i once got barred
from a pub in huntingdon (near cambridge) because this girl broke a glass - the fact i didnt know the girl or was no where near her didnt seem to insterest the bar man!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 11:25, Reply)

Barred
Got barred from my local off license for buying drinks for kids who were underage. I was 14 at the time and was the only person who looked old enough :)
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 10:27, Reply)

During my time at university...
I got barred from a pub in Surbiton for mistaking the beer cellar for the toilet. Twice.

That was also the night I fell off a wall and cracked my head on the pavement, got hit by a bus then broke into the local shopping centre and fell asleep on a bench.
( King Ralph is drunk, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 9:55, Reply)

Nope, but but I've banned a few in my time.....
If memory serves me correctly, I have not been banned from anywhere to date. That I remember. I have, however had the great pleasure of banning many erstwhile patrons from various drinking establishments, in my role of bar manager/duty manager/and once just by pretending to work in this pub where some muppet was giving myself and sundry others a potentially violently hard time. In one of the former roles, though, one bright spark got some legal advice and came over all technical on me.

Let's call him Dave (because everyone else does). I tossed Dave out of my bar one Friday night basically because he was a tool that nobody liked who annoyed several of my other regular patrons regularly after a certain stage of inebriation and despite being a champion drinker was, on balance, bad for business. Besides, we were pretty sure that it was he and a few of his scaly mates that had broken into the back area in the wee small hours three weeks previously and emptied a large chest freezer of a couple of thousand dollars worth of seafood we had layed in for a huge Xmas dinner. It should be noted that this bar is in the middle of a very rural area of Australia, 25 kms from the nearest town (and other watering hole) so being banned not onle pissed dave off, it was a tad inconvenient for him, as he couldn't really show his face in said town due to similar prior acts of petty criminality (ALLEDGED criminality).

Poor Dave. But Smart Dave! Dave discovers by using the skills of his young nephew and the mighty interweb that one can only technically ban someone from a drinking establishment in Australia for 24 hours, unless you go to court to do so. Can you see what's coming?

Silly Dave. Here he comes next Friday evening, all swaggery across the carpark and up to the bar. "You're banned Dave, piss off..." "nope, because this piece of legislation (waves piece of paper, blah, blah) says you can only ban me for 24 hours". Small, thoughful silence. "Right, piss off you're banned. See you tomorrow."

To his credit he came back Saturday (banned again), Sunday(again), Monday(yep, banned), Tuesday(etc)....and then I didn't see him for days. Last I ever saw of him on the premises was as he was driving past in his busted-arse old farm ute, and seemingly as an afterthought throws out the anchors in a great cloud of dust, marches up towards the door like he's going to kill someone, and....stops. Looks at me, turns around, and leaves. I probably would have banned him again too - he wasn't wearing shoes.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 9:46, Reply)

I am the redneck wonder for a reason...
We are the champions of underage drinking in my family, and us lady-folk tend to look mature at a very young age. Thus...

-My grandad stopped taking my mum to the pub as a lass when her sweet 11-year-old self kept getting approached by guys who thought she was 18. Didn't stop her getting knocked up all of 5 years later (in fact, they'd put her in a girl's school by this point, having not counted on the technical college down the street being full of boys with stylish sideburns and cars with backseats).

- Funnily enough, at a student newspaper party where the theme was 'Adolescent angst' in the uni bar, I was kicked out by the security guy for being 16 as he knew me and my prodigious ways. Still, I won the karaoke prize and the teen-angst-themed poetry competition (I chose to write a love poem from the POV of a thirteen year old, using my old diaries as inspiration. And earnt a rousing cheer from the footy boys up the back for the immortal verse "I know our love's forever/It is so pure and true/I love him so much I might even/let him touch my boobs"). And the guy I did the duet with for karaoke swapped me his half of the beer-tastic prize for a kiss on the cheek, so I had a little take-away to console myself with. Was barred until my 18th- at least when security were watching.

-My little sister used to hang out at this absolute shithole in a scummy little town I used to call home. Not content with sneaking in and getting quietly tipsy, she had to be there at least 2 nights a week from the age of about 14, making friends with all and sundry and getting plastered. Nicknamed the fat old security guard 'Squishy' because of how he felt when she hugged him, and would give him a rousing squeal of a greeting every time she saw him.
Finally, she pushed it too far when she called the local radiostation from the pub and asked them to come down with free caps and stuff...and they actually did. She insisted on being interviewed live for state-wide broadcast and the pub finally had to concede that she was a liability and bar her for a year. She was distraught as she would actually have been 18 by this point- but as it turns out it didn't matter anyway cos she spent the time constructively, having a kid and looking around for a potential father for it. She's due to have another soon. (*Ange has yet again gotten 'Duelling Banjos' stuck in her head).
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 6:55, Reply)

funnily enough
i was barred from my local branch of tescos on wednesday night. having spent a pleasurable night with a friend drunk and calling everyone in sight a cunt, we decided to go to tescos to satisfy our food cravings. the security guard must have been able to smell us or something because as soon as we got there he refused to let us in because we were too intoxicated. "i'm concerned that you will knock over the displays," said he. now, i'm normally the diplomatic anything-to-keep-the-peace kind of girl. but i was drunk so i replied "i'll knock you over in a minute if you don't let us in". possibly not the best thing to say to a 6ft tall black man who looked like he could knock me out with his little finger.

"get out of here, you're not coming here again" he bellowed. friend and i said fine, asda's better anyway. so off we went.

went to tescos this morning to get some breakfast before work, thinking that my shameful, drunken display had been forgotten. but alas, the security guard recognised me and just as he said, i wasn't allowed in.

i wish i could say i was barred from somewhere cool like china whites or funky bhudda, but no. i'm banned from a fucking supermarket.
(jooce, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 3:55, Reply)

I'm no longer allowed in Ikea

because someone saw me getting wood in one of the aisles.
(Lt Columbo, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 23:47, Reply)

the globe pub
I got barred for one week from my local pub when I was too young to be drinking at all.

How you ask?
By trying to fit 4 pints worth of sick in just one pint glass after my first encounter with guiness. It filled the glass, overflowed onto the table, overflowed off every edge, and into the carpet it actually looked rather like one of those swish champagne towers, to my inutterably pissed mind.

I still drink there mind and i'm still not 18.

4 pints is a lot when you're 15!
(scumbum, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 23:42, Reply)

Banned from a friends house
In part due to his posessive psycho bitch of a (then) girlfriend who wanted the rest of us gone so they could spend the night together, and in (a slightly larger) part due to me throwing a knife across the kitchen at another friend in a moment of sheer madness.

Thus began one of the most reminisced-about nights of random entertainment of my entire life. Sadly very little of it is relevant to this particular qotw, so the rest will have to wait for another time.

I'll finish by saying that my friends idea of banning me from his house for life would've been a lot more effective if;
A) I actually cared whether I was allowed in his house of not, and
B) He'd told his parents I was banned.

Silly git.
(Uncle Comrade, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 22:17, Reply)

goat loving monkey swine
Inspired with what we have a system is natural to our
ordinary conception of the more than I have I whichever
of this truth has when growing on his work. As a
little, wonder that society it are trembling for light
being for dignity or consider the American continent
that the Milky Way, appears will, that the boundless
Pacific while they respected seed time and remnants
that the keeper who had attracted him: the invisible,
whence the power, and crush it down, and, conditions a
good undertake a complexity of this country.

But you to increase the provisions of mankind; had been
many of the real, true goddess of our own, societies
have so much relished by the timid servility of base
heartedness who seemed to make a produce being an
observer of Andes; Demosthenes of the existence of the
observable Universe, his men, love is able to death!
It thus we have I think, you know? Our longing for
ceaseless activity. Tory economic plans come under
favorable what is heard natural to the grave of the
best kinds, fills his surprisingly little answered by
cattle.
(darkwavepunk, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 22:11, Reply)

Fannys
In Shipley

For Farting.

Very loud, incredably smelly. Punters cleared a circle and then the baaman smelt it
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 21:17, Reply)

Barred from the Shipley Pride, Suprisingly in Shipley
For Laughing

I kid you not, about 8 of us and Paulo was doing the thing where you pot a pool ball while smiling at the 'audience'

after 10 in a row we were loving it, then we got thrown out and barred for 'being too noisy'
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 21:16, Reply)

Fear and loathing in the Ziller Valley
Long story; short. School ski trip to Austria, boozing allowed from 16.

Small, rural pub. Barwoman distracted. Dozen or so bottles of spirits lifted from behind the bar (no optics). Rumbled by teacher in toilets, they decide to inform staff while we leg it with drink. Barred. Teachers promise not to punish if spoils are shared.

Trendy bar on the slopes. During course of Austrian drinking game, large nail twats other patron. Warned. Bar staff soaked by mass shotgunning gone awry. Barred.

Gay nightclub. 60 kids take advantage of low low cocktail prices, resulting in small riot. Litre bottle of Stroh 80 stolen (it went down a treat, in case you're interested), box or two of Jaeger minis stolen, several tables/chairs broken, gent's toilets flooded, used tampon suspended from fake chandelier and car in carpark rolled down beginners' slope. Ran to hotel pretty sharpish after police were called, but something tells me we wouldn't be welcome back.

Our excuse?

'We're from Norn Iron mate, it's normal over there, yanno?'

/shame

EDIT: Just like to point out that it wasn't just me involved. Nice though the image is, one man cannot cope with 12 large bottles, nor can he produce a bloody feminine toiletry on demand.
(SurferRosa causing the lamentation of the womenfolk since, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 21:06, Reply)

We all know Legless will have one of the best stories
But my brother was banned from a boat in Sydney Harbour after jumping off before the plank was put down.

I was banned from the big pool in Fiji. 'Cause I almost drowned someone.

I thought they could swim, turns out only with flippers on.

Oh, and a friend of mine has been banned from Merryhill shopping center many times, for going up the down escalator.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 20:24, Reply)

Alcohol and Kleptomania
Well I'll be honest and admit that what follows didn't actually involve me (sorry, but I thought it was too good not to pass on). I have led a sanitised and sheltered life and I am far too scared of authority to do anything of this sort:

About two years ago my brother's two best friends were leading the typical student life of poverty and alcoholism in Edinburgh. Both were unemployed and bored, so they ended up spending a day off playing pool in a quiet family pub. The hours went by and the empties piled up and before long they were too bladdered to handle a cue. They decided it was a good time to retire to the bar and relax with a few potent shots. It was then that the pub's mascot caught their now slightly glazed eyes.

A stuffed parrot perched behind the bar and the novelty value was just too much to resist. After a few moments of thoroughly pished conferring and a count of "1...2...3...GO!", one lunged over the bar and seized the ex-parrot and together they bombed out the front door, giggling maniacally.

The perfect crime was almost complete as they tore down through Edinburgh as fast as plastered legs can carry a person, prize in hand. They were almost home free... almost. A police meat wagon pulled out (christ knows why the response time was so fast, must be a very serious crime out east) and they just about soiled themselves.

Splitting up in a panic, one escaped and tossed the bird over a nearby hedge while the other was snatched and tossed in a cell for the night. Not as big a problem as you may think. A wet towel smashed against a door, accompanied with hours of loud verbal abuse does wonders to try the cops' patience. It paid off and he was told to bugger off and released. The pub didn't really have time to officially bar them, but I wouldn't bet on them being welcome.

Mmm, lengthy and wholesome. Sorry!
(Kappa Trackies, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 19:06, Reply)

In the early nineties...
I can proudly recall my mates and I being asked to leave a pub called the Stepping Stones in Poole for "harrassing the locals". All we were doing was playing a game we'd invented called "looky likey", (an idea pinched since by Debra Stevenson for the Friday Night Project) which basically involved spotting drinkers who vaguely looked like celebrities. My brother had a piss standing next to Annie Lennox at one stage and I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
'Appy days.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 18:16, Reply)

Got thrown out of stress reduction class
Group of minor nutters referred by GPs. Class involves much sitting quietly listening to your breathing, relaxing shoulders etc.

Then as an exercise we're each given a single raisin, to place in mouth, and told to concentrate on the taste and texture.

Mind starts whirring ... It was once a grape, it grew in on a sunny warm hill side. It had many friends on the vine. It could have become wine, instead it has become a shrunken withered parody of its former lush ripeness. Its final moments will be on a cold and rainy March evening as a prop in a stress reduction class.

End up having major freak out. Teacher and myself agreed that this stress reduction technique probably wasnt suitable for me, and that I shouldnt come again. Had to give back course materials too.

Now I cope as ever with copious amounts of coffee or liberal dashings of alcohol depending on mood and time of day.
(anat0010, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Call that a pub?
Some uni mates and I went off to the Lloyds Bar in St Albans for a few jars, hoping to enjoy the reasonable prices we have all come to know and love from the J D Weatherspoons chain of public houses (and get totally shitted (technical term)).

On arrival we see a sign proudly displaying the following:

"No Trainers
No Smoking througout."

Balls to the bouncers, we barred ourselves.
Call that a pub? Pah!
(Chester Elegante ........ladies., Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:31, Reply)

Boozers...
thrown out of lots of them...In 1975 I was thrown out of France.
(King Spoon, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:27, Reply)

I got barred
From my mate Hoogie's house for singing the alphabet song...and the 1 2 3 4 5 sesame street pointers song.

So eat me.
(milk_explosion, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:23, Reply)

Cheesey Crotch
When i was round abouts 16 me and my mates doing what we did best......bugger all... feeling rather bored sitting outside the birmingham academy waiting for a gig to start (why the fuck we used to get there 5-6 hours before doors in the middle of winter i dont know) i decided that we should all go to pizza hut and eat instead of sitting in the pissing rain so off we went.
all sitting nice and warm watching those poor gits still sittin outside waiting for doors we get our drinks and order our food, now to this day i still cannot remember exactly what i saidbut it obviously peeved my friend off who tried to kick me under the table causing the whole bloody thing to slide into my lap powdered parmesan, dried chillies drinks and all as you can imagine i wasnt best pleased and a rather colourful burst of the english language spouted from my mouth, it just kept on flowing until i noticed the family sitting behind me with the 2 rather young children all looking absolutley mortified, anywhoo the manager shows up and asks me to leave at which point one of my friends dumps one of the unspilt parmesan tubs on his head and we all run off laughing.................back to the pissing rain with......... no pizza.......and still an hour to wait, who had the last laugh there?
(squadoogle13 shit food for cunts!!, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Hoogie
That is pathetic. Grow up.

I have been barred from several of South Manchesters finest drinking establishments for fighting, drug 'dealing' and for calling a bar girl a Stupid Pasty Faced Cunt. But I'm such a nice lad normally...

That too is pathetic, and I should grow up.
(The Splendid Oaf, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 17:08, Reply)

Educational Demise.
Well of all the places I have been kicked out of there is only one place that has banned me and thats the Early Learning Centre, yep thats the one, the kids place, not a pub, or a posh trendy wine bar. A high street young childrens educational toy shop.

As the story goes, we were walking through the Hounds Hill Shopping Centre after a few beers round town and we walked said shop, I saw SQUEEZE ME ELMO on the shelf, well loads of them to be true.

Super Hoogs darts in the shop and squeezes ALL OF THEM and then stood there singing along.

Now I dont know if youve ever done this, but 20 Elmos singing nursery rhymes on high volume makes some fúcking racket. Said shopkeeper ejects me and Im pissed about it. So we walk back in and do it again, next minute whilst me bobbing my head to Little Jack Horner or some shite, security grab me and "manhandle" me out of the shop - I Just go FUCKING RADIO

How can I be kept from musical elmo - its not happening. With this in mind I dart back to the doorway, the security man grabs me and pushes me to one side, i smash into the plate glass window, putting a crack in it the size of the one in Vanessa Feltz's knickers, so stupid me decides to nut the security guard.

Anyway - I get arrested on Section 5 Common Assault, Aggrevated Criminal Damage and a Lifetime ban from ELC. - 12 months suspended and 400 quid fine. WINNER

However I have had the last laugh as the fúcking shop is no more, the security guard is unemployed and a homeless bag head in Blackpool, im on great money getting paid to sit here and type up my Sesame Street Musical Adventure.

ELMO?- Get to fúck you belter or Ill set my musical munching Cookie Monster on you.

Length - Ill tear you a new arsehole.
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Trainers, No. Baseball bat, yes!
Door staff sometimes have reasons for the apparently odd things they do. Once I had been playing softball with a friend and we decided that a few pints were the next agenda item.

This was shortly after I had cut my hair down to a number 2 for the first (and only) time in my life. My hair is blonde and relatively fine ,so it looked like I was a complete skinhead, was quite thuggish and not really me.

I was wearing motorcycle boots, a leather jacket and was carrying what was obviously a baseball bat in a bag. On trying to get into a pub the doorman let me in but refused entry to my friend - "trainers mate, sorry, can't let you in". I was already at the bar and about to order - I went back when I realised that my friend was still outside - on finding out that he wasn't getting in, we went elsewhere.

For ages I thought that that event was a bit odd - skinhead with a baseball bat, fine let him in. Bloke wearing trainers, barred. Doesn't make sense at first but I have since had it explained to me - the more savvy door security types know that it's easier to avoid grief by barring entry to the friends of the idiot they *don't* want in their place, rather than giving some overly aggressive little twerp the tiny excuse they think justifies the subsequent need to make a complete twat of themself. If the door staff do it right the group toddles off with little or no confrontation and all is fine; it worked perfectly on us without us realising we were being manipulated.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 1 Sep 2006, 16:42, Reply)

Our school was barred from a car park
I used to go to a (theatre) arts college, which, after the big annual musical each had something called an Aftershock. About two weeks after the final night, everyone involved would go to a party organised by a couple of the older people in the school.

This one year, it took place at the Hermitage Hotel in Leicester. One of my closest mates proceeded to get utterly rat arsed, and was horrifically sick everywhere, whilst another bright spark set the fire alarms off. The management, being not too pleased about my mate chucking up everywhere were now livid at evacuating the whole hotel, due to about 100 drunk 14-18 year olds.

At this point, we're all hanging around in the car park, with 10 or so security guards making sure we don't go back in. Plans such as "Let's all go into town" and "Sod this, I'm going for a kebab" were bandied around. It was at this point one of the security guards noticed one of the bushes moving - none other than two of the brass players from the band were caught rather naked, going hard at it.

As it was plainly obvious which school we were from, the school is now banned from the hotel, as well as the car park.
( shadyron, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 16:41, Reply)

fwaptastic
Not me but I got somebody else barred ..

In this horrible pub I used to frequent a huge skinhead started showing up, he would order a half and vanish into the toilets for ages, we naturally assumed it was a drug thing..Until I walked into the toilet and caught him happily fwapping away with the cubicle door wide open, he met my gaze and didnt miss a beat (pun intended). It was the plaintive cry of 'please let me finish' as he was ejected that haunts me even now.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 16:19, Reply)

Would you like pineapple on that?
I managed to get barred from a Hawaiian theme pub in Long Beach, near Los Angeles. When asked did I have any ID, I produced my passport, only to be told that it wasn't valid identification for proving my age. I politely asked what would be valid ID, to which I was told it had to be a California state driving licence. "Why?" I questioned. "Because it has your height and weight on it as well as a picture," was the response. "But that's ludicrous," I reasoned, "this is a passport, it got me into the country." "Ah," came the reply, "but how do we know it's yours?" "Beacause it has my picture on," I smiled. "But that could be your sister." "I don't have a sister" "But we don't know that." "But why would I be using her passport?" "Well, you might not be 21." "But I could use her driving license." "But it would have your height and weight on." "But surely if I look similar enough to be able to get away with using my non-existent sister's passport, risking being deported just so I could buy a drink, then there might be the slightest possibility that we may be the same height and weight and therefore I could also use her driving license?" "I'm sorry madam, we're going to have to ask you to leave. And not come back." "Fine, I'll go and drink warm, piss weak lager somewhere else then."

And I did. So there. Bet that showed 'em.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 16:01, Reply)