A few years ago, after my mum had died, but before that retarded girl got raped, must have been about time my wife was diagnosed with cancer, my wife said to me “Strewth, you smell worse than that time you confused the dunny for the wash basin”. Working as a carer, personal hygiene has always be important to me. My mum taught me to wash myself in preparation for boarding school when I was 14, and to this day I’ve never forgotten how to do it. Stung into action by my wife’s comment I rushed to the bathroom, repeating my wife’s advice “don’t wash yer face in the basin with a seat yer fucking idiot” I decided to take drastic action and have a bath. In less than an hour I’d removed the old newspapers and whatnot from the tub and was ready.
The whole thing was a revelation. The warm water, the soap, it was amazing. As the hours passed by the water soaked into my pores and took on the colour of well brewed tea. It happened accidently at first, some of the water splashed into my mouth and I got a taste. It was tangy and salty and earthy. It tasted like the boys changing rooms at school smelt after 2 hours of rugby. Before I knew what I was doing I was gulping down this heady brew. The taste, the smell the memories! It was gushing down my throat, pint after pint. After about 3 gallons I could drink no more and slumped back into my own gravy, my whole body gently pulsating with pleasure. The sudden relaxation proved to be my downfall as the combination of a monstrous erection and bladder set to burst took me unawares and with a gargling scream of ecstasy I pissed in my own mouth.
(ringofyre, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:47, 16 replies)

This to win please.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 11:56, closed)

^ this

(Nanny Pat vote for me, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:08, closed)

^ this

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:17, closed)

^ this to the power of this

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:22, closed)

Yeah cheers, I feel ill now

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:03, closed)

Cool.
Wanna puke on my cock?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:20, closed)

Glorious.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:14, closed)

Splendid.
If this doesn't win I'm going to bomb the MODs' dogs.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:16, closed)

alright, brigadyre

(alright alright, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 12:41, closed)

*yawn*
Gave up at "Strewth", but commented anyway.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 13:42, closed)

Try harder, it's a brilliant parody of the fat attention seeking wanker.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 14:31, closed)

Could you narrow it down a bit more, please?

( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 14:47, closed)

"Flogging a dead horse"
is the phrase that comes to mind.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 14:55, closed)

True. 8 posts in 4 months is an abuse of other peoples' screen space.

(ringofyre, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 15:12, closed)

This is all going wonderfully

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Fri 9 Aug 2013, 13:59, closed)

Alright Brigadier?

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 14 Aug 2013, 6:13, closed)