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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Morning
I am only working three days this week, then I am off for five days during which time I shall mark off another year of not dying.
This will include some delicious beer from the Purity Brewery and a lovely Indian chef preparing some food in my garden for me and my friends.
How can your week possibly be any better than mine?
HOW CAN IT????

Alt: Weird facebook updates. Someone I know always updates their status with crazy shit about Jesus.
This week she has upped the crazy by revealing that her first ever kiss with her husband took place after they had been pronounced man & wife.
Tell me about crazy people you know (or if you are too cool to be on fb, just make jokes about my mum).
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 8:48, 141 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
This week will be shit, but I'm off on hols next saturday with some awesome friends
Alt: CAC - Christians are cunts
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 8:52, Reply)
Where are you going?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 8:53, Reply)
Dordogne for a wedding, but staying for a week.
I shall eat much cheese, many breads and gulp gallons of wine
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 8:55, Reply)
Très bien
Bonnes vacances.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 8:58, Reply)
Mercy bucket

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:01, Reply)
Murky, surely

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:17, Reply)
I'm not gointg with TGB

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)
Oh, ZING.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)

I've managed to cull, or at least unsubscribe from updates of, most of my annoyingly crazy people. It's an ongoing process though, and my tolerance is getting lower. Yesterday I got rid of the person who said 'Over 50% of the population suffer from wheat intolerance, they just don't know it' and the person who replied 'If I even see wheat I am ill for days'. Those Hovis adverts must be a killer then.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:00, Reply)
one can but hope

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:01, Reply)
I regularly cull on FB - I have a rule of never having more than 100 connections. I am tempted to remove my profile completely.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:03, Reply)
I could never unsubscribe from this woman.
She is amusingly crackers and full of crazy lies.
My wife won't ever let me comment on any of them though :(
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:04, Reply)
hey TUiP you've got a bit of red mark on your forehead...
...no wait it's just your wife's thumb print
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:05, Reply)
Hello Nakers, this is tangledupinblue's wife here.
I'm afraid I cannot allow him to tell you his true response to this here.
I can however give you mine - you bent spastic cunt.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:12, Reply)
hahaha!

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:15, Reply)
This is Mrs Battered, I agree that Mr Ape, you're a spastic.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:21, Reply)
but not bent \o/

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:24, Reply)
Damned by faint praise

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:29, Reply)
It's the best i can hope for

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:32, Reply)
I am trying to sort out moving house
and will be driving an Aston Martin V8 Vantage on Friday, followed by beer.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:16, Reply)
No, I still think mine is better.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:18, Reply)
I'd agree but mine is good

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:19, Reply)
As you're going to be on a track you should drink the beer then drive the Aston.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:20, Reply)
Unfortunately I also have to drive on roads afterwards

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:22, Reply)
you will get back in your car,
and it will be rubbish.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:27, Reply)
TRUFAX

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:28, Reply)
but you'll love having a go on the aston martin.
Was it a birthday present from someone?
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:33, Reply)
Yes, from Mrs Cow and the kids

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:37, Reply)
that's a pretty awesome present though.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:38, Reply)
It is indeed
I also got Lego
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)
You are just a little kid at heart aren't you?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)
Yep

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:45, Reply)
I'm going to see Spamalot on Wednesday
and football on Saturday - that's about it for this week. I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend though.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:20, Reply)
I'm friends with a few people on FB purely for games
and I have their updates moved to a separate tab thanks to a plug-in. I go through it occasionally and it's an apocalypse of inspirational messages as TOAP, Jesus spasticity, "99% won't repost this status" and right-wing memes.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:31, Reply)
Got an easy week this week,
Friday off for the first time in a while, i should do something with it, but I will probably just go to the pub with some friends that I don't get to see anywhere near enough, but no, I have to agree, your week sounds better.

There are 2 people that wind me up on facebook, one dude I went to school with who seems to post strings of pictures that he's taken from one of those "lolgagcheezeburgerlol" sites, I think today is the day we become unfriended. And the other is a girl who wants to be all edgy and dark, but occasionally posts "lol, my kitteh is eatin a moff" so yeah, facebook is full of idiots.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:21, Reply)
As long as it is not your own pub.
I find it weird when people who work in pubs socialise in the same place.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:25, Reply)
totally,
i sometimes stay for a drink after a shift, if anyone good is about, but will do my damndest to not set foot in their on my days/evenings off.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:26, Reply)
I don't know man. My week is already off to a bad start. I really don't see how it can come close to being better than yours.
I almost completely passed out today when I was in my anatomy prac, and I was watching the instructional video on how to vivisect our toads - and then they brought them in and I couldn't do it. It's the first time I've ever found myself unable to even participate in a prac class, and it was horrible. FYI, if you've never had one, whiteouts are not fun. At all.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:25, Reply)
I think you should man up and fuck those toads shit right the fuck up.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:27, Reply)
I tried. The bit between the video showing us how to humanely kill the toad by severing the aorta and the smell of the toads as they were brought in, I was all "Okay, it's just a dissection, you can do this."
And then I looked into the tubs, and I could see them breathing and their pulse in their throat and I lost my shit. Am SO glad I"m not going into biology, and that I"m going to be focusing on cellular and biochemical stuff instead!
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:29, Reply)
I like toads
in fact i stopped the car to rescue one from the road just last week
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:30, Reply)
These were big fat fucking cane toads.
they're a pest, which is why we were allowed to use them. But I just couldn't do it.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:31, Reply)
yeah cane toads are shit, british toads are sweet

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:33, Reply)
I have them all the time, doc reckons it's a type of migrane

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:29, Reply)
Don't fall under a bus
xxx
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:30, Reply)
I'll try but i can't promise anything
If i do die will you promise to have a lolb4sh in my honor?
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Apart from Piston turning up by mistake who else will turn up?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:37, Reply)
if someone bought my tickets I might.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)
*takes note*
so far we've got one maybe, who'll have to be paid to turn up

this is another successful b3tab4sh in the making
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:42, Reply)
You can add my name to the list
of people who won't be attending.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:00, Reply)
I haven't had one for a long time.
But my breathing went all funny and I felt cold all over and my head went so light I had to hold it up by leaning it onto my hand on the table. And then I had my usual predictable reaction of feeling so horribly sick in that I burst into tears.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:31, Reply)
Sounds like me when I read a Naked Ape post

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:40, Reply)
Morning folks.
Ok let's begin, my week will win as off to see batman again later, moving stuff into new house before poker tomorrow night, arsenal look likely to be signing decent players, I've just downloaded breaking bad and the last series of trailer park boys and my new goggles arrive today.

Your mum is so fat there is excess strain being placed on her knees, bazinga.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:36, Reply)
Fed up of getting jizz in you eyes eh?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)
Canadian

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:14, Reply)
Tangles, there's nothing I can do to top your week
I'm just going to have to hope for it being average and perhaps even pleasant.

Alt: My cousin's wife is, appparently, trying to become a doula (insofar as you actually need to do anything apart from "call yourself a doula"), and is horrendously preachy on FB about all sorts of things, mostly associated with raising kids. I usually manage to not comment as her heart is more or less in the right place. I finally cracked and slightly lost my rag at her over some shit about disabled access to that paralympics this weekend, though.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:38, Reply)
What the fuck is a "Doula"?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:39, Reply)
a stickybeak

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:40, Reply)
basically, this ^

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:41, Reply)
"originating from the Ancient Greek word δούλη meaning female servant or slave"
Edit: damn, that looked awesome when I copied and pasted. δούλη
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Man, the Ancient Greeks wrote some l33t codez.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:42, Reply)
I was about to say!

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:43, Reply)
It's some horseshit woo term for, I dunno, birthing coach, or some shit.
It's an old greek term, misapproproiated by the same kind of tools who think that breastfeeding until the age of 8 is normal, healthy behaviour.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Someone who attends the birth of a baby to help the mother through the labour. Bit like a team coach I suppose.
Very middle class thing to have a Doula at the birth apparently.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:42, Reply)
She's paying thousands to go on some residential course in it.
Given there are no accepted qualifications in it, no ratified courses, actual qualified medical opinion of it varies from "useless but harmless" to "downright fucking dangerous" and you can just call yourself one, oh, and, yeah, it's all a load of epic shite, I would suggest paying for a course in it is "a little bit Bert"
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:45, Reply)
Non pushy mothers

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Mrs Upinblue looked into getting a Doula for the birth of baby tangle
They were on the whole either:
a) mental,
b) hippies,
c) mental hippies.
We did not hire a doula and spent the money on an ipad instead.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)
What particularly irritates me about this whole broad area
is, apparently, it's perfectly acceptable to rail against thousands of years of scientific and medical knowledge and to directly hold a contrary point to qualified medical practitioners becuase you are a woman and therefore "know best"

See also: holding up what mothers in developing countries do as an example of what is healthy, natural and "right". Because, also then, we should introduce random famine, disease and high rates of child mortality into Surrey "baby dance" classes as well. Fucktards.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:56, Reply)
You know only too well that people are idiots, badge.
I sell snake oil to people who tell me that they want something "more natural" than what the doctor has prescribed. Not one of them ever considers that these things are no more natural than the thing they are replacing.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:59, Reply)
I know, I know.
I don't understand why the fuck people pick and choose their idiocy, though. All this homeopathic-medicine-consuming fuckspanners don't demand "natural alternatives" to electricity or refuse life-saving surgery because it's not "natural" ... they're lying hypocrites even to themselves, yet it's acceptable to foist that on their young children? Fuck 'em, tangles, it's actually child abuse. Refuse a vaccination for your baby and I would have you put in prison.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:08, Reply)
The MMR jab made me a bent spastic :(

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:09, Reply)
Correlation does not equate to causation.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:10, Reply)
I am still going to ensure my scaremongering story gets out into the overactive press though
becasue people deserve to know the truth
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:12, Reply)
It turned me into a newt :(

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:12, Reply)
*calls This Morning*

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:13, Reply)
Thumbs up for the three day week.
Facebook is weird, anyone that I wanted to keep in contact with I did. As for crazy people I drive by one every morning that stands on a corner just writing down stuff? (I’m assuming its number plates) whilst engaging in deep conversation to an invisible entity on his left
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:41, Reply)
My week isn't going to be great
Seriously busy at work, although the 5 day weekend I've got coming up is something to look forward to.

Alt: So many mentals on facebook I tend to ignore a lot of them.

I saw Brave yesterday, it's not bad, but nothing special, not really worth a trip to the cinema, I'd say.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Morning AA
Good weekend?
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:42, Reply)
*hangs out hook*

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:46, Reply)

hook the back of your mum
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:47, Reply)
Aye, not too bad
Football wasn't a highlight, but what can you do?

Good result for your lot, cracking goal by Zera.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:57, Reply)
It really was
and Silva kind of took the "worst penalty of the weekend" award off Long too, so even that wasn't so bad.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)
This week is going to suck.
However, the week after is going to be way better than yours, so ner.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:53, Reply)
What happens next week?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:55, Reply)
He has decided to end his life.
It's quite common for suicidal people to feel elated once they have finally made the decision to carry it through.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:56, Reply)
You don't know that, I haven't told you what I'll be doing the week after.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 9:55, Reply)

i'll be doing my wife will let me do
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:07, Reply)
She never lets me do ANYTHING
Sometimes I just sulk in my room.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:10, Reply)
it's SO UNFAIR

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:10, Reply)
It isn't going to be better than what I'm doing.
Fact.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:25, Reply)
I fucking hate the pricks that play games on facebook and then send updates about it.
Frank McWank has just made an elf sad on Dragon bumsecs quest!!

srsly, don't fucking care about your usual updates, let alone this shite.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:18, Reply)
I've had to block three people from sending me app requests
All they seem to do is fucking play FB games and send invites out to their entire friends list. I still prefer those people to new mothers, though. Jesus Christ. A whole new order of tedium. My baby! My baby lying down! My baby waving its arms around! Fuck's sake.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:27, Reply)
are you getting broody kroney?
do you want a little baby of your own?
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:29, Reply)
kroney is just bitter because nobody likes his pics of his hamster.
hammy lying down, hammy running, hammy eating its own foot....
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:31, Reply)
This too.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:31, Reply)
you make me sick!

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:34, Reply)
If it's any consolation, I think that the the Hamster pictures were really something.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:37, Reply)
stop fucking encouraging kroney!

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:37, Reply)
It's called sarcasm.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:57, Reply)
I have never understood why people keep rodents as pets.
They're vermin. It's like keeping a Hackney sewer rat as a pet. Sure, he carries rabies and screams all day and night and tries to bite my finger off but his evil little red eyes and wiry black fur are so adorable!
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:38, Reply)
Not broody, no.
I'll probably have kids at some point, but they're hardly on the top of my list of priorities. As for other peoples', they're ugly, squalling, annoying pricks that stink of shit and I strongly resent having them thrust in my face by people I used to work with once.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:31, Reply)
pffft, as if you plan having kids!
in my experience you get steaming and then promise to pull out.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:33, Reply)
That's OK
my spunk's as weak as water.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:35, Reply)
yes, that's also a good line to use.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:35, Reply)
And you can believe it from a frenchman

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:44, Reply)
"Vous do not need to be conzeirned, behbee
"Mon jeezem ees as weak as watter"
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)
ah mon cher, ah don need to uze diz rrrrrrrrubber
mah winkie fires out ze blankz
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)
It's not fucking difficult to make a list of people playing games
and only send requests to them, that's what I do.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:39, Reply)
yeah, I'm not sending pictures of moobs and cock to folk.
I hope tom daley takes you to the fucking cleaners.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:41, Reply)
I have 8 requests for one game.
They're all from the same fucking person. At what point did it not occur to her that if I ignored the first one I don't need any fucking more?

Mind you, she reposted one of those "bring back hanging for paedophiles" pics last week so I probably need to cull her.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:41, Reply)

cu ki
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:42, Reply)
That, too.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:45, Reply)
although, it is technically the same thing
one's just more legitimate than the other.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:45, Reply)
Tia Sharp has brought all the mouth frothing Daily Mail readers out of their anti forrin AIDS bunkers

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)
Next paedophile story that breaks I'm going to troll.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:47, Reply)
I think you should start a petition to bring back crucifixtion
EDIT: if you got 100k signatures, the governement would legally have to discuss it in parliament
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)
I'm starting one to bring back the teaching of spelling.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)
you can't teach spelling man, you have to find it within yourself

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:53, Reply)
YOU GATTOO
search for the spelling inside yourself
search for the spelling insiiiiide
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:56, Reply)
it's really sad though. I haven't been avidly reading it, but I read the first few stories.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)
are you one of those cunts with 800 friends on facebook?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:45, Reply)
Fuck, no
she's someone I play hockey with, and we have a summer mixed team that's mostly organised on facebook.

EDIT - to clarify, though, - obviously I am a cunt.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)
hockey, pffft you fucking girl.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:47, Reply)
mumpers, that's such a lazy stereotypical piece of abuse
I really thought better of you. Sadtimes, my friend. :(
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)
yeah, get the tea on love.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)
My dad was right about you.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:50, Reply)
christ, yap yap yap, all day long.
I just want a fucking cuppa.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)
+ tonsil

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)
Fucking jesus, no
there's not enough mindbleach in the world, Apers. I mean, she's fit enough, but I'd have to listen to her talk.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)
what the fuck do you think ballgags are for?
christ almighty, you really are a woman.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:50, Reply)
you'd have to get it on her first.
Plus, she's a weegie, mumpers, she could talk through a concrete bunker wall.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:52, Reply)
ugh, they are the worst. especially if she's a proper zenga.
ah pure love hockey so ah do. pure mental, wi the sticks and the baws and that. hahahahahahahahaha. let's go oot and get mad wi it drinkin wkd and smirny ice!
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:53, Reply)
I can't help reading that as Geordie.
I think that's as far North as my brain will go.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:55, Reply)
christ, we're not that bad.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:56, Reply)
Yous'll be areet, man. Mint!

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:59, Reply)
You've never met a Geordie, have you?

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:00, Reply)
Aside from DG, Tourettes and my old English lecturer, no.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:02, Reply)
I like how geordies always sound surprised.

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:00, Reply)
They're not very bright.
The world is a constant source of magical mystery and wonder.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:02, Reply)
The Dutch Womans hockey team was pretty hot

(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)
At the risk of defending the indefensible
I suspect that when these fucktards sign up to these games, the terms and conditions to which they agree probably contain something along the lines of "You agree to allow us to rape and pillage your friends-list, computer, email account, underwear drawer and spam the shit out of everyone you have ever met"
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)

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