Attempted murder/football training.
**wavy lines**

When I was 11, I was living in my brother's shadow. He was three years older, was brilliant at football, extremely popular, cool, funny... basically, all the things that I wasn't. In order to match our kid and start down the road of awesomeness, I joined the under 11's of our local football team.

This had a couple of downsides. One, I was shit at football. Years of being used as a moving target for my sadistic brother's shooting practise in our garden had dampened my enthusiasm for the game. Two, I was a geek and totally uncool. I liked Games Workshop and Thundercats and not much else. Three, I was a fat, unfit little bugger who had a love affair with chips. As a result of these handicaps, I was the the last one picked for teams, I was pretty much friendless in the squad and I was a natural butt for jokes/tricks. You know the sort thing, being pushed over when someone is on hands and knees behind your legs, kit getting hidden, that kind of thing. On the whole, I just laughed along with it as I was (am) a chilled out, jovial sort of chap.

One lad however made my life a living hell. Ash was a cock. A nasty, spiteful little twat. Now this lad was smaller that everyone in the squad (including me), yet he had the biggest mouth on him and felt the need to insult and wind up anyone he could in order to make his feel better/bigger. Needless to say, he focused his entire attention on me and sent an unending torrent of abuse my way for an entire season. I was miserable and dreaded football training.

One day though, he went too far...

We were playing bibs vs skins five-a-side and Ash and I were alone playing at the back (for I was a defender). It was late afternoon at about 7 and it was just getting dark at the playing fields, and most of the play was taking place at the other end of the pitch. Obviously bored (and totally unprovoked), he walks over to me, stamps down hard on my foot in his boots and whispers 'your Mum is a c*nt and wishes that you had never been born'. I didn't take kindly to this. A year of abuse and torture from this little shit finally broke my resolve to just 'laugh it off'. The red mist descended...

Displaying strength I didn't know I had, I picked him up bodily from the floor by the throat and locked my fingers around his neck, arms outstretched. He kicked me in the balls. Didn't feel it. He scratched my face. Didn't feel it. He started to go blue. I laughed. I remember feeling totally calm and not at all concerned that I was throttling a fellow team mate. Now I am not an evil bastard, but every ounce of me wanted this little fucker dead...

And then the 20 stone man mountain that was the manager arrived (lets call him Tom) and he forced my hands apart preventing me from killing my foe, and it was then that I totally LOST IT (vague link to the QOTW but I couldn't give a rats arse!) I started windmilling in all directions, hands and feet flying in a final effort to smite my enemy, and Tom had to physically sit on me to prevent me from going after Ash and finishing the job.

Needless to say, I wasn't invited back to play footie which suited me just fine, but Ash was a lot nicer to me at school thereafter. I'm still uncool even now, but this episode taught me that I liked to fight and started me in my beloved hobby of mixed martial arts so in a way, thanks Ash. I'm kinda sorry that I tried to kill you...

Sorry for the lack of funnies etc.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:26, 20 replies)

You forgot to say "THIS DID NOT SIT WELL WITH ME"
Also needs more "BIG MISTAKE"
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 14:44, closed)

needless to say

(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:01, closed)

Not to say needless.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Thu 21 Jul 2011, 15:44, closed)

"When I was 11 ... I joined the under 11's of our local football team."

Pervy old bastard
(Blaah Blaah, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 0:34, closed)

^this

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 2:27, closed)

MOAR ACCORD PLEEZE

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 2:28, closed)

"Oh dear, not another one",
said the horny, black-and-white striped, burrowing mammal with tuberculosis. He sighed, and opened his filing cabinet once again.
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:00, closed)

can you sit on someone in a way that isn't physical?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:45, closed)

I studied Tantric sex for years so I can sit on your Mum's face from anywhere in the world.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:59, closed)

*fives*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:03, closed)

I'm virtually sitting on you RIGHT NOW.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:19, closed)

2nd to last paragraph, I roared.

Good thing im alone in the office today. Have a well deserved click.
(tyrellsOwl, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 12:38, closed)

RAWR.
seriously - where was the funny in this shitfest?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:26, closed)

so your story is
'i'm pathetic and everyone bullied me and i spazzed out and nearly hurt someone but ultimately didn't'.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:31, closed)

Way to completely misread the very simple question, you oversensitive bellend.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:33, closed)

Overweight sadact gets picked on, fights like a 'tard and now does it for a hobby.
In other news: water is still wet.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:36, closed)

I was gonna mock you but I don't want to get throttled by The Whirling Dervish of Justice

( Theoban What of it, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:36, closed)

I LIKE THIS.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 15:01, closed)

INVOLVED, HERE!

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:40, closed)

Hey Mr Fudge!
Your mum is a cunt and wishes that you had never been born
(PsychoChomp, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 14:51, closed)