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This is a question Dad Jokes

We want to know the lame jokes your Dad makes. E.g. On your mum putting the roast on the table, "All for me? What are you going to eat?" On writing you a cheque for £350, "Three pound fifty? That's cheap." - What are the frankly rubbish gags your dad cracks again and again? WARNING: If you become a dad you'll be doing this stuff too.

(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:09)
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This question is now closed.

whenever I annoy him
he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum".
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:14, Reply)
Board Games
Not a joke, per se, but an anecdote:

Last Christmas, my dad was getting out this wheel of cheese from the fridge and getting it ready to place out on the kitchen table for a buffet. He looked at it for a moment and attempted to comment how the six different wedges of cheese reminded him of a certain trivia-based board game.

He started the sentence with "That looks just like the little cheesy counters from that game... you know..." And then his voice faltered and he started mumbling; presumably to recall the name of the game he was searching for. I didn't help, I just stood there giving him a funny look.

After about a minute, his face brightened and he exclaimed loudly: "Pubic Trapeze!"

After I had picked myself up from the floor and the pain of laughing had died down, I gently reminded him that he was looking for the words "Trivial" and "Pursuit".
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:25, Reply)
not so funny, but my father thought so.
When my grandfather passed away, my father told me by saying: "all those with grandfathers put up your hand." then pointing at me "Not so fast you!"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:34, Reply)
This one was REALLY bad...
Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This gets a giggle from the children, until he turns to me and asks, quite calmly...

"Should farts have lumps?"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:13, Reply)
My dad
walked in to find my friends and I simulating sexual intercourse with a spanky new bicycle (as you do) and muttered:

"That not what i thought you meant when you said you like mountin' bikes!"

badum tish!
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 13:40, Reply)
I used to have a Saturday job in the men's department of M&S
My Dad would come in and ask the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:07, Reply)
on a serious note, away from the idea of having sex with tortoises,
my dad and mum had a bit of a tiff once on holiday, anyway that night we went to some gay restaurant and my mum ordered the fish.
My dad joked 'make sure it's dead, like her heart'
my mum walked home.
my dad went after her.
they probably had sex that night because they were all fine the next day
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 3:19, Reply)
well, whenever my dad walks past a bunch of thistles,
he stops at one of them, points, and claims that "this'll do".

Aha.
He also likes to put his willy in the toaster.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:15, Reply)
kill me now
My Dad is a veritable fountain of crap jokes, crap sayings and crap poems. He's also faintly racist in that naive kind of way that only the post WW2 generation can be.
Some examples -
1.Upon hearing someone in a bar/restaurant dropping glasses or crockery -
"Sack the juggler!"

2. If someone in the room coughs -
"It's not the cough that carries you off
it's the coffin they carry you off in".

3. If out on a drive and he sees a hill (very frequent this one, he lives in Scotland) -
"On yonder hill there stood a coo,
it moved awa' it's no there noo".

4. If one is ever stupid enough, on getting past him in the hallway for instance, to utter the polite request "excuse me please" -
He will promptly lock you in a bear hug shouting "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

5. Upon sighting anyone of dark skinned ethnic origin -"Oooh, somebody's overdone it on the sun bed".

6.Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads (lots of hotels in Scotland with deer heads above the fireplace) -
"It must have been going a helluva lick when it hit that wall!".

I love him but he's a pain in the arse.

I've been a father myself for over 18 years now, I've done my utmost not to turn into him. But - can I walk past a fishtank in a restaurant without pointing at the biggest and saying "I'll have that one"?
Can I like fu ck.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:21, Reply)
Becoming your dad - a warning for young gentlemen everywhere
A word of warning - you do turn into your dad. I’m now thirty-seven with childs, and now find myself reading the Sunday Times and falling asleep in an armchair in a frightening repetition of history that did not seem possible in 1977. I also recycle the jokes that he told us a quarter of a century ago, and I’d be prepared to wager that he stole them off his dad while running round Essex during the War.

For example, Scaryduck Jr’s current favourite joke has been passed from father to son, father to son down the generations:

“I went into a Chinese restaurant the other day. I said to the waiter ‘This meat is rubbery’ to which the waiter replied (Chinese accent) ‘Ah! Thank you very muuuch!’”.

Terrible.

Whereas my old man spoke to me with voices stolen from the Goon Show, my children puzzle over embarrassing dad’s Weebl and Bob-isms. Scaryduckling now has the entire script to Mony Python and the Holy Grail memorised and will answer her father’s question “What do we burn apart from witches?” with a resigned shrug and “More witches.”

You will grow old. You will become the crap, embarrassing dad with crap dad jokes (unless you can’t have kids or are in the gayers). Mark my words, and mark them well.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:15, Reply)
My dad used to
get up to all sort of wacky japes when he ran a butchers shop, highlights included dropping pigs eyeballs in co-workers tea, pulling his hand up his sleeve whilst holding onto a pigs trotter to make it appear he had a trotter for a hand and my favourite, attaching two chickens feet to his shoulder.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:20, Reply)
After talking on the phone for 20 minutes...
... hangs up and says 'wrong number' while shaking head. EVERY TIME!
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:20, Reply)
jinx's one reminded me
of when me and my mates were watching a film, and my dad walked into the room and asked us if we wanted any cockporn.
he meant popcorn, but he's a bumbling idiot.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 2:30, Reply)

My Dad used to say to me. "You look like the milkman" mainly because I look like no-one else in my family... Turns out he's not my dad.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 19:55, Reply)
Classic...
You're struggling to do something that's obviously giving you a bit of grief. After watching for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?"

You look at him with that pained look on your face because you *know* what's coming next as he starts a slow clap.

p.s You can tell how old someone is now by their posts - if they're embarrassed and they hate their dad's jokes - 16 and under. Think it's quite quaint - 16 to 25. 25 and over - you admit to doing it yourself already. Am I right?
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:05, Reply)
my father-in-law
loves puns. The worse (and longer) they are the better.

In fact, whilst building up to the pun, he often can't quite control himself and starts laughing too early. For an über-pun, this can sometimes mean he is incapable of speaking the punchline.

His favourite is the story about Ghandi and his badly worn feet, dicky tummy and bad breath acquired from years of wandering about barefoot, starving himself.

It meant he was a super-calloused, fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.


Groan.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:42, Reply)
When I was kid, I would ask if I could watch the tv
and he always said: "Yes, but don't turn it on"
Also, he used to tell me about the glove who took thalidomide(spelling) and gave birth to mittens. I had no idea what giving birth meant yet.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 8:00, Reply)
Grandad
My grandad, who is almost deaf and has false teeth so it's very hard to understand him, walked up to my gf last Xmas and shouted "You'd best stay away from me, I'm a dirty old man".

He also looks like Father Jack and he fell asleep in his armchair, with a party hat on, and a pint in one hand. I almost died.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 14:19, Reply)
Not really a joke, or (strictly) my Dad
but seeing as other seem to be posting accidental Dad humour, then why the hell not?

People of the older generation are of course funny, especially when, unaccustomed to the Way in which Young People Speak, they hilariously juxtapose words to create shiny new meanings. Which are, inevitably, even funnier when rude.

My step-dad is the kind of person who refers to postmen (people ) as "posty", so one morning, as I was innocently tucking my Corn Flakes, enter Step-dad in search of milk.

Says he "Milky come this morning?".

It is I think to my eternal credit that I only raised my eyebrows slightly.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2003, 10:00, Reply)
oh just remembered....
sorry yes my old papa does have a crappy joke. ive suffered 20years of this.....

Me, my brother or sister: "Dad where's Mum".
Dad: "run off with a black man".

jesus pissing christ this is so not funny.
(, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 16:59, Reply)
Dad's Foot in Mouth Talent.
Was walking along my high street with my Dad when he spotted a business client of his - accompanied by his stony-faced wife.

DAD: Hello Roger, how are you?

ROGER: I'm fine thanks.

DAD: (To wife) What's up with you? Why the long face? He's not been smacking you around again has he?

WIFE: I've just had a tumour removed.

DAD: Oh.

Classic Dad moment.

My Grandma and Mother also innocently duetted on a rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a lovely Thai restaurant just as the waiters brought us our main course.

The open-mouthed horror of my girlfriend, brother and sister, and their partners was met with a blank "What? Is that not allowed?" from Grandma.

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh, cry, explain the error of their ways, or just hire Bernard Manning to replace me.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 17:33, Reply)
What a great question:
Dad (upon meeting a child): "How old are you lad?"
Child: "Seven"
Dad: "He he. I was seven when I was your age. Kids - Love 'em - went to school with them..."

...And so on.


The older I get the funnier I find this. Also the older I get the greater the interest in the fibre content of cereals.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 15:52, Reply)
When watching any news
programs that has bearded politicians spouting complete bollocks, my dad is often heard to say, "Just 'cause he has hair 'round his mouth doesn't give him the right to talk like a cunt!"
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 12:55, Reply)
actually, to be fair to my dad, his april fool's jokes can be quite good
he works in a path lab in a hospital - part of the work involves testing peoples *ahem* samples for bacteria and the like.

his most famous jape was filling a stool sample pot with chocolate mousse and sesame seeds and adding it to the rack to go into the incubator (or whatever, bloody hell, i'm not a doctor!).

when it's time to do whatever to this particular sample, he shows this pot of 'poo' with seeds in to his various colleagues, making comments on how unusual it is, how in all his 40 years he'd never seen anything like it and so on.

when he's got everyone's attention, he opens the pot, takes out the little spoon attachment and eats some. making "oooh, how interesting" noises.

you can imagine the hilarity that ensues...
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 11:40, Reply)
Shhhhhh
Whenever I am staying at my parents house and I go out into town my dad, without fail, will say...."If your not in bed by ten o'clock son.......come home lad." And he will then preceed to almost break a hip laughing.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 10:16, Reply)
It's dad 'threats' that get me....
You say "Do I have to put the bins out?"
He says "I'll put YOU out in a minute!"

This kind of makes sense, but it doesn't just stop there.

There are out right abuse threats...
You say "I'm going to a club tonight"
He says "I'll club YOU in a minute!"

Then there's the deeply worring...
You say "Can you pass me the butter?"
He Says "I'll butter YOU in a minute!"

And finally the plain nonsensical...
You say "I'm tired, I'm off to bed"
He says "I'll tired YOU in a minute!" ?!?

It's like he heard a similar threat once and rather than just using it verbatum, he decided to break it down and replicate it's use of the verb in the hope of ensuing hilarity.

pillock
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:39, Reply)
God bless him,
Whenever my dad is at dinner and there's a large group of people he will always raise his glass, shout "The Queen! and pretend to pour the drink in his ear.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 9:03, Reply)
What do you mean, doing this stuff later?
I'm already a repository of bollocksy, repetitive-catchphrase Dad style jokes - and I was long before parent/step-parenthood. It's as shite as my photoshopping. Believe it.

When anyone in my family (workplace or vicinity) expresses a dislike for a famous person they've never met, I usually reply with a slightly disappointed and reproving tone "Oh, he speaks well of you", regardless of how famous said person is and what the improbability is that I'd move in their circles. In fact, the more improbable the better the effect. Well, that's the theory, anyway. There's a serious point about the nature of celebrity in there somewhere, but it got lost in the mists of time at some point in the late 20th century.

At work, one particularly sharp colleague has got to the point where she either avoids expressing a dislike in my presence, or follows it up with a tired-sounding "Yes, I'm sure Meg White speaks well of me" before I can blurt out my stock reply. Bless.

Changing conversational culture one crap joke at a time. That's me.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 7:53, Reply)
...
After a meal:

Good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 6:27, Reply)
More nicknames-related than jokes...
Considering my father's idea of jokes is blatantly repeating every episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus and Fawlty Towers, he tends to save his creativity in creating nicknames for people and stores, e.g.

Red Rooster = Red Rooter
K-Mart = K-Fart
Charlie Dimmock = Tits, and
Some poor lass with a considerable overbite = Jaws.

When as drunk as can possibly be he will either ask you to "close your eyes and open your hands", leaving you with the present of his false teeth or teeter around the house, a red bed spread covering his 6'4" frame squealing in falsetto that he's feckin' Little Red Riding Hood.

Also, when delivering his speech at my wedding he said "if you have problems with her, do what we did: put her on a leash".

Oh, how we all laughed.
(, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 5:26, Reply)

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