Cringe-worthy erotica
Have you ever been sent some erotica that was so bad you felt embarrassed for the author? Have you written something and years later; think, "Did I really write this?" Or have you read something that involves such a 'unique' fetish that you just shrivelled up inside? Please share these 'masterpieces'.
(mistaspakkaman - record-holder for most subtle muff-diving joke, Mon 12 May 2008, 23:23, Reply)

zombie survival plans
i recently updated my zombie survival escape/defence plan after moving house. tell us all your plans for survival on that inevitable day when the zombies finally attack!
( Smash Monkey lick, drink, lick, suck., Mon 12 May 2008, 22:37, Reply)

When I'm falling asleep
my brain often wanders off on very strange tangents- last night I got onto thinking about the detective investigation that surrounded Peter Sutcliffe.

What strange thoughts do you have when falling asleep?
(Madam Marlboro, Mon 12 May 2008, 20:47, Reply)

books that have
changed your life in some way or had a large impact on your outlook that you'd recommend to others

I only found out about Robert Kiyosaki's "Rich Dad, poor Dad" series from a recommendation, so why not have a QOTW on inspirational books and recommendations?
(The Goat wwww.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Mon 12 May 2008, 16:34, 1 reply)

You bet
Do you remeber MAtthew Kelly on 'YOU BET? There would be all these mad acrobats and small boys who could recognise birds by their tail fethers. What is your 'YOU BET'skill? Memorising telephone books? juggling jelly? doing triple somersaults?

Mine is the ability to find things in the house ("It's on the second shelf down in the cupboard beside the sink, three jars in from the left hand side")
(seeballs, Mon 12 May 2008, 14:51, Reply)

Watching Strangers
Alright folks, what about when you're in public and you see strange little stories unfold in front of you with complete strangers? It could be domestic abuse, drug dealings, internet meets, escort meets, ebay meets, easy pulls, drunken antics, lost wedding ring. Ok you get the picture, any old trash you can't take your busybody eyes away from! Personally I always wonder if any1 seen me when a bloke from sierra leone approached me in Bangkok with regards to smuggling items. Surely it's possible people presumed I was getting propositioned to partake in illegal activities?
(muzzvsworld, Sat 10 May 2008, 15:09, Reply)

What about...
"I'm not even supposed to be here today!!!"

Get dragged into work on your day off, mayhem ensues... you get the picture.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 9 May 2008, 21:10, Reply)

Lindsay Lohan
How about encounters with Lindsay Lohan? Maybe you have a friend who saw her once, maybe you watched one of her films or saw her on TV, or maybe she's recorded some music, it seems fairly likely, maybe you've heard it, perhaps you could say what you think about it. Maybe you haven't heard it, maybe you could expess how you feel about that. Maybe you are Lindsay Lohan and want to put the record straight about whatever you have/haven't done.
( Last Night A DJ Pedestrianised The High Street yawn, Fri 9 May 2008, 13:35, Reply)

What do you want to do before you die
What is the the one big thing you'd like to do before you die? For me it's conducting the Vienna Symphony Orchestra in Mahler's 5th symphony. Or possible shagging Jeri Ryan. Tough one.
(Ruddles, Fri 9 May 2008, 9:56, 1 reply)

What makes you cry?
Either what can be guaranteed to leave you in floods of tears, e.g. "Zu-Zu's petals", or When did you last cry and why?
(Che Grimsdale Just elbow me in the ribs if I start snoring, Fri 9 May 2008, 9:01, 2 replies)

What is your big science question?
I've often wondered how goldfish could have gone through millions of years of evolution without learning how to stop eating when they're full. Do you have a big science question? Or a theory that explains everything?
( flatfrog Hand me the shark repellant bat spray, Fri 9 May 2008, 8:45, Reply)

I used to know a guy with LOVE amateurly tattooed across his left knuckles
Apparently, he didn't tattoo HATE on the other knuckles because he was right-handed and only realised at that point that he couldn't finish the job.

Have you ever started something you couldn't finish?

Tell us about the hilarious consequences.
( finnbar The king of the potato people won't let me, Thu 8 May 2008, 22:09, Reply)

getting shut of a stalker..
Ok, it was a bit stupid at the time (and still is) here goes.

Im a solicitor(queue hatred of unimaginable quantity) and got talking on the phone to this girl who used to be connected to my firm a few hundred miles away up north. she sounded cute. she said she looked like Halle Berry - so sounded even cuter.

Arranged to meet her when up north one day. Even though i was pissed, she looked more like Chuck Berry but "what the fuck" still worth a flirt and a bit of phone sex.

A couple of weeks passed and I just got bored. I know, but the novelty just wore off and maybe i just couldnt imagine her as Halle Berry any more.

The usual "im sorry but" turned to "fuck off and stop hastling me" to inventing a girlfriend (by then i had a real one but i wasnt going to tell her i had a stalker) who even told her to fuck off. no, 10 texts a night and countless voicemail messages. nothing bad enough to tell the police and anyway the real girlfriend would find out.

So, "lets cause her inconvenience" I arranged countell (actuallt 12) meeting with her and failed to turn up at the hotel - which was hundreds of miles away from where she lived - still no effect (maybe my phone sex was that good?)

she made the mistake of emailing me from work - so i grassed her in to her boss and she got the sack

still she contacted me.

getting a bit desperate i met up with her and had the worst possible sex - as humiliting as you can. i still cringe when i think about it.

nope, still keeps on coming

the only thing that worked - bought a sim card, sent her a text pretending to be from a friend telling her "we found your name in xxxxxx's phone, we dont recognise who you are - please contact us"...she did
"im sorry, xxxxxx died in a car crash last week"

success! a month of nothing from her..though i do miss the phone sex.

any tips on chucking someone for good (short of faking death)


****edit, im running the risk that "Halle" reads this in which case, i really am dead and this has been typed through a medium ****
(pilpsuk, Thu 8 May 2008, 21:19, 1 reply)

not enough soap in the world to get me clean
what have you done that made you feel dirty ?
(willenium ,Mingeslapper-Gashworthy-Axewound, Thu 8 May 2008, 19:47, Reply)

Brilliant.
Not one "last" post this week.

Howabout "things you LOVE" sometime soon?
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is probably rooting through the "QOTW suggestions", Thu 8 May 2008, 12:33, 2 replies)

Faux Pas.
I recently cracked a 'your mum' joke to a friend, only to instantly remember that she lost her mother to cancer when we were 13.

I can't be the only person here with foot-in-mouth disease. Make me feel better.
(floyd the grocer cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 8 May 2008, 9:39, Reply)

Skiving bastard
I took friday off due to the fact i was injured playing hockey (what man plays hockey ffs!?) whats your latest poor exuse for skiving (and whats your best?)
(Xyphious ......Lovin' teh Gin, Wed 7 May 2008, 15:51, Reply)

Things you have done that have made you look like a complete and utter idiot
Apologies if this has already been done - I am having a day of it!

I just cried down the phone at my boyfriend as I am having a stressful day and my speakers stopped working, and it was the last straw. I had a moment of clarity during my sobbing however - I hadn't turned my speakers on.

What things have you done to make you look like you really have no brain at all?
(Petite chien was a minor disaster on, Wed 7 May 2008, 15:45, Reply)

When I were a young un
I would write pardodies of the films that I watched.

Indiana Scones and the Temple of the Lost Crusade, and Cretaceous Park, for example.

So, what did you do when you were a kid when it was too rainy to go out? -or something, I really have no idea where I was going with this.
( Bert Monkeysex wants to talk about perginas, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:43, Reply)

Strange thoughts that you have
For example, due to the close proximity of Humphrey Lyttelton dying and GTA IV being released, I couldn't help but wonder what Humph would have made of it.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Wed 7 May 2008, 3:28, 2 replies)

THINGS YOU LOVE
Because there's too much hatred in the pet peeves QOTW, we need a counter balance.
( Thinker ain't afraid of no ghost, Tue 6 May 2008, 15:51, 1 reply)

Crazy people
that you live with. Everybody must have somebody!
(Petite chien was a minor disaster on, Sun 4 May 2008, 15:16, Reply)

chavs
chavs and pikeys are all the rage right now why not have everyones run ins and encounters with them =]
(strangeboy123 *ahem* Sex XD, Fri 2 May 2008, 21:28, Reply)

On a school night...
On Wednesday night this week, for no good reason, I got absolutely twunted with a guy I work with. Said evening involved strippers, several bottles of Bollinger, bouncer bribery and latex gloves. Y'know, the usual. I decided to round off the night by puking somewhere in the vicinity of my bog and passing out fully clothed.

Why did I pay £20 for an ugly stripper to show me her fanny? Why did I drink till puking point? Why did I do this on a school night?

What stupidly irresponsible drinking sessions have you guys had on a school night?
(rcgeorge23, Fri 2 May 2008, 20:17, Reply)

Mayday! Mayday!
Today is May Day, so why not tell us about any "Mayday" situations you've been in? Either an emergency, or a story about dancing around a pole...
( stereoroid in mono where available, Thu 1 May 2008, 18:50, Reply)

PLEASE
Can you (mods) put a cap on this for now, open up a NEW 'QOTW Suggestions' board and let people vote for it for, say, a month. Then use the top voted four for the up-coming month.

What do you say?
(Che Grimsdale Just elbow me in the ribs if I start snoring, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:12, 1 reply)

Sellotape stories
Share your amusing adhesive tape stories on b3ta. It might be a long and cathartic tale about that first roll of Duck Tape you ever bought from the local hardware store and the adventures you went through together, or it could be a witty one liner about novel uses for electrical tape.

Why do I have a horrible feeling this will be taken seriously as a QOTW subject real soon?
(PJM Per effluvia, ad astra, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:17, 1 reply)

Lies you have been told
That QOTW questions should be interesting and not repeated.

I am also highly aware that a lies (CV/parents)QOTW has been asked before which means I have a chance of getting picked *fingers crossed*
(The Grammar Badger my tea's gone cold & my water's gone warm on, Thu 1 May 2008, 14:55, Reply)

The book of mischief
Im sure as teens, most of us have come across this glorious book.

I did.

And I managed to blow up my parents oven and total a car because of it

If this gets posted I will tell the story
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO before i follow through, Thu 1 May 2008, 13:15, 1 reply)

Taxi Driver
I just spent twenty minutes listening to a Taxi Driver who had almost the exact same political stance as Hitler.

But it was alright

As he ended each deeply racist comment with "but im not racist"

Have you had any odd experiences ina taxi
( KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO before i follow through, Thu 1 May 2008, 13:12, 2 replies)