For cat lovers
A friend of mine was asked to look after a cat that was known to have some bowel trouble. He found the experience so traumatic that he kept a diary (from the cat's point of view):

SUNDAY AM
I left a nice surprise for Bob: a sloppy crap so powerful that it actually emitted its own frequency, and about 4 litres of piss. He wept while he dealt with that! I must have had a bit of an upset tummy. So I did that squinty-eyed, tongue-out thing to make myself look cute.

SUNDAY PM
Tummy back to normal now and a left a firm cigar in the box. I think he’s proud of the way I always drop them right at the back, halfway up the plastic bag. Did a little wee, too.

MONDAY AM
I greeted Bob at the door today. Not personally, you understand, but via the medium of smell. He’d tried to trick me by evenly distributing the litter about the box to catch every dribble – but I defeated him! I distributed three sloppy turds: one in each back corner and one up the side. All of them missed the litter completely! Call me Catson Pollock. Oh, and I managed to leave a squit on the floor outside the box, too.

MONDAY PM
Had a little sleep and went downstairs for another back-of-the-box special. When Bob arrived (the stench of this morning’s faecal bonanza still ringing in his nostrils), he saw the food bowl and decided to bring a fresh bowl of shrimp and jelly upstairs to me. Then he tickled my ears and neck for a while and I purred like a motorbike.

TUESDAY AM
Finished all my food overnight but didn’t do a poo. That means I’ll have a monster offering waiting tonight!

TUESDAY PM
I wasn’t very impressed with today’s turd. Just a bit of a splat really – not much body to it.

WEDNESDAY AM
Ha! Managed some rectal gymnastics last night. I squirted it up the back and over the lip of the tray into the box – I think it was wind-assisted. Bob was visibly moved. As usual, he topped up my bowls with something tasty… or should I say he topped up my bowels

WEDNESDAY PM
Only a little wee. Today I washed my bum and generally gave myself a good clean.

THURSDAY AM
Just when Bob thought he had seen everything, I managed a work of scatological art: two craps one on top of the other… both of entirely different hues and textures! It was like a birthday cake for him – albeit one with a teeth-clenching stench. I also managed to scratch though the plastic so that my wee ran into the box and had to be washed out. After Bob had cleaned up, we had a nice chat – or rather, I ignored him as I ate my hake and halibut. Lovely!

THURSDAY PM
I managed to excel myself by presenting Bob with something entirely new. It looked like a desiccated turd or a mummified cocoon of some kind. It was a fur ball I’d been carrying around all week and I’m sure glad to be rid of it! (Sorry about the dribbly vomit, though.

FRIDAY AM
Feeling very affectionate this morning. I was waiting for Bob when he came through the door and I meowed constantly as he dealt with a rather unimpressive splat I’d done in the litter. Then I gambolled about his legs and cried for more cuddles – he’s a specialist with the ears. I think I’ll do a gigantic crap for him tonight! I know he likes that.

SATURDAY AM
An interesting litter tray this morning. I did the usual back-of-the-box, but also one on the right hand side for variety. He gave me a tasty stick and tickled my head for a while. He also noticed the crap dribble I seem to have made on the carpet in the corridor upstairs – sorry about that!

SATURDAY PM
I was feeling very affectionate and tried to climb on Bob for a cuddle, but he wouldn’t let me (saying my back end was too clotted with abomination).

MONDAY AM
(Did a little poo – about the size and shape of one of those brown slugs. Oh, and I washed my bum.)

MONDAY PM
A nice big crap for Bob to clear up. As he was holding his breath, he noticed the claim on the side of the litter bag that it neutralises all odours. We laughed about that one!

TUESDAY AM
Galileo revolutionised the way we see the sun. Einstein changed relativity. And today I did a perfectly formed, firm panatela at the front of the box. And I rolled it in litter a bit to kill the smell! Impressive, eh!

TUESDAY PM
Bob arrived to find my entire body surrounded by a bizarre iridescent chrysalis. Clearly, I had been co-opted in a strange alien experiment and would emerge a month later as a pterodactyl. Only joking! It was the same old story – did a shit, had some food and a stroke.
(Fothermucker, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:24, 5 replies)

Great answer!
Cracked me up!
(Errorist, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:35, closed)

Haha!
Catson Pollock ftw!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:41, closed)

fucking hilarious
I've actually shed a silent tear of hilarity reading that.

utter class
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:47, closed)

Brilliant
My stomach hurts from supressed laughter. Worth it though.
(whale eye beef hooked, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 20:25, closed)

Clicking, because I've not laughed that hard in ages
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 23:07, closed)