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This is a question Lurid Work Stories

"I know a railwayman of 40-odd years' service," says Juan Quar, "and he tells me a new gruesome yarn each time we meet. Last week's was of checking the time on the wristwatch of a severed arm he'd just collected after a track fatality."

Tell us the horrible stories you tease the new hires with, or that you've been told.
NB By definition, these are probably all made up. Roll with it

(I helped save b3ta! chthonic, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 17:33)
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Because these cunts need to know what proper work vileness is.
Not 'some bloke dun a poo at work'.
(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:00, 4 replies)
I expect you've got fucking loads of stories about some proper grim stuff.
Worst I've ever encountered was a bloke with a gangrenous hand.
(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 21:02, closed)
I was going to tell my favourite geriatric poo story but I'm not sure I can be arsed.

(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 10 Sep 2013, 22:43, closed)

I can't begin to tell you how upset I am that I'm a cunt who’s horrified by the odd ‘work turd’ and don’t have a job that involves getting splattered geriatric knob cheese.
(ringofyre, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 10:56, closed)
I'm gutted that my job mostly involves arranging pixels in imaginative ways on the internet
and not getting covered in someone else's rancid smegma
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 11:44, closed)
I too, am pleased that I'm not an anaethestist.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:22, closed)
Your faith must be a great comfort
in these troubled times.
(I helped save b3ta! monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:20, closed)
Haha, like a thick fuck like you would ever qualify to be an anaesthetist anyway

(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 16:31, closed)
^upset at still having an adolescent job in his forties^

(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:00, closed)
Says the man whose job sounds like basically a glorified version of colouring in.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:21, closed)
Well, I say 'man'...

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 17:28, closed)
That's the interesting thing about colouring in
Every moron thinks they can do it, and they can - badly. To do it properly requires effort, patience and skill and people who can consistently do it well make a good living from it. I've done it occasionally and it's not half as much fun as it sounds.
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:01, closed)
And that kids, is why he's well-regarded in the modelling community.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:18, closed)
Not upset, oh no

(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:20, closed)
Just make sure to push your glasses back up your nose after typing all that.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:22, closed)
He stays in the lines and everything

(McChinaman banned, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:20, closed)
The fact that you have to justify it like that speaks volumes about how worthless a job it is.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:31, closed)
Worth is in the eye of the beholder
I'd probably enjoy comic books less if they were all monochrome line-art
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:52, closed)
Quite so. But any beholder who thinks colouring in is as worthwhile as nursing is a worthless fucking bell end.

(I helped save b3ta! Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 12:07, closed)
Not upset, TTT-ing ^^^^^^

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:43, closed)
i'm glad you've held on to your dignity, here.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:50, closed)
Alright Brigadier.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 12:35, closed)
Very well, thanks for asking
5 lobsters in the pots this afternoon!
(ringofyre, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 15:48, closed)
is ringo trialling some sort of ignore 3.0?
i presume it only works if you put someone on ignore, then whine about having someone on ignore, then log out to see if they are remotely bothered, then log back in to complain about them not complaining about your complaint.

what a complicated way of saying 'nobody likes me on the internet or real life'. poor old ringo.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:21, closed)
TTT: the next level.

(I helped save b3ta! Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:23, closed)
It's because he's a twat.

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 13:32, closed)
i can't wait for him to come online and do his daily vanity search.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 18:54, closed)
it would be such a shame if someone were to put <a href="r*ngofyre r*ngo s*ckpuppet"></a> into the body of all their posts and totally bollox up that vanity search, wouldn't it

(I helped save b3ta! The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 11 Sep 2013, 22:59, closed)

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