Abbey Fucking National
Apologies for length. Here are copies of a couple of letters I sent to my bank following some incidents a couple of years ago. Suffice to say, I am no longer an Abbey National customer.

***Ninja Edit. A fourth letter has been added, which I'd forgotten about.***


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Re: Retention of debit card by ATM system – 09-01-26 ********

Following January’s replacement of my ATM card, caused by a theft of my wallet, I noticed that e-banking had not been re-enabled on my account. Perhaps I should have addressed this earlier, but as the ATM’s transfer and payment utilities satisfied most of the things I needed to do I let matters slide.

However, the transfer amounts between Abbey accounts facility was sadly unavailable towards the back end of May (it looked like some of the ATM software was being modified) and I decided to re-enable my e-banking facility.

While I am reasonably sure the last time I requested this it was a relatively straightforward task accomplished via the ATM machine, I learned that this facility was no longer available. Therefore, on 29 May, late afternoon I phoned up the call centre to have e-banking re-enabled. Sadly, this is the exact point where things went badly wrong.

It took me less than ten seconds short of fifty-three minutes to accomplish what should be possible via an ATM machine in less than 120 seconds. This is not good.

On 31 May, I visited an ATM machine close to my place of work to withdraw some funds, as I had just been paid. My PIN number was requested once only, indicating that it hadn’t been entered incorrectly. The card was retained by the ATM machine.

That afternoon I took an early finish from work and visited my local Abbey branch, withdrew some money to tide me over the weekend and also reported my card as having been retained. I was given an estimate of 3-5 working days for this to be replaced.

It is now a full three weeks since the card was retained and I am still waiting for a replacement. My mortgage payment was delayed by my not having access to electronic banking, an ATM card or a cheque book (care to enlighten me why you stopped sending me these some years ago, by the way?)

I have had to take time off work to access my money. Please note that this is not overdraft facility, a loan, or the remnants of a credit facility offered by you – it is money that I am compelled to have to pay into a bank from my employer and which you are denying me access to.

On 13 June, I steeled myself for another session of your excruciating hold music and telephoned your call centre. Twice. The first call lasted a mere three and a half minutes, and terminated with “the other person has cleared”. The second call lasted just short of nineteen minutes, and fared little better.

After explaining to the first person to take my call that a fortnight was in fact two weeks and actually exceeded the “three to five working days” I should expect to receive a new card, I was transferred into a call queue where I waited. Listening to a repetitive hold tune I have come to loathe with surprising passion.

Finally I spoke to someone who informed me that there had been a problem with the generation of ATM cards; and that this was being addressed. “So when could I expect my replacement?” I asked. “Three to five working days”. Truly you employ some geniuses of improvisation. I was invited to pop down the branch (thus incurring additional time off work) to address any pressing banking needs I may have.

Another week has gone, and oddly enough my letterbox does not even have the unmistakeable odour of an ATM card about it. I am no longer amused by these shenanigans. There appears to have been no attempt from you to contact me to explain the delay or give me a rough ETA for resolution. The staff at my local branch have been unable to offer any idea of what is going on.

Firstly I am extremely interested to know why my card was retained in the first place. While I understand that these cards can be affected by magnetic fields and cosmic rays, it is perhaps worthy of note that all my other cards, held in the same wallet and subject to the same treatment, have not failed in such a manner. Am I jumping to conclusions by guessing that the person with whom I spoke on the 29th actually cancelled my card instead of enabling the e-banking facility? I’d really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Secondly, would it be stretching the point to request when the card is actually going to be replaced? While I appreciate systems failures can and do happen, this type of protracted outage is utterly unacceptable. That no attempt has been made to contact me and inform me of the difficulties is also galling.

Thirdly, could you explain why the “register for e-banking” option was disabled from the ATM machines, as appeared to be the “transfer money between Abbey accounts” option the last time I had occasion to use them. While one may be of limited use, they are able to reduce queue lengths on IVRs that are clearly suffering from overuse.

Finally, can we exchange the IVR music to something less appalling? Rather than a thirty second loop of muzak, can we have track lengths that reflect the wait and are not appalling to witness? A bit of Orbital or Underworld would be nice. Heck, perhaps a “Press the hash key to turn the music off” option would be acceptable.

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Abbey National Current Account ********

I refer you to the continuing problems I have been experiencing with regard to my ATM card.

This card was retained on 31 May, two days after I had spent 53 minutes on the telephone waiting for an advisor to reactivate e-banking on my account. Despite phone calls to your call centre (the hold music of which makes me wish I had been born deaf) and my letter of 28 June, you have yet to provide me with an explanation for this suspicious coincidence.

This evening, on my return from work, I was mildly surprised to note that I had received three letters from you. One contained the much-awaited ATM card, the other two contained PIN codes. Both of the PIN code letters were dated 16 July; the letter containing the card was undated. A mere seven weeks from its original retention. You should be proud.

I decided to test the new card forthwith and hastened myself to the nearest Abbey branch. Imagine my surprise when, after entering the first PIN code and requesting a balance slip, I was informed that my card had been retained. You fun-loving jokesters you, I nearly wept with the hilarity of this jape.

Now for the anger.

You are FAILING DISMALLY. You are USELESS, ACEPHALOUS, BUREAUCRATIC HAMTOUCHERS. You have been unable to provide me with access to MY OWN FUCKING MONEY. You have FAILED to provide me with a reasonable explanation for this idiocy. You have taken SEVEN WEEKS to sort out a replacement ATM card, and have cost me hours of worktime waiting to withdraw money over the counter. I suspect that the head office of Abbey PLC reeks with the stench of bad AIDS, DIABEETUS and FAIL.

I henceforth offer you the period until 31 July to rectify this piss-poor state of affairs, resolve my query, and provide a full explanation for this shitcockery. If by that date I am not completely satisfied, I will withdraw my business from the Abbey and also retain the option of taking this to the press.

The clock is ticking. I await your immediate response.

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Current account ******** / ISA ******** – Ongoing problems

Following my previous letters, it is apparent that we are unable to resolve the continual problems you have experienced in administrating my account.

To whit: on 29 May I telephoned one of your call centre employees to have e-banking re-enabled on my account. Two days later, when I next tried to use my ATM card, it was retained by the ATM machine. I reported this to the Darlington branch on the same day.

Despite follow-up calls to your call centre and a letter at the end of June, it took seven weeks before you replaced the card. This card was promptly confiscated by your ATM machine on my first attempt to use it.

This prompted a second letter to you expressing my extreme dissatisfaction with the way you were handling my account, and which offered you until the end of July to resolve these matters. You have not bothered to reply to this.

A second replacement card was received a couple of days later. It is not set up for e-banking, which was the initial reason for contacting you, and is no longer linked to my ISA. After seven weeks of being messed about, sending two letters, taking time off work to make withdrawals, and spending copious amounts of time speaking with the idiots with which you staff your call centres, I managed to lose functionality from the card.

On 31 July I took time off work (again) to visit my branch to close my account. I was told by the counter staff that closing my account was impossible that day, as whomever was capable of doing this had fucked off for the day. I was given the opportunity to clean out my accounts and return later to finalise the account. Calling your crap call centre also failed to allow me to conclude my business with you.

I visited again yesterday (2 August) and called in at the front desk of the Darlington branch. The gentleman there referred me to the counter. The counter staff attempted to refer me back to the front desk. However I’d had enough of that shit and decided to press on.

I was informed that you were unable to complete the closure of my account for the following reasons:
[1] A transfer from my current account to my ISA had taken place. Firstly, as I have not had access to e-banking for about six months (this being the problem that caused me to contact you at the end of May) I had been unable to cancel this. Furthermore, had you cancelled the account on 31 July this would not have taken place.
[2] A direct debit for Council Tax had been presented. This also would have been prevented had my account been closed on 31 July. Furthermore I contacted Darlington Borough Council in March and again in June asking that my council tax be paid from my new bank account. I have a letter from Darlington Borough Council dated 16 July confirming the change of account details. Evidently, their staff are as crap as yours, and they have been sent a letter asking for an explanation for this behaviour.

I was informed that I needed to return any cheques to you (which you stopped sending me about six years ago) and that I was unable to close my ISA because “it was linked to my card”. As you recently disabled the link from my card to my ISA, this confused me somewhat. At any rate, my time today was utterly wasted.

I have been directed to take further time off work to visit Darlington branch to close my account. This is not good enough. I have wasted too much time with you. I therefore submit the following:

[1] Under the Direct Debit Guarantee from Darlington Borough Council (their ref. 971466) I am told “If an error is made by either Darlington Borough Council or your Bank or Building Society, you are guaranteed a full and immediate refund from branch of the amount paid”. As Darlington BC were in receipt of updated bank details and should not have presented a request for payment to you, I choose to invoke this right. I therefore expect neither interest charges nor fees for this transaction, and suggest that you reclaim moneys from Darlington Borough Council.

[2] I wish that my accounts, current a/c ******** and ISA ******** be closed forthwith. I am not willing to take further time off work dealing with this, and therefore do not expect to be directed to Darlington branch to conclude my business with you.

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I have had the pleasure of receiving a letter from you this morning regarding an overdue balance on my account.

May I point out that I made a request that these accounts be closed on 4 August 2007 into your Darlington branch. This was following a couple of failed attempts to request account closure on July 31 and August 2 – failed because the single member of staff deemed to have sufficient authority to close an account evidently likes to go home early.

I received a statement in August, which was expected – as it covered the period prior to the account closure. The statement I received in September was less expected, particularly as it suggested the account was still open.
On 6 October I took additional time off work to visit the Darlington branch and asked whether the accounts were still open. When informed to the affirmative, I asked why my request of 4 August had been ignored. The only explanation given was that you thought I retained an ATM card linked to my savings account.

This amused me as, as you will see from my previous correspondence with you, the last time I had an ATM card capable of accessing my savings account was in May 2007. This was the same card that your call-centre retard managed to cancel instead of activating e-banking for back in May, and the replacement of which has annoyed me to the point of ceasing my business with you.

Anyway, I submitted an additional closure request on 6 October, and retain documentary evidence of both visits.

It appears not only have you failed to heed this request but you are also attempting to add charges to my account for the period of 4 August onwards.
You suggest that I “need to pay enough money into [my] account in 7 days to clear this amount”. I note in particular the seven-day deadline there.
My counter-proposals are as follows.

[1] You are instructed to close both accounts forthwith as should have been done back in August.

[2] You are asked to provide a full explanation regarding why these account closure requests are being dropped.

[3] You may also choose to elaborate on the reasons why no letter is forthcoming advising that the accounts cannot be closed, why this is the case, or how to rectify the matter – instead of the request vanishing.

[4] Regarding the request for payment, I am happy to refer you to the response given to the plaintiff in Arkell vs. Pressdram.

[5] You will retract any negative amendments made to my credit reference file since the date the account should have been closed – 23 August by my reckoning.

[6] You are invited to recompense me for the following:

• An hours’ lost working on both 31 July and 2 August, when I left work early to attempt closure of the account.

• A morning’s lost working on 6 October, which was due to your abject failure to close my account,

• and for this letter – which again should not be necessary to get these accounts closed.

[7] As you have given me a seven-day deadline, I am minded to give you a similar ultimatum. If I do not hear a full response within a maximum of fourteen days I will take this entire sequence of events, from your initial cockup in May, to the press.

I await your immediate response.

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Net result, about £500 in settlement and they most definitely didn't keep my custom. What an utter fucking bunch of incompetent, cock-sucking hamtouchers.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 16:40, 15 replies)

Bank Error in my favour collect £200
I was out in a club in london and spunked loads of money on my card at the bar buying drinks for myself and any lady that looked attractive enough (the number of which rose the drunker I got) At the end of the night I paid for the last round and left my card at the bar by mistake.

I reported it lost the next morning and was pleasantly surprised to get a letter a few days later saying "Your card was used but you reported it missing so we are refunding you the money"

A whole nights worth of free drinks for losing my own card. Thanks
( Peej, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 16:17, Reply)

erm
I can't be bothered, it's too depressing. So have a list instead:

WORST COMPANIES IN THE WORLD
1. BT
2. ALL BANKS
3. NPOWER


EDIT: companies chosen on ability to fulfil only purpose
( valoukh newsgash.wordpress.com, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 16:13, 12 replies)

Just remembered one about my lovely friend Gary
He drunkenly fell through a Lloyds bank window and passed out. When awoken by police and hearing the alarm bells he managed to slur "I'm not going to give a statement now cos I'm totally pissed"

He wasn't charged and was let out the next morning.
( Peej, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 16:10, 5 replies)

Banks can actually be nice, once in a while
When I was a student, and much less clueless about my money, I was nobbled by bank charges. So far, so expected.

Thing was, the charges had swallowed up my birthday money. Which was a bit of a bugger, as you might expect. However, upon explaining the situation, Abbey very kindly refunded my charges, as it was in fact the day of my birthday and I very much wanted to get drunk that evening. Which, true to my student (and current) form, I did.

And that's pretty much the only time I've raised a glass in a bank's honour.

I now bank with the Co-operative, and I have no complaints whatsoever.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 17 Jul 2009, 16:05, 1 reply)

"It's a mistake"
"What the hell?"
"What?"
"Look at this!"
"What the fuck?"

That was the exchange of words between my parents one lazy saturday morning about 15 years ago, I bimbled through to the kitchen with my cup of tea to investigate what was going on. As I was doing so, my mum sprinted past me to the phone, and begin hurriedly looking for a number in the phone book.

"What's going on?", says I.
"Look at this", says my Dad.

He handed me a letter with a Barclays header:

Dear Mr & Mrs. Shifty Snr.,

We are notifying you of the intent to close your account, this is owing to the continually unpaid overdraft of £30,350,234 pounds.

(Blah)

(Blah)

Regards,
Barclays Cunts.

"You're thirty million quid overdrawn?" said I.
"Well.....there was that yacht the other week" said my Dad.
"Riiight, so it's a mistake then?" said I.
"Fucking hope so son" said my Dad.

At this point I noticed a correlation in two numbers on the letter, the amount owed, and the account number. Yep, they'd mixed the two up. I pointed this out to my dad, and it went someway to calming my mum down after she got off the phone.

I didn't witness my mum's half of the investigation, but from previous experience I'd imagine she gave some Barclays phone monkey the worst morning of their career, as well as some nasty earache.

They admitted their mistake, Barclays, but never apologised though. Nowadays you could sue them for emotional distress or some equally ridiculous claim.
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:49, Reply)

How overdrawn are you?
So far this month I'm at -£254.

Not too bad though considering I've had to endure the expenditure that comes with a girlfriend's birthday, a brother's birthday and a dad's 60th.. all in the last two weeks.

The booze and drugs don't help either though.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:42, 15 replies)

Tenuous, longwinded and crap brain fail
I'm such a spaz. My brain can generally be relied upon to fail me at some point during the day. I have, in the past, parked at a supermarket, done my shopping and come out to find the driver's door open and the keys swinging from the ignition. I have lost count of the number of times I have come home from work and found the front door open - not just unlocked but wide open.

So, as you can imagine, forgetting my keys when I leave the house is somewhat de rigueur. For that reason I always carry a spare house key in my wallet.

Many years ago when I was still living with my parents I used to go out most Friday and Saturday nights and get very, very drunk. So drunk that I generally wouldn't be able to remember walking home. It was at end of one such night that I found myself in front of my front door, patting myself down for keys. Realising that I had forgotten to bring keys out with me, but remembering that I always keep one in my wallet, I dug out my wallet and opened it up. It was at this point that my brain decided to take a little holiday. I pulled out my debit card . . .

. . . and stood there in front of my door with my debit card in my hand, poised as if to introduce it into a cash machine, giggling like a loon.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:37, 5 replies)

Cash machine swallows card double horror!
Gran Canaria, 2000. I’m trying to get some cash out of a hole in the wall with my debit card, my ex looking on impatiently, and to my dismay the screen goes all funny and suddenly I can’t get my card back. I stand, stabbing buttons randomly with a look of sun-baked bafflement clouding my reddened face, wondering what the bungling fuck I’ve done and why won’t the nasty machine give me my card back? Or any money, come to that? Giving up I head back to the hotel, in order to ring Farclays and report my card as swallowed in action. A very helpful lady with a nice, soothing accent takes my details and within minutes, my card is stopped. Hurrah! And fortunately, being an organised and generally financially savvy kind of chap, I have a second current account with the Halifux, that still has enough money in it to cover the rest of the week (the Farclays account being a spare account reserved for use on holiday as it’s a bit more flexible than the Halifux card).

And the rest of the holiday ensues, strife free, until the last day when mysteriously the same thing happens with the Halifux card, this time at the machine in the hotel lobby. What are the chances, eh? I mean, seriously? Still, it’s the last day of the holiday, so not to worry – we’ll just have to make what we’ve got left last until we get home. Quick call to the bank, report card lost, job done.

Next day, having arrived back home, I trot up the street to Farclays to draw some money over the counter (what with not having a card or anything; the replacement had still not arrived). The smiling till monkey took the details, punched some numbers into her computer with years of accumulated mastery of the keyboard (and possibly that of the gusset typewriter; her fingers were a blur - it was a marvel to behold). Then she looked up and smiled at me and asked what I thought was a bit of an odd question considering I only wanted twenty quid to go and get some basics in: “Would you like an extension to your overdraft?”

Erm, what? No, Why would I want that? I never use the overdraft on that account. Helpful, smiling lady explains that the account is some £500 overdrawn and the limit is only £250, therefore I might like to extend it. I get a sudden, sick feeling and explain that the account can’t possibly be overdrawn because the card was swallowed on the second day of my holiday and I cancelled the card straight away and oh fuck I think I’d better see a personal banker…

Turned out that the card hadn’t been stopped after all and some Canary Islander had retrieved my card from the machine, having watched me type my PIN in several times, then gone on a bit of a spending spree. After about an hour of sitting at the desk, phone calls being made and transactions checked, the card is finally stopped, an apology given and all misappropriated funds refunded into the account by the end of the day. Phew. Except, the Halifux card was swallowed as well and fuck I’d better head up there just in case. A quick check of the account details show no transactions as yet, but the card has, like Farclays, not actually been stopped. They promptly do this but advise me to come back tomorrow to check. Sure enough, the next day I go into the branch and am somewhat dismayed to learn that around £1500 has just emptied itself from the account. Unlike Farclays, however, the Halifux staff are much more reticent in refunding the dosh straight away and instead I’m subjected to probing questions and semi accusations that I’m trying to pull a fast one. It was only the next day, when yet more money had gone missing and I was able to show that the transactions had taken place in Gran Canaria on the first day that I was in the branch to enquire about my account, that they conceded that something very naughty that was nothing to do with me had actually occurred. Still took them ten days to refund the best part of two grand though, the bastards.

I’m now very careful when using cashpoints and if I need to use my card, I always run my fingers along the slot first before I put it in…
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:22, 8 replies)

While we're on the subject of this
Could somebody please explain to me the actual difference between a 'bank' and a 'building society'?

Apologies for thickness.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:10, 4 replies)

Enzyme Esq. asked me to put this up
so here it is, the most interesting thing I know about banks:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lloyds_Bank_coprolite

"In 1991, paleoscatologist Andrew Jones made international news with his appraisal of the item for insurance purposes: "This is the most exciting piece of excrement I've ever seen. In its own way, it's as valuable as the Crown Jewels.""
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:03, 4 replies)

bank actually did me a massive favour
My flatmate dave was the tightest man ever, he never ever would pay his bills or buy any food. Sound irrelevant, but wait on- one month four of us in the house paid the landlord by cheque - Dave, being a miser had a load of cash and paid in notes. Mr G the landlord duly paid in the cheques to his bank - then his bank used a courier to send the cheques to our banks to be debited from our accounts - said courier LOST the cheques! Which was a double top result, since Mr G got paid by his bank, the cheques never came out of our banks and Dave was the only one to pay his rent that month to his utter disgust!
(breadandbutter, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Liquidating my assets and making a deposit
I once pissed through the letterbox of the Muswell Hill branch of Natwest. The end.


Badge?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:52, Reply)

Local history.
I'm going to try to make this QotW a bit more interesting.

Thomas Harrison was a major in the New Model Army, an MP (he sat in the Long, Rump and Barebones Parliaments) and - when the Protectorate was declared - opponent of Cromwell.

In 1649, he had been one of the judges at the trial of King Charles , and was one of the signatories of his death warrant - and for this he was hung, drawn and quartered in 1660, having refused to flee England at the Restoration. (He gave his executioner his money.) Samuel Pepys witnessed the execution, and described Harrison as "looking as cheerful as any man could do in that condition".

What has this to do with the question?

Well, the site of his childhood home is now a branch of the NatWest.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:28, 7 replies)

Back when I was a scabby student
I was enjoying rinsing my first credit card. I did this buying paying for a holiday that I could ill afford.

As is the way with these things repayment time rolled around and so I girded my loins and made my way to my local branch of Gash West to pay off the £250 I owed them. This was remember a new experience for me and I wasn’t sure of the procedure, and as it turns out neither was the till monkey serving me.

I gave him my card and he rang up the amount that I owed, I confirmed the amount and all was going well, he printed off a piece of paper and asked me to sign it which I duly did, he thanked me stamped the paper and handed me the payment confirmation slip.

The eagle eyed amongst you will have noticed that a fundamental part of this transaction is missing, yes well done you at the back, I hadn’t actually given him any money. In an ideal world my brain would work faster than my mouth, in an ideal world I would know when to keep my stupid mouth shut, but this isn’t an ideal world and before I could stop myself I had blurted out, “but I haven’t given you the money yet!”

Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking mogoloidal sparktard!

“Oh god!” the teller exclaimed “that was close!”

“YES, IT WAS”, I replied through gritted teeth and tears of frustration.

And just in case I didn’t feel stupid enough he added, “You know there would have been nothing we could have done to recover the money…”
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:22, 1 reply)

RARRGGHH!
INTERNET RAGE!

I hate *insert bank*, the bunch of *insert swear words*.

they messed up the application of my *insert bank account* so now I'm on here impotently typing expletives and vulgarities with one hand as I hold my broken, flaccid cock with the other. I only wanted to open the *insert bank account* so I could buy a Honda Accord and run over bullies..

BUT ALAS, IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE! THANK YOU VERY MUCH *insert bank*!!!
(likeajackhammer, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:22, 2 replies)

Keep Um On Their Toes with the Ultimate Power of Being a Bit Fucking WEIRD
Sat in one of the holding cells at a Manchester branch of Natwest, waiting fucking ages for the cunt in a suit opposite to decide whether he was going to give me an extension on my student overdraft or not (I quite fancied being able to afford luxuries like food and shelter for the rest of the term), I suddenly noticed the big sign behind his shoulder.

I took a pen, grabbed a random bit of paper and started scribbling…

After a few moments the cunt looks up, starts to explain he’d need to see his supervisor about extending my overdraft, then he asks: “What are you doing, Mr Hanky?”

With real pride I show him my handiwork: “Did you know an anagram of National Westminster Bank is Twat Monk Interns a Lesbian?”

He opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish for a long while then buggered off to see his manager. They gave me the overdraft extension – keep these fuckers on their toes and act WEIRD. They’ll give you anything you want if you do that.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:20, 1 reply)

Useless bunch
I won't mention it's the HALIFAX!!

Can't get anything right first time, never ring back, pathetic useless
bunch of tossers. Three phone calls and they promise to do something,
when it doesn't happen they suddenly say they can't do it.

Give out incorrect information.

Paying in is easy, you try and get your money back from them!!

Opening another account elsewhere (probably the bank that gets mentioned the least in this QOTW :))
(Underpants, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:15, 2 replies)

Please. please..
...end this question now.
(El Foxerino, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:11, 9 replies)

For the journey? Bunch of arseholes, more like.
(That's hard to pun)

I already didn't like my bank. They had sent me a letter telling me off for using the agreed overdraft that they agreed to give me, which was agreed. Then they sent me a letter without postage, so I had to pay the 50p to receive...what turned out to be an advert for how whizzy their new branch was going to be. As if I gave a wobbly fuck. That's it, I'm moving to a better bank.

But before doing that I had a large pile of 1p and 2p pieces to get rid of (this was before I could use them to play coinstar, the money game that makes me go wheeee. Very quietly).

So I went to the branch, handed them over, and said "I want to deposit these".

I assumed they would have a county machine. They did not. It took a while.

A friend suggested that I should have said "And while you are doing that why don't you *think about what you've done*"
(teebie jeebie, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:08, Reply)

semi-pearoast from a few QOTWs ago
12 months ago nobody knew who the fuck I was and now i'm a celebrity! Woohoo! I love RBS!

love Robert Peston x
(kebabking - salad and garlic mayo pls, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:47, 1 reply)

bank rants
#1
Why is it so difficult to cancel your bank cards when you lose your wallet? I mean they ask you things like, what is you account number or what was the number on the card? Firstly I don't carry around statements in my pocket, and secondly I lost my card. ffs. Twunt Bags.

#2
I was going on holiday to Las Vegas, and so I told my bank that I was going on holiday in advance. Apparently they wanted to know, maybe so they could flog me holiday insurance, anyhow, I get to Las Vegas and my bank card stops working. I phone the bank and they say it looks like your card was stolen because it is being used in Las Vegas and you live in Cambridge. FFs. Wanksters.

#3
Why do they randomly stop transactions from working? You are booking a holiday, you find some last minute flights, it looks like the last seat on the plane. You book it. Then it doesn't work. You find it has been denied. You swear lots. You phone them up and they say oh, apparently lots of people who buy things from Virgin are doing it with stolen credit cards, so we just stop your card from working any time you buy something from Virgin over the internet. FFS. Chop Stains.

And relax.

Thrain
(thrain, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:35, 5 replies)

Not mine
but my girlfriends. A few months ago she got a phone call from Shat West.

'Hello Mrs OP, can we check your recent transaction please?'
'Yes certainly'
'On Monday we have a transaction in [local town supermarket] £20 quid ish'
'Yep, definitely me'
'Then Tuesday afternoon [corner shop]£5 quid ish'
'Yep'
'Then a couple of hours later a cash withdrawal in Vancouver, £600'
'Er... vancouver?'
'Yes, in Canada'.
'2 hours after I was in the UK?'
'Does seem a little odd doesn't it' How about the withdrawal at 9pm Tuesday night at [local pub]?'
'That was me.'
'And at 3am wednesday morning £750 in Vancouver?'
'Canada again?'
'Yes'
'I think I'd remember the 3 10 hour flights squeezed into a 12 hour period'.
'So just to confirm the two cash withdrawals weren't you?'
'...'

So not only does it take them 2 days to have finally contacted her about this but they're not even sure it's suspicious.
(OP, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:35, Reply)

Seven Lady Santas and a Dwarf
In a small town called Morpeth, the old Lloyds bank was converted to a bar and called “The Banque”. It’s called something else now. However, on the night of this story it was still called “The Banque”.

An old pal of mine was getting married one December, so decided her hen night would involve us all dressing in Santa outfits. They all had frilly, girly Santa dresses with sparkling feminine Santa hats – no expense spared they on this occasion. Being a tad skint at the time, mine was a man’s costume from Woolworth’s, the fabric of which parted like cotton wool when stretched.

Our evening was spent in The Banque, until Debbie (the hen) announced she needed her karaoke fix. My heart sank, but it was her night and she was a good singer, so off we trotted to The Cornerstone. At least they served half decent beer.

Whilst purchasing beer, I got chatting with a chap at the bar and presently he asked me if I’d like to dance with him. “Why not?” I thought, placing my beer on the bar.

Then he got down from his stool.

Now I’m only 5’2” after a session with my chiropractor – the top of this guy’s head was just about level with my chest.

I stared down at the thinning hair on his scalp and he stared up at my tits.

With an open mind and a belly full of Boddingtons, I approached the dance floor as Little Elvis, as he is known, slid his stubby little fingers through mine. Great galloping gonads, I felt like Gulliver.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I dance like a twat. Paired with Little Elvis I could’ve been Ginger Rogers. Or Fred Astair, since I was wearing a man’s outfit. Then, out of the blue, he lunged at me. He grabbed my arse, one ample cheek struggling in each of his little hands. “That’s rude”, thought I, grabbing his little bottom in the same fashion. Only I didn’t just grab his arse, I scooped him up in one fluid motion, sat him on my hip and proceeded to swing him around. By now, we had quite an audience.

Possibly emboldened by this, and now being able to reach, Little Elvis stuck the lips on.

Or rather, he dislocated his jaw, python style, and violated my tonsils with his fetid tongue.

In repulsion I dropped him.

On his back.

Momentarily he spun, reminding me of the Smash advert robots rolling on the floor, laughing at humans for pealing potatoes. As I wiped his slime from my face with the sleeve of my Santa jacket, I wondered if I’d broken him. Quickly, I helped him to his feet, picked him up and put him back on his bar stool.

Averting my gaze from that of the barstaff, I muttered, "I hope I didn't break you dwarf......!?" before making a sharp exit back to The Banque, wishing I'd stayed there all along.


He was ok though, I saw him the following week and hid.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:29, 14 replies)

bannnnnnnnnnk
thought id post this time round.... Hail me as your saviour, i am now available for some free finacial advice!!

Ive worked in bank, finance, accounts, debt collection etc for many years.

And heres a secret... you know all those incompetant morons on the other end of the phone?.... well your right, they are incompetant and ill tell you why.

None of them have been in said job for over 12 months. See banks get rid of all the employees befor there first year is over. This means they have less people to pay out to in a profit share, and they dont have up there wages.

And the constant selling? well they dont have a choice!! if they dont say the selly bit they can get the sack... they are just as fed up of it as you are. And they are just as frightened to say it for fear of well deserved abuse. But the managers in back are demons i tell you!! demons!!
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:24, 1 reply)

Fraud "protection"
Why is that, when we were trying to pay for our wedding rings, HSBC blocked the transaction and rang our home phone to check if we were trying to do it, yet did nothing when someone bought a TV in Paris, five minutes after us using the card in Tesco in Manchester?

Eh? Eh? EH?
(ScousersPet, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:23, Reply)

Alliance and Leicester
A&L have charge me and the missus £25 for going over our overdraft limit, despite the statement and their records clearly showing that at no point did we get near said limit. Evidently they can't refund us this just yet because of a court case that is going through at the moment.

Theiving fuckers.

Edit:
They've now reshuffled our online statement so that it now looks like we DID go overdrawn. Which is just hugely dishonest in my book.
(ScousersPet, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:20, 1 reply)

Four digits...
“Sex Museum or coffee shop?”

“You what?”

The six foot seven, blond, dutch policeman sighed and pushed a piece of paper towards me.

“Sex Museum or coffee shop? When tourists get their wallets stolen, it’s usually in one of these two places.”

“Oh, I see. Sex Museum. I was so busy watching a raddled old Russian hooker getting anally fisted by a dwarf that I didn’t notice my bag was open. Plus I’m really rather stoned.”

“Yes. Happens a lot.”

So there I am, in Amsterdam, with no money, cards or train tickets and a boyfriend who is so clueless with cash that his bank have actually forbidden him from having a debit card. Through the miracle of the phone, tears and the Royal Bank of Mother, I arrange for a Western Union payment to pick up at the station the next day. And I managed to get my mum to cancel all my cards. Not bad considering I was so out of it I could barely spell my own name by this point.

The rest of the holiday passes without incident (unless you count the boyfriend projectile vomiting in the hotel room) and I return home to find that my bank, Twat West, have delivered me a new card. It’s the Friday of a bank holiday weekend, my housemates are away, so I decide to pop to the local petrol station to buy tobacco and snack food products and spend a couple of days lounging around on the sofa.

Snacks duly selected, I ask the nice chap behind the counter for a pack of Drum and hand over my spanking new card for payment. It swipes, it beeps, it… Oh. It’s been reported as stolen and has to be cut up? Say what now? Sheepishly, the chap snips my card in two and asks if I want to use the phone to call the bank. I surely do, and when I manage to navigate the computer system to finally speak to a real person I am informed that instead of cancelling my stolen card, they had cancelled my new card instead, mistaking it for the stolen one. So not only do I have no card, but my stolen card could have been used by anyone for the last week. I’m appalled.

I realize that not only have I no money on me and more worryingly I have no access to money for three days. And I have no food in the house and more importantly, no fags or booze.

Then the unexpected happens. The guy behind the counter rings up my shopping, throws in an extra packet of baccy, hands me the bag and £20 from his wallet and says “It’s okay, I know you’re good for it, you can pay me on Tuesday…”

The morals of the story are: people can be unexpectedly nice; if you make enough noise to the bank and the banking ombudsman, they’ll apologize, give you £50 and the phone number of the branch so these things can be sorted out quicker in future and that whilst standing gaping at a film of a Chinese woman pissing on an amputee, it is a good idea to keep an eye on your wallet…
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:19, 10 replies)

Fraud prevention (there are probably hundreds of stories like this already but you can hear mine too)
I like the idea of fraud people from my bank checking that my card hasn't been used in bizare ways and checking with me if they think something is amiss. It's the idea I like, not the practice...
Currently my life is fairly linear - I do my shopping at the supermarket in my hometown, I get the train to London, I get cash from cashpoints, and occasionally I buy myself something nice from the internet - nothing extravagant. Last week fraud prevention phoned me up:

Fraud People - Hullo Mr Tiger we're concerned about fraud on your account, could you please confirm your last few charges?
Me - of course, don't want people stealing my money now do we?
FP - indeed, sir. So on Monday there was a payment to a supermarket in your hometown.
Me - Yep that was me
FP - Wednesday a train ticket from your home town to London Euston, a cash withdrawal in London Euston, and a card payment in a restaurant in London
Me - Yes that was me - if you look at previous statements I do go to London a lot.
FP - Yes sir we do have to check though
Me - fair enough
FP - Thursday there's a charge to a supermarket in your hometown and then you bought a train ticket...
Me - Gah!
FP - ...from your hometown to London
Me - *sigh* yes that was me
FP - and today there's an online purchase of 15 pounds
Me - Yes, I decided not to go to london or the supermarket today, instead I was trying to buy a video game...
FP - so that is your purchase then Mr Tiger
Me - which you've declined?
FP - yes, if you make the purchase again in ten minutes it will go through.
Me - thanks... I suppose
FP - my pleasure Mr Tiger, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me - other than stopping my transactions? No I think that'll be all!
( Sunburnt Tiger Herbie goes Piranhas!, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 13:05, 1 reply)