LOLcat impressions
If i'm helping out on the front desk at XS Malarkey When asking people for money, I like to go "that's £5, pleasekaythanks". It's stupid and simple, but it makes me giggle inside.
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:17, 5 replies)

The Amazing 'Pok Pok'
This is something which requires extreme body control, and it is certainly something to try
at home, when no one's around. Prefferably when you just finished showering..

It's basically the technique of slamming your manly bit against your lower belly, but with an
added difficulty: the challenge is to make it slap your underbelly TWICE in ONE swing:
Your member should NOT land in its 'hanging' position in between slaps.
It all comes down to thrusting your body forward right after the first slap, or 'pok'
which induces a second 'pok'. Hence the name.

For optimal results, it needs to be half-erect. You know, the state in which it is when
it's not fully erect, but it sure has 'grown'..

When properly executed, it will make you proud of your physical control!
( c_kick or, as some people call him, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:16, 3 replies)

Today is Pi Day.
I'm going to use it as an excuse to eat as many pies as possible.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:16, 3 replies)

Rage Against the Knopf!
One of my many musical ventures at present is a Rage Against the Machine tribute act, with three other guys I know from university about five years ago. Our drummer got married last year, and at the obligatory post-reception disco he had hired a soul band to go through the motions and please the inlaws with the usual Dusty Springfield rubbish.

They packed up at about 11pm and the groom stuck on a mix CD he had put together for the occasion. The first track was "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits.

Cue the astonishing sight of all the old grannies shuffling away from the dancefloor as fast as their zimmer frames could manage, only for an entire Rage Against the Machine Tribute band, wearing tuxedos, performing not just air guitar to the Knopf's masterpiece, but putting on a complete *air band*, with bass, drums and vocals. Turns out we knew all the lyrics, and in fact we were air-banding with the correct chords, and, in one case, the correct drum patterns.

Many of the people present have never spoken to us again.
(Axeman Jim, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:12, Reply)

you can read me like a book
I like to narrate my own existence. In the third person. And slightly film noir.

Just now, as I returned from the shop, a little voiceover in my head said something along the lines of:
"She walked the cracked and buckled pavement home from the shop. The rain slid from her eyelashes like tears".

That kind of crap.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:10, 9 replies)

My brother's guilty pleasure
Is letting people out of sidestreets whenever he can with a polite wave and a smile.

Why is this a guilty pleasure?

He drives a brand new BMW 5 series.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:08, 1 reply)

Shouting up the stairs to my Mum, but replacing "Muuuuuum!" with "Buuuuum!"
Then loving it when she replies thinking i've said Mum. Childish, but it makes me titter. I don't live at home anymore, but i still find the time to do this at Christmas and other trips home.

A bit more farfetched is calling out Dad, but replacing with Nads!
( Peach Motorbike I hate the cut of your jib, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:01, 4 replies)

My mums shopping list...
Every Friday, my Mum does "the big shop". Luckily for me, and to her dismay, I have Friday mornings off college.

Friday is also my mothers "do the cleaning day".

Whilst she's upstairs hoovering up the weeks accumulated dust, I love to add a few things to her shopping list in her hand writing.

Amongst the 'pots , toms and fags' I include stuff like- KY Jelly, Dildo, Whipped cream, spunk rags, pr0n etc etc. I also add 'big present for Ashley' for Ashley is my name.

Each week I await the yellow taxi bringing her home for my 'big present'. Mostly I just have to do with the KY Jelly.
(pinacolada, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 13:00, Reply)

And there is more...
1 - Watching Hollyoaks. Despite it's many flaws of being: very unrealistic, nobody looks skint, everybody is tarted up as if they are going out on the sauce, etc. I set my Hard Drive recorder to "series link" record it. Shameful!

2 - Nigella Lawson. I did think there was something wrong with me for being into her, until a couple of other mates of mine come forward. I mean, what a top piece of totty; all dark haired and sultry, cracking chebs and being an awesome cook. Just think, she would cook you the most awesome foodstuffs known to mankind and is bound to be "a right goer" in the bedroom. "Schwing!" - as they say in Wayne's World...
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:55, 9 replies)

Kitten Tossing
It's not as nasty as it may sound! I just like throwing them up in the air a little...maybe 6-10 inches, just as one would with a baby! They dont seem to mind and remain healthy throughout. I like the way their little legs waggle.


I havent dropped one yet!
(Flambe_McSpastard will charge $30 for gay bum rape today, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:52, 3 replies)

eating
peanut butter and gherkins on toast.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:44, 8 replies)

Running and skidding on laminate flooring in my socks.
I'm 30 years old and it is still as much fun as it was as a child.
( BindiBaji, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:32, 9 replies)

Naff games
Sure, I have a supersonic computer with a spankingly spectacular graphics card, but there's nothing quite like the basic pleasures of Puzzle Pirates, hours and hours of it.

Oh yeah, and I love a good spanking.
(MsZuzu, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:29, 1 reply)

the Joy of Lovejoy
The best bit is when, suddenly out of no-where, lovejoy turns to the camera and gives forth some shite nugget of plot that somehow doesn't seem to be relevant. It just adds a weird situation, not seen before or since, despite how wacky hollyoaks tries to get..

80's Genius.
(poofly, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:23, 7 replies)

I'm doing this at the moment
I'm holding in a shit until I really need to go, so that it's all the more satisfying when I do eventually drop the kids off at the pool.

I'm sure it's not good for me, but WTF.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:15, Reply)

Sure to get a load of piss taking at work over this..
By typing that, I've invited the pisstaking..

But, my guilty pleasure. Watching Jeremy Kyle and thanking fuck I am nothing like any of his guests.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 12:10, Reply)

fake women
I'm a sensitive young man - educated, liberal, open-minded. Having lived with a few, I have a lot of respect for women and try to treat them respectfully. If I'm going to ogle, try to do it without making them feel uncomfortable. I don't look at cleavages while addressing a girl. And I like intelligent women with opinions and strength of character.

But when it comes to lusting over pictures of nudey women, I'm a sucker for the Playboy archetype. Oversized tits. Blonde hair. Photoshopped skin - might as well be a cartoon. Fake tan? Love it. Dead eyes? All the better. Submissive poses that invite a rough and meaningless rogering? My preference. These aren't women - they're images of women, abstracts of women. Lust made pictorial.

I blame society.
(frankspencer, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:53, 9 replies)

My Guilty Pleasures


1 - I enjoy cutting people up in multi storey car parks while riding a mountain bike. As you are able to weave in and out of parked cars and gaps in a bid to cut up a random person exiting/entering the multi storey. I award myself bonus points on how pretentious the driver’s choice of car is, and how agitated they become. The highest in the list are drivers of:

BMW 1 and 3 series, especially on a basic trim level,
4 x 4 Drivers that don’t need to own one in the first place, e.g. some random 5ft tall bint with lots of kids driving a Toyota Land Cruiser that should own an MPV/People Carrier instead,
Small poxy Mercedes Benz (C Class or A Class, especially in Silver),
Mercedes ML Class drivers,
Them small and shite Jaguar’s that are essentially a “Ford Mondeo wearing Emperor’s clothes”
Shitty chav mobiles with horrid body kits like Citroen Saxo, Vauxhall Nova

To quote some examples.

2 - Using the pointy bit of a Bic biro top to carve the crap out from under my nails and wipe it on the carpet. In fact, I carry a Bic Biro top with me specifically for this purpose all the time.

3 – Ripping people in electrical stores that are considering buying an Apple iPod (get a bloody imagination, there are better mp3 players out there!). I usually just shake my head and openly sigh in derision saying “Buy something better, they’re shite”. One time, I was with the GF and said to her in conversation “You know, my mate has had nothing but trouble with those” while a sales rep was demonstrating an iPod to someone.

4 – A quirky liking of Mike Oldfield and Kate Bush. And, owning most of their albums (and even enjoying Mike’s cheesier 1980s albums), been playing Mike’s stuff all week and posting YouTube videos up of live concert footage on the Bulletin pages of my myspace to weird people out. Despite being a scary 6 foot rocker that specialises in listening to death, thrash, and black metal.

5 – Pulling out excessively long nasal hairs. I award myself bonus points if I make myself sneeze, love it when that happens.

6 – Like some other peep on here posted, I love making people in cars stop suddenly while crossing a road if they don’t indicate. I often cycle past a Matalan factory and there are loads of their employees that do this. Bonus points are awarded as stated in point No˚1.
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:52, 10 replies)

I love sticking chewing gum on things -

various things.
ends of cigarette butts, so that they look like neat little trees. byt the end of the day, there is a little forest growing in my ashtray.

also on my desk, only to find myself glued to the table hours later.

on chairs, signs, walls, flashy mugs, tip of my nose, around my finger, cars, beds, friends' furniture, carpets and animals.
I have a smal collection on our elevator wall.

did you know chewing is forbidden in singapore?
(dodinek is feeling threatened by polka dots on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:51, 6 replies)

Having a shit.
Naked with the bathroom door open, when there is no one in the house.
( BindiBaji, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:45, 2 replies)

Traffic Lights
Every time I cross a road with pedestrian-operated traffic lights, I feel the compulsive need to push the button after I cross the road. As a driver, I know how annoying it can be, but I love to wind up other drivers by making them wait at lights for no reason.

Another thing I do to annoy drivers is start crossing a road juuuuuust as they approach and time it so that I get to the spot they were at a fraction of a second too late for them to hit me. Apparently it really freaks them out, but it amuses me.

And walking on crash-barriers too. Don't ask me why, but I love walking across the top of crash barriers.

I'm weird...
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:45, 3 replies)

Guilty? Pfft!
I do many of the things people have listed on here, but I don't feel guilty about them, and I suspect none of you do either!
(Celera, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:34, 1 reply)

Sometimes,
I like to take the Celebrations tin I kept to store biscuits, I put the lid on my chest, the tin on my back, and pretend I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Heroes in a half-shell! TURTLE POWER!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:29, Reply)

Is it just me?

Or does everybody enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling that can only be obtained by strangling prostitutes before humping them, setting fire to them and leaving their burnt, battered corpses in a shallow grave ?

Thank god the weekend is nearly here, that’s all I can say.

...

what?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:25, 6 replies)

The Transformed Man
I can't help it, but I often feel an overwhelming urge to overcome both my natural tone-deafness and indugle some of my tourette-esque tendencies in musical fashion.

Many a time I've been sat at the lights singing away and adding my own words to well known songs, much to the amusement of whoever is in the next car to me.

Okay, singing about "Tainted Muff" is puerile and childish but what the hell. If I can't corrupt the lyrics I'll drop in the occasional "arse" or "minge" as I'm singing away.

If I change stations and find something truly offensive (Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Westlife etc) I won't hold back from yelling "Do fuck off now!" at the stereo. I've also been known to have full on rows with my Sat Nav.

Also, if I'm at a party where someone's playing Sing Star I absolutely HAVE to have a go. I can't be dealing with singing along to Girls Aloud or Steps, so I usually end up belting out my own special versions of Queen numbers in a style William Shatner would be proud of.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:19, 10 replies)

Bending over and looking at my own bum hole
in the mirror while I fart!
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 11:13, 2 replies)