The Word of God, as written by man, according to somebody?*!


From the How History Was Faked challenge. See all 254 entries (closed)

( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:17, archived)

I don't think many people are killing in the name of Satan, to be fair.

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:18, archived)

I'm pretty sure satanists are

( St.Minimus *France dance*, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:20, archived)

Satanistist!

( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:21, archived)

Hail satan

( St.Minimus *France dance*, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:23, archived)

Oh hai!

( 2 Can Chunder Bummy Bum-mas!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:39, archived)

I thought he meant Christians killed people and branded them Satanists, which made it an ok murder

( HappyToast sorted on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:22, archived)

Those wacky Christians!
I remember Sunday School when I was young, some days you couldn't open the church doors fully because of all the carcasses of Satanists strung up from the rafters.
( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

Yes I'm sure there are satanists killing in the name of Satan
But I stand by my original statement
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:23, archived)

Never said they killed in the name of Satan
Satan ("The Devil") was a creation to help justify the existance of God. The acts of murder were in the name of the latter. Love thy Nietzsche
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:27, archived)

It doesn't say that up there!

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:29, archived)

Read it to me again?
How are you seeing it? Must be an act of SATAN? or God?
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:40, archived)

oooooh you cheeky minx

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:42, archived)

Was Matthew or Luke
They took my words and rearranged them a little. ;)
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:45, archived)

He was often dipicted in the same form as Pan to fuck off the Pagans.
Hence the hooves and goat legs.
( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

If only nobody believed in any kind of god,
there would never have been any murders or wars in the history of humankind.
( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

Oil lols

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:32, archived)

Buddhist lols

(FunOnABun Smears lard on you!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:36, archived)

I'm sure there would have been some... Like 5 or something.

( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:36, archived)

I'm sure there would've been less death, tis true..
But 10 would be a more realistic figure?, OJ Simpson's murder would be one, fo sure!
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:48, archived)

OJ's dead?

( Mockingbird in a pear tree, wearing a sparkly bikini, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 11:25, archived)

Satanists ARE christians whether they think so or not anyway, Satan IS a christian invention after all,
you can't be 'anti-christ' unless you believe in him in some way.
( WiL thinks the odds are good for a white xmas, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:32, archived)

Absolutely
But if they are killing anyone, they are not doing it in the name of God, but rather Satan, as my original statement suggests.
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:35, archived)

Pre-christian
Jews believe in satan too.
(FunOnABun Smears lard on you!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:39, archived)

Satan, Lucifer and Beelzebub
are not necessarily the same figure unless you've been raised in Christian dogma. So far as I'm aware -- and as a self-important, pretty stupid prick, I may be very wrong -- Lucifer as we think of him is a Christian development. Beelzebub is adapted from Baal and so would be Old Testament but I've no idea whether his blending with the Prince of Hell would be Christian or not (well, probably, since Hell is also a product of Christian dogma), while Satan drank whisky and gambled with God in between bouts of walking the Earth and going up and down on it, whatever that's meant to mean, and is a bona fide Jewish character who isn't actually the great opponent and Lord of Darkness but is instead only as much of a cunt as God Himself.
(boris the spider, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:47, archived)

satan is my master

( op op op op op largely very dangerouse, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

He buys all my metallica records for me

( Joe Scaramanga The bitch hit me with a toaster, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

:D

( op op op op op largely very dangerouse, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:31, archived)

\o/
I love him so much
( Joe Scaramanga The bitch hit me with a toaster, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:41, archived)

God Created Lucifer; Lucifer became Satan

( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:21, archived)

*sings*
Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile!
while you've a Lucifer to light your fag
smile boys that's the stuff!
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:22, archived)

uff yle
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:24, archived)

That makes more lyrical sense
:O)
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:25, archived)

I can't believe we used to sing that at school :(

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

We used to sing
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled
and the silk inside a chestnut shell
Jet planes meeting in the air to be refuelled
All these things I love so well

So I mustn't forget
no I mustn't forget
To say a great big thank you
I mustn't forget
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:28, archived)

O_O
Jet planes meeting in the air to be refuelled?
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

Yep
Dirty planes can't get enough of it
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:33, archived)

hehe we used to sing this too.
also:
Gods love is like a circle
a circle big and round
and when you see this circle
no ending can be found

and so the love of jesus
goes on eternally
like a never ending circle
enclosing you and me

(also jubelate sp?)
( Barry the Time Sprout twinned with Dan Ackroyd, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:34, archived)

We used to sing
"I am the Lord of the dance settee"
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:37, archived)

hahaha yes
and cellotape and string to the king
( Barry the Time Sprout twinned with Dan Ackroyd, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:42, archived)

Lucifer loved God and refused to worship his creation man, so was cast out of heaven
god and man, what a bunch of cunts
( HappyToast sorted on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:23, archived)

*puts her trust in God and Man!*
*god and man*
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:24, archived)

Didn't Lucifer try to overthrow God or something?
Or did I just make that up?
( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:25, archived)

you just made that up
although it's no doubt written in the newer bibles, the ones with Miley Cyrus on the cover
( HappyToast sorted on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

So he didn't lead a group of angels against God?
Fair enough.
( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:28, archived)

I think that was in Dogma

( 2 Can Chunder Bummy Bum-mas!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

Could be. I'm sure it was mentioned in Reaper too.

( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:34, archived)

BUY MY BIBLE!!!

( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:28, archived)

You wrote a bible?

( 2 Can Chunder Bummy Bum-mas!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:42, archived)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kt1dGbpnhhw
( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:47, archived)

Haha, excellent
"Religion for Dummies", I believe was the title?
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:43, archived)

Aye,
he attempted a coup. It were fucking mental! LOL! All demons were once angels ^_^
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:27, archived)

This is true of people too :D

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:28, archived)

All people were once angels?
Nah, that's not true.
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:40, archived)

You agree with me, but Happy Toast says I'm wrong...
I'm so confused :(
( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:32, archived)

it depends which bed time story book, I mean bible you read
early ones simply say Lucifer refused to love man more than he loved god so was banished, later ones made him in to more of a god hater and then big horned monster to keep the idiots scared and money flowing
( HappyToast sorted on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:35, archived)

I think a lot of the lucifer story
that we know is taken from Paradise Lost, to be honest. Fuck knows where Milton found it. I think there's some material in the Apocrypha that lend support to it to, but in the Bible we know and love in Protestant and Catholic nations, Satan first appears in Job as God's poker-partner, gambling on whether they can fuck up the most holy man on Earth enough that he'll curse God's name.

God, eh? What a fucking pikey cunt.
(boris the spider, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:44, archived)

Our survey says no.
Genesis 3 you fool! The Garden of Eden? The Serpent?
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:51, archived)

Identification of the Serpent with Satan
is also a result of dogma. (That's dogma, not Dogma, the acclaimed Kevin Smith movie.) Point me anywhere in Genesis that says

"And the serpent, who was called Lucifer and was a heavenly body cast down from Heaven for refusing to worship Adam and inexplicably present in Eden -- and probably also in the right, since the mighty YAHWEH would later demand that no-one worship anyone but Himself which suggests he was a bit soft in the head, said to Eve, 'Go on, eat the fucking apple, bitch! By the way, I'm the king of Hell.' "
(boris the spider, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:55, archived)

HERE, HERE!
The truth is in the Toast!
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:57, archived)

Well that's the story.
Although, I don't remember reading that in the bible ever. I guess Kevin Smith just made it up for Reaper ;)
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:39, archived)

It's not Biblical
or at least I don't think it's in the Bible we use (whether Protestant or Anglican or Catholic). I don't remember the apocrypha well enough to say whether it's in any of the Orthodox Bibles or whatnot, but to be honest I doubt it. I think it's all a later development.

There's many things that aren't Biblical. You can even argue that the Trinity isn't Biblical -- there's a lot of Christians, generally orthodox, who don't believe that weird piece of doublethink and will happily argue, from a position of much more strength than me, that it's extra-Biblical and not even in the batshit-insane letters of Paul.
(boris the spider, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:50, archived)

It's part of God's anti-Lucifer propaganda.
Don't fall for it, sheeple!
( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:27, archived)

Lucifer, and others tried to question and overthrow God, So God kicked them outa his crib..yo

( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

God and Lucifer helped create earth

Lucifer was dicking about with animal parts sticking them randomly together, thus the platipus.

God wasn't happy and kicked him out
( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:27, archived)

At least that explains Andrew Marr, though.

( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:29, archived)

I hope that's a joke, the Platypus hasn't made its way in to the bible surely?

( HappyToast sorted on, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:33, archived)

'they' ripped out the platipus volumes of the bible :(
(is everything I say going to be taken serious now?...for fuck sake)
( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:38, archived)

*worships the almighty Prodge*

( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:44, archived)

*stones to death*

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:45, archived)

fucking trolls
V
( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:51, archived)

So it's real??
Darwin was wrong?
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:24, archived)

Darwin's theory doesn't disprove the existence of God, but rather weakens the story of Creationism

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:25, archived)

Rather
indeed
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

it's got nothing to do with darwin

( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:33, archived)

Is everything everyone else says going to be taken serious now?

( Wasp Box has a Dutch Equivalent, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:44, archived)

It doesn't say that in the Bible!

( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:45, archived)

Please stand by
*thumbs through copy*
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:48, archived)

No, you're right - its not in my copy.
Although it would be fabulous if that was the last line in it.
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:50, archived)

"for fuck (sic) sake"

Which could be a nice drink in Japan, as a precursor to some sexy lovemaking involving sushi. Not redsushi.
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:47, archived)

knowing the japanese
as i don't, "fuck sake" would probably be the expelled results of a creampie.
(boris the spider, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:51, archived)

hahaha
"creampie"

So wrong, and yet so right.
(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:52, archived)

depending on them being humorless cunts or not

or copy paste trolling
( prodigy69 Errapolis, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:49, archived)

The nut of ****er in the Swiss Alps?

( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:23, archived)

Hey dude,
why is Satan and Fake before Challenge in the dictionary bible dude?
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:25, archived)

Chal-lenger¹
( Mu Sticks™, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

Whatever dude,
it still confuses!
( Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Ph.D., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:28, archived)

Because it was written by the same people who wrote/edited the bible

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:27, archived)

Hahahaha
fact!
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:32, archived)

Yo Redsushi Dude
"Believe it and it will happen" That's how things roll in my dictionary! ;)
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 11:03, archived)

I think you're missing a page

(57841, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:26, archived)

*Red Dwarf LOLs*
Although I'm sure even Red Dwarf wasn't the first to make that joke :O)
( Joliet has some fucking Jaffa Cakes in her coat pocket!, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

What about a quote from the Vatican?

( Wasp Box has a Dutch Equivalent, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:40, archived)

That's beautiful

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:41, archived)

You're very kind
Do you know which book the quote actually refered to?
( Wasp Box has a Dutch Equivalent, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:45, archived)

The Da Vinci Code?

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:50, archived)

yes indeed

( Wasp Box has a Dutch Equivalent, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 11:19, archived)

I ROCK.

(Michael Ellis has specs like Sue Pollard, apparently., Thu 5 Nov 2009, 11:27, archived)

Harry Potter
I think
( Amberl has a retrospective crush on Kim Philby, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 11:00, archived)

Pfffft!

( The Hedgehog From Hell, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:59, archived)

Silly Q4
Mythology is not history
( Joe Scaramanga The bitch hit me with a toaster, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:30, archived)

Hahahahahah
Very true Joe! How silly of me
( Q4nobody.co.uk, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 10:33, archived)

Clearly not the work of God
ExistEnce
(Nog formerly an egg, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 16:53, archived)