It's a beautiful, sunny morning here in the arse end of London.
What joys does this week hold for you?

Alt: What misery does this week hold for you?

I saw with appalled disgust (admittedly my default setting) that some filthy northern peasant has graffitied Clifford's Tower in York. I like graffiti on the whole and as a method of unregulated communication its pedigree goes back at least to Roman times, where it can be seen in Pompeii. However in this instance the cunt has written his Twitter address in red paint on a national monument. What a fucking wanker, eh?
www.metro.co.uk/news/893495-70-000-historic-buildings-attacked-by-vandals-a-year
This is a very sad state of affairs, if you ask me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:26, 112 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Good morning.
Misery =

More fucking decorating
Missing my wife and daughter
Tired beyond comprehension
Delivery of my iPad has been delayed

In other news; why is there so much fuss about a footballer keeling over? When my father in law had a heart attack the press weren't interested. Why is this cunt being viewed any differently just because he can kick an inflated pigs bladder on a piece of grass?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:34, Reply)

Maybe your father-in-law is a cunt and no-one likes him
Maybe he was a bounder who slept with the daughter of every single editor on Fleet Street and they chose this moment to take their revenge.

Maybe I've run out of creativity in my parlous pre-caffeine state.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:41, Reply)

I think it was a combination of the fact that he's 23, and that it happened on live TV

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:42, Reply)

The latter is a good point I think
It would really be a horrible state of affairs if a man's heart could stop in the presence of 40,000 onlookers and with a TV audience in seven figures, and no-one gave a shit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)

No it wouldn't. That would be hilarious.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)

It would be hilarious if we could choose the man in question
Corden's heart can't have long anyway with all the fat strangling it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

That's the hope, anyway

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:49, Reply)

Fingers crossed for Bono too. Whilst the shitty little bog trotter prick is on stage preaching with any luck.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:50, Reply)

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"
(from the crowd) "Well stop fucking clapping then"

Whoever said this is a dichotomy; both a comedy genius and a fucking idiot, cos he must have shelled out a decent wedge to be at the concert in the first place.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Must be an urban myth.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I don't see why
U2 fans are allowed to be annoyed by Bono too. THEY'RE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME, BATTERED
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

I am nothing like a U2 fan.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

I like some early U2.
There, I've said it.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:06, Reply)

You are dead to me, Badger.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)

I'd still shoot through members of my own family to hit Bono
does that help?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:09, Reply)

Sorry, did someone say something?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:11, Reply)

nope.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:11, Reply)

I think it was a joke in someone's standup routine rather than an actual occurrence.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

I won't lie to you, Monty, that's disappointing
I was very keen on the idea that even an audience of paying numpties feel sufficiently irked by Bono to heckle him
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:58, Reply)

"Get that body off the pitch, it's important that we find out which group of eleven millionaires can vaguely attempt to prove their worth"

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Because this country's priorities have gone to the fucking dogs
and its citizens are retarded. This is related in no small measure to the story linked to above. A further example of this is another story I read, in which a very rare copy of a 1652 govt proclamation banning Christmas celebrations is coming up for sale. This fascinating piece of history is likely to fetch a mere £2000. Or, twenty seconds' pay for the heart attack sports cunt to which you refer. My values system is so very, very different from that of everyone else, it seems.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:43, Reply)

you live in a country where several million people had grief hysteria
because some dippy posh slag hit an underpass in Paris. How can you be even slightly surprised?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:01, Reply)

This is a salient point.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

hmmm briny

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

To be fair, she did hit it with her head at 80mph (or whatever it was).
I wonder what the last thing to go through her head was, "I love my son and family", "Oh good, we're being chased by french paparazi" or the dashboard.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

because alot of people tae football very seriously, footballers get paid obsene amounts of money and become famous int heir own right for it
did your dad do any of that?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

I think it could be because he was a young man with a great career and his whole life ahead of him, who died while doing something that is watched and enjoyed by millions of people around the world.
And that it reminds people that it could happen to anyone at any point in time. It also made the papers 'cus it happened during a very public situation.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:52, Reply)

he's not dead, Gonz.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)

Oh, ok, I haven't read anything about it.
I was talking to my doctor friend about it and it really shook her up, she's seen dozens of people die but this one who shes never meet, really hit her hard.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

I think most of what I said still counts though.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:04, Reply)

indeed

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

Thinking about it, imagine if everyone who died was equal in importance, from Princes Diana to random old people to starving africans.
I think I read somewhere that 150k people die a day, donno where I got that figure from, but imagine how big the papers would have to be.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Not a fucking clue.
Alt: I have to travel to 2 houses to sort out problems they're having there, one is a long walk, the other is a train journey away, and I really can't be arsed with either.

Fucking hell, I'm tired.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:43, Reply)

My penis is fine today, thank you
AA ASKED ME HOW MY PENIS WAS YESTERDAY
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Darth texted me about his penis at 12:15am on Sunday morning.
As the fool had neglected to wash his hands after handling a scotch bonnet, before going for a piss.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:47, Reply)

I invented a name for this phenomenon some years ago: 'Taco Bell'.
I added a new one this weekend: 'jalapenis'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

*golf applause*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Very good
Now come up with one for the unfortunate mood-killer which accompanies fingering a hooker in a dark alley after handling chillies.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:57, Reply)

see, what you've done with the second one
is confuse "a word that you invented" with "a piece of Gonz spelling"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)

are you our "go-to" penis guy?
I never got the memo.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Not at all
but he's the only one who replied
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

No, he just knows I've had problems with scotch bonnets before
MEMO: Don't rub your fucking eyes, or scratch your fucking nose.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:00, Reply)

Or touch Darth's penis

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

I wouldn't touch him with yours.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

scotch bonnet a geriatric's crusty penis
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Morning Monty
It is also a beautiful day here in the arse end of England. It won't last. I know this for certain because at 4pm I have to walk three miles down the Uni with a heavy suit carrier, and I have to arrive in reasonably well-kempt, or at least quickly preenable, condition. And I have not got an umbrella.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Just got in.
I think I spent three hundred quid last night. I'm not even sure how that's possible. Genuinely want to cry.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:58, Reply)

that must have been one classy strip joint

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

In all seriousness.
I couldn't think of anything more grim than going to a strip club. It doesn't even make sense to me, why the fuck would you pay bare dollar to go into somewhere that makes you more sexually frustrated than you were in the first place?
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:04, Reply)

i don't know why you went in one, you probably shouldn't have
as a student you should be taking care of your money and not spending it on women who won't have sex with you
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Money is irrelevant I'm fucking loaded pal.

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:13, Reply)

how you spend your student loan is your business
but i'd rather you put it towards textbooks, accomodation etc instead of exotic dancers.

you'll only regret it otherwise
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)

suns out yeah
so on my way to work i see a few people wearing shades, thats fine.

except all three of them were wearing massive ones with huge great thick white rims on them and polarised lenses.
Who the fuck do they think they are?? ROBOCOP?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Next time you see them, do the wanker sign to their faces
If they don't respond, they're blind.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:04, Reply)

or they long ago accepted that they are total wankers and have dealt with it.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:06, Reply)

the worst thing was that if they were teenagers then fair enough
but these people were all in their mid thirties
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:09, Reply)

beakering graffiti, that's fucking pathetic,
should have just drawn a cock or done a proper menchie.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

go shove a graffiti up your cock and shit out banksy

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

PROPER traditional graffiti, not like this Twitter bollocks.
I did see a 'chad' the other day, but it was in Shoreditch so I fear it was an irono-chad and thus doesn't count.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Like this guff from South Yorkshire's "Fista"?
archipelago-art.co.uk/id67.html

Best known for being jailed in the late 90s for spraying his "tag" alongside train tracks all the way from Barnsley down to Nottingham.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)

This chap is an old pal of mine:
www.heavyartillerycrew.com/gallery/set/72157602815653495

He is proper menkle. He once broke his neck in my flat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Did Stunned break it after he broke your sofa?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:33, Reply)

He's broken my sofa twice, the big lump.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

That'll be due to the massive cowlick. Cowlicks weigh a lot.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:47, Reply)

It's his cowlick that makes him weigh 17 stone?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Yes. If cowlicks weighed less they'd be called goatlicks

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:50, Reply)

I can't fault your logic.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:53, Reply)

if it said "wot, no Chad?" or something equally "ironically" lolarious
you're probably right
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:25, Reply)

Joys - I get to find out what happens at airport security
when you don't have a doctors note for the massive fucking plate in your arm.

Misery - probably 5 minutes after that when they unleash "cavity Steve"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:04, Reply)

You get bummed by security

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)

that's Dutch Schteve.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:33, Reply)

Oh what a glorious morning, oh what a glorous day.
I got a feeling this week is gonna be awesome, full of top notch greatness. I don't know exactly who what where why or how, but it'll happen.

That guy is a total cock, thats just pure attention seeking vandolisim, he needs some lessons from Tox01.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

So what were you doing in York?
It is the North you know.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:22, Reply)

he read it in the Metro newspaper
because he cannot afford a car
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Evern if I could, there would be little point in my owning one.
I can't drive.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)

is there anything in life you haven't failed at completely?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

I haven't failed at not being a soldier-outfit pikey with an orange girlfriend who owns a pink cowboy hat.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

haven't failed at not?
so you have?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Oh dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Quinten with his woman

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:41, Reply)

'their song' is 'Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong'
Where they 'belong' is in the 'British Bulldog Karaoke Bar and Tanning Salon' in Magaluf.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:44, Reply)

‘OI LAV ‘IIIM. HE DRESSED UP LOIK A SAWLJAAAARRRRR, WELL SEXY LOIK. ‘EES LOIK WAN OF VER CHIPPENDAAAAYYYLES’

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Ha ha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Ah the Metro.
At least you can say it isn't the Mail.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)

'yesterday's news today'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

I got rid of my last car years ago, and never regretted it.
Living in a city, it's pointless.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

Quite so.
When I lived in Islington my ex had a car: it took on average half an hour to find a space and was vandalised three times in a year. She sold it and was glad to be rid of it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Did you get creative with the vandalisation?
Or did you resort to "vandal classic" like slashing her tires? I bet hers was the only care in London with "Why won't you call me Adolf in bed, vile harlot?" graffiti'd on the bonnet
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:42, Reply)

Different ex.
The menkle one is partially-sighted and would never be allowed to drive.

This one was actually a nice woman. I bumped into her a few years ago, she'd married an Indian man and, bizarrely, lost her sense of smell. My suggestion that this would be handy given her choice of husband did not go down well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:45, Reply)

I didn't really say that, and have only just thought of it.
Gutted.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Text her now

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:47, Reply)

I'll just wait for her husband to call my work
from his call centre, to ask about utility bills, and I'll tell him then.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

I can't believe no-one has made a joke about the only woman you can prove you've penetrated
is fucking blind.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

MAYBE NOW'S YOUR CHANCE!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

I think the moment may have passed
Also I can never find it in me to mock a fellow eye-mong
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

Strictly UEA tonight
A dance competition which I have a decent chance of winning, which is ironic as I'm not dancing with Ms Foxtrot. We had the dress rehearsal Saturday and one of the other competitors asked me if I was a 2nd or 3rd year. Made my day.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

She's been holding you back.
Both in dance competitions and in hanging around student discos pretending to be a 3rd year.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)

Thank god I don't look my age
because she still gets ID'd, whilst I've no problem with being a dirty old man I don't want to look like one
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Pretending?

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

Here comes the new week
just like the old week
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:50, Reply)

Fuck off Bert.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:55, Reply)

What ho, Naklington.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

I'm going into a meeting now so there's no point in replying to this post
Thank you in advance for your cooperation
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

I'm listening to Womans hour,
there's plenty of "Speaking as a mother..." bollocks, and a bit of man hating.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

Haven't they got some ironing to do or something?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)

It's an argument... sorry disscussion about who's the best mother!
In the red corner, stay at home mums. In the blue working mothers.
Fiiighhht
(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:21, Reply)

In 20 years time people will be blaming societies ills on parents working
lol.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)

Both parents in full time work is neglect, if you ask me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:40, Reply)

They love this debate on Woman's Hour
It gets rolled out every couple of months.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:27, Reply)

I'm drunk

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:37, Reply)

What you are is just plain odd.
You need to update your/my sig, by the way. As it is, it's not confusing enough.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 10:38, Reply)