any better.
Sad how few couples seem really happy. Sadder still to see people stuck in the same repetitive cycle year after year after year. To end with another quote:
"and then one day you find
10 years have got behind you
no-one told you when to run
you missed the starting gun"
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 12:57, closed)

The memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime.
(As long as we're quoting Pink Floyd here...)

The Lunatic Artist and I have discussed this topic many times, as we're both divorced and damned glad of it. We had similar experiences in that our spouses were not good fits for us, that their goals and ideals were not really the same as our own, and we both look back on our previous marriages with a frisson of horror as we recall what we put up with. (In my case, a lot of yelling, guilt trips, being told how much of a fuckup I am, waking at midnight when she got home from work and hearing her slamming things around in the kitchen because I left a beer bottle on the counter, and things far less pleasant than that...)

I believe that the rise in divorce is due to better communication and more options for people- where the previous generations tended to stay in bad relationships out of ignorance or fear or social and religious pressure, today people talk about domestic abuse and how no one deserves to put up with it. Our generations only seem to be more fucked up than previous ones, because now we're more willing to talk about depression and abuse and dealing with alcoholic spouses.

In short- I agree completely with the initial post.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 13:18, closed)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!
bless you both :)
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 13:33, closed)

While I heartily agree with this...
...do be careful of clinging to the "no arguments" thing too hard. I clung to it with my first girlfriend, and looking back it was because I was doing exactly what you describe - being a lapdog. We didn't have any arguments because she was happy getting her way 100% of the time and I didn't want to make an issue out of things that I really, really should have made an issue about.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 14:29, closed)

I hear what you're saying misanthrope...
...but the reason we haven't had any arguments so far is we haven't had a difference of opinion. I'm sure there will be things we disagree on but so far we're like male and female versions of the same person =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 14:40, closed)

Yay!
But I'm not sure it's wholly true we have never disagreed, we certainly have, just not in any way that ended in an argument.

Part of the whole 'don't be a lapdog' deal is having your own opinions and respecting that others do too, disagreeing isn't the end of the world so long as you can listen with an open mind and try to act only on that.
( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 15:33, closed)

We haven't disagreed!

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:06, closed)

Yes we have!

( Jessie © needs pirate name suggestions, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:06, closed)

No we haven't!
=D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:07, closed)

My thoughts...
I have noticed that men who end up in abusive relationships have no-one else to blame but themselves. They let themselves be put-upon thinking that they just want a quiet life. This rings true for women also. If love is ending up like that then fuck love!! I'd rather live with lust and friendship.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:13, closed)

@ BGB
Yes, I think there's some truth in that...I certainly 'allowed' my ex's family to treat me in an entirely shoddy manner (notice how even now I have to dress it up in posh language :/ ). And in turn my ex allowed his father in particular to push him around, still does in fact.

And it's true that some of us do seem to continually make the same mistakes over and over again.

I hope for my part that I'm done with that and I know who I am and what I want.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 0:39, closed)

this reply thread....
....makes me smile.
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 13:10, closed)

awwww
This made me feel all warm and such.

Have a *click*
(Ryua lacks his tail and pointy ears, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 6:07, closed)