I could've humped a film star...
...I had a particularly weird drunken night out whilst in my 4th year at uni, many a shot was shooted and when finally arriving back at my friend's house a long way from my house it transpired that there were exactly the same amount of girls in the room as there were boys.

That revelation came quite late to me and I was left with a proper weird one. I tried to talk to her and work out how I was going to get home but she kept trying to lick my neck. Eventually I realised that my only course of action would be to offer to walk her home (hoping that the night air would freshen my mind and sober her up a bit so she'd stop with the licking). It wasn't that far to her house, when we got there she started crying about the fact that she always ended up alone after nights out, I stupidly offered to come in and have a coffee, listen to her tales and then leave.

We had coffee, I went to the toilet (for a wee) and when I re-entered the living room she was stark naked playing with herself. I gasped out loud and felt the liquid sloshing about in my belly begin to rise as it dawned on me that she looked like the dead woman from room 237 in Kubrick's The Shining (the greenish one, not the one Jack 1st sees). I legged it, I literally legged it out of the door, she ran after me and tried to drag me back, pulling some buttons off my shirt as I clambered for the door. I fell down the steps in the front garden and knackered my ankle but kept running, staggering, moaning and with my chest exposed (I am and always have been a weed, I must therefore have looked like one of the new breed of zombies that can run, sort of).

I went back to my friend's house but there was no reply on the door... I must have made a lot of noise as their neighbour came out to see what the fuss was... she was massively hot and I'd mucked up a chance with her the week before so I asked if I could come in and get warm, calm down a bit and order a taxi.

We sat down, she made me a cocoa, all was well with the world again. I told her my story, she laughed. I was beginning to think the world liked me again until the mad stomach pains meant I had to have a shit. Never a good thing to do when alone with a girl you hardly know but...

20 minutes later I woke up sat on the toilet, sheepishly I went back downstairs, she was still there (and looking amazing) I told her my new story, she laughed again and then I developed a cough, that only happened when I said a word with an 'S' in it.

I left shortly after, I never did see her nude... ho hum.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 12:30, 19 replies)

calling Amorous Badger......over........come in Amourous Badger.......

( Bamboo Steamer, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 12:42, closed)

whatnow?

(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 12:49, closed)

Is this a film synopsis?
I don't really get it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:00, closed)

I had a night out...
...it went wrong.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:14, closed)

But what's a film star got to do with it?
Or is it that she looked a bit like one? Or what?

Sorry - I just don't get it. 3/10 - must try harder.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:23, closed)

the film star...
...was the lady off The Shining, the cackling, decomposing green one with pendulous breasticles. I was doing one of them, whatyoumacallem things... how you say? Jowk? Pay attention at the back!
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:26, closed)

utterly 100% true also
I might add. Including the random cough linked with the letter s
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:27, closed)

I've already graded you.
And frankly your explanation isn't doing you any favours. If you keep it up I'll give you a detention.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:30, closed)

detention eh?
I'm intrigued, 'pon what grounds would you be detaining me? I think my use of the language was sufficient, heck I even managed to use the shift key!

Oh... you're jealous cos I got to see a terrifying girl playing with herself... I'm sure there are vidjos of similarly unenticing things on that "The Internet" everyone keeps talking about.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:36, closed)

Nonsense
There's no such thing as an internet.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:42, closed)

I knew it!
They've all been lying to me!

Those blackguards!













wait a minute...





..hey!
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 13:45, closed)

*gravel voice*
A man...who's never had sex...runs away from an ugly chick who wants his...penis...inside her vagina...he heads to the house of a...friend?...*hot chick screams in revulsion at boy with shitted trousers*...THE SHIT-KEKKED VIRGIN, in theaters April 29th.
(SlantedScience, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 23:17, closed)

on the toilet
I fell asleep ON THE TOILET not next to it filling my trousers.

Oh and my penis had already been inside a few girls vaginas by this point in my career, but thanks.

And finally it's THEATRES or as we like to call them, CINEMAS.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:43, closed)

Well I liked your story
I'm sure if you were a "piss-weak virgin" that you would have taken on all of the girls at the original house before delivering a facial on the fit neighbour that a horse would struggle to.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 23:36, closed)

ah, cheers!
I did start pretty late with the whole sexing girls thing but by this time I wasn't so hormonally imbalanced that I would shag anything that was put in my way... I've turned quite a few down in my time, some I've regretted but this one is not one of those.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:37, closed)

For what it's worth;
1 - I thought this was a pretty entertaining story.
2 - I didn't have trouble working out what the title referred to.
3 - It doesn't sound like the kind of thing one would make up.
4 - There are some increasingly predictable and boring cunts on this site.
( 4Q just lurking, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 0:33, closed)

ta
not sure if I'm really supposed to be saying thanks here but a nice reply in amongst all the repressed "I'm not a virgin and I'll prove it by saying other people are" is a good thing to read.

I am not capable of making up a story with this many weirdnesses piled up in it.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 12:39, closed)

I like the story
Didn't get the film star reference though. 'I could have humped a zombie', perhaps?
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 10:20, closed)

I went with film star cos otherwise...
...it would have ruined the surprise that I ran away from a naked chick cos she looked terrifyingly wrong.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 13:19, closed)