You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
I'm the funniest person on b3ta. No contest.

Tell me your best joke.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:11, 109 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Sympathy link
new what if www.what-if.xkcd.com/
(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:20, Reply)

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:23, Reply)

Ummmm, I dunno about jokes,
but my friend Liz was telling me about how her mum is indian, and this should really go into the QOTW, but she was telling me this, and I just blurted out "but you're so WHITE!".
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:23, Reply)

sounds exactly like the QOTW
go for it
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:27, Reply)

Front page this now

(PsychoChomp, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:32, Reply)

i don't get it.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:29, Reply)

My friend is white. Her mother is Indian. And dark. and she's not adopted.

(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:33, Reply)

she's albino

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:35, Reply)

Is the milkwoman white?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:36, Reply)

I think they get milk from Wombats in that Australia, Al.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:06, Reply)

Ooh, that reminds me of another joke
What do you do with a Wombat? PLAY WOM WITH IT OF COURSE!!!
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

and you're at university?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:57, Reply)

AUSTRALIAN University, Windy
She goes to an AUSTRALIAN University
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:59, Reply)

oh right,
Of course.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:07, Reply)

I heard the exams are all 'Describe a doe", "What goes with tea?" and "you run a long way away, where are you?"
australol
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 15:18, Reply)

Same old
A young boy goes to his Dad and asks what a vagina is. His Dad responds "Oh son, it's just the best. It's like the most beautiful flower, delicate, yet fantastic...well, before sex anyway." His son, confused, asks "Why Dad, what's it like after sex?"

At this point the Dad goes quiet for a minute or so, before looking seriously at his son and asking "Well, have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?"
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:28, Reply)

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:38, Reply)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:58, Reply)

This caused a few problems on /talk the other day
So I apologise in advance
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 13:58, Reply)

No offence to the once great /talk, Twosie
but putting clothes on in the correct order causes problems for /talk these days.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:05, Reply)

*sigh*
I'm inclined to agree. Used to be fun. Ah well.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:06, Reply)

i miss acid kewpie

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

I miss Dekazer and Flapjack and Fenris and that lot.
And GMoS. Always in R harts, GMoS.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:10, Reply)

flapjack is still about a bit.
But yeah. R.I.P /talk.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

Yeah
He was a good egg. And Eddache. And Binky. And so on and so on.
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:13, Reply)

I miss gooch

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:14, Reply)

totes.
They've all gone to the great big bash called getting a life.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:18, Reply)

Yes
They've found "something better to do"
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:29, Reply)

Eddache has done quite the opposite, hasn't he?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:33, Reply)

no, different edd.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:36, Reply)

is one of them dead, or am I not understanding things?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:44, Reply)

Yeah, but not Eddache

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:45, Reply)

not even a bit?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:48, Reply)

Well only he can confirm
But he seems to be more or less fully alive
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:50, Reply)

I was looking forwards to alot icons :(

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:54, Reply)

I told him that I was disappointed
because I wanted a crack at his wife
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:59, Reply)

Prick

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:06, Reply)

Wanker

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:07, Reply)

Etc.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:07, Reply)

Quite

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

Quite so, Quite so
*lights pipe*
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

Yes, capital
*sips*
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

I know. It's a terrible affliction.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:07, Reply)

Whats the right order to put on clothes?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

Start on the inside and work your way out

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

Common practice dictates the under ones before the outer ones.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

unless you're Superman

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:11, Reply)

or special

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

*licks window*

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:17, Reply)

But socks are under the trousers and they can go on after trousers.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:17, Reply)

they are not under trousers as much as adjacent to trousers.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:17, Reply)

Some of my socks are under some of my trouser though.
Why are trousers ploral?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:25, Reply)

it's more of an overlap than than under.
because you have a pair of them, and I don't know.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:26, Reply)

The singular is trouse.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:29, Reply)

It is a minefield, Gonz.
This is why I practise naturism.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:18, Reply)

I'm the oppersite, I like to shower with swimming trunks on.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:29, Reply)

Alphabetical?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:10, Reply)

Smallest to largest?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:11, Reply)

Bottom to top?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:11, Reply)

Bottom first

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:11, Reply)

shirt before trousers, so it can be properly tucked in

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

Into your underpants?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:16, Reply)

I have no idea whether my scrotal cravatte goes on with or without pants

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:15, Reply)

It doesn't matter,
but if you do wear pants, not winged collar pants, or you'll look like a waiter and everyone will know you're lower class.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:24, Reply)

rofl

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:05, Reply)

Harris?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

Orville?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

Wilbur?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:18, Reply)

Who is your very best freind

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:19, Reply)

Squatter

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 15:00, Reply)

My girlfriend came round unexpectedly yesterday
I need to up her dosage.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:00, Reply)

lol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:02, Reply)

My sex life :(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:02, Reply)

sex
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

hahahahahaha

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

it's funny because it's true

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:13, Reply)

15 years of marriage does that to a man :(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:16, Reply)

Christ, this place is like a morgue.
that joke wasn't yours, so I think you've cheated in the spirit of the question.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:03, Reply)

What's the definition of 'double-blind testing'?
Two orthopaedic surgeons looking at an ECG report.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:05, Reply)

I might tell that to my ortho surgeon mate
see if she decks me.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

I don't get it

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:09, Reply)

It's a medical specialism thing.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:10, Reply)

I have to be honest, I don't think it's that funny to the general populace
but it would probably upset orthopaedic surgeons. although nowhere near as much as it does when you call them osteopaths when you're drunk.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:12, Reply)

I hate being excluded from comedy just because I don't have a degree =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:24, Reply)

I don't have a medical degree
you probably know more about surgical specialisms than me, Gonz
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:25, Reply)

I was wondering, you know how in some cultures they eat bull's testicles, "rocky mountain oysters" and all that. And things like eyeballs
Of all the offal that people eat, has anyone tried eating a vagina?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:31, Reply)

there was tgat cannibal murder guy in south america i think.
But they shot him I think, so you can't really ask him what its like.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:35, Reply)

I heard with his final breath he gasped 'surf and turf'

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:38, Reply)

you could make it like a chicken cordon bleu with melted cheese and tomato sauce seeping out
with a parsley pube garnish on top
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:37, Reply)

I don't think I have a best joke.
and yet, I don't think I am the least funny person on here.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:05, Reply)

Bon Jovi's ill-advised "kids" rock anthem?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:05, Reply)

There are two monkeys in a bath
the first one says "OOOHHHH AAHHHH AHHH AHH AHH"

to which the second replies...






"if it's too hot Colin, put in some cold water"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:06, Reply)

Bill and Ben in a bath
Bill: "flobalobalob!"
Ben: "If you are going to do that, you can get out now"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:08, Reply)

there are two Sky sports presenters hanging out the back of a footballers wife...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:15, Reply)

I hope one is Georgie Thompson

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:29, Reply)

*googles*
Holy crap! Hubba hubba
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:50, Reply)

question
I have a new found love for croissant, does this make me a.twat?
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:30, Reply)

I had an almond one few breakfast today, its well nice.
I think one filled with Bounty Guts would be great.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:32, Reply)

just the one croissant?
Serena to me like you need help.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:33, Reply)

Serena?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:37, Reply)

Venus?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:39, Reply)

Mars?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:41, Reply)

urANUS!

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:57, Reply)

He's got it!

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:49, Reply)

oh baby!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:58, Reply)

www.damnyouautocorrect.com/
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:52, Reply)

How do you catch a rabbit?

Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot.


Laugh, you fuckers, or I'll start with the 'Ask me if I'm a Lemon' joke...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:51, Reply)

are you a lemon?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 15:12, Reply)

Went to the zoo the other day. It only had one animal. A dog.
It was a shih-tzu.
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 14:53, Reply)