misheard song lyrics
"midnight! i feel wasted"... blindly carolled my friend jo along with the brand new heavies. thus ensuring a whole decade of piss taking.

any others??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Jun 2004, 9:48, Reply)

topical - procrastination
the best/most effective way you ever avoided doing revision or work... can involve elaborate lying, trickery, obsessive hobbies, faking dyslexia for extra time in exams, hospitalisation under false pretences, etc etc.. might have some useful pointers for the younger b3tans!
(griffster, Sun 30 May 2004, 20:49, Reply)

I think
worst ways you've been broken up with or you've done the breaking etc
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sun 30 May 2004, 15:11, Reply)

Crap Date Stories?
A few years back I was at college in Gosport which is across Portsmouth Harbour from Portsmouth. It was nearly Christmas and the girlfriend was going shopping with her friends for the late night opening. Would I like to go along too?

We walked down to the ferryport on a crisp December night with everyone all excited about Chrimbo and what not. We got on the Gosport Ferry which chugs over to the city and the two of us sat on the top with her friends below deck.

We sat, cuddled together, kissing in the night with HMS Warrior's main mast decorated in lights which danced on the water's surface. A gentle drizzle began to fall but the happy couple, her and me, stayed on top of the boat.

When we reached Portsmouth there was a gentle bump as the boat tied up and her friends called up to us "Come on you two! Let's go!". Being a gentleman I let her walk down the steps first before I followed.

At this point I slipped on the top step and grabbed at the wet railing. You can't hold on to a wet railing so I started to slide down the steps like an experienced sailor in a war film. I couldn't stop!

BANG

I kicked by beautiful girlfriend in both shoulder blades at one and floored her in front of her open-mouthed mates. Slowed down only slightly by the impact I continued down the rails until I reached the bottom where she lay.

BANG

I landed standing on both of her ankles which twisted her feet outwards. At this point she screamed attracting the attention of large group of festive shoppers who turned to watch a maniac student stamp on his girlfriend.

Her friends never liked me and we broke up a few months later.

So yeah, crap date stories are always fun.
(castro, Sat 29 May 2004, 18:42, Reply)

May I reccomend
Incidents with small children. Be they baby-sitting, talking in a cinema, etc.
(DeadCats, Sat 29 May 2004, 4:36, Reply)

the post....
Whats the wierdest thing you've ever been sent through the post? or have you sent something weird/surreal or just down right psycho killer scary in the post to someone?
And more importantly did it arrive or did the Royal mail manage to a)lose it. b)break it or c)deliver it to the wrong fucking house, which is empty and you have to make an appointment with the estate agents to go in and surreptitiously steal a parcel that is yours anyway without the agent knowing, and then drive off and pretend you don't actually live next door...
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 28 May 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Ever been caught
using company resources (e.g. computer, fax, photocopier or even just post-it notes) for improper activities?
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 28 May 2004, 13:45, Reply)

Careful what you wish for
On the way to work each morning, I have the pleasure of cycling down a nice long hill. At the bottom is a set of lights and a junction, and its a pain that these lights are always on red when I get to them, as it means I can't keep the momentum I've gained on the way down. What I usually do is slow right down and look both ways. As it's 7 in the morning and the junction is usually quite quiet, there is very rarely any traffic coming from the other direction, but as its a blind corner, its not worth the risk of just whizzing straight through.

Unless you're the w*nker who whizzed past me yesterday morning. I saw him approach the lights (which were on red as usual) and he made no attempt to brake. I thought to myself, 'what a t*sser. I hope he gets hit by a bloody car now'

Which is exactly what happened seconds later. Did I feel guilt? No. Did I laugh manically at my special powers? Oh yes!
(counterblast to agnosticism, Fri 28 May 2004, 12:41, Reply)

Prostitutes!
Prostitute stories, anybody?

No? Oh Well.
(nyorsk, Thu 27 May 2004, 22:02, Reply)

Teachers!
Ive got loads of crazy teachers in my school. Theres one RE teacher who constantly tells his class of his adventures around the world. This really may not sound like much but when you hear stories about being a missionary in Burma every lesson, it really does get boring.

Oh, and he watches The Fresh Prince of Bel Air as well, which is odd because he is about 60 or something.

**Oh and another thing, our Vice Principal, a woman by the way, has the biggest, bushiest moustache going. It's like she used to be the bearded lady or something. Her facial hair make is really hard to take threats of suspension seriously.
(nyorsk, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:57, Reply)

howdy
i've lied many times in my life....some good and some bad...people who say they don't lie are the worst liers (can't spell)...wankers...the best ones are often to get yourself out of a sticky or troublesome situation...these are usually very elaborate....my dad is gay, i had an accident with indoor fireworks etc....i'd like to hear peoples stupid elaborate lies please?
(gerrytaggart, Thu 27 May 2004, 14:07, Reply)

Skiving
"I can't come in to work today cos I've gone blind," said Adey on the phone one morning.

He was back in the next day. "I got better," he said.

I was wondering what other excuses people have given to skip work/ school/ whatever.
( teedyay, Thu 27 May 2004, 9:54, Reply)

Ever been the victim or perpetrator
of a wicked stag do/hen night prank?
( Biffins Bridge, Thu 27 May 2004, 1:49, Reply)

Bastards
We've all met, and probably know, dozens of people who when it really comes down to it are in fact wankers. Intense bastards. For instance...

I used to work in the catering bit for a big old posh public school, basically serving food and cleaning. The head chef was/is this giant sweaty fat rude ignorant lecherous twat, who'd spend 20 minutes shouting at people because they'd put the tomatoes in the tub upside down. Anyway...
After I'd left the job two of my friends still worked there, and he hated them even more then he seemed to hate most people. After they had both left the fat dick chef then confessed to the other employees (we know other friends that still work there, lord knows why) that the reason he didn't like these two was because he was walking past the staff room one day, and they were making out. Not only is this a blatent lie (both being straight, with girlfriends), but he seemed to imagine that two males kissing was a justifiable reason to hate them.

I forget what I was talking about.
( jme, Wed 26 May 2004, 11:16, Reply)

Do one for the girls:
Worst period happenings.
(ladycat, Wed 26 May 2004, 8:20, Reply)

Yowch!
Funniest injuries?
Sleepwalking disasters?
Internet-based cock-ups?
School related follies?
(New Lassic; new danger, Tue 25 May 2004, 20:12, Reply)

Most mutilated corpse subject to medical school exam practices?
In my A and P class, our guy had had an orchiectomy (balls removed) and had silicone replacements. We didn't know until my instructor opened the scrotum and accidently nicked one. She saw that it was leaking goo and whipped it out to hold up before the class and remark on it. It was ok until the silicone started to leak down her arm. Then the two men in the class fainted.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 25 May 2004, 0:58, Reply)

Worst bet you've ever lost?
Have you ever lost thousands or had to do a really nasty forfeit? What were the circumstances?

Funniest tales please, you can also post bets you've won but only if you screwed over some poor sod apart from a bookie.
( wingphil, Mon 24 May 2004, 13:37, Reply)

Injuries
I have managed to concuss myself a few times (not always alcohol related). I am permanently bruised from walking into desks and the like. Give me a sharp object and I will accidentally cut myself. So the question is - what is the worst injury you have accidentally inflicted on yourself? Or indeed, an unwitting bystander?
( Strangey is present at, Sun 23 May 2004, 10:33, Reply)

Do you remembere when we used to sing...
shalalalalalaladida?
(Egret, Fri 21 May 2004, 23:17, Reply)

What should we ask?
Does your body respond oddly to normal events or places?

For some reason, I always get gas in Halmark when shopping for birthday cards.
(rodentsRred, Fri 21 May 2004, 21:38, Reply)

PRANK PHONE CALLS
hello is MR. Walls there?
No
IS Miss Walls there?
no
Is there any walls in your house?
no
Must get bloody cold in the winter :D
(Adam Mack, Fri 21 May 2004, 16:42, Reply)

My 2p for Question of the Week:
What was your most fondly remembered kids TV program when you were growing up.
(Felchman, Fri 21 May 2004, 13:35, Reply)

i reckon
mediocre things that make you happy.

Like when you dropkick a football and you think its gonna hit the hard kid, but it just swerves and hits the fat kid, thus making you a hero.

Or the feeling of taking the foil of a fresh jar of coffee, and smelling the sweet coffee scent. mmmmm coffee
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Fri 21 May 2004, 13:31, Reply)

Most mutilated corpse subject to medical school exam practices?
C'mon everybody, share your HILARIOUS stories of when you stitched up a man leaving him with two penises attached to his shoulders! Imagine, gripping your hand with your cock and thrusting your arm up and down... on second thoughts, don't.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 20 May 2004, 19:09, Reply)

What is the wierdest "wrong number" you have every received?
Heres mine: I picked up the phone, I heard many people talking in a different language, then someone said sorry down the phone and hung up.
(notar3alp3rs0n, Wed 19 May 2004, 20:51, Reply)

How about
"That only happens in movies!": things so unlikely or surreal you'd think they couldn't occur in real life - until they do...
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Wed 19 May 2004, 18:28, Reply)

Sex disasters !
'nuff said
(Shifty Bloke, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:11, Reply)

Internet blunders
such as when i 100% truthfully by accident absentmindedly typed

www.hotmale.com rather than www.hotmail.com

Oh dear oh dear
(Johnny2 Harrumph!, Wed 19 May 2004, 13:02, Reply)