b3ta.com board
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Messageboard » Message 1904232 (Thread)

# I've got to be
Best Man at a wedding on Friday.

I want you to be my speech writing bitches.

Write me speech please.
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:12, archived)
# Just learn to do
"The Elephant Trick" with your cock.
(I helped save b3ta! Baz Fuck off, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:13, archived)
# My pockets
aren't deep enough so it's out of proportion.
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:14, archived)
# When I first met Bob
at the clinic...

That sort of thing?
(I helped save b3ta! Samsonite, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:15, archived)
# How did
you know that?
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:16, archived)
# Well
it's usually that or meeting at a Dwarfs convention in Soho.
And you didn't seen the type.

How wrong could a person be?
(I helped save b3ta! Samsonite, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:18, archived)
# 'what a wonderful couple,
aren't they beautiful?'
(I helped save b3ta! Sunshine Elephant, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:15, archived)
# Yes but its patently not true
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:18, archived)
# "Unaccustomed as I am to pubic squeaking,
BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS
BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS
BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS BADGERS
MUSHROOM MUSHROOM"

Carry on for as long as necessary.
(I helped save b3ta! MissPrism, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:16, archived)
# I've known X for (however long)
but I was still surprised and honoured when he asked me to be his best man...


I remember when X and (bride) met... (anecdote about shyness of one or the other)

I would like to propose a toast, to the bride and groom.
(I helped save b3ta! Batsgirl, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:16, archived)
# Very good
I did a similar one to that at his first wedding.
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:17, archived)
# Give the same speech as before, then.
Remember to get the bride's name wrong once or twice.
(I helped save b3ta! MissPrism, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:18, archived)
# In that case you should probably start with
"Is anyone else getting a sense of déjà vu?"
(I helped save b3ta! Baz Fuck off, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:19, archived)
# Ha ha ha!
That has actually made me laugh out loud.
(I helped save b3ta! Ijon Tichy, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:27, archived)
# for fucks sake
do NOT under any circumstances refer to his previous marriage in your speech.
(I helped save b3ta! Batsgirl, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:20, archived)
# How about
the woman he lived with before that. She was a fat ugly little inbred troll. Plenty of anecdote material there.
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:23, archived)
# only if it's really bloody funny
the bride does not want to be thinking about her new husband's previous ladies. Even in a "god they were ugly" context.
(I helped save b3ta! Batsgirl, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:24, archived)
# Well I was thinking of developing
it into a thread of a (long) list of ugly miseries culminating in the one he got up the duff (current).
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:26, archived)
# don't forget
to say how pretty the bridesmaids look, and avoid using the words tart, slut, bitch, clap, tosser or cunt and you won't go far wrong
(I helped save b3ta! atomboy, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:24, archived)
# How about this?
The bridesmaids. Two of them look stunning and the other has scrubbed up not too badly considering. And if you were to ask me, I would, I wouldn't and I have in that order.
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:32, archived)
# hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
perfect, then go on to discuss the relative merits of the bride and groom's mums, specifically which one you'd let give you head, then do a homoerotic bit about the dads. After all that, I'll be happy to give you a lift home from casualty
(I helped save b3ta! atomboy, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:39, archived)
# was your speech at the first wedding
video'd?

just play it back but overdub the name change
(vork and burlap, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:34, archived)
# That's good.
And cast aspersions on the groom's personal hygiene.
(I helped save b3ta! MissPrism, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:17, archived)
# Can you hear me at the back?
I bet you can still smell Paul's fetid smegma. Or something like that you mean?
(I helped save b3ta! F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:19, archived)
# She's
a whore, and he's a necrophiliac!

no but seriously...
(I helped save b3ta! corington, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:18, archived)
# don't forget to say
"it's the first 20 years that are the worst"
(I helped save b3ta! magoo, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:20, archived)
# I saw (groom's mum) shed a tear at the wedding...
I said, "don't cry (groom's mum), you're not losing a son, you're gaining a daughter"

She said "why do you think I'm crying"

(pause)

then I noticed the smile on (bride's dad)'s face.
(I helped save b3ta! Batsgirl, Wed 3 Sep 2003, 17:23, archived)