Varying Levels of Grammar Nazis
They have this belief that pointing out spelling and grammar errors on the internet somehow makes them look smarter than the average internet-goer.

Here's some news to ya genius - you'RE ON THE INTERNET. THE INTERNET IS FULL OF IDIOTS.

Therefore expect incorrect usage of their/they're/there and apostrophes and all sorts of evil stuff. You don't need to point it out and doing so doesn't make you look smarter to your peers. It just makes you look like a pedantic twat. In fact if you really were that smart you would already know this.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:35, 5 replies)

Oh, so many..
People who use their kids to push in front of you.. Theres a woman on the Dockland Light Railway who does this most mornings, and on a couple of occassions has caused me almost to miss my stop. This morning, she relented a bit and allowed one of her kids to bounce repeatedly off one of my legs..

Lewisham Station. More precisely the fact that the tunnel linking the train station to the DLR station is closed for upgrades (having lifts fitted). There are two tunnels. The other links the platforms to the main train station.

The problem is, despite the fact it's a busy station, south eastern have done absolutely fuck all to reduce the number of people using the station, or manage them effectively when they are there (not even posters to ask people not to use the platform unless necessary). Result: a long queue. Big pisser, especially in the rain, as there is little cover on that platform.

Umbrellas. I hate the fact that some people are happy to take half the bloody pavement up with their umbrellas, when they could often just use a hood.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:33, Reply)

the UK..
..they treat us like twats and what do we do about it? Fuckall..

Me? I'm planning an escape.. anyone with me?
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:33, 1 reply)

Pretty much everything
Pisses me off.

For now though:

1) Stupid people. I say take the warning labels from everything, and let humanity progress properly.

2) People who insist on telling me things about people I'll never meet/don't care about.

3) Cyclists. Yes, there are some decent ones, and they're a pleasure to overtake, but the spandex-swaddled pricks who insist on going up-hill at 15mph, and not allowing you to overtake... That makes me want to run 'em down.

4) Television. I mean, do any of you actually watch the "I'm a celebrity" or "Stupidly dumbed-down quiz" shows? I'd hope not. But someone must be. See point 1) I guess...
( Cawl, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:33, 4 replies)

A few
Old People: You have every hour of the day to yourself, so why do you insist on going to the bank or post office during my lunch hour, faffing around with your purse and your paperwork trying to find what your account balance is? I work average office hours, 9 'til 5, so if I need a blood test I get to the hospital for 8am. Why are you all there as well?!?! What do you have to do for the rest of the day that necessitates you being there so early?!!? And sell your bloody Rover as well, you're not capable of driving it safely anymore.

Toilet Freshener ads: Particularly the poorly dubbed one with the kid on the toilet, pinching his nose going "Peeeeew". We know shit stinks. I don't like to think that you are sitting there with a freshly laid turd, stinking up the toilet.

My 'eco' girlfriend: Who I have to follow around the house, turning off lights that she has switched on. Open. The. Curtains. Then she complains that I don't recycle my beer bottles.

Holding open doors: If I hold a door open for you, say thank you. Otherwise next time I see you, I will let the door close in your face.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:31, Reply)

People who keep the stupid plastic lids on when they drink take-away coffee
That's not what they're there for! They're for transit, and the little hole is just for the stirrer or spoon to poke through - once you are sitting down REMOVE THE PLASTIC LID! It takes much less time to drink and, oh, you don't look like a cretin.

I cannot fathom why people think the done thing is to try and sip their coffee through that tiny little hole. If your fine motor skill isn't developed enough to drink from a cup like a big boy/girl then you probably should have asked your mummy before buying that hot drink.

Whenever I see people doing this I want to ask them whether they ever try to eat bananas with the skin on because 'that's how it gets given to you'.

*EDIT* If you are on a train then yes obviously keep the lid on and drink through the tiny hole, that's what the lid is for (TRANSIT), but the people who then sit at their desks and keep the lid on... I think they're idiots essentially. Thinking about it, I suppose they're trying to say 'I'm so terribly fucking busy that me and my coffee might be on the move again at a moment's notice - so I'd better keep the Tommy Tippee lid on!'
(freakybumblebee, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:31, 4 replies)

bar 'tards
People in bars who order one drink, wait for their kindly bar person to deliver said drink then order another one, then another one, then another and so on. These pricks will inevitably finish the order with a pint of Guinness (which, as everyone should know, comes at the start of the order to allow settling time). Not only does this sort of fuck wittery make ordering drinks take twice as long it implies you don't think the person serving is capable of retaining more than one drink order at a time you cunt!
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:29, Reply)

@ browsers wine tasting issues
The second cheapest is always the wine on the list with the highest mark-up - no one wants to be seen buying the cheapest so restaurateurs are wise to this - it's usually cheap crap. Ironically the cheapest is often better. If this is your ploy you’d probably be best just buying the house – there’s no shame in this. The house wine will be as good as the level of cuisine, simple as that.

'spunking' £12.95 is not really that expensive - do remember restaurants have ever increasing overheads. Yes they do add 60% or even more but they also make your dinner and serve it to you. They are also entitled to make a profit - it's a business not school dinners.

When 'tasting wine' your right - you don’t need to turn in to Baron Rothschild.

Never 'taste' the house wine. It is regarded as being 'good' as it is your host's own recommendation. So it's an insult to doubt his taste.

Which brings us on to the 'tasting' you are merely looking to see if it is corked - this is 10 times more likely with white wine - it's easy to spot... do swill the glass a little but not ostentatiously then get your nose in. If it smells like damp cardboard it's fucked.

There is no real need to taste it. Your wine waiter or if it's a proper posh place 'sommelier' will appreciate this from you.

If when you do taste it is seems 'vinegary' it may be oxidized. Let the waiter deal with it.

Don’t be afraid to ask the waiter his advice - he's not just there to sell you the most expensive bottle.

If you want a bargain avoid classic wines from classic regions - they're often over marked up because people simply recognise them.
Instead try a variety you like but from an emerging new area of production - i.e. cabernets and merlots from Argentina or Chile are often fantastic at a fraction of their European counterparts. also look out for regional varieties that are close to the classic region i.e. if you like Chianti try montepulciano d'abruzzo

‘Bin ends’ are also a good way to get a bargain -again don’t be afraid to ask.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:28, Reply)

Dyslexia
at least call it something that is easier to spell.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:27, 2 replies)

Ill timed adverts
Why is it that when I'm trying to eat and the TV is on, adverts for nappies, sanitary towels / tampons, laxatives / bung up pills or thrush treatments always appear? Must be trying to get me to lose weight.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:27, 3 replies)

the royal family as well..
parasitic cock suckers..

fancy thinking a quick 5 mins in afghanistan excuses you of being a complete wanker...
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:27, Reply)

People who don't wash their hands
..after having a crap.

I don't care if you're too embarrased because (oh noes!) someone heard you fart a bit - think of all the people you're passing disease onto!

After leaving the cubicle, you'll be leaving samples of your faeces all over the place for unfortunates to handle. Some may contract liver infections and spend several weeks looking like a Simpsons character, vomitting, and not being allowed to drink alcohol, and all because you didn't want to wash your hands.

We all have stinky, noisy bottoms, but only complete bastards don't wash their hands after they've handled one.

(this rant may have been inspired by a previous entry and a bit of an unpleasant experience)
( spatuluk, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:26, Reply)

Fat Vs Thin
There's been a few posts on this all ready so I thought I'd give you my take.

Obese people, of either sex, or fucking disgusting - without the fucking. If I have to roll some bitch in flour and the aim for where it stuck, you're too fat.

If I have to say:

"For fucks sake - fart and give me a clue"

You're too fat.

Conversely, if, when you're standing on one leg taking your knickers off, and your leg snaps, you're probably anorexic. Drink some fucking milk.

From a purely (personal) sexual-attractiveness point of view, women need tits. If they don't have them, I'm not interested. I also like some flesh on my women - looking at your rib cage makes me want to break-out my xylophone hammers, not fuck you.

But, and this is important, a woman's body needs to be in harmony to look good. Probably one of the most grotesque things I can think of is a skinny woman with breast implants. You look like a hentai image.

And yes, I know, this is a terribly sexist, imagist, "you only think of women as sex objects" kind of post. And it probably is.

But I've noticed myself, more and more, having my eyes drawn towards particularly skinny girls when I'm out with the Mrs. Exactly the way my eyes are drawn to really obese women. And the same thought goes through my head.

"For fuck's sake, eat a pie. Ask the fat bitch - she's probably got some in her handbag"

I'm going to hell.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:26, 3 replies)

Lists
I fucking hate lists.

It says post your own story, not post a fucking list.

Post a story!

(this is actually bollocks, some of them have been very well written)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:26, 5 replies)

..bad spelling & punctuation like everyone else..
..but also graham norton - arghh!!!
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:25, Reply)

On a similar vane to the previous
Man-flu

This is a term invented by women guilty of the generalisations mentioned in my previous post for describing an over reaction to a minor illness or for someone pulling a sickie.

any man who says "oh I'm coming down with man-flu" is a fucking idiot and deserves to have their balls removed. with extreme prejudice
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:24, 1 reply)

just read a reply to someone's answer
Multitasking

this set off a huge explosion causing the dam to breah on the bile reservoir

sweeping sexual generalisations.

I'm a man. I can multitask, I have a good memory, I have a good sense of spatial awareness. I do not suffer with fucking man-flu

While the following is a sweeping sexual generalisation, it's allowed because it's true.

Women: Just because someone is a man, does not mean that they are guilty of everything that your stupid cunt loser boyfriends have been guilty of.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:23, 1 reply)

Trinny and Susannah
Nuff' said.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:22, Reply)

lunch
The fact I've been waiting since 10 to have my lunch and now it's actually lunch time I'm really not hungry.
(lei, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:19, Reply)

My Pet, Peeves
My aunt, who I live with, once had a parrot named Peeves.


/Sorry
( SubCulture Hero ... ... He... .... Comes ... ...., Fri 2 May 2008, 12:19, 2 replies)

3)
People who take to long at cash machines

They exist purely to dole out money.

Approach cash machine, insert card, type in pin number, select check balance, on screen, go back to main page, select cash, select amount, do not get a receipt, take card , take cash, leave. Thats it, 45 seconds maximum.

The ONLY other thing that should take place is thus

Approach cash machine, insert card, type in pin number, select check balance, on screen, go "well that doesn't look right", go back to main screen, select Print mini statement, look at mini statement, go "oh yes, thats ok then" and proceed to withdrawing cash OR go "Oh fuck", remove card and proceed to nearest bank. 60-90 seconds maximum,



DO NOT stand there like a fucking bump on a log wondering about direct debits, what day it is, why your balance does not add up, working out how much you might have spent yesterday and DO NOT change your pin number, order a statment, press every damn button on the screen, take out card, insert another card, get the pin numbers confused, take out card, insert first card, use second cards pin number, get confused, look in wallet, remove card, insert third card, enter 3 wrong pin numbers, get angry, insert first card, get pin number eventually after muttering "now whose date of birth did i use?" print a balance, print a receipt, throw it away and eventually wander off.

Just. Go. Into. The. Fucking. Bank. You. Stupid. fucking. Cunt.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:18, 2 replies)

My Chemical Romance.
I really hate them.

No, 'hate' is not a strong enough word.

I mean I really fucking despise them.

Whiney American twats.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:18, 7 replies)

Jonathan Wilkes..
Need I say anymore, erstwhile bum-attachment of Robbie Williams..
(sdrawkcab, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:18, Reply)

This makes me fucking mad...
We live in a free society don't we?

We take it for granted that the UK - the cradle of modern democracy - has more freedoms than states like Israel, or indeed Argentina?

Read and fume folks...

www.privacyinternational.org/article.shtml?cmd%5B347%5D=x-347-545269

The UK has a similar level of state sponsored surveillance together with seriously inadequate privacy laws as places like Russia, North Korea and China.

And to think I've just finished reading 1984.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 2 May 2008, 12:16, 3 replies)

People telling me what I do for a living
I'm a librarian. Nothing wrong with that, but what really winds me up is everyone I tell, and I mean badger-bothering EVERYONE, responds by putting their fingers to their lips and going "sssshhhhh". Please stop! Especially if that is not the end of my sentence, don't sodding interrupt me to say "sssshhh".

Even people I've known for years think that all I do all day is tell people to be quiet. For the record I don't, but if I bloody did why do you think I want to hear it from you? When you meet an accountant do you respond with "3+3 is 6", or if you meet someone who works in a call centre do you immediately imitate the sound of a phone ringing??!

... Actually that's not such a bad idea...
(MsZuzu, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:16, Reply)

Girl Farts
Not the act of the fart itself, the fact that so many do everything they can to hide this particular bodily function. Just let it go already, let it rip and marvel at the stunned faces of all those present. Why hide them, a well timed release of anal gas can be fun and funny.

Of all of the women that I've dated (counted on one hand unfortunately), only one ever farted in front of me, and she spent the rest of the evening blushing madly as if I'd just walked in on her servicing herself (which I did, how I know what the blush looked like). Be f*cking proud, grab a hand full of your gas and throw it into someones face shouting 'Cup-a-Pump'.

God dammit, fart in bed and hold my head under the covers for once, give me the horn that would........

Hmmmm, seem to gone from pet peeves to what turns me on in a very short space of time. Oh well, I stand by my rant, but upwind of it.

Length? Got one to last for 2 minutes once while screaming 'Hadoken'. Made me smile.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Fri 2 May 2008, 12:16, 2 replies)

Television
I like quite a lot of the programmes on Paramount Comedy. My little brain gets a little rest as I zone out to Frasier et al.

I can't watch it anymore. They show the SAME 4 trailers on a loop every single add break. I think at the moment it is SATC, Scrubs, Everybody Loves Chris, and one with a clown.

They also increase the volume at ad break time, to such an extent that I'm running around the living room searching for the remote control, screaming "MY EARS, MY EARS"

I always say "I'm going to write a furious letter about this, they MUST realise it drives people insane to watch the same fucking adverts every 15 minutes" but I never do. Instead I just flick over the channel to watch the adverts on every other fucking channel, because they're are ALL ADVERTS, ALL THE TIME.

*BRAIN EXPLODES*
I am going to have to step back from this QOTW or I'm going to have a stroke.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:14, Reply)

Various
The inappropriate use of apostrophes really pisses me off especially when it's written on a sign or in a shop window. Like "No more than 2 school kid's at a time" or "MOT's while U wait".
There's even a shop near by called "Simply PC's" emm whose pc's??

Also people who can't tell the difference between YOU'RE and YOUR, THERE, THEIR and THEY'RE.

And people who say MINES IS and SEMENLY instead of SEEMINGLY.

And on a slightly different note: companies who advertise their email address with a free or ISP email like [email protected] or [email protected]. For £6 a year you can register a domain and set up email forwarding! It at least looks more professional and is a bit easier to remember!
(rosstheboss, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:13, Reply)

..barney the purple cunt & other children's TV faves..
sportacus = cunt

tots tv = cunts.. & one of them has mysteriously changed colour??

rosie & jim = cunts, although they did get rid of the predatory paedophile-looking fizzgog so fair play...
(sdrawkcab, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:11, Reply)

This is just the start...
The "Alternative"

Now, I don't mean people who listen to rock music or dress in baggy jeans. I'm talking about the wank buckets who stand around in their little groups all looking as fucking rediculous as each other judging anybody who doesn't look like them or people they presume don't listen to the same music they do.

People going on at me to eat free range.

If a chicken is having a shitty life they're more likely going to want to die then if they were having a ball of a time running around in fields being all happy. I'd rather eat depressed suicidal chickens thanks, they're all going to die anyway, why give them false hope? That's my choice and I'm fucking sticking to it

People who spell you stupidly

yew, yoo or any other stupid way which isn't in any way shorter and looks completely rediculous. There is no point to it.

Topshop

Yes I have got fatter but that doesn't mean your jeans haven't got smaller. I can easily fit into the jeans I got from there a couple of years ago but now, the jeans that are the same size and the same style don't fit. Now, I'm a bit chubby but not obese yet the largest size don't fit. This is even weirder when the size smaller from Bench are too big. Not everybody is as skinny as Kate Moss, cater for people a bit bigger please. Incidently, Kate Moss is a cock monkey.

"The customer is always right"

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. WHEN YOU'RE WRONG YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG. Being a twat is going to make us stick to our desicion even more, we tend to bend the rules slightly for customers who are nice and treat us with respect.

Santa Claus

It's encouraging children to believe in bollocks, potentially will devestate them and makes kids think lying is ok.
(lei, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:11, 5 replies)