Travel Tips
If any of you are considering travelling to Australia to find out what happened to the "lost" side of the family, or to simply discover if precipitation is actually a transient phenomenon, you may need to heed the following;

Now, as you all know, Australia is entirely Convict class. We all speak with the same tight-lipped nasal monotone intonation, regardless of geographical and cultural (ha!) upbringing...well, except for South Australians, who are always at great pains to remind the rest of country that their particular state was NOT founded by convicts, and therefore they are a bit posh, (Snowtown murders notwithstanding).

However, the one thing that marks someone as being a little bit more, well, convict than most, are moccasins.

Moccasins are the antipodean equivalent of slippers. Not the deer skin Native American style, but the artificial woollen fabric style. Fucking vile.

Yes, moccasins, not thongs (or flip flops) as you may have thought. Indeed, thongs transcend class, as you can buy rather expensive thongs. Only in Australia are you judged by how much you paid for your thongs.

Wearing Woolies basic unisex thongs? Povo Cunt. Wearing Havaiana's? Posh cunt.

Anyway, moccasins are favoured by people who always seem to clad in either homeless-person-piss-scented track suits (shell suits), or the larger ladies who perpetually wear pyjamas, regardless of the hour/social setting, covered by an ill-fitting garish artificial fibre dressing gown, drawstring tightly knotted just above the gunt.

So, at most formal occasions (may be referred to as "meetin' posh cunts"), when everyone seems to be communicating via the nasal passage, without parting the (facial) lips, and it's difficult to judge which strata of Convict you are dealing with, it's always worth a quick glance down, to check if one's conversation partners is wearing moccasins.

If so, back away slowly, lest you end up in a barrel.

www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/shane-warne-and-liz-hurley-in-ninja-costumes-for-halloween/story-e6frfmqi-1226181955412
( Ken Oath, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 14:01, 7 replies)

Cheers, Ken Oath, for confirming everything we all suspected about Australia.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 14:14, closed)

Tod's do some rather nice ones
store.tods.com/Tods/GB/categories/Shop-Man/Shoes/Gommino-Driving-Shoes/c/217-Tods
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 14:26, closed)

The sort of footwear favoured by
those who have "done well" from their chain of chip shops, wear heavy gold jewellery, and drive something subtle, like a pimped Lamborghini Gallardo.
( Ken Oath, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 14:34, closed)

Hahahayeah. Like Australia is even a place.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 15:34, closed)

What if they are made of genuine kangaroo hide?
Déclassé roadkill?
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 17:39, closed)

I quite liked Australia
Mind you, I was working for a very rich guy
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 22 Mar 2014, 22:51, closed)

+ as his personal bollockhead.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sun 23 Mar 2014, 17:39, closed)