Wafer thin
Many moons ago, long before the lovely Mrs Spimf happened along I had another young lady on the go, and blimey did she go. Up to all sorts (no this isn’t about liquorice) I’ve never really understood the food sex thing, the aerosol cream can and the mimsy were never destined to be happy bedfellows and I find it disconcerting to have a saveloy in the room during coitus. Similarly the alfresco thing escapes me: if I want a Cornetto I can do so without the slightest of hint lasciviousness and if I fancy some sexual intercourse then I find soft furnishings compliment the act quite satisfactorily.

Nevertheless young and keen to experiment I agreed to kill two birds with one cone. A picnic rug and (sensibly) a cool box were sourced along with some of Wall’s best selling chilled confectionary (Chocolate & Hazelnut naturally). We found a spot in the moonlight in some (slightly creepy) local woodland.

Despite my apprehensions my young hormones were unperturbed at the prospect of calorific copulation. I won’t dwell on the frippery, I’m not an erotic writer, I'll leave that to Mr Spankey et al. To be honest I was somewhat unsure what to do, clearly I was aware some degree of smearing and quite possibly insertion was required. My first attempt at ice cream carnal capers was to insert the Cornetto into my eager young partner’s rather splendid mimsy – pointy end first mind, she wasn’t a slag. This quickly left me bereft of ideas and things were melting fast. Ah! cunnilingus I thought – hurrah! In our comfy mossy spot under the creepy tree I crouched down and set to work, lapping alternately at clitoris and cream based confectionary with vigor – buoyed by my newly found decadence I decided to see if I could push some of the chopped nuts up her slippery balloon knot with my tongue, shifting down I set to work. This quickly proved ill advised, my adventurous young filly was suddenly possessed by a fit off giggles which served to force the Cornetto back out and on to my forehead and push melted ice cream into my eyes. As I recoiled the Cornetto remained stuck to my temple at a somewhat rakish angle – more giggles. I’ve never looked good wearing a hat. Humiliation was setting in quickly.

Happily my filthy little friend realised this and reached into the cool box and grabbed another Cornetto whilst deftly plucking the spent one from my forehead, tossing it in the air with impressive abandon. My fumblings were quickly forgotten as she tugged at my trousers. I can safely say the first time an ice cream cone is applied to the end of ones throbbing member is a moment never forgotten. With a wicked glint in her eye she knelt down, pushed the ice cream further down my hot shaft then suddenly lunged and bit down hard on the end of the cone! As soon as my pulse returned to mere humming bird levels I began to enjoy this impromptu porno picnic.

All too soon nearly all the ice cream had been eagerly sucked and devoured and my own churns were stirring, as my little minx delivered one last suck something terrible happened – as I flung my head back in ecstasy – the discarded cunnilingus cone felt out of the branches above where it had been lobbed with lusty abandon – smack in my bloody eye. This caused me to thrust forward, pushing the bell-end Cornetto halfway down the poor girls throat, I’ll never forget the horrible choking noise echoing through the woodland; like a lone goose honking at sunset, in fact I realised the whole situation was fast becoming my own willy honker and the chocolate hat tree.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 1:10, 19 replies)

Oh yes...
Quite excellent punnery, sir.

Also: "like a lone goose honking at sunset" - clickworthy on its own, that.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 1:38, closed)

I have to agree with you..
'like a lone goose honking at sunset'

I'm not actually sure why...but that had be guffawing hard!
*clicky*
( Pixieelf got his 1st front pg. when MJ died! Double Whammy!, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 7:45, closed)

indeed
the honking did it for me as well.

Clickety click
(OTT, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 8:15, closed)

What they said.
Well played.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 14:01, closed)

Yep
this made it for me.
( thyrf as in turf, but not, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 23:19, closed)

FFS
You utter nut PMSL
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 3:37, closed)

Oh, ya bastard!
And I was ready to give a click for the saveloy comment!

*clicks anyway for unexpected punnery*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 8:15, closed)

You
Have just gone up in my estimation for that one.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 8:23, closed)

dribbled a bit of coffee out
at the lone goose honking bit. so have a click
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 9:08, closed)

Loved it!
reads like the old Hoffnung barrel of bricks sketch!

Had me in stitches. Thanks
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 9:38, closed)

Clicks
The image of the cornetto squished onto your forehead and icecream in your eyes...

and the goose..Top notch!
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:24, closed)

Bravo!
If this doesn't win god knows what will. I congratulate you on some fantastic punnary sir!

''pointy end first mind, she wasn’t a slag'' also made me spit tee over my desk.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:47, closed)

.
I just loved the "I’ve never looked good wearing a hat" comment, absolute gold.

Winner!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:49, closed)

no you didn't

(likeajackhammer, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:53, closed)

Brilliant
Anothe Spimf classic - straight into the charts at number two.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 15:09, closed)

Oh, well played sir, well played.
Interesting tale, utter balderdash of course but what else does one expect from this pit of filth and depravity.

So glad you didn't drive there in the honda.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:35, closed)

^ is this...
a) a generic Accord gag

b) a more than disconcerting inside knowledge of my procession of S2000's over the last decade

*adjusts tinfoil hat*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 18:42, closed)

Man you got me
I didn't twig til the very last words.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 23:05, closed)

*rolls eyes*
However, 'pointy end first mind, she wasn't a slag' is gonna have me in a good mood all day. Well played!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 9:00, closed)